Pumpkin Carving and Fighting Urges

So, last night was odd. I found out (good news!) that I don't have to be at work until an hour later than planned today (I do have to stay an hour later though... but, meh) - I'll still miss the Pumpkin 5k I wanted to run but that's life.

I found myself at the store late last night to go get dog food. I thought I had another bag of it, but realized I didn't and thought it better to go then than early this morning... better meaning I didn't want to bear the consequences I was sure my lovely Moscato would bestow upon me in the form of pouncing and whimpering.

So I was there... I got a pumpkin to carve, got the dog food, got pumpkin carving tools, and then I went to go get some milk and strolled by the aisle where the sign for something I need not ever buy is visible to anyone passing by. Despite having a very serious discussion with Laura about this exact item earlier that day... after mulling it over and staring at them for quite  some time they found their way into my basket.

I went home and stared at that box... but then I saw the pumpkin sitting right next to them and decided to carve the pumpkin instead. To ensure I would bide enough time that the urge to take them would pass I decided to carve Starry Night.

by nearly 2am this morning I still wasn't done... went to bed... got up and finished it (well, there's still a little bit of work to do) - the pics aren't the greatest since my living room has three fairly large windows and it's 11am.. so the sun is out.

but, I'm hoping it looks sort of like Starry Night... I feel like it does.

No stencil (I don't even think I could find one for Starry Night if I wanted to, since it's such an intricate painting), just freehand sketching... and freehand carving.

In any event the pumpkin carving served it's purpose well and I think it looks rather cool

identifying feelings

I keep on missing my posts and for that I apologize. I also apologize for this post in advance... it's not very... well... it's just not.

I found out my grandfather was in hospice this past Saturday due to an accident and he passed away late Sunday night...  Consequently, I haven't had words for awhile now.



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I saw Laura on Monday, as she offered to let me see her off-schedule, and during her session I realized I couldn't even pinpoint my feelings... and sitting here right now, I'm not certain I can either. When I fill out my DBT diary cards.. that last section is often always empty - except for the occasional, "tired" or something similar. Laura wound up sending me the link to a website with lists of emotions... RIGHT HERE

Little did Laura realize (or maybe she did), but this was actually a topic of a recent DBT group... we were given a sheet that gave a lot of different emotions (sadness, fear, happiness, etc) and stated their purpose.

"Sadness is a healthy response to loss that signals a need to be consoled, and leads us, if we heed it, to seek comfort from another person. 

Anger is a healthy response to betrayal or violation, and leads to setting boundaries. 

Fear is a healthy response to threat, and signals a need to escape danger, and can guide us to run or to engage in appropriate safety behaviors."

Seeing all of these emotions in list form on that website was an interesting experience.... because I realized some of the words I could sort of remember feeling like at some point in the past, but couldn't recall the "when." I imagine (since this is often present in DBT) that a part of being able to do this is, or start to, relates to mindfulness.

Emotions are a key part of being human. Having this ability to feel. Definitely something to work on getting back.

What do you feel right now?

flowing with the river of life

Image Credit: Wide Eyed Illuminations aka my Brother-in-Law

Water flowing down a river bank will encounter obstacles. Round stones. Islands. Divisions. Cliffs. But it keeps flowing. It goes around the islands and can flatten down the round stones after many years. 

There are many analogies that compare life to various things. There's only one that I think holds great merit: the one comparing life to a river. 

I'm too old to know everything. Far past the years of my youth where I believed I knew everything there was to know about this thing called life. What I have learned though is that some of the better times in my life are the ones where I just went with the flow. Where I knew which obstacles were best to avoid (the islands) and which to continue fighting (the stones). Where I didn't fight my heart. Didn't try to turn around. Where I just allowed my life to unfold. 

Life is a beautiful thing if you don't try to over think it, but rather just live it. If you live in the moment. Enjoying the happiness instead of thinking about when it will end. Accepting the sadness knowing you won't be sad forever - knowing it will make the happiness seem that much sweeter when it comes (and it will come). Speaking up for yourself when you feel it's of merit and accepting things that won't change no matter how much energy you emit trying to make it.

Understanding that life may be bumpy and rough at times, but that later on it will be smooth and calm - much like a river.

I am trying to just flow with this river of life. I went to DBT Wednesday night and it didn't take me a glass of wine to garner up the courage to. I haven't touched laxatives since this past weekend and have been filling out the diary cards Laura emailed me on Wednesday. By doing these things, not fighting it, and getting back to this way of doing things... I have a feeling I'm going to start enjoying the ride again (puppy in tow)

the process of becoming whole

 (photo credit: me circa 2008 --- wow...)

as I've mentioned before I recently came back from a three day trip to Chicago.  Before I left I was losing weight - enough to get me out of what I truly believe IS my set point range (which is oddly enough right in the middle of what's considered a healthy BMI range for my height --- so I was still within what's perceived as healthy by physicians - I still say take BMI with a grain of salt though hence my mention of set point first) - then I went to Chicago got back on track and came home only to find myself having issues with the thing that I often do... The ability to be here now - thus causing me some problems these past few days.

What was it that Chicago did  to me?

What was it that it allowed me to feel?

I felt whole. I talked with people about life, about the store Anthropologie (holla Kristine from strangeBird), about college to the guy that flirted with me at Starbucks, to proving I can get along on my own by hailing a taxi/running the streets in the morning hours, to proving that friends can be great assets to have along (especially on public transit trains after good pizza -- without purging -- and cosmopolitans), that I could be with myself and be okay with that. That I could be connected with myself while running instead of disconnecting and dissociating. All of these things helped form a WHOLE person, rather than a person whose mind is focused on one or two things only.
We oftentimes think to ourselves that we want to be happy. I don't think that's what I want though... I think I want to retain that sensation I felt in Chicago - that sensation I think contributed to the contentment and then happiness that I felt there. The two concepts (happiness and wholeness) I believe are two completely different ideas.

I think feeling whole is what recovery looks like. Being thankful for those things about yourself that you do have that do allow you to do amazing things, or simple things. Being whole enough to focus on all aspects of your life (including emotions) rather than trying to color them in with black and pretending they don't exist. Being whole felt really good in Chicago. I think I want to do more than just visit that feeling.

I'm not going to say I know how to get there as I don't... I got there in Chicago via a road uncertain to me.... and lost that path upon my return home. I think having the ability to nourish your whole self (and by nature of that staying mindful) is paramount to getting there though.


What do you think is part of feeling whole? Have you ever felt whole before? Am I completely off base?

I'm okay. I'm fine. I feel fat.

 (photo credit to nobody-but-me)

Okay, so I had absolutely NO idea what to write about today (for tomorrow)... and I decided I would go for a run. It started sprinkling half-way through my first iPod song... I kept running, when I got about to the halfway point it started pouring,  right when Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" started making its way to my ears my shoulder popped (I've had two shoulder surgeries and so running is a touch and go sport), and by the end of that song it had popped again resulting in walking. It was at this point when it was still pouring that a police officer driving by asked me if I needed a ride and I told him that magical phrase, "I'm okay"

Let's think about this. It's pouring rain, it's thundering, I'm about a fifteen minute walk from my home and my shoulder keeps popping every time I try to run. Yet, I'm proclaiming that I am okay to a police officer who offered me a ride.

This phrase also commonly shows up at the end of my therapy sessions (actually, if I'm being honest, I'd say nearly every session) - "I'm always okay. seriously."

So what did I really mean when I said that to the police officer? I was telling him that I didn't actually have a problem (aka I'm not weak), that I didn't need help (aka I can help myself), and that I did not want to impose on him or put him out.

In saying the phrase a lie is forming - not only between yourself and who you say it to... but also to yourself. You're burying the problem at hand.. ignoring it... hoping it will solve itself - refusing to deal with the issue.  (I also think the phrase can mean that we wish for help to seek us - that we want to know who really cares based on who will challenge that statement)

This burial will present problems later on (me having to walk 15 minutes in the pouring rain) as it will undoubtedly come to a head... Worse yet? These constant lies impact relationships. If you're "always okay" then people assume that you can get through things even when you do muster the courage to approach them with a problem.... this can be devastating... here you need people and are willing to admit it and are being dismissed...

or they know you're not okay and don't know what to do since you won't discuss it. Do you see how this could be frustrating? You're doing X,Y, and Z and yet you're saying everything is okay... repeatedly.

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I feel like I can't complete this topic without addressing "I feel fat" --- "I feel fat" is really suppressed emotions and feelings in the same way that "I'm okay/fine" is suppressed problems. You're not "feeling fat" - you're feeling things that fat represents to you. You're feeling those uncomfortable things. Whether it be frustrated, sad, angry, disjointed, confused, forlorn, exhausted, whatever... you're feeling. and that can feel, unsettling. Especially if you don't have words for those feelings - just that you are... and at that moment fat seems like a tangible stand in.

Next time you say that you're okay, you're fine, or that you feel fat -- take a moment to try to think what you really mean by that -- try to realize what all is going on inside of you and identify those emotions/feelings/etc - I think it can also probably help on the "be here now" front as you're trying to figure out what is happening within you in that moment


Try to get to know yourself, try to get to know those feelings, they are yours' after all.



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which brings me to something I'm going to start doing on here... to get to know myself a bit better. I know that might sound odd, but I think self discovery can be a grand thing. Arielle actually inspired this via Facebook --- also, I think this could be a good opportunity for anyone that reads to get to know me so I can break away from this mysterious Wednesday poster persona...


Warning: this may bore you, so I'll always put it at the end of my posts ;)


DAY 01: A PICTURE OF YOURSELF WITH 10 FACTS

10 Facts about Me:

1) I love pretty food... a lot --- make it pretty and I'll eat at least some of it (see the amazing chocolate easter bunny picture)

2) Really big turtles scare me... or rather creep me out - even pictures of them. When I went to Disney World in college, we went to Epcot's Coral Reef restaurant and sat next to an aquarium wall.. unfortunately there was a massive turtle right next to me the whole time. No bueno...

3) I was born in Upper Heyford, England (aka Oxfordshire) and have since lived in Mississippi, Washington state, Kansas, Missouri, Indiana, Arkansas, Texas (2 locations back to back), Illinois, and am now back in Missouri.

4) In the fall, I try to eat something pumpkin every single day.

5) I want to work in a group home some day

6) I have a weird habit of dropping coins on the ground -- I remember how much it would excite me as a kid to find money

7) I only listen to CDs, talk radio, or country radio in my car.... why? I like consistency and I can guarantee the ability to listen to any of those three in any state.

8) I know how to make balloon animals

9)  I keep peppermints in my car for when I see homeless people... I try to give them $1 and a peppermint candy --- when I worked in downtown Indianapolis I remember sharing pizza with my father and a homeless man and how the homeless man told me he hated always having bad breath - I also fully believe in having open hands

10) I honestly think I'm in a better place than I have been in a very long time (and no I don't just mean, because I'm in my amazing bed eating a banana)

be here now: a lesson from therapy sessions past

Sometimes it can feel like you're on a sidewalk... in a crowded hallway... next to train tracks... watching yourself go by, right before your eyes.

Here's the thing though. There's no productivity in seeing yourself that way. You're never going to catch that train. That train holds you... but it's the future you. You can't stop it. Instead be in that car. 

You can do that by being here now.

Yes. just be here now...

Then you'll always be with yourself... whether you're in that train or not. You'll maintain your faith in yourself, because what's present. what's now can be certain. It's the future that is open for question.

In this moment, what can you feel... what can you see... what can you taste?

what can you appreciate at this exact moment? 

My room is messy and disorganized from recent events.. but my bed and comforter are providing me warmth and a feeling of security unparalleled. 

Trying to stay in the moment is incredibly hard... I think that's why I'm so adverse to DBT (probably to my therapist's dismay)... but I'm working on it as to be honest, I think she may be on to something with trying to get me to engage in mindfulness... going on walks without my iPod and just taking in what's around me. I've started to do this more.

I have that glorious park across the street and each time I visit, the experience seems different (and I assure you I visit a lot... multiple times daily as of late). Sometimes I run, sometimes I run/walk (doing intervals), sometimes I just stroll, other times I bring a camera. The latter even helps me to be here now, because I'm forced to focus on the present. That very instant. What's happening as I click that button.

I think my therapist knows this because whenever she makes a comment about disconnecting she follows it up with a suggestion of me visiting that park. It's good to have someone that understands how my mind works. What things work for me.

Having a dog for awhile really helped... I am debating moving in September when my lease is up, staying in the general area, but into a place that will allow me to have a dog, even if only one under 15 pounds.  That worked for me.

it's just a matter of figuring out what works for you. stretching, pilates, walks... whatever can allow you to be here now. quit running from yourself.

I think in the process of just being here now you can learn a lot, become more self aware.

p.s. I highly recommend checking out yesterday's post by Serra -- I'm really intrigued by what people's answers as to if "Full Recovery" is possible and if so what it looks like are.

Sun day [introduction]

Hello you divine creatures. I'm Rachel...
What do you need to know? I'm in my early 20s, I'm a musician or something. [that is not me. that is betty supple. go on, hit play!] Should I say "I've had an eating disorder since" or "I've been recovering for" ? A long time; a long time. I'm grateful for how much I've learned since I started trying to pull my head out of the sand. And I'm grateful to the founder and all of the members of this blog, and to We Bite Back, for being a part of that for me for the last 3 years.

I'm pretty stoked about beginning this blog, but I'll tell you straight off: I'm nervous, because I know I have trouble sometimes keeping my words in the realm of the concise and understandable, rather than turning out half-baked novellas and treatises, spinning around and around myself so much trying to figure out what it is I so urgently am trying to say that I disappear up my own navel. It's not terribly pretty.

But what happens is, it is urgent.
When I'm writing about something like recovery from eating disorders, or sinister forces in society, or oppressive ways of viewing yourself or the world, well, it feels urgent. It feels like life and death that it be figured out and communicated, and I don't understand why the whole lot of us humans aren't trying to figure out and communicate, too, so that we can save ourselves.
I think I'm not alone in this. Needing to figure it all out, needing to understand. Urgently.
And you know, speaking as someone whose personal understanding of the experience of loathing yourself runs particularly deep... I think I like this about myself.
I like that I take seriously the task of understanding and communicating, I like that as I go about my life, I'm not satisfied to let a lot of things slide without trying to understand them. (That said, protip: if you want to get me to check out of a conversation just make it clear you're going to start talking about mathematics and my brain will dive for cover for my own protection and I won't register a single thing you say after that point. "The square root of - " zap. Tuned out. Anyway...)

So if it's so urgent to write, to "figure out and communicate", if that is really what we need to do so that we can save ourselves, what more is there?
Well, there's one thing.
It's this:
Chill out.
Because words on a page are not going to save us. Me, you, anyone. What save us are actions.

Lately, I am into incorporating the wisdom of mindfulness; presentness; "being here now" more and more into my life and it seems to bear on this. I do like that I need to figure things out, and I don't think I would trade the millions of words I've poured out trying to understand living in this world for anything. But in the end, all that all those words can do is orient me to a very simple truth: in every moment, I have to be present, so that I can choose to do the right thing. In the end, if the urgent need to understand everything is presenting itself as an obstacle to the simplicity of a moment, then it is only an obstacle. Whereas if I chill out, and exist in a present moment, I can actually access wisdom I've achieved and apply it to that present moment. The urgency doesn't serve if it's interfering.

And so my take-home message to start off the week is just that. More urgent than anything is your participation in the moment you're in.

And once you're in that moment, you're faced with two immensely beautiful things: choice and possibility.
If I were to issue a challenge, it would be that. Throughout the week, try to launch yourself into the present, so that you can ask yourself " does what I'm doing right now align with my ultimate goals, my ultimate sense of the way I am going to live?"
it's simple.
Chill out. It's not the time to figure it all out. To figure out the goals, or morality. In the present moment, it's simple. Maybe I've had a stressful or complicated week, but today, the need to appreciate and employ the perspective of making things very simple seems, well, terribly urgent.

I appreciate my furious mind, and my words on the page. And I think that often, words on a page can fertilise the seeds of actions. And sometimes it's not the time for it to be furious. Sometimes, fury gets in the way of action. Both things are true.

(and ironically, i think one can learn a lot from asking that question and being present in moments.)

Until next week: chill out! We don't need to understand it all right now. :) In any given moment, we just need to act. I dare us.

Peace and CouRage,

Rache

p.s. enjoy this song by Betty Supple. She's from Hamilton! :) [ish.]