"The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

This week has been an interesting one for me (and as I'm writing this it's 11:20am on Tuesday morning). I received a packet in the mail yesterday. A packet that, for the most part, solidified the end of my slightly over three year long stint in the military (you can read more about my experience with the military and eating disorders by clicking here). It was my VA compensation packet. Though I got out during the last week of August in 2010, they have just now made a decision. One that truly validated how I felt I was treated while I was in.

I know, when I was discharged the people in Texas deemed that the military had severely aggravated my eating disorder, but having a second group of people say the same thing? It made it feel less of a fluke or chance and more real... or legitimate.

Anyways, I wound up getting a higher rating than the charts online say they give to EDNOS, but that wasn't what it was about this piece of mail that got to me. It was both the descriptors of my demeanor "absent of emotion" with a "depressed mood" however having "good insight and judgment" that I found intriguing.

If you had asked me as a child what I would be at 23 years old I would have told you that I would be old (among other things), but I don't think I would have said any of those above things. I think I would have said that I would be doing something I love. I may have had an interesting childhood, but I still believed in the power of me. It hadn't been stripped completely away.

(I was pretty BA in my shin guards, right?? Then again... I did play on a boys soccer team)

 When I was a child I thought I could conquer the world. I wanted to be a plastic surgeon, a ballet dancer, a singer, a mad scientist, a fashion designer, a professional athlete... even Amish... Occasionally I would want to be a combination of those things. You know what? I genuinely thought I could be those things. 

Somewhere along the line we forget that we are capable. Through the years people start to whittle away at this firm belief we have in and of ourselves. "You can't do that's" "You did that wrong" "Why can't you ever do things right" start to erode that solid foundation. For some it happens quicker than others... damaging varying as well, but sadly enough I think it happens to a degree to everyone.

As a child we believe that we deserve and should do things we love for a living. We let our imaginations create a future life of possibilities rather than of closed off streets. As we get older we start to let ourselves limit ourselves and let others dictate what our capabilities and rights should be. I hate to break it to you though, but this more highly educated, more life experienced older version of you isn't the correct one... I firmly believe that that child was right.

I'm currently living life differently than I ever have. I'm flowing with the river of life and while it may scare my parents, I am loving this way of doing things. Going with what feels rights in my heart. Trying not to over think things - trying to bring some of the wisdom of my younger me into today's world. Trying to get back the person that I thought I'd be by this point in my life -- my own person. I may not be there yet and it may take awhile, but I think I'm slowly starting to become that person.

ps. psssst! I HIGHLY recommend you check out this post over at Nourishing the Soul. It made me feel quite emotional (maybe even vulnerable and teary eyed) as it struck several chords and stirred up memories, but it also left me hopeful.

I'm okay. I'm fine. I feel fat.

 (photo credit to nobody-but-me)

Okay, so I had absolutely NO idea what to write about today (for tomorrow)... and I decided I would go for a run. It started sprinkling half-way through my first iPod song... I kept running, when I got about to the halfway point it started pouring,  right when Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" started making its way to my ears my shoulder popped (I've had two shoulder surgeries and so running is a touch and go sport), and by the end of that song it had popped again resulting in walking. It was at this point when it was still pouring that a police officer driving by asked me if I needed a ride and I told him that magical phrase, "I'm okay"

Let's think about this. It's pouring rain, it's thundering, I'm about a fifteen minute walk from my home and my shoulder keeps popping every time I try to run. Yet, I'm proclaiming that I am okay to a police officer who offered me a ride.

This phrase also commonly shows up at the end of my therapy sessions (actually, if I'm being honest, I'd say nearly every session) - "I'm always okay. seriously."

So what did I really mean when I said that to the police officer? I was telling him that I didn't actually have a problem (aka I'm not weak), that I didn't need help (aka I can help myself), and that I did not want to impose on him or put him out.

In saying the phrase a lie is forming - not only between yourself and who you say it to... but also to yourself. You're burying the problem at hand.. ignoring it... hoping it will solve itself - refusing to deal with the issue.  (I also think the phrase can mean that we wish for help to seek us - that we want to know who really cares based on who will challenge that statement)

This burial will present problems later on (me having to walk 15 minutes in the pouring rain) as it will undoubtedly come to a head... Worse yet? These constant lies impact relationships. If you're "always okay" then people assume that you can get through things even when you do muster the courage to approach them with a problem.... this can be devastating... here you need people and are willing to admit it and are being dismissed...

or they know you're not okay and don't know what to do since you won't discuss it. Do you see how this could be frustrating? You're doing X,Y, and Z and yet you're saying everything is okay... repeatedly.

=====

I feel like I can't complete this topic without addressing "I feel fat" --- "I feel fat" is really suppressed emotions and feelings in the same way that "I'm okay/fine" is suppressed problems. You're not "feeling fat" - you're feeling things that fat represents to you. You're feeling those uncomfortable things. Whether it be frustrated, sad, angry, disjointed, confused, forlorn, exhausted, whatever... you're feeling. and that can feel, unsettling. Especially if you don't have words for those feelings - just that you are... and at that moment fat seems like a tangible stand in.

Next time you say that you're okay, you're fine, or that you feel fat -- take a moment to try to think what you really mean by that -- try to realize what all is going on inside of you and identify those emotions/feelings/etc - I think it can also probably help on the "be here now" front as you're trying to figure out what is happening within you in that moment


Try to get to know yourself, try to get to know those feelings, they are yours' after all.



===========



which brings me to something I'm going to start doing on here... to get to know myself a bit better. I know that might sound odd, but I think self discovery can be a grand thing. Arielle actually inspired this via Facebook --- also, I think this could be a good opportunity for anyone that reads to get to know me so I can break away from this mysterious Wednesday poster persona...


Warning: this may bore you, so I'll always put it at the end of my posts ;)


DAY 01: A PICTURE OF YOURSELF WITH 10 FACTS

10 Facts about Me:

1) I love pretty food... a lot --- make it pretty and I'll eat at least some of it (see the amazing chocolate easter bunny picture)

2) Really big turtles scare me... or rather creep me out - even pictures of them. When I went to Disney World in college, we went to Epcot's Coral Reef restaurant and sat next to an aquarium wall.. unfortunately there was a massive turtle right next to me the whole time. No bueno...

3) I was born in Upper Heyford, England (aka Oxfordshire) and have since lived in Mississippi, Washington state, Kansas, Missouri, Indiana, Arkansas, Texas (2 locations back to back), Illinois, and am now back in Missouri.

4) In the fall, I try to eat something pumpkin every single day.

5) I want to work in a group home some day

6) I have a weird habit of dropping coins on the ground -- I remember how much it would excite me as a kid to find money

7) I only listen to CDs, talk radio, or country radio in my car.... why? I like consistency and I can guarantee the ability to listen to any of those three in any state.

8) I know how to make balloon animals

9)  I keep peppermints in my car for when I see homeless people... I try to give them $1 and a peppermint candy --- when I worked in downtown Indianapolis I remember sharing pizza with my father and a homeless man and how the homeless man told me he hated always having bad breath - I also fully believe in having open hands

10) I honestly think I'm in a better place than I have been in a very long time (and no I don't just mean, because I'm in my amazing bed eating a banana)

Connection Is Key!....

Yay, I’m back again and this time I’m filling in for the foreseeable future on Tuesdays. I’m so happy. Being a part of this blog is such an honour.

So today I want to talk about staying connected and why this is key to recovery. Eating disorders are by far one of the most isolating illnesses out there. They keep you trapped inside their dangerous walls, afraid, unreachable, angry & untouchable…

I’ve been there. I didn’t want anyone knowing what was going on in my life, interfering and asking me questions. I also couldn’t face the world because I felt like it was against me. That I didn’t fit in, that others would judge me. But one of the most freeing realisations I had recently was “It’s not all about me”…. I also had to learn & accept that support is out there and I need and deserve it.

Since embarking on my own road to recovery, I have met many, many wonderful people and am now blessed to say I have an amazing support network. This is made up of those I have met online, a few select friends, my care team, my therapist & my family, especially my wonderful Mum who has been my rock. I am truly blessed..

The truth is, you cannot do this alone. You may try, but with your eating disorder as your only ally, you’re fighting a losing battle. Trust me, I tried. But, this doesn’t have to be the way. You & only you can change this.

Once you’ve made that courageous decision to recover however, it can be unbelievably difficult to first seek & then ask for support. Many relationships may have been lost or damaged but the ones that mattered before will always be there. It’s about finding those that you trust, feel comfortable & safe with & simply asking for their support. Trust me, it will be there. And if it’s not, find it…

The road to recovery is indeed a very bumpy one and there will be many, many times when you will need to reach out and ask for help. And there is no shame in doing so either. That’s another thing eating disorders tend to do- Make one feel ashamed or weak for needing help. Everyone in life at times needs help, no matter what age they are. It actually shows true strength to ask for it. Whether that be in person, via text, email whatever! Thanks to technology, there is never a need to be alone.

Keeping connected at all times is crucial. Whether it is because you are having a bad day, you’re struggling with a meal, your mind is racing or you simply just want to talk.

Sometimes it can feel as if your eating disorder is stronger than you and at times it can be. But, with support behind you, those who will help you back up if you fall, cry with you, laugh with you, fight with you, you can do it. You are not the exception. United you are stronger than ever before.

Reach out. Don’t be afraid. Free yourself from isolation.

Below are some links to some of the websites that are the backbone to my support system. I have been given some of the best help & advice throughout my journey & have met some truly amazing people. Without these connections along with others, I don’t think I’d be where I am today. *

At times staying connected can save your life. Hold out your hand, Speak up & be heard.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna x

* Please don’t forget that whilst online support is fantastic & beneficial, it cannot replace actual physical & medical support too. Build up a team….

http://www.webiteback.com

http://www.mentorconnect-ed.org/

http://lifebeyonded.ning.com/

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Home

My Furry Support :o)

Being Together, Being Alone

Hello there! Look's like it's Thursday again! I'm currently on my Spring Break, so the days have been seeming to rush together in my efforts to have fun before school starts again...not that the two (fun and school) are mutually exclusive ;).


((Edited to add: I hope this isn't too loose written and non-cohesive! My boyfriend is coming home from out of state today, so I've been rather distracted.))


In my last entry, I talked about letting yourself be helped, and ways in which we often don't let ourselves be helped by others (sometimes without even realizing it!). The isolation and secrecy of eating disorders or other mental disorders can keep us stuck inside our own little world, expecting little from others and expecting so much from ourselves.


Last week, I decided to step outside of my self-imposed box of isolation. A girl I met in one of my classes at the beginning of the term was celebrating her birthday at an indoor waterpark in Wisconsin (the seminal experience for a 20 something year old!). She invited me to come with, and I agreed to go, bathing suit, eating, and meeting new people (her friends) fears in tow. I was not a happy camper at first, but I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her, and I wanted to get to know her better outside of class. 


It was strange. I spent about two and a half days with my friend, having spent the night at her house before we left for Wisconsin. I haven't had a sleep over in about nine years. Imagine that! I wouldn't have even thought it possible a year ago that I would be able to do that again. But my friend put up with my initial awkwardness and shyness and got through to me. She had me swing dancing around her kitchen with a record player going in the background, laughing too hard to care about how silly I looked. For the first time in years, I was completely immersed in another person's presence. I wasn't separate, watching myself dance around from the outside. I was inside of me.

Check out my awesome rainbow socks. 

To tie this all together, I think we have to be willing to immerse ourselves in other people. We have to be willing to try to honestly communicate what we're thinking about and feeling to the people we care about. I once had a good friend tell me that life is all about the connections, the connections we make with other people. When it comes down to it, I really believe that friend's advice. Think of how many times a really crappy situation, school day or work day can be improved by someone simply smiling at you, someone just chatting with you about what's going on in your life. If it weren't for the people, it would be pointless, I think (not to say that we should neglect our self, but rather that part of being a self is being that self in the world, with other people). 

(Aw. Me on the left)

When you think about it, our very context is human. We rely on other humans to teach us how to talk, walk, act....even our thoughts are representations of language in our head. And as we know, the purpose of symbolic tool like language is to communicate. What use are all these thoughts if we only ever ruminate in our head?

After I got back from Wisconsin, I spent a few days happily glowing from the awesome social experiment/experience. Then, I decided I needed some time alone. I actualized my dream of taking a short roadtrip north--I headed up to Michigan (brrr, frozen beaches!) to spend two days on my own, travelling around. 

Saugatuck Dunes (Saugatuck, MI)

And you know what? I've had the capacity for YEARS to be able to go on that roadtrip. I've been more financially stable than I am now, wanted to go on a roadtrip, and didn't. Why is that? Well, I really think it's because I felt too alone. Not safe. I couldn't leave without an anchor. After I spent that week in Wisconsin with my friend and her friend, I felt like I could be comfortable with my own alone-ness (read: NOT lonliness) and spend that time in Michigan by myself. I'd charged up my social battery, so to speak, so I had the energy to be alone. My friend helped me to prepare for my trip since she was a frequent traveler in the past, and I appreciated her respect and understanding for my need to be alone with myself.

   Holland Beach (Holland, MI)

So what do you think, dear reader--do you agree? Do we find ourselves more easily when we are able to connect with others? 


I think part of learning who we are means learning how to separate what we are from what we aren't. I think it means letting other people into our lives and learning how to be comfortable enough to move away from them, too. It's hard re-learning to trust others and yourself--if you've been in isolation for a long time, much like starvation or nutritional deficiencies, you might latch on to people (or even REFUSE to latch on to people) for fear of them leaving. How do you stifle yourself in your own relationships by fearing the inevitable release from  togetherness? And how will you cope with that?


Learning to be together means learning to be alone sometimes. They're two parts of the same whole. I really don't think we can properly be "alone" without knowing how to be "together."

A sign from a park in Holland. Think about it...

And PS...let's get started on the art train.


I bought a little sketchbook in Holland Michigan from the Hope College Bookstore:

Yes! I am wearing leopard print pajama pants ;).

And here are two sketches I did while in Michigan (Holland Park, sitting up by the green lighthouse, and the Saugatuck Dunes). The writing is just lyrics that were stuck in my head at the time, for the record.

I had the energy to pour myself into sketches and traveling and walking all around these forests and parks that I visited. 


I really don't think I would have been able to assert my independence without that boost from my friend, without those days in Wisconsin. Even when I was in MI, I still kept in touch with my friends via texting them and instant messaging from the hotel. It was a nice safety net for me to be able to still communicate despite being ~4 hours away from home.


So what can you do to foster your relationships with others and make your alone time more enjoyable? 

• Accept invitations from friends and follow through with actually going
• Ask your friends or acquaintances to go out with you for tea, brunch, coffee (you can make them short outings if you're not feeling too social yet) or something non-food related, like bookstore, park, on a walk
• Don't get too caught up in being around other people all the time. Allow yourself time to relax, too.
• Know that being lonely is a good thing, in a way. It indicates that you need connections with other people, as a human being.
• Contact others when possible if you are feeling lonely. Chances are they care enough about you to NOT want you to be lonely.
• Remember that you do not HAVE to be isolated, and it's okay to care about others. It's definitely not weird to miss people or care about them.
• If others reject your feelings about them (such as having someone say why? when you say "I miss you") realize they may have problems with getting close to others, or may have a hard time talking about emotions. That's not your fault.
• Remember that your feelings are valid, however painful they may be to hold.
• And lastly, go out on a limb, try something new, go someplace new, talk to someone new! Do something crazy and you might just end up loving yourself for it ;) But be safe, okay? 

Sometimes a new physical environment or a new decision can be the spark-fire for a whole cascade of new thoughts, emotions, and ways of looking at the beautiful world around beautiful you.

Don't forget to have fun on your own, too!

Cheers to being alone without being lonely,


Ashley