Butterflies

I am feeling lost for words these last few days since hearing of Linda's passing. Sadness, grief, anger, frustration, determination, strength and love are the things I feel, but I don't feel the desire or ability to write.

So here are a few butterflies. To me they symbolise freedom, and Linda, finally you are free...

RIP

a letter from Daphne Zuniga

this is a letter from Daphne Zuniga (actress One Tree Hill or my favorite... albeit short-lived Beautiful People)--- via True Team Beauty via this link --- I feel the time for this letter is perfect... due to recent events (RIP Linda) - and to be quite frank... I need to hear/read this... and absorb it.

if you are not familiar with the organization, I urge you to click the above link and check it out!

A LETTER TO MY NIECE AND ALL GIRLS AND YOUNG WOMEN:
Dearest_____,
I want you to know this very important thing and remember it always. Know that it is true, and that it's not only encouragement because I love you.
You are amazing. A breathtaking beauty. I see your energy, your love and creativity. I listen to your ideas for the world, for your friends and for yourself, and I see how excited and fearless you are when you share them. You are sensitive, intuitive, and compassionate. So beautiful. You know things, important things that could benefit the world.
The problem is, society is going to try to diminish you. It will tell you that your power is in being really skinny. This is a lie. It will tell you your power and lovability is in being sexy. This is also a lie. It will tell you that your body, not your heart or brain is all the use it has for you. That to be lovable your bones must stick out and your thighs must not touch. Lies.
If you believe these lies you will spend precious time and energy trying to deliver. Don't waste your time and energy. It will never work. Even when people say, "Wow you look so good, did you lose weight?" it is only temporary, and inside you'll worry that you're not enough, normally, and you'll worry about gaining even an ounce. If you starve yourself, even though it feels like you're in control, you will lose your hair, your period, your energy, and your gorgeous vitality. You will be filled with fear 24/7. Find a trustworthy place to express your feelings instead.
If you binge and purge you will become bloated, your breath will smell, you'll destroy your stomach and possibly grow hair on your face. You are not expressing feelings you have. Get the real feelings out, then you won't want to do it silently as harm to yourself.

If you look at yourself in disgust, it is because you have been told lies. You are not alone, millions of women before you have stood at the mirror and cringed. But millions of women have chosen self love and esteem. As hard as it seems at first, it is possible.
I wish with all my heart for you to commit to loving yourself. I was a young woman in Hollywood, and believe me, if I can love myself here, you can love yourself anywhere.
Here are some things that worked for me:
1) Seek a counselor, teacher, friends, or group, in person or online where you'll be supported by sane, caring people who also are refusing society's lies and are reclaiming their power and true beauty.
2) Every time you see something showing women as too skinny or blatantly sexualized, take a deep breath and say to yourself "That's a lie. I choose me."
3) Read Geneen Roth Books like When Food is Love. www.geneenroth.com
4) Start meditating. Even 5 minutes a day spending time being aware of your breath will put you in touch with your feelings. http://www.sharonsalzberg.com
5) Start to become active in what you love DOING. People admire action, courage and real happiness far more than they admire a size 2.
6) Ask yourself if it is your body, mind or heart that is hungry. Your mind and heart need nourishment other than food.
7) Spend time with people who support you, not people who hurt you.
I love you. The world needs you.
Daphne

What Do I want?

*I Dedicate This Post To You Linda, RIP

A simple enough question to ask ourselves and one that we do daily. And easy enough to answer, Right? From Personal experience my answer would be no. When suffering from an eating disorder, many of our decisions are taken away from us along with our control and power. We essentially let our eating disorders make most of our decisions for us. Which is ironic really, considering many eating disorders begin when we feel we have little or no control in our lives. Yet even the smallest of choices can become huge and painfully overwhelming.

I've found that recovery is a lot about self discovery and getting in touch with not only who you are but what you truly want in life. It's about listening to your heart to help guide you, your mind to rationalise and help come to decisions and your body telling you what it really wants and needs. It's about reclaiming your power and taking back control of your body, your mind & your soul.

I want to share with you a small extract from my journal in which I describe an example of listening to myself and deciding what I really want...

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"Just got back from a lovely walk with the gals... The weather was glorious and really warm...

As we walked around the park I observed all the beauty, all the fun, the children laughing, eating ice-cream and playing, the couples lazy around holding hands and it was lovely to see. It did make me a little sad. I thought 'I want some of that' and then I thought, 'Well, one day very soon you will Hanna. One step at a time hey?'

And then I thought "Okay, so what could I do right now to make me happy? What do I want?" And my answer came quickly- 'I want an ice-cream' "Wooaaahhhh..... Hang on there Missy! (My eating disorder pipes up) An ice-cream? Are you stoned?" "Erm nope, just fancy one of life's little pleasures...."

So, I went to the cafe (all the while stupidly nervous) stood in line and waited. They were all out...
*Phew* <<< *Eating disorder wipes forehead* I was somewhat disappointed though.

This just wasn't good enough! And then I saw it. Across the park, gleaming in the sunshine... An ice-cream van!! So, the girls and I set off to get ourselves some of that yummy goodness.

When we got to the van, we again stood in line. Inca was bored by this point and decided to do a big poop on the grassy bank. The mothers weren't happy. (I carry bags, don't worry) Of course I was surveying the menu, trying to figure out which would be 'the safest' and the one with the least calories.... I went for a 'Solero' The ice-lolly with 'only 90cals!' But as I was handing over the money I thought (excuse the language) "sod it!, I want a 'Mr Whippy Ice-cream' (UKers will know what I mean here) So, I changed my order and got one in a cup.

We went and sat on the bench and I slowly began eating it. It tasted nice. This scared me. Then I realised there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. It was an ice-cream and a yummy one at that....

This is what recovery is all about.....

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Something so small and seemingly insignificant to others was not only a huge achievement for me but also very empowering. It really is the little things in life isn't it.

So, do yourself a favour today. Ask yourself "What do I want" And taste just how amazing it feels when you listen to you rather than your eating disorder....

Freedom is a choice and the choice is all yours for the taking!

With Much Love, smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

*As I said at the beginning of this post, I dedicate this to Linda who I sadly found out today has passed. She was a part of our community and a will be deeply missed. Linda was a true fighter and was determined to recover from her eating disorder and also raise much needed awareness. Sadly, she lost her battle before she managed to save herself. Let her passing be a reminder to us all that this disease does kill. Don't waste anymore time...

May You Have peace Now Linda