Going For a Walk

Image Credit

As Fall is not too far off, I get that old itch to start making the best of the summer weather. Today I'll be going to the Chicago Botanic Garden and visiting amongst gardens, my favorite Rose Garden, English Walled Garden and the Japanese Gardens.

I can recall a time when I barely left my house (except to exercise), barely appreciated nature, and missed out on the wonderful transition of the seasons. Granted, the leaves aren't turning colors quite yet, but I am definitely anticipating the changing seasons this year with more mindfulness. I look forward to the warm teas and switch back to hot coffee in the Fall, making leaf piles, and riding my bike in the last warm dregs of Autumn.

I have always felt that Nature has both brought me closer to myself in an intimate way--perhaps why it was way too scary when I was very sick--and also closer to everything, in a sort of spiritual-transcendent manner. In Nature I find myself reflected in the trees and leaves and clouds; I know that the fractal patterns that govern the branching structure of a tree (repeated over and over), are similar to the ones I can see in the branching of the veins all over my body. In another light, I see my mood in the sky and the weather, I feel alive when the wind and rushing by and calm when the air is still. I used to visit a tall, secluded prairie area on top of a hill when I was younger so that I could sit and look out over the cornfields and homes surrounding me. I felt both connected to all around me--both animals and people--but safely secluded in my hidden spot.

Do you have any places in nature that you like to go? If so, why?

In the Desert

Hello :) Hope you're having a beautiful Thursday. Yesterday, I arrived in the wonderful (albeit HOT) and sunny state of Arizona. I woke up very early this morning and took a walk to look around and stop at the grocery store, and thought I'd share some of my thoughts from that walk.

Being a mid-westerner at heart, I tend to embrace the summer thunderstorms booming as I fall asleep, detest the humidity, and revel in the sunshine. Out here in the "desert," though, it's different. The muggy, rainy environment I am accustomed to is replaced by what they call a dry heat. You don't mess with a dry heat; the sweat you normally feel on your skin that lets you know you need to go inside and drink some water is gone. This dry heat causes that sweat to evaporate so quickly you never even get a chance to notice it. Of course, some of you humid-weather dwellers are probably saying, that sounds SO nice--no sticky, sweaty, smelly skin. It can be dangerous, though, because dehydration is just around the corner, and so is a pretty wicked (and not in the good sense) sunburn.

The last time I visited, I took no precaution. I existed as if though I were still in the midwest; I didn't wear a hat, drink water (I drank soda and only rarely), or wear sun glasses, dutifully ignoring my partner's comments that I was torturing my body, for lack of a better description. I felt like crap all the time, too. My boyfriend seemed just fine, and I wondered how the heck he fared so much better out here than me.

So this time around, I decided to try an experiment. I took a walk in the morning (with temperatures already near 95 degrees, and the sun hot overhead). However, I went and purchased a hat, a liter of flavored water (!), and wore my sunglasses (as well as heat appropriate clothing!). All the sudden, I could tolerate walking around in the heat. It was wonderful! I think it was the first walk I enjoyed in Arizona, and I've visited about 4 or 5 times so far. The precautions I took allowed me to feel great in this dang near inhospitable enviornment. Surprising what some preparation can do, eh?

And so you might ask how this relates to anything important (or eating disorders).

The truth is that when you are recovering from an eating disorder, the environment changes. You can no longer do some things you used to be able to do when you were healthy (like exercise, for example). I mean, you can do them--but you can't do them SAFELY.

So heed the advice of your nutritionist, your family, whomever is helping you through this journey (or your better self). Take care of your body--the environment has changed, and you need to adapt to enviornment while you're in it. All the self denial in the world won't protect you from the overbearing sun or dry heat as you get better.

These Mexican Bird of Paradise plants sure know how to thrive in the desert.

Beauty in Nature, Beauty in Ourselves

 (photo credit: Life is full of beauty. Notice it)

In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful

-  Alice Walker

p.s. I highly recommend checking out some of the amazing comments left on my last post "well that WAS helpful" -- I love reading what's helpful for other people - what works for one, may not work for another as every body is different and every person is different (all beautiful as well)

Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces

So many of us have trauma in our lives, in our pasts that make it hard to cope with the present. So many of us turned to our disordered behaviours to manage our past, whether we were aware we were doing it or not.

Photography has for a long time been helping me rediscover, or perhaps discover for the first real time, the beauty of the world. Regardless of our pain and suffering, there is still beauty all around us in nature.

For me my trauma began as a teenager, in a rural place half way in between where I now live and where I now work, and where for the first time I am having to drive past twice a day, three days a week. Since that night when i was barely 17 I have avoided this place because of the memories which were dark and grim. Now I take my time when I drive through the area to take in the sights because it truly is spectacular. I had no idea all these years what I was missing, because I had let my fear and anger stop me from looking closer.

xoxo Serra

My Happy Place

hi!

I didnt post last week, i was busy moving house. i was living in central Wellington city, the capital city of New Zealand. I have moved one hour north to the Kapiti Coast. I live right by the beach now

It is incredible how much environmental factors influence behaviour and thoughts. I remember when I got married up here, in February 2009 and we stayed at the beach for a week after, I thought to myself that if I lived up here I could be free, peaceful and rid of this disorder. I felt like I was recovered for that week I stayed up here, before going back home to the chaos. Now I live up here and am breathing the sea air and feeling the open space around me. I don't feel trapped and I don't feel like my past is around every corner waiting for me. Obviously moving here didn't magically cure my ED - that is a work in progress, but I do feel the freedom I was longing for all this time.

A few of the reasons I love being here

• the trees out the front are perfect for hanging chimes and sun catchers in
• at night time, when it is a really windy night, I can't always tell if it is the wind or the roaring ocean i can hear
• there are no high-rises here, the sky is so huge I can see blazing sunsets followed by starry nights and giant rising moons
• my view is of Kapiti island and when I see the sky changing colour I can walk down my street to the beach to catch it
• I can walk to therapy without it being considered excessive
• I have a room just for my fairies!
• there are parks with Pukekos all around me
• the soil is sandy and the grass is springy
• people have Norfolk pine trees on their properties and at Christmas time the streets are red with Pohutuhawa trees
• I have a back yard and a front yard with a big wide deck which is always warm and I can't wait to sunbathe on
• there are high fences that make me feel safe
• I can lay down and feel relaxed and peaceful and calm
• Kapiti island is always changing
• some of my oldest friends live around the corner, and I now live right between my two closest friends. So much closer to my sis.
• Stellar has carpet to roll about on and cupboards to hide in
• I can set up and leave out my sewing machine and learn to sew. I can paint and I have a workshop to smash things and make mosaic madness
• there is so much here to explore. I lived in wellington for 25 years, it is time for somewhere new and a quieter more peaceful life

I have loved the ocean and the beach for so long now. I love how huge and vast the ocean is. It puts life into perspective. It puts my problems and my worries and my anxiety into perspective. It is so calming and so ominous and ever changing. It humbles me and inspires me. This is my safe place, my peaceful place, my happy place.

Where is your happy place? Where do you feel safe or peaceful or loved?

xoxo Serra & Stellar

city sidewalks and self care

In my therapist's office there's this funny little basket. Full of random goodies including a candle that I thank my stars she never burns (it's lavender, which is a scent that I am not exactly friends with - except for one perfume that Anthropologie used to sell), a journal, a fluffy plushie penguin, and other random objects that make her happy.

Her basket is there as an example of a self care box. The point of the box being that when you're in a good mindset, you track down things that you love, calm, and center you and put them in a box for easily accessibility when things are a little bit murkier or you're fighting an urge. That instead of having to go through the steps when you're already in that mindset of thinking of things, all you have to think to do is go to get that box.

The boxes can have candles, lotion, bubble bath, coloring books, nail polish, word searches, logic puzzles, books, playing cards, movies, a game, canned pumpkin (baking helps to calm me), whatever works for you. Consequently making every person's slightly different.

Saturday was an odd one for me as was Sunday. So I opened up a folder on my computer (hello virtual Self Care Box)  entitled, "Things I Love," which is mainly composed of pictures I've taken, quotes I love, a few ebooks, etc. It made me want to go experience something I love a lot... my city. I live in the most dangerous city in the United States supposedly, but I feel safe and secure. So I went on a walk through some of the places I love with my Nikon D80.

What would you put in your self care box?

Being Together, Being Alone

Hello there! Look's like it's Thursday again! I'm currently on my Spring Break, so the days have been seeming to rush together in my efforts to have fun before school starts again...not that the two (fun and school) are mutually exclusive ;).


((Edited to add: I hope this isn't too loose written and non-cohesive! My boyfriend is coming home from out of state today, so I've been rather distracted.))


In my last entry, I talked about letting yourself be helped, and ways in which we often don't let ourselves be helped by others (sometimes without even realizing it!). The isolation and secrecy of eating disorders or other mental disorders can keep us stuck inside our own little world, expecting little from others and expecting so much from ourselves.


Last week, I decided to step outside of my self-imposed box of isolation. A girl I met in one of my classes at the beginning of the term was celebrating her birthday at an indoor waterpark in Wisconsin (the seminal experience for a 20 something year old!). She invited me to come with, and I agreed to go, bathing suit, eating, and meeting new people (her friends) fears in tow. I was not a happy camper at first, but I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her, and I wanted to get to know her better outside of class. 


It was strange. I spent about two and a half days with my friend, having spent the night at her house before we left for Wisconsin. I haven't had a sleep over in about nine years. Imagine that! I wouldn't have even thought it possible a year ago that I would be able to do that again. But my friend put up with my initial awkwardness and shyness and got through to me. She had me swing dancing around her kitchen with a record player going in the background, laughing too hard to care about how silly I looked. For the first time in years, I was completely immersed in another person's presence. I wasn't separate, watching myself dance around from the outside. I was inside of me.

Check out my awesome rainbow socks. 

To tie this all together, I think we have to be willing to immerse ourselves in other people. We have to be willing to try to honestly communicate what we're thinking about and feeling to the people we care about. I once had a good friend tell me that life is all about the connections, the connections we make with other people. When it comes down to it, I really believe that friend's advice. Think of how many times a really crappy situation, school day or work day can be improved by someone simply smiling at you, someone just chatting with you about what's going on in your life. If it weren't for the people, it would be pointless, I think (not to say that we should neglect our self, but rather that part of being a self is being that self in the world, with other people). 

(Aw. Me on the left)

When you think about it, our very context is human. We rely on other humans to teach us how to talk, walk, act....even our thoughts are representations of language in our head. And as we know, the purpose of symbolic tool like language is to communicate. What use are all these thoughts if we only ever ruminate in our head?

After I got back from Wisconsin, I spent a few days happily glowing from the awesome social experiment/experience. Then, I decided I needed some time alone. I actualized my dream of taking a short roadtrip north--I headed up to Michigan (brrr, frozen beaches!) to spend two days on my own, travelling around. 

Saugatuck Dunes (Saugatuck, MI)

And you know what? I've had the capacity for YEARS to be able to go on that roadtrip. I've been more financially stable than I am now, wanted to go on a roadtrip, and didn't. Why is that? Well, I really think it's because I felt too alone. Not safe. I couldn't leave without an anchor. After I spent that week in Wisconsin with my friend and her friend, I felt like I could be comfortable with my own alone-ness (read: NOT lonliness) and spend that time in Michigan by myself. I'd charged up my social battery, so to speak, so I had the energy to be alone. My friend helped me to prepare for my trip since she was a frequent traveler in the past, and I appreciated her respect and understanding for my need to be alone with myself.

   Holland Beach (Holland, MI)

So what do you think, dear reader--do you agree? Do we find ourselves more easily when we are able to connect with others? 


I think part of learning who we are means learning how to separate what we are from what we aren't. I think it means letting other people into our lives and learning how to be comfortable enough to move away from them, too. It's hard re-learning to trust others and yourself--if you've been in isolation for a long time, much like starvation or nutritional deficiencies, you might latch on to people (or even REFUSE to latch on to people) for fear of them leaving. How do you stifle yourself in your own relationships by fearing the inevitable release from  togetherness? And how will you cope with that?


Learning to be together means learning to be alone sometimes. They're two parts of the same whole. I really don't think we can properly be "alone" without knowing how to be "together."

A sign from a park in Holland. Think about it...

And PS...let's get started on the art train.


I bought a little sketchbook in Holland Michigan from the Hope College Bookstore:

Yes! I am wearing leopard print pajama pants ;).

And here are two sketches I did while in Michigan (Holland Park, sitting up by the green lighthouse, and the Saugatuck Dunes). The writing is just lyrics that were stuck in my head at the time, for the record.

I had the energy to pour myself into sketches and traveling and walking all around these forests and parks that I visited. 


I really don't think I would have been able to assert my independence without that boost from my friend, without those days in Wisconsin. Even when I was in MI, I still kept in touch with my friends via texting them and instant messaging from the hotel. It was a nice safety net for me to be able to still communicate despite being ~4 hours away from home.


So what can you do to foster your relationships with others and make your alone time more enjoyable? 

• Accept invitations from friends and follow through with actually going
• Ask your friends or acquaintances to go out with you for tea, brunch, coffee (you can make them short outings if you're not feeling too social yet) or something non-food related, like bookstore, park, on a walk
• Don't get too caught up in being around other people all the time. Allow yourself time to relax, too.
• Know that being lonely is a good thing, in a way. It indicates that you need connections with other people, as a human being.
• Contact others when possible if you are feeling lonely. Chances are they care enough about you to NOT want you to be lonely.
• Remember that you do not HAVE to be isolated, and it's okay to care about others. It's definitely not weird to miss people or care about them.
• If others reject your feelings about them (such as having someone say why? when you say "I miss you") realize they may have problems with getting close to others, or may have a hard time talking about emotions. That's not your fault.
• Remember that your feelings are valid, however painful they may be to hold.
• And lastly, go out on a limb, try something new, go someplace new, talk to someone new! Do something crazy and you might just end up loving yourself for it ;) But be safe, okay? 

Sometimes a new physical environment or a new decision can be the spark-fire for a whole cascade of new thoughts, emotions, and ways of looking at the beautiful world around beautiful you.

Don't forget to have fun on your own, too!

Cheers to being alone without being lonely,


Ashley

Friday Photos

Today the weather is so grim and we are still in a national state of emergency and so i decided to share so bright colours to show the beauty of the world around us. there is so much more to life than eating disorders, so get out there and admire. seriously sometimes the beauty i see around me is almost too much, and then i remember to relax and take in what i can, and photograph it to make sure i never forget it. nature is true beauty

Kapiti Island, Paraparaumu

Island Bay, Wellington

Monkey Bay, Marlborough Sounds

Mt Taranaki

Paritutu Beach, New Plymouth

Monkey Bay, Marlborough Sounds

xoxo serra