My God, There's A World Out there!

And it’s missing me!

It was a beautiful evening last night and as I walked through the streets with my dogs, I took the time to truly take everything in.

The air felt fresh, the breeze warm on my skin. Everywhere I looked I sensed life and at the same time stillness and calm.

In the distance I could hear children laughing, couples arguing, dinner plates clattering, wine glassed clinking, dogs barking and babies crying.

I could hear life in all its shining glory.

All sounds very mundane I guess? But to me it was glorious yet at the same time painful.

You see, being so consumed with an eating disorder a lot of the time, you tend to miss out on the little things in life.

I’ve lost many a summer’s night, crying over the next meal or walking round and round in circles not knowing which way to turn.

Meanwhile others are enjoying the company of good friends and food, lovers are dancing and children are running around enjoying life (and driving their parents mad!)

But, looking back to this time last summer, I am in a much better space. Back then my whole life was dedicated to skipping the next meal and exercising my body and mind to the point of exhaustion.

This year, although I’m not yet doing all of the things I once enjoyed, I am happier in the knowledge that as I get stronger and healthier, this will all come to me. And I am enjoying more and more each day, making plans and once again starting to experience new things.

I'm beginning to taste the sweet nectar of life and it's delicious.

~

I said to my therapist today that I’m doing a lot better than I was to which she replied, “That’s not good enough”.

She went on to add, “You don’t want to be just doing better than you were, we want you better.

We want to bring you back to life”

This I found powerful.

Life isn’t going anywhere and there is still so much time ahead of me. Once I am truly free there will be no stopping me, you’ll see ;-)

Time is on my side. Life isn't working against me.

And the same applies to you.

No matter how boring/frustrating/sad/tiring life may seem at the moment, know that it won’t always be that way.

As I often say and firmly believe, only we hold the key to change our current situations and direction in which our live's are headed.

With Time, dedication & support comes healing and ultimately happiness. With lots of fun & laughter!

Whether you are in recovery from an eating disorder or just feel stuck in a rut with your own life at the moment;

Know that ‘this too shall pass’

The world is a big place and it’s waiting for each and everyone of us to embrace it and shine :o)

And many BBQ's to be enjoyed!

~

The next 6 weeks my life is set to change in major ways, with big leaps and bounds mixed in with quite a bit of discomfort and a lot of emotions as I embark on a new programme with my therapist.

We’re taking my recovery to a whole new level as it needs a boost. Although I've been doing very well, I have been very much stuck in limbo for a while and it's time to move forward.

I’m very nervous (make that terrified) as it means I may be going completely against what my eating disorder has had me believe for so long but I’m doing it because;

I want my life back now please.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support

Hanna xx

Beauty in Nature, Beauty in Ourselves

 (photo credit: Life is full of beauty. Notice it)

In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful

-  Alice Walker

p.s. I highly recommend checking out some of the amazing comments left on my last post "well that WAS helpful" -- I love reading what's helpful for other people - what works for one, may not work for another as every body is different and every person is different (all beautiful as well)

What if?

A big part of having an eating disorder is looking in the mirror and not liking what we see. But, ask any man or woman if they do & I’ll bet the vast majority of answers would be that they don’t either. The problem we face when battling with an eating disorder is looking in the mirror and not seeing what others see, complete body distortion.

And it doesn’t matter how many times we are told, “You are beautiful” “You are not fat” “You are too thin” “You look lovely” - We struggle to accept this, or just flat out disbelieve it. Suddenly those we trusted with our lives have become liars to us. Those that love & care for us, respect us and believe in us. The mother who gave birth to us, the friend who grew up with us. Even the woman who serves us in our local deli is at it!

But what if, just what if others weren’t lying to us? What if they were in fact telling us the honest truth? What if, our eating disorders were the one feeding us lies and those that love and care about us were actually telling us how it is? What if?

Well I’ve come to the realisation recently that they’re probably not. I mean, that’s a lot of people bullshitting me. And what would the point be? Also, did they all form an alliance to be sure they all tell me the same lies? I doubt it! That would take a lot of time and effort and surely these people have better things to do? After all, it’s not all about me….

I don’t think I want to trust-in and believe my eating disorder anymore. After years of listening to its lies and bitter words that leave me feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I think I want to start listening to those I love & trust, respect & admire.

I know self-acceptance doesn’t just happen overnight. And actually learning to love yourself can take time. But I also know it is possible. For both you & myself. One day soon I will be able to look myself right in the eye and say “Hanna, you are beautiful, just as you are….

And for now, I’m going to join your ‘Team of Liars’ & tell you “You are Beautiful, just as you are”

Of course you don’t believe me but you will….

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna x x x

Who Am I Without My Eating Disorder?

Whether you’ve existed with your eating disorder for many, many years or just a few months, it can become your identity; it’s all you know. And maybe it’s also all others have known too. You and your eating disorder, your eating disorder and you. So, when you’ve made the decision to recover, the question that is often asked is ‘Who am I without my eating disorder?’…

I know it is something that often crosses my thoughts. And I’ve been giving it a considerable amount of thought of late. It can be very daunting and scary.


And of course, I don’t know the answer yet as to exactly how I will be once recovered but I do know that I am not my eating disorder. I am loving. I am caring. I am talented. I am giving. I am creative. I am loyal. I am strong. I am Hanna.

And as for how life will be? Well, anything is better than life as it has been. I cannot see into the future but I know it will be brighter. It will be happier. It will be healthier. There will be laughter, healing, fun and success- in every sense of the word. There will be love and there will be light.

Can you relate to this?

Ask yourself this; who do you want to be? You see, I believe when you are free from your eating disorder; you can be anyone you want to be! And that is exciting. Scary? Yes but invigorating too!

You don’t have to ‘be anything’ you don’t want to be. You are you and you are beautiful. You do not have to conform to any ones idea of who you were before your eating disorder or who they expect you will be. The beauty of any kind of healing is self-growth and discovery.

Many may ‘cling’ to their eating disorder through fear of finding the ‘real them’; don’t let that be you. Broaden your horizons, explore, enjoy, spread your wings and fly. Take each day as it comes and find time to get to know yourself again.

The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important one we shall ever form. Treasure it.

So who are we without our eating disorders? You are you and I am me and we are amazing; just as we are.

I leave you with a video that someone sent to me once. Beautiful song, powerfully written & inspiring. I’ve also included a couple of quotes by Dr Seuss , the American children’s writer cartoonist & all round fab guy :o)

With Much Love, Smiles & Support

Hanna x




Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you~ Dr Seuss

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind ~ Dr Seuss