Enough. Your body and Yourself

Sometimes your body has had enough. We like to think that we can predict when this will happen. We like to think we know our boundaries - usually basing it upon past experience. With the realm of eating disorder behaviors though, this can prove risky.

I'm going to say that writing this is hard for me. I like to present myself as someone that has it together in terms of eating disorder behaviors... writing this is letting you in on the (what feels like a) huge secret that I do not. There's a few behaviors that linger for me including laxatives. Disgusting laxatives.

I have a long history of laxative misuse, overuse, abuse... whatever you want to call it. Consequently I managed at the worst of my laxative addiction to take more than you could ever imagine... multiple times a week - spending probably almost $300 a month on them at my worst. The thing about this is that it has given me a false sense of security whenever I've taken them since that peak as I've honestly been able to convince myself that amounts that would still shock some people are not a lot. Telling myself, "I'll be okay, because I've taken X times more than this in the past."

However, bodies change. Bodies get older every day and how our body responds to certain things also changes.

Maybe a month ago (?)  I took some laxatives. I hadn't had much to eat in quite awhile and it left me physically ill. shaking. dry heaving. you name it. scared out of my mind. literally sleeping downstairs because the stairs seemed too daunting. Instead of chalking it up to the laxatives I amounted it to the laxatives and lack of food. Surely it couldn't be the laxatives when I'd taken far more in the past. That's sound logic, right?

Fast forward to this past weekend. I took about half of the most I've ever taken, but with a recent more regulated decent intake of food. What happened? Was I fine and dandy (well as much as you can be after taking laxatives)? No... I got sick. I don't mean "laxative sick" but actually ill with a fever... to the point that I called off of work Friday and got sent home early on Saturday. If you know me. You know I LOVE my work.

My body felt wrecked until last night (Labor Day). Walking my puppy was a strain. I felt like throwing up when she'd jerk on the leash wanting me to run (I usually run her 1.5 miles for one of our outings) or wanting to go faster up a hill... or worse yet, down a hill. I may or may not have marked my territory by throwing up on one of those walks.

This weekend's experience really taught me that it is the laxatives. Not the combination of lack of food and them... not the combination of food and them.. but the laxatives themselves.

it doesn't matter that I've taken twice as many before.. because my body is different than it was when I did that (and if I am to be honest, I felt incredibly ill when I had taken that many). You cannot predict how your body will react to any behavior based on how it did in the past.

Your body may just decide one day that it's had enough. That's pretty much what my body was screaming at me a month ago... instead of listening I did it again. The results were worse and I missed both work and barbecuing with Des this weekend (as I had promised). I missed the wine date I had with two friends of mine. I missed a lot of things.

It's important to work to eradicate behaviors, because as I said, you never know when your body will decide it's had enough... and it could wind up being a lot worse than being sick for an entire weekend. You never know what will result when your body decides it's done with the abuse. So treat yourself gently and listen to it.

You are enough without the behaviors. Your body is enough.

 

This post was written as a part of the Self-Discovery, Word by Word Series, first conceived by Ashley Solomon from Nourishing the Soul. Every month the series is hosted by a different blogger who chooses a word that fits their fancy. This months' host the lovely MissMaryMax chose the word "enough." To find out more about the series and this month's word choice - head on over to her blog (or Ashley's) both linked here. 

I would also like to link to something I stumbled upon recently... a self-kindness collaborative featuring the artwork, musings, and personal stories of several women from different walks of life telling why they are enough. It's rather powerful to go and just look at all these people that are willing to examine themselves and come to the conclusion that they are worthy and that they are enough.

15 feet in the air balanced on a metal tightrope in 4 inch heels

I have a remarkable sense of balance. As a younger child I rode a unicycle... and back when I modeled, one of the things that allowed me to get paying jobs (in St. Louis) attributed to that balance... or rather what a photographer produced by utilizing it. I agreed to climb up metal railroad scaffolding on a sub zero winter day (I believe it was -17 with windchill) on the river. Climb, climb, climb for a shoot in winter coats and lingerie. While the photo I'm going to post here, as evidence, shows me sitting (though I assure getting my self back up, flipped around to climb down DID take balance) I also posed standing up with one hand on the vertical piece (to the left in this photo) holding me steady, with one foot in the air, the other on one of the "rungs" on that windy day - like a ballerina. Relying on my sense of balance in four-inch heels on the scaffolding to keep me alive 15 or so feet above the ground (higher up than this photo might have you believe). While I did get hypothermia, I also, obviously stayed alive.

This photo (and the other) became fairly well circulated in St. Louis around photographers and was how I truly started to get paid, my only other paid gig up until then had been in Santa costumes (which is actually how I'd gotten this gig). I became known for my lack of fear and my incredible ability to balance.

I used to think this ability transcended into my personal and professional lives. I have always been able to manage to do a lot of things and I never really thought that I was dropping anything. As time has went on the reality that something could drop started creeping in... and then one day I realized that it already had. Time for myself and care for myself had dropped a long time ago without me even noticing. Perhaps the most important things. A big pill to swallow for someone who always felt she led a fairly balanced life.

Not fitting yourself in, or sacrificing yourself (or your health) to balance other things over and over again is not being good at balance. Balance is something that extends beyond the ability to juggle or cram as many tasks, jobs, and projects into your life as seemingly possible. It actually doesn't even really do those things, but rather gives a person the ability to know what they should or should not undertake - balancing their personal and professional lives, taking time for each. By doing so, balance is something that is highly integrative with life and living. From the plate in front of you when you sit down to eat, to exercise, to work, and to time for yourself and others - it's a concept that creeps in. A concept I'm still working on. However, I'm learning how important it truly is to include time for yourself into that balance. That balance that's integral when walking the tightrope of life.

This post was written as part of the Self-Discovery, Word by Word series which was started by Ashley over at Nourishing the Soul. This month’s host is Myrite at Tasty Life and she picked the word "balance" You can check out this post to learn more about the series and this month.

What You've Never Done

Image cred

There is usually something you think you can't do.

And it's because it doesn't fit into your rulebook, it's something you just don't do.

But I want you to ask yourself, "How can I ever become the person I want to become without doing the things it takes to get there?"

Because to get where you've never been, you have to do what you've never done.

So do something today that breaks your rules...

do something you think --you-- can't do. 

With utter faith in your ability to do so,

Ashley

Self Improvement...or Self Destruction?

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold.If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”

Stacey Charter

Hello all! It's Thursday again, which means we're past hump day but not quite to Friday. And here I am on a beautiful morning, birthday cards, balloon, and (live!) orchid plant surrounding me. I turned 21 on tuesday, woo hoo!

Anywho, something I've been thinking about lately is self improvement. Back in the day, Self Improvement was my full-time job. I scoured the internet and library for ways to improve myself--psychologically, and then physically.

You see, I've always been entranced by this wonderful human capacity for meaningful change. With a thought, with words, with a second, we can turn our whole way of living on it's head. Vegetarian today and carnivore tomorrow? You got it. Homeless today and super-surgeon tomorrow? Stranger things have happened. The singular desire to do something, the whole dreaming thing, can help people to pursue far off goals for months, sometimes even years.

Just the idea of something and the desire to achieve it's reality can push us beyond the limits we set for ourselves. And this is great, lemme tell ya. Lots of people do amazing things with this kind of passion and ability to dream. In a world of hard-work-can-accomplish-anything mentality, the dreamers are often left in the dust of the busy herd pummeling forward in front of them. We need more dreams, I do think. We need more dreamers who are willing to make good on their promises to themselves. I could and will write a treatise on this simple fact, but not right now.

That's because, you see, there's a darker side to this whole improving self thing.

Sometimes, we pursue change single-mindedly for just the point of change and destruction. This is when "becoming a better person" means "the person I am right now SUCKS." How many times do you screw up and tell yourself it's only okay because you'll never do it again and "fix yourself?" How many social missteps lead you to cursing your current self and promising yourself you'll figure people out someday? How many work/school/life mistakes make you feel like a fucking failure, only to lead you to assume you need to drastically change yourself to just get rid of that feeling?

Well...I want to tell you something pretty cool. It's not a big secret or anything, but maybe you forgot it in the shuffle of trying to be more likeable, more pleasant, more sociable, a harder worker, a better student, hell, an all around good person.

I want you to know that you don't need to change a damn thing about yourself.

Ok, ok, you're thinking. Right. So I should keep sleeping in, get fired, eat lots of doughnuts and generally stop flogging myself into the ground to get things done.

And what then? I'm jobless, unhealthy, and lazy.

Oh my. What will you do?

Who knows, really.

But...maybe you'll find the things you really love to do if you stop beating yourself down so much that you can't even hear that voice--the one that says I LIKE (DOING) THIS. Maybe if you stop doing things you hate, because you hate yourself...you can begin to find new things to do, new thoughts to think, and new motivations to live by.

We ALL have the capacity to move and be moved by the things around us--we are born wanting and desiring and this capacity does not diminish. If anything, it becomes stronger with time. But this passion for dreaming and manifesting dreams doesn't develop out of self-hatred. It develops out of an authenticity of self and love of that unique self that is often demolished by the harsh self criticism we place upon ourselves.

Please don't die a slow death through self-improvement.

Maybe you're already perfect.

Maybe you just need to dream a little more...


So today, I challenge you to go out into the wide world and be you. Reject the crap you don't want. Keep the stuff you do. To heck with the convention of improving yourself. Say what you wanna say. Remember everything you do has consequences, and be aware of the consequences, but do not become intimidated by someone elses' perception of how you should be and do not act as if though someday you achieve the shining status of "PERFECT."



As you are and as I am,

Ashley

being beautiful does not mean you have beauty

(Yes, I'm a gleek - as of late anyway as a result of the issue last weekend - but I find this bizarrely moving)

Beauty is an interesting word for me as while I feel beautiful I also feel unbeautiful at the same instance.  This possibility made me ponder if there was a difference between being beautiful and having beauty. I've come to the conclusion that there is a distinct difference... and that the latter is actually the better commodity.

If you've ever seen the show "Say Yes to the Dress" (yes, I've watched that too -- thank you Netflix... erm...) you will see women start to cry when they look at themselves in the mirror and say that they finally feel beautiful. I don't really think that the beautiful they're feeling is really what most people think of. I think it's the beauty of what that image of themselves represents. An image of themselves that holds beauty. 

Being beautiful is a manufactured thing. In the literal sense that your genes manufacture the quality - there have been studies showing that the more symmetrical you are the better the responses you receive (mainly from babies). 

It's also manufactured in the sense that we live in a world where we manufacture products to help people achieve what we current advertise as being the most beautiful, the most pretty, the best. We truly have manufactured being beautiful - by turning it into an industry fueled by self loathing - sort of detracting from the beauty of being beautiful.

Having beauty, however, is not something that's manufactured. It is something from within that reflects on the outside. 

Diane Von Furstenberg during an episode of America's Top Model said, "if you're not healthy you lose your beauty"  She wasn't talking about the act of being beautiful (as she also said the model in question was beautiful) rather the beauty you have that shines from within.  The beauty that can be tarnished or diminished when you don't love yourself enough to take care of yourself or are sad. The beauty that can dissipate if you're not a nice person.

The child picking up change on the sidewalk or doing underdogs on the swingset with their friend has beauty. The receptionist at my therapist's office who is funny and also incredibly kind-hearted to me has beauty. My great aunt, wrinkled from age, has an abundance of beauty. They may not be beautiful, but they have beauty... which in my humble opinion is better.

This post was written as a part of the Self-Discovery Word by Word series which was started by Ashley over at Nourishing the Soul -- which is being held this month by Balancing Val, who picked the word Beauty.If you want to participate, you can go check out her post OR just write a post about Beauty and get in contact with her via e-mail with your post, the link, or with any questions!

Inspired by Serra -- my happy place.

when i was growing up my happy place was my closet. whenever we moved we usually moved into base housing (a couple of exceptions) which in the 80s and 90s all looked very cookie cutter. So every time we moved my closet was the same. a small rectangle with a wooden shelf at the top. Whenever I would feel unsafe or unsettled I would climb on a nearby desk, dresser, or chair and hoist myself up to that top shelf. sit there. curl up there. and wait it out.

in high school i would go to my walk-in closet when i got unsettled as well... if i was extremely afraid i would lock myself in my bathroom and pretend to take a bath. it made me feel untouchable.

now i am an adult. i live in 1200sf apartment with a roommate and for the first time in a long time i feel safe in my own home. in the process of creating this safe environment, i've also created something else... something Serra discussed her last post -- a happy place.

Without further ado, I bring to you my happy place... my bedroom (no surprise there probably)

 

That is my little wooden piggy bank that I love... I got him at an antique store - I went in to get a nightstand and walked out with a 3 tier stand/jewelry holder and him... The shadow box on the shelf above it (by my wedges) was made for me one Christmas by a friend of mine.

And this is my bed (and part of my nightstand)... it's pretty high up (31" from the top of my mattress to the floor)... and the bedding comes from my all time favorite store - Anthropologie -- the duvet is the Crowned Crane which has little wooden flowers in the middle of all those tucks and the pillowcases come from the love letter set (minus the green pillow case and the dust ruffle which I had to special order due to the insane drop).

Where there is now a pink folding chair will soon be a chaise lounge. I made the curtain... and I strung up twine on the wall and used clothespins to hang up various vintage photographs along with a postcard and two photographic prints. On the middle line I also have various letters and cards that people have written me. Ones that made me smile upon receiving. That drawing depicting the phrase, "love your tree" always makes me smile. Oh and I love wine bottles - too bad you can't see the penguin wine bottle :(

You can tell how high up my bed is in this picture though... What looks like very minimal space due to seeing my bed in the picture (this was taken from the corner of my bed) is actually about 10 feet of empty floor space

My favorite piece of artwork ever. LeilaniJoy is absolutely amazing. I love her interpretation of Swan Lake

This is my happy place, because it's mine and I feel like I created the space in a way. I picked it all out myself (minus a brown wardrobe that my landlady has in the room as a requirement since the room has no actual closet) and let it organically unfold... things were purchased over a duration of time... and my room resulted.

I think creating your own space can allow you to both nurture and to discover yourself. Surround yourself with things that make you happy or remind you of happy times. That make you feel comforted and help to create an environment that allows you to feel safe to be yourself.

Anyways, that's my happy place. Where is your happy place?

Oh and P.S. two things:
1) tomorrow I will be in Chicago for Generation Mirror's first annual spring fundraiser, so expect a REALLY late post! sorry!!

2) Project "Me Time" is going well. Obviously with the trip to Chicago and all.. and I managed to go to the Farmers' Market... and to fit in a date and a hummus making adventure with Chris --- still working on the canopy though...

My Happy Place

hi!

I didnt post last week, i was busy moving house. i was living in central Wellington city, the capital city of New Zealand. I have moved one hour north to the Kapiti Coast. I live right by the beach now

It is incredible how much environmental factors influence behaviour and thoughts. I remember when I got married up here, in February 2009 and we stayed at the beach for a week after, I thought to myself that if I lived up here I could be free, peaceful and rid of this disorder. I felt like I was recovered for that week I stayed up here, before going back home to the chaos. Now I live up here and am breathing the sea air and feeling the open space around me. I don't feel trapped and I don't feel like my past is around every corner waiting for me. Obviously moving here didn't magically cure my ED - that is a work in progress, but I do feel the freedom I was longing for all this time.

A few of the reasons I love being here

• the trees out the front are perfect for hanging chimes and sun catchers in
• at night time, when it is a really windy night, I can't always tell if it is the wind or the roaring ocean i can hear
• there are no high-rises here, the sky is so huge I can see blazing sunsets followed by starry nights and giant rising moons
• my view is of Kapiti island and when I see the sky changing colour I can walk down my street to the beach to catch it
• I can walk to therapy without it being considered excessive
• I have a room just for my fairies!
• there are parks with Pukekos all around me
• the soil is sandy and the grass is springy
• people have Norfolk pine trees on their properties and at Christmas time the streets are red with Pohutuhawa trees
• I have a back yard and a front yard with a big wide deck which is always warm and I can't wait to sunbathe on
• there are high fences that make me feel safe
• I can lay down and feel relaxed and peaceful and calm
• Kapiti island is always changing
• some of my oldest friends live around the corner, and I now live right between my two closest friends. So much closer to my sis.
• Stellar has carpet to roll about on and cupboards to hide in
• I can set up and leave out my sewing machine and learn to sew. I can paint and I have a workshop to smash things and make mosaic madness
• there is so much here to explore. I lived in wellington for 25 years, it is time for somewhere new and a quieter more peaceful life

I have loved the ocean and the beach for so long now. I love how huge and vast the ocean is. It puts life into perspective. It puts my problems and my worries and my anxiety into perspective. It is so calming and so ominous and ever changing. It humbles me and inspires me. This is my safe place, my peaceful place, my happy place.

Where is your happy place? Where do you feel safe or peaceful or loved?

xoxo Serra & Stellar

I'm okay. I'm fine. I feel fat.

 (photo credit to nobody-but-me)

Okay, so I had absolutely NO idea what to write about today (for tomorrow)... and I decided I would go for a run. It started sprinkling half-way through my first iPod song... I kept running, when I got about to the halfway point it started pouring,  right when Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" started making its way to my ears my shoulder popped (I've had two shoulder surgeries and so running is a touch and go sport), and by the end of that song it had popped again resulting in walking. It was at this point when it was still pouring that a police officer driving by asked me if I needed a ride and I told him that magical phrase, "I'm okay"

Let's think about this. It's pouring rain, it's thundering, I'm about a fifteen minute walk from my home and my shoulder keeps popping every time I try to run. Yet, I'm proclaiming that I am okay to a police officer who offered me a ride.

This phrase also commonly shows up at the end of my therapy sessions (actually, if I'm being honest, I'd say nearly every session) - "I'm always okay. seriously."

So what did I really mean when I said that to the police officer? I was telling him that I didn't actually have a problem (aka I'm not weak), that I didn't need help (aka I can help myself), and that I did not want to impose on him or put him out.

In saying the phrase a lie is forming - not only between yourself and who you say it to... but also to yourself. You're burying the problem at hand.. ignoring it... hoping it will solve itself - refusing to deal with the issue.  (I also think the phrase can mean that we wish for help to seek us - that we want to know who really cares based on who will challenge that statement)

This burial will present problems later on (me having to walk 15 minutes in the pouring rain) as it will undoubtedly come to a head... Worse yet? These constant lies impact relationships. If you're "always okay" then people assume that you can get through things even when you do muster the courage to approach them with a problem.... this can be devastating... here you need people and are willing to admit it and are being dismissed...

or they know you're not okay and don't know what to do since you won't discuss it. Do you see how this could be frustrating? You're doing X,Y, and Z and yet you're saying everything is okay... repeatedly.

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I feel like I can't complete this topic without addressing "I feel fat" --- "I feel fat" is really suppressed emotions and feelings in the same way that "I'm okay/fine" is suppressed problems. You're not "feeling fat" - you're feeling things that fat represents to you. You're feeling those uncomfortable things. Whether it be frustrated, sad, angry, disjointed, confused, forlorn, exhausted, whatever... you're feeling. and that can feel, unsettling. Especially if you don't have words for those feelings - just that you are... and at that moment fat seems like a tangible stand in.

Next time you say that you're okay, you're fine, or that you feel fat -- take a moment to try to think what you really mean by that -- try to realize what all is going on inside of you and identify those emotions/feelings/etc - I think it can also probably help on the "be here now" front as you're trying to figure out what is happening within you in that moment


Try to get to know yourself, try to get to know those feelings, they are yours' after all.



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which brings me to something I'm going to start doing on here... to get to know myself a bit better. I know that might sound odd, but I think self discovery can be a grand thing. Arielle actually inspired this via Facebook --- also, I think this could be a good opportunity for anyone that reads to get to know me so I can break away from this mysterious Wednesday poster persona...


Warning: this may bore you, so I'll always put it at the end of my posts ;)


DAY 01: A PICTURE OF YOURSELF WITH 10 FACTS

10 Facts about Me:

1) I love pretty food... a lot --- make it pretty and I'll eat at least some of it (see the amazing chocolate easter bunny picture)

2) Really big turtles scare me... or rather creep me out - even pictures of them. When I went to Disney World in college, we went to Epcot's Coral Reef restaurant and sat next to an aquarium wall.. unfortunately there was a massive turtle right next to me the whole time. No bueno...

3) I was born in Upper Heyford, England (aka Oxfordshire) and have since lived in Mississippi, Washington state, Kansas, Missouri, Indiana, Arkansas, Texas (2 locations back to back), Illinois, and am now back in Missouri.

4) In the fall, I try to eat something pumpkin every single day.

5) I want to work in a group home some day

6) I have a weird habit of dropping coins on the ground -- I remember how much it would excite me as a kid to find money

7) I only listen to CDs, talk radio, or country radio in my car.... why? I like consistency and I can guarantee the ability to listen to any of those three in any state.

8) I know how to make balloon animals

9)  I keep peppermints in my car for when I see homeless people... I try to give them $1 and a peppermint candy --- when I worked in downtown Indianapolis I remember sharing pizza with my father and a homeless man and how the homeless man told me he hated always having bad breath - I also fully believe in having open hands

10) I honestly think I'm in a better place than I have been in a very long time (and no I don't just mean, because I'm in my amazing bed eating a banana)

What Do I want?

*I Dedicate This Post To You Linda, RIP

A simple enough question to ask ourselves and one that we do daily. And easy enough to answer, Right? From Personal experience my answer would be no. When suffering from an eating disorder, many of our decisions are taken away from us along with our control and power. We essentially let our eating disorders make most of our decisions for us. Which is ironic really, considering many eating disorders begin when we feel we have little or no control in our lives. Yet even the smallest of choices can become huge and painfully overwhelming.

I've found that recovery is a lot about self discovery and getting in touch with not only who you are but what you truly want in life. It's about listening to your heart to help guide you, your mind to rationalise and help come to decisions and your body telling you what it really wants and needs. It's about reclaiming your power and taking back control of your body, your mind & your soul.

I want to share with you a small extract from my journal in which I describe an example of listening to myself and deciding what I really want...

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"Just got back from a lovely walk with the gals... The weather was glorious and really warm...

As we walked around the park I observed all the beauty, all the fun, the children laughing, eating ice-cream and playing, the couples lazy around holding hands and it was lovely to see. It did make me a little sad. I thought 'I want some of that' and then I thought, 'Well, one day very soon you will Hanna. One step at a time hey?'

And then I thought "Okay, so what could I do right now to make me happy? What do I want?" And my answer came quickly- 'I want an ice-cream' "Wooaaahhhh..... Hang on there Missy! (My eating disorder pipes up) An ice-cream? Are you stoned?" "Erm nope, just fancy one of life's little pleasures...."

So, I went to the cafe (all the while stupidly nervous) stood in line and waited. They were all out...
*Phew* <<< *Eating disorder wipes forehead* I was somewhat disappointed though.

This just wasn't good enough! And then I saw it. Across the park, gleaming in the sunshine... An ice-cream van!! So, the girls and I set off to get ourselves some of that yummy goodness.

When we got to the van, we again stood in line. Inca was bored by this point and decided to do a big poop on the grassy bank. The mothers weren't happy. (I carry bags, don't worry) Of course I was surveying the menu, trying to figure out which would be 'the safest' and the one with the least calories.... I went for a 'Solero' The ice-lolly with 'only 90cals!' But as I was handing over the money I thought (excuse the language) "sod it!, I want a 'Mr Whippy Ice-cream' (UKers will know what I mean here) So, I changed my order and got one in a cup.

We went and sat on the bench and I slowly began eating it. It tasted nice. This scared me. Then I realised there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. It was an ice-cream and a yummy one at that....

This is what recovery is all about.....

-----------------------------

Something so small and seemingly insignificant to others was not only a huge achievement for me but also very empowering. It really is the little things in life isn't it.

So, do yourself a favour today. Ask yourself "What do I want" And taste just how amazing it feels when you listen to you rather than your eating disorder....

Freedom is a choice and the choice is all yours for the taking!

With Much Love, smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

*As I said at the beginning of this post, I dedicate this to Linda who I sadly found out today has passed. She was a part of our community and a will be deeply missed. Linda was a true fighter and was determined to recover from her eating disorder and also raise much needed awareness. Sadly, she lost her battle before she managed to save herself. Let her passing be a reminder to us all that this disease does kill. Don't waste anymore time...

May You Have peace Now Linda

Who Am I Without My Eating Disorder?

Whether you’ve existed with your eating disorder for many, many years or just a few months, it can become your identity; it’s all you know. And maybe it’s also all others have known too. You and your eating disorder, your eating disorder and you. So, when you’ve made the decision to recover, the question that is often asked is ‘Who am I without my eating disorder?’…

I know it is something that often crosses my thoughts. And I’ve been giving it a considerable amount of thought of late. It can be very daunting and scary.


And of course, I don’t know the answer yet as to exactly how I will be once recovered but I do know that I am not my eating disorder. I am loving. I am caring. I am talented. I am giving. I am creative. I am loyal. I am strong. I am Hanna.

And as for how life will be? Well, anything is better than life as it has been. I cannot see into the future but I know it will be brighter. It will be happier. It will be healthier. There will be laughter, healing, fun and success- in every sense of the word. There will be love and there will be light.

Can you relate to this?

Ask yourself this; who do you want to be? You see, I believe when you are free from your eating disorder; you can be anyone you want to be! And that is exciting. Scary? Yes but invigorating too!

You don’t have to ‘be anything’ you don’t want to be. You are you and you are beautiful. You do not have to conform to any ones idea of who you were before your eating disorder or who they expect you will be. The beauty of any kind of healing is self-growth and discovery.

Many may ‘cling’ to their eating disorder through fear of finding the ‘real them’; don’t let that be you. Broaden your horizons, explore, enjoy, spread your wings and fly. Take each day as it comes and find time to get to know yourself again.

The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important one we shall ever form. Treasure it.

So who are we without our eating disorders? You are you and I am me and we are amazing; just as we are.

I leave you with a video that someone sent to me once. Beautiful song, powerfully written & inspiring. I’ve also included a couple of quotes by Dr Seuss , the American children’s writer cartoonist & all round fab guy :o)

With Much Love, Smiles & Support

Hanna x




Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you~ Dr Seuss

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind ~ Dr Seuss

be here now: a lesson from therapy sessions past

Sometimes it can feel like you're on a sidewalk... in a crowded hallway... next to train tracks... watching yourself go by, right before your eyes.

Here's the thing though. There's no productivity in seeing yourself that way. You're never going to catch that train. That train holds you... but it's the future you. You can't stop it. Instead be in that car. 

You can do that by being here now.

Yes. just be here now...

Then you'll always be with yourself... whether you're in that train or not. You'll maintain your faith in yourself, because what's present. what's now can be certain. It's the future that is open for question.

In this moment, what can you feel... what can you see... what can you taste?

what can you appreciate at this exact moment? 

My room is messy and disorganized from recent events.. but my bed and comforter are providing me warmth and a feeling of security unparalleled. 

Trying to stay in the moment is incredibly hard... I think that's why I'm so adverse to DBT (probably to my therapist's dismay)... but I'm working on it as to be honest, I think she may be on to something with trying to get me to engage in mindfulness... going on walks without my iPod and just taking in what's around me. I've started to do this more.

I have that glorious park across the street and each time I visit, the experience seems different (and I assure you I visit a lot... multiple times daily as of late). Sometimes I run, sometimes I run/walk (doing intervals), sometimes I just stroll, other times I bring a camera. The latter even helps me to be here now, because I'm forced to focus on the present. That very instant. What's happening as I click that button.

I think my therapist knows this because whenever she makes a comment about disconnecting she follows it up with a suggestion of me visiting that park. It's good to have someone that understands how my mind works. What things work for me.

Having a dog for awhile really helped... I am debating moving in September when my lease is up, staying in the general area, but into a place that will allow me to have a dog, even if only one under 15 pounds.  That worked for me.

it's just a matter of figuring out what works for you. stretching, pilates, walks... whatever can allow you to be here now. quit running from yourself.

I think in the process of just being here now you can learn a lot, become more self aware.

p.s. I highly recommend checking out yesterday's post by Serra -- I'm really intrigued by what people's answers as to if "Full Recovery" is possible and if so what it looks like are.

the importance of proper renovation

Ashley is doing some major things in the Big Apple at the moment -- giving a  presentation about research she and one of her professors conducted. I hope she's doing well and enjoying herself.

In the meanwhile, I bring you another blip from Kat ;)

This one is less thought out, I will admit, more from the heart.... Anyways, today I wound up bringing Candy Land to my therapy session... yes, Candy Land.

Before you get excited, or bored... no, this post is not about Candyland, though it was fun playing it again (for the record I won both games - hahaha), but about how one feels after leaving some sessions.

I'm not going to get into what Laura and I discussed as that's between her and myself, however, after Candyland it was slightly depressing in a very informative way and something about it made me feel unsettled inside... I left wanting to cancel my appointment for the following week, or two... or three.

Now, I want to be clear that this was not a "Laura" issue. Rather this was a "me" issue. Nothing that happened should have truly made me feel this way... but something did. I think a lot of people who have went through therapy have probably had sessions like this one was.

Something made me entirely uncomfortable - the prospect of delving into territory that I don't delve into. Clinging to some scrap of a painted past.

I got the pleasure of visiting the Ohio State Reformatory once for a photo shoot... it was a paid trip that I took full advantage of because, for those that don't know... it's where the Shawshank Redemption was filmed and I adore that movie (Morgan Freeman, eh?). 

The prison was in disarray when they filmed - so they went through and made everything look pretty, slapping up paint (just covering all the issues), painting the walls, the cell blocks, etc... but you know what it looked like by the time I got there?

I'll show you some pics:

It didn't matter that they had painted and wallpapered over the grime and history... Creating a beautiful facade for the film... I visited in March 2010 - 14 years after the movie came out (probably 15-16 after they began filming) and that facade was crumbling apart. Paint peeling from the ceilings and bars on the cells. Patches of wallpaper missing. Grime and dirt. Disarray. Showing not only what was being hidden but also that the process of hiding can create even more damage.

I think it is an attempt to keep what is left of the facade that left me wanting to "leave" Laura behind... though only for a couple or so weeks...  

the process of tearing it down is a frightening one as I'm not even sure what will remain if I continue hacking away (though she does do it more gently than I just made that sound)...There's fear that I will feel hollow and empty inside and that my trust issues will worsen. And... to be honest? they may for a little while. But there is no true alternative.. You cannot live life painting over the bad parts.

That facade will eventually start to crumble - for me... it already is in a way... I think that's why I'm having some of the issues I currently am... I think you cannot start the process and fail to finish it, it will find a way too complete itself.

If the renovations at Shawshank had been done properly - by dealing with the issues underneath instead of just covering the surface, it probably would have looked much different when I visited around this time last year. Some things are worth the time and care. I  am worth that time and care and you are too.