Breaks: Needed and Not

So I said last time that I needed a break. At that instant in time I felt like I needed a break from everything and everyone - especially from therapy. Truly. I wanted to shut myself off from the world (except for work and running) for a little bit in the name of mental health.


Needing a break sounds completely sensible, and in some cases it truly is reasonable and possibly the perfect course of action to deal with a situation. Especially if becoming too involved in the world is allowing you to do everything except take care of yourself. (Kendra from VIR explains this really wonderfully here)

What if it's not though?

What if taking a break is actually the exact opposite of what you need to be doing? What if it's not actually in the name of mental health, but rather in the name (or spirit) of something else?

The reason I felt I needed a break was because I had a rough session with Laura where self injurious behavior was brought up. I won't go into details, because it's not necessary for me to make my point.

My point is that I think sometimes it's important to examine whether or not our perceived needs truly fit into that categorization or if there's more to it than that. If there's something going on that makes us want whatever it is to be a need (rather than just a desire).

If you asked me why I want to take a break or why I feel I need to, I honestly do not believe I could come up with a logical or rational response to the inquiry. I'm pretty much known for my ability to rationalize almost anything in a way that people have problems persuading me otherwise (as they cannot find great fault with my well thought out line of thinking) so that's saying a lot. I could probably, in fact, only tell you that I feel I need time off. That I feel I need to think about things... but isn't that what therapy's for anyways? thinking things through or talking things out? To discuss those feelings?

Now if it were about my therapist... that would be a different case. I think then taking a break to examine whether or not the relationship was the right fit would be a wise decision. It's not about that though. I trust Laura (which is a rare thing for me and I actually think that was part of why the session felt so rough) and I've told her more unspeakable things from my past than I have anyone else. Truly anyone. Some things that I don't think I could have ever told my past therapist (who I had a fairly good relationship with).

Since it's not about my therapist though... maybe I need to re-examine whether or not this need is actually a disordered desire. 

Especially since when I examine what I've done thus far on my break it hasn't exactly been progression of any sort. Something tells me running in the heat and working long hours (I wound up getting called in a lot this weekend) on hardly anything (thank you Paul from Companion Bakery for the extra sugar cookie or it would have been even worse) is not exactly the best way to start a "break" -- if it were for legit reasons. It's as though the break is giving me some sick sort of permission to do whatever I feel like doing.  Which is not what a needed break does or should do.


I feel like I'm stealing missmarymax's tagline, but maybe it's time to #reframe and figure out if I should either cancel my break or actually spend the break in a productive way that's in the true spirit of a needed break... to be honest it's looking like I'm going to be responding to an email I've been ignoring for more than a few days now. In fact, maybe I should before this is even scheduled to post... hmmm.. decisions.

p.s. Well, as of this morning it seems that scientists are tapping into the knowledge of those social psych principles that were outlined on Saturday.. now they're saying one of the reasons diets fail is due to starved brain cells - which goes along with the "urges" I mentioned and not being able to fight them off if you've been restricting.

fear.

When people will read this, it will be father's day... I'm a daddy's girl. There's no question about that. I rarely can bring myself to say anything negative about my father and when I do, I usually follow it up with an emotional meltdown to some degree. Sometimes even thinking ill of my father will turn me to shambles. Whether or not I let people know it tears me up inside is another story.

My father and I held a lot of secrets. Secrets that bonded us together... that cause me to maintain my allegiance (at least partially) to this day.

I had my Laura yesterday (I'm writing this on Saturday) and I read a couple of text messages in that session whose contents and the reintroduction of them (by me reading them again - and out loud) caused me to feel dejected by the time I had made it out to my car - it got worse as the night went - probably since after going home and changing I immediately headed to work. As a consequence of never being able to just unwind (and other things), this morning was not a good one... Resulting in me doing something that could have turned out really horridly.

What set this off? 

Fear.

In particular feelings that I've left unacknowledged... because they seem foreign and scary, that according to the show My Name is Earl, could use a hug.. or maybe just acceptance or validation

You're probably wondering what this has to do with my father - the past few paragraphs seeming quite dis-contiguous. Well, the text message contents reminded me of a few of the secrets I share with my father. There are all these realities based on these two topics, realities that have resulted in fears. Fears which sometimes become consuming and lead to maladaptive coping skills (whoa - IOP flashback). 

So what's the solution here? Something that I'm afraid of...  addressing those aforementioned feelings that are behind the fear. I can say with certainty that the solution is certainly not not scheduling an appointment for this coming week... which I must rather sheepishly admit was my gut reaction.. rather facing the fear.  Even if that means getting uncomfortable...

While I don't know if I can figure out that appointment situation, I do know that I am going to try to get the day off from work for my next session so that I have time to walk or do something centering afterward instead of rushing off to the next task at hand. I'm also truly going to try to be more open to talking about things. Try. Not just this, but also something else that scares me... a three letter acronym for a treatment method that starts with a D - I'm sure a lot of you can guess it. Why? Because it's important for me to acknowledge that uncomfortableness is a temporary feeling and that by chance the results will be worth it. Accomplishments usually don't happen by always staying within your comfort zones, right? Here's to hugging feelings... and maybe ourselves.

p.s. what are your goals for this new week?

In the Desert

Hello :) Hope you're having a beautiful Thursday. Yesterday, I arrived in the wonderful (albeit HOT) and sunny state of Arizona. I woke up very early this morning and took a walk to look around and stop at the grocery store, and thought I'd share some of my thoughts from that walk.

Being a mid-westerner at heart, I tend to embrace the summer thunderstorms booming as I fall asleep, detest the humidity, and revel in the sunshine. Out here in the "desert," though, it's different. The muggy, rainy environment I am accustomed to is replaced by what they call a dry heat. You don't mess with a dry heat; the sweat you normally feel on your skin that lets you know you need to go inside and drink some water is gone. This dry heat causes that sweat to evaporate so quickly you never even get a chance to notice it. Of course, some of you humid-weather dwellers are probably saying, that sounds SO nice--no sticky, sweaty, smelly skin. It can be dangerous, though, because dehydration is just around the corner, and so is a pretty wicked (and not in the good sense) sunburn.

The last time I visited, I took no precaution. I existed as if though I were still in the midwest; I didn't wear a hat, drink water (I drank soda and only rarely), or wear sun glasses, dutifully ignoring my partner's comments that I was torturing my body, for lack of a better description. I felt like crap all the time, too. My boyfriend seemed just fine, and I wondered how the heck he fared so much better out here than me.

So this time around, I decided to try an experiment. I took a walk in the morning (with temperatures already near 95 degrees, and the sun hot overhead). However, I went and purchased a hat, a liter of flavored water (!), and wore my sunglasses (as well as heat appropriate clothing!). All the sudden, I could tolerate walking around in the heat. It was wonderful! I think it was the first walk I enjoyed in Arizona, and I've visited about 4 or 5 times so far. The precautions I took allowed me to feel great in this dang near inhospitable enviornment. Surprising what some preparation can do, eh?

And so you might ask how this relates to anything important (or eating disorders).

The truth is that when you are recovering from an eating disorder, the environment changes. You can no longer do some things you used to be able to do when you were healthy (like exercise, for example). I mean, you can do them--but you can't do them SAFELY.

So heed the advice of your nutritionist, your family, whomever is helping you through this journey (or your better self). Take care of your body--the environment has changed, and you need to adapt to enviornment while you're in it. All the self denial in the world won't protect you from the overbearing sun or dry heat as you get better.

These Mexican Bird of Paradise plants sure know how to thrive in the desert.

A Challenge... of the "me first" variety

(photo credit to: amazon)

I think this week I learned a lesson on life that has been long in the making... a lesson that has left me solidified that time for myself (or myself in general) should be prioritized.

I have this perpetual fear of being viewed as lazy. So I try as hard as I can to be in constant motion. Literally from 7am (sometimes 8am) until about 1am - 2am I am doing something that is non-negotiable. I do try to squeeze an hour power nap in there, but most of my day is spent driving, at school, at work (on my feet), or doing work that resulted from one of the aforementioned things. I try to start my morning with a half hour walk, but lately that's not even been happening.

I should note that I am not doing it for financial reasons, it is purely out of this drive to be constantly going.  Bottom line? This is NOT healthy, especially since it means I work every day of the week.

I was planning on going into work earlier this week and telling them that I needed one day off each week, however, the same day I was set to do that, I spoke to my father on the 15 minute break we take during my Gender Across Culture class -- he told me that that's what it means to be an adult. Making sacrifices, sucking it up, and moving on. You're capable of doing it, so do it. I thought about it... and he was right that I am capable of doing it... I did it in high school (perhaps to a larger degree in fact), so I can do it now...

I didn't broach the topic at work.

But after I emailed my therapist to indefinitely cancel my appointments (I won't even have that nap-time option available to me come June 16th due to an additional three hours of class each day) it dawned on me that what my father told me could very well be wrong.

Being an adult does not mean making sacrifices and sucking it up, though it can involve those things... It does however mean taking care of yourself - be it by yourself or through knowing when to ask for help when you need it (and of course consequently asking for it). Just because you are capable of doing it, doesn't mean you should either. I was capable of doing a similar thing in high school, but should I have? Absolutely not. I wound up taking the living out of my life. That's not okay.

I'm not saying parents are wrong, I am however saying that parents, like anyone else, make mistakes. Like yourself,  they weren't given a manual of life. They don't know everything... they know what they think worked for them. There's the thing though. You are not your parent or guardian. You are, well, you're you.

Just as you are you. I am myself.. and I am my own expert. If my body is telling me something needs to give, I shouldn't allow my mind to be persuaded that I am wrong. That my body is wrong. My body knows what it needs and since it is my body and I am listening to it (truly listening to it) it can be ascertained that it is correct. And it is correct that I need a break... and no that does not mean I am lazy, it means I'm not a superhero.. that I am human. and that is okay.

As a challenge to myself, until I can straighten out this work situation,  I am going to try to incorporate "me" time into my weekly routine on the days I do have some spare time in the morning - those days where I don't have school in the morning, rather just work at night.

I am going to finally finish that green canopy I've been working on off and on. I'm going to take nice rambling walks. I'm going to relax and sit with myself.

I'm going to take a detour from my planned course and put myself first.


as a challenge to yourself, what can you do for yourself this week or each day? How can you make time for you?

(I credit the term "me first" to Kendra from Voice in Recovery)


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to continue my random self-discovery q/a :

A picture of my night:

 My Thursday night was spent at Anthropologie working. The above was our last window display -- it's a dress made of paper and dropcloth and of course thousands of clothespins that were individually placed/positioned on molded chicken wire -- the clothespin part has since migrated to the board you see behind the cash/wrap. They're in the process of taking the current one down (a wall made entirely of wine corks as part of the "Anthropologie Goes Green" theme), otherwise I would've put up a pic of that

What Do I want?

*I Dedicate This Post To You Linda, RIP

A simple enough question to ask ourselves and one that we do daily. And easy enough to answer, Right? From Personal experience my answer would be no. When suffering from an eating disorder, many of our decisions are taken away from us along with our control and power. We essentially let our eating disorders make most of our decisions for us. Which is ironic really, considering many eating disorders begin when we feel we have little or no control in our lives. Yet even the smallest of choices can become huge and painfully overwhelming.

I've found that recovery is a lot about self discovery and getting in touch with not only who you are but what you truly want in life. It's about listening to your heart to help guide you, your mind to rationalise and help come to decisions and your body telling you what it really wants and needs. It's about reclaiming your power and taking back control of your body, your mind & your soul.

I want to share with you a small extract from my journal in which I describe an example of listening to myself and deciding what I really want...

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"Just got back from a lovely walk with the gals... The weather was glorious and really warm...

As we walked around the park I observed all the beauty, all the fun, the children laughing, eating ice-cream and playing, the couples lazy around holding hands and it was lovely to see. It did make me a little sad. I thought 'I want some of that' and then I thought, 'Well, one day very soon you will Hanna. One step at a time hey?'

And then I thought "Okay, so what could I do right now to make me happy? What do I want?" And my answer came quickly- 'I want an ice-cream' "Wooaaahhhh..... Hang on there Missy! (My eating disorder pipes up) An ice-cream? Are you stoned?" "Erm nope, just fancy one of life's little pleasures...."

So, I went to the cafe (all the while stupidly nervous) stood in line and waited. They were all out...
*Phew* <<< *Eating disorder wipes forehead* I was somewhat disappointed though.

This just wasn't good enough! And then I saw it. Across the park, gleaming in the sunshine... An ice-cream van!! So, the girls and I set off to get ourselves some of that yummy goodness.

When we got to the van, we again stood in line. Inca was bored by this point and decided to do a big poop on the grassy bank. The mothers weren't happy. (I carry bags, don't worry) Of course I was surveying the menu, trying to figure out which would be 'the safest' and the one with the least calories.... I went for a 'Solero' The ice-lolly with 'only 90cals!' But as I was handing over the money I thought (excuse the language) "sod it!, I want a 'Mr Whippy Ice-cream' (UKers will know what I mean here) So, I changed my order and got one in a cup.

We went and sat on the bench and I slowly began eating it. It tasted nice. This scared me. Then I realised there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. It was an ice-cream and a yummy one at that....

This is what recovery is all about.....

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Something so small and seemingly insignificant to others was not only a huge achievement for me but also very empowering. It really is the little things in life isn't it.

So, do yourself a favour today. Ask yourself "What do I want" And taste just how amazing it feels when you listen to you rather than your eating disorder....

Freedom is a choice and the choice is all yours for the taking!

With Much Love, smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

*As I said at the beginning of this post, I dedicate this to Linda who I sadly found out today has passed. She was a part of our community and a will be deeply missed. Linda was a true fighter and was determined to recover from her eating disorder and also raise much needed awareness. Sadly, she lost her battle before she managed to save herself. Let her passing be a reminder to us all that this disease does kill. Don't waste anymore time...

May You Have peace Now Linda

GUEST POST: to decide or not

guest poster Saturday: darling Dani

I’ve never really been good at putting off decisions, major or otherwise.  I don’t like that nagging feeling in the back of my head, getting louder and louder, so I make active decisions as early as possible.  Sometimes that pays off, sometimes, obviously, it doesn’t.  Alternatively, if I DON’T make a decision right away, I put it off as long as possible, or even longer.  I liken it to ripping off a band-aid.  Some choose to do it quickly and get it over with, others wait until it naturally falls off in the shower.  Instead of fitting somewhere in the middle, I occupy both extremes at all times, usually using context to help.

So how does this figure into the decision to get well or not?  I’m not talking about the choice to enter treatment (be it in-patient our out).  Yes, that can be a major, and challenging, decision in itself.  But you don’t need to choose to get well before you choose to seek treatment.  That decision can be made either quickly or put off a long while.  Which makes it difficult to use context when making such a decision.  Do I want to plunge into being well, and strive to be healthy all the time forever from now on?  Or do I put the decision off until it is decided by default through my life?  Do I fully commit to recovery, or do I continue to put it off until I either do irreparable damage to my body and myself or am at the precipice right before that happens, thus having a decision made for me?  Does any of that make any sense?  I’m stuck in that awkward place where I haven’t fully compelled myself to be well, but also haven’t fully committed to being sick. 

What’s my point here?  I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.  Seeing people going in and out of treatment centres, it used to make me angry.  I used to think they were just looking for attention, or didn’t want to grow up, or both.  But then I became one of those people, and I understood, it’s the process of making the decision.  Some can enter treatment once, get well, and never look back.  Most cannot.  So the real question, then, is why don’t more health care professionals realise this?  Being somewhat hesitant when entering treatment should be seen not as antagonistic, aggressive, or argumentative.  Instead, it should be considered as part of treatment, the part where an individual s-l-o-w-l-y learns to claim their recovery for themselves, something which I believe is inherently necessary for recovery to be obtained. 

So here I have used a lot of words to say that it’s a muddy, muddy process when you consider recovery and all that it means in your life.  I’m saying it more for myself than anyone, though there are probably many who will understand.  There is not any one thing that will make you well or make you decide you want to be well, which I find incredibly frustrating. 

Where does that leave a person? 

~Dani