the process of becoming whole

 (photo credit: me circa 2008 --- wow...)

as I've mentioned before I recently came back from a three day trip to Chicago.  Before I left I was losing weight - enough to get me out of what I truly believe IS my set point range (which is oddly enough right in the middle of what's considered a healthy BMI range for my height --- so I was still within what's perceived as healthy by physicians - I still say take BMI with a grain of salt though hence my mention of set point first) - then I went to Chicago got back on track and came home only to find myself having issues with the thing that I often do... The ability to be here now - thus causing me some problems these past few days.

What was it that Chicago did  to me?

What was it that it allowed me to feel?

I felt whole. I talked with people about life, about the store Anthropologie (holla Kristine from strangeBird), about college to the guy that flirted with me at Starbucks, to proving I can get along on my own by hailing a taxi/running the streets in the morning hours, to proving that friends can be great assets to have along (especially on public transit trains after good pizza -- without purging -- and cosmopolitans), that I could be with myself and be okay with that. That I could be connected with myself while running instead of disconnecting and dissociating. All of these things helped form a WHOLE person, rather than a person whose mind is focused on one or two things only.
We oftentimes think to ourselves that we want to be happy. I don't think that's what I want though... I think I want to retain that sensation I felt in Chicago - that sensation I think contributed to the contentment and then happiness that I felt there. The two concepts (happiness and wholeness) I believe are two completely different ideas.

I think feeling whole is what recovery looks like. Being thankful for those things about yourself that you do have that do allow you to do amazing things, or simple things. Being whole enough to focus on all aspects of your life (including emotions) rather than trying to color them in with black and pretending they don't exist. Being whole felt really good in Chicago. I think I want to do more than just visit that feeling.

I'm not going to say I know how to get there as I don't... I got there in Chicago via a road uncertain to me.... and lost that path upon my return home. I think having the ability to nourish your whole self (and by nature of that staying mindful) is paramount to getting there though.


What do you think is part of feeling whole? Have you ever felt whole before? Am I completely off base?

I'm okay. I'm fine. I feel fat.

 (photo credit to nobody-but-me)

Okay, so I had absolutely NO idea what to write about today (for tomorrow)... and I decided I would go for a run. It started sprinkling half-way through my first iPod song... I kept running, when I got about to the halfway point it started pouring,  right when Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" started making its way to my ears my shoulder popped (I've had two shoulder surgeries and so running is a touch and go sport), and by the end of that song it had popped again resulting in walking. It was at this point when it was still pouring that a police officer driving by asked me if I needed a ride and I told him that magical phrase, "I'm okay"

Let's think about this. It's pouring rain, it's thundering, I'm about a fifteen minute walk from my home and my shoulder keeps popping every time I try to run. Yet, I'm proclaiming that I am okay to a police officer who offered me a ride.

This phrase also commonly shows up at the end of my therapy sessions (actually, if I'm being honest, I'd say nearly every session) - "I'm always okay. seriously."

So what did I really mean when I said that to the police officer? I was telling him that I didn't actually have a problem (aka I'm not weak), that I didn't need help (aka I can help myself), and that I did not want to impose on him or put him out.

In saying the phrase a lie is forming - not only between yourself and who you say it to... but also to yourself. You're burying the problem at hand.. ignoring it... hoping it will solve itself - refusing to deal with the issue.  (I also think the phrase can mean that we wish for help to seek us - that we want to know who really cares based on who will challenge that statement)

This burial will present problems later on (me having to walk 15 minutes in the pouring rain) as it will undoubtedly come to a head... Worse yet? These constant lies impact relationships. If you're "always okay" then people assume that you can get through things even when you do muster the courage to approach them with a problem.... this can be devastating... here you need people and are willing to admit it and are being dismissed...

or they know you're not okay and don't know what to do since you won't discuss it. Do you see how this could be frustrating? You're doing X,Y, and Z and yet you're saying everything is okay... repeatedly.

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I feel like I can't complete this topic without addressing "I feel fat" --- "I feel fat" is really suppressed emotions and feelings in the same way that "I'm okay/fine" is suppressed problems. You're not "feeling fat" - you're feeling things that fat represents to you. You're feeling those uncomfortable things. Whether it be frustrated, sad, angry, disjointed, confused, forlorn, exhausted, whatever... you're feeling. and that can feel, unsettling. Especially if you don't have words for those feelings - just that you are... and at that moment fat seems like a tangible stand in.

Next time you say that you're okay, you're fine, or that you feel fat -- take a moment to try to think what you really mean by that -- try to realize what all is going on inside of you and identify those emotions/feelings/etc - I think it can also probably help on the "be here now" front as you're trying to figure out what is happening within you in that moment


Try to get to know yourself, try to get to know those feelings, they are yours' after all.



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which brings me to something I'm going to start doing on here... to get to know myself a bit better. I know that might sound odd, but I think self discovery can be a grand thing. Arielle actually inspired this via Facebook --- also, I think this could be a good opportunity for anyone that reads to get to know me so I can break away from this mysterious Wednesday poster persona...


Warning: this may bore you, so I'll always put it at the end of my posts ;)


DAY 01: A PICTURE OF YOURSELF WITH 10 FACTS

10 Facts about Me:

1) I love pretty food... a lot --- make it pretty and I'll eat at least some of it (see the amazing chocolate easter bunny picture)

2) Really big turtles scare me... or rather creep me out - even pictures of them. When I went to Disney World in college, we went to Epcot's Coral Reef restaurant and sat next to an aquarium wall.. unfortunately there was a massive turtle right next to me the whole time. No bueno...

3) I was born in Upper Heyford, England (aka Oxfordshire) and have since lived in Mississippi, Washington state, Kansas, Missouri, Indiana, Arkansas, Texas (2 locations back to back), Illinois, and am now back in Missouri.

4) In the fall, I try to eat something pumpkin every single day.

5) I want to work in a group home some day

6) I have a weird habit of dropping coins on the ground -- I remember how much it would excite me as a kid to find money

7) I only listen to CDs, talk radio, or country radio in my car.... why? I like consistency and I can guarantee the ability to listen to any of those three in any state.

8) I know how to make balloon animals

9)  I keep peppermints in my car for when I see homeless people... I try to give them $1 and a peppermint candy --- when I worked in downtown Indianapolis I remember sharing pizza with my father and a homeless man and how the homeless man told me he hated always having bad breath - I also fully believe in having open hands

10) I honestly think I'm in a better place than I have been in a very long time (and no I don't just mean, because I'm in my amazing bed eating a banana)

*Guest Post* Living in today :)

First things first I best introduce myself!
I’m Nat, aged 20 (nearly 21!) and am a Brit currently living in Canada. I am a dance teacher and a self confessed dance nut.
This is my first ever proper blog :D and I'm excited to be a guest blogger and part of this awesome place.
So here is my topic, that I spent AAAAGES thinking about-

LIVING IN THE MOMENT

Yup.
That’s it.
Ok, I’ll elaborate.

I have found, like many of you I’m sure, that I live a few months in the future. Worrying about what will happen in June, when it’s barely March. Worrying about September, about this event happening in April, about what to do in August.
And what happens whilst I’m doing this?
January and February have gone.
And it’s now going into the third week of March.
We have had 70 odd days of 2011 so far, and I’d say I worried about the future for 65 of them.
For me it's almost a form of procrastination. Why worry about the fact that I didn't eat breakfast today, when I haven't put aside any savings into an account for my retirement? Let's worry about a decision I don't have to make for a few months instead of doing work that needs to be done for tomorrow

I'd like to repeat that I am 20. Not 50.

So I set myself a challenge. For one day, to live totally in the moment. To enjoy the day, to view it as a gift, and not something that had to be pushed through in order to get to another day. After all, *slightly morbid thought now* we don’t really know how many we are going to get.
And seeing as I chose yesterday- Friday to do is particularly apt, considering the awful events happening with the earthquake and subsequent tsunami in Japan.

So here was my day-
Wake up. And stretch. Enjoy how comfortable my bed is, and the fact the sunlight is creeping through the cracks of my curtains.
Jump out of bed, open the blinds, and then jump back in bed. I lay there and made pictures out of the clouds I could see.
Get dressed and have breakfast (very yummy pancakes with strawberries :D)
go for a walk and see some ducks,
have lunch at a friends house and watch two hours of Dora the explorer with her two year old.
Learn how to knit legwarmers, and revel in learning a new skill.
Help make bbq chicken, and also ginger molasses cookies, and start a food fight with flour and sugar with a 10 year old
Watch tv with a cup of a tea and just talk for hours with my best friend
drive home, have a quick shower
and then fall back into bed

Now obviously not every day can be like this. We have to work, do chores, pay bills, get groceries
We have responsibilities, and people relying on us for things
BUT
just once in a while, take a 'me' day
A day to go where the wind blows you,
where you don't spend the majority of your day worrying it away, stressing over the future
You wanna drive and spend the day at the beach? GO DO IT
You want to spend the day on the couch watching Disney movies/weepy ones like the notebook? GO FOR IT
You wanna spend all day in bed? GO RIGHT AHEAD

Have a day FOR YOU
Wonderful beautiful you

Much love

Nat

xox