Breaks: Needed and Not

So I said last time that I needed a break. At that instant in time I felt like I needed a break from everything and everyone - especially from therapy. Truly. I wanted to shut myself off from the world (except for work and running) for a little bit in the name of mental health.


Needing a break sounds completely sensible, and in some cases it truly is reasonable and possibly the perfect course of action to deal with a situation. Especially if becoming too involved in the world is allowing you to do everything except take care of yourself. (Kendra from VIR explains this really wonderfully here)

What if it's not though?

What if taking a break is actually the exact opposite of what you need to be doing? What if it's not actually in the name of mental health, but rather in the name (or spirit) of something else?

The reason I felt I needed a break was because I had a rough session with Laura where self injurious behavior was brought up. I won't go into details, because it's not necessary for me to make my point.

My point is that I think sometimes it's important to examine whether or not our perceived needs truly fit into that categorization or if there's more to it than that. If there's something going on that makes us want whatever it is to be a need (rather than just a desire).

If you asked me why I want to take a break or why I feel I need to, I honestly do not believe I could come up with a logical or rational response to the inquiry. I'm pretty much known for my ability to rationalize almost anything in a way that people have problems persuading me otherwise (as they cannot find great fault with my well thought out line of thinking) so that's saying a lot. I could probably, in fact, only tell you that I feel I need time off. That I feel I need to think about things... but isn't that what therapy's for anyways? thinking things through or talking things out? To discuss those feelings?

Now if it were about my therapist... that would be a different case. I think then taking a break to examine whether or not the relationship was the right fit would be a wise decision. It's not about that though. I trust Laura (which is a rare thing for me and I actually think that was part of why the session felt so rough) and I've told her more unspeakable things from my past than I have anyone else. Truly anyone. Some things that I don't think I could have ever told my past therapist (who I had a fairly good relationship with).

Since it's not about my therapist though... maybe I need to re-examine whether or not this need is actually a disordered desire. 

Especially since when I examine what I've done thus far on my break it hasn't exactly been progression of any sort. Something tells me running in the heat and working long hours (I wound up getting called in a lot this weekend) on hardly anything (thank you Paul from Companion Bakery for the extra sugar cookie or it would have been even worse) is not exactly the best way to start a "break" -- if it were for legit reasons. It's as though the break is giving me some sick sort of permission to do whatever I feel like doing.  Which is not what a needed break does or should do.


I feel like I'm stealing missmarymax's tagline, but maybe it's time to #reframe and figure out if I should either cancel my break or actually spend the break in a productive way that's in the true spirit of a needed break... to be honest it's looking like I'm going to be responding to an email I've been ignoring for more than a few days now. In fact, maybe I should before this is even scheduled to post... hmmm.. decisions.

p.s. Well, as of this morning it seems that scientists are tapping into the knowledge of those social psych principles that were outlined on Saturday.. now they're saying one of the reasons diets fail is due to starved brain cells - which goes along with the "urges" I mentioned and not being able to fight them off if you've been restricting.

Parents Getting it Wrong

 PHOTO CREDIT TO DR. KATHLEEN YOUNG

Author's Note: This post may prove controversial... keep in mind this is just my belief and that this is relating to verbal abuse.

So, I was looking at the post over at Nourishing the Soul that I recommended in my last post  and the last comment stuck out to me... or rather the end of it did.

think this is why I subconsciously chose not to have children – I was so scared to get it wrong like my parents did.

 The part in bold is what I want to focus on. This part was in reference to saying things to children that wind up having negative impact later on in life. Not about physical things, rather the verbal.

The bolded part left me feeling odd. I feel when someone "gets it wrong" the right choice or way is clearly evident and that they have had access to the knowledge to know the difference between the two. When you take a test in school, you're being held accountable for things you are supposed to know. You can get it wrong if you didn't pay attention or chose not to listen to what the right answers are. However, you had access to the right answers before the test. You were given the knowledge you would need to know.

I don't think that's the case with verbal abuse and while I do think wrongs are being committed, I'm not sure it's a case of parents getting it wrong

I don't believe any parents wants to factor into their child having an eating disorder, engaging in self-injurious behavior, having suicidal ideations, being depressed, or anything of the like by saying careless things. I think at that moment in time they're doing what they think will work or is acceptable - resulting in them saying things that might have lingering effects.

Consequently, I don't think placing blame on my parents for getting it wrong will take me any further in my life as I'm not sure that even saying that they got it wrong is fair.

So what do I think the problem is?  

I firmly believe that it is education, or lack thereof.

I think wider spread education of the power of words needs to take place. Wider spread education about the power of any size action needs to take place. I think education in general needs to take place.

We often hear about child abuse. When I used to work at a dental clinic we were all told the signs to look for -- bruises in odd places,  stories of falls by parents that don't match up with the injuries, cowering, among other things --- all things that are linked to physical abuse. Verbal abuse (though it can be just as, if not more so, damaging) gets a lot less talk time. I believe that's where a huge part of the problem lies.

Parents may know that beating their child is wrong from having been told that in school when they're young, by the news, by the media, by activism groups, and by campaign ads, but since verbal abuse is generally not covered by those outlets parents may not truly believe that telling their child they're worthless is a form of abuse. They may wind up changing one out for the other... instead of being physically abusive they may rely on verbal abuse to get their message across...  perhaps even offering up the phrase, "quit crying. You think this abuse? You don't know what abuse is. Keep crying and I can show you what abuse is."

If we start to educate people on verbal abuse, what it entails, and its consequences at least part of the problem will be corrected. I think this education is paramount. Not only for parents, but also for people in general. We all have the power of saying something that can contribute to making someone feel like they are less than. We also have the same power not to... we just have to know that we have this power. That our words do as well.

I'm curious as to your thoughts on this topic.. or rather discussion piece...

The non-complimentarian

"I love your dress!"
"This old thing?"

"You did such an amazing job today"
"I didn't do anything special"

"You are so beautiful"
*thinks to self* hahaha


Sound familiar?

A wine buddy of mine - the darling Kim - and I once had a conversation that made me realize conversations do not have to go that way.

"You know why I love working with you Kim? Because you're consistently nice."
"Thanks Kristie! I am nice, aren't I?"
"and I love that you can let people compliment you."
"Why shouldn't I? I am nice."

In our society through various ideologies accepting compliments have turned into taboo making us all non-complimentarians (how very Zora Neale Hurston of me) in the process. There's this bond that's being formed over this self loathing. Those that don't join in are sometimes pegged as being full of themselves or being of a narcissistic nature.

Here's the thing though. There's a difference in being a narcissist and being a friend of yourself. Kim is not a narcissist, she will be the first to tell you when she makes a mistake - the first. She won't try to hide it or push it onto someone else, but accepts it as part of herself.

Earlier this week I did an interview with Harriet Brown for Psychology Today and I referenced Kim. I was left thinking about the anecdote again last night after Generation Mirror's 1st Spring Fundraiser (sidenote: that's why I posted this Friday, but backdated it...) due, in part, to the amazing people I got to meet there (there is such a difference between a group of eating disorder activists than a group of people... even my friend Erica commented) and I think a key component is this sense of self-compassion. This ability to accept yourself when you are doing something great that is intrinsically you (ie if someone compliments on a piece of artwork you made - YOU made that artwork --- it didn't just happen) and accept that you will make mistakes and to be okay with that. We're not superheroes, we're humans. But both of those things the praiseworthy parts and the mistakes are you. Not just the negatives.



So allow yourself to be complimented. Odds are that woman that told you you were beautiful was not trying to tell you a knock-knock joke.

the "a" word -- anger -- {{ self discovery word by word }}

 (image credit: Ashley from NTS)

I know.. I know... I reference Ashley's blog.... Nourishing the Soul... a lot. today is no exception. She started the Self-Discovery Word by Word series where each month a word is chosen to write about... (this month it's hosted by Big Girl Bombshell) I've never participated, telling myself various reasons why not to... however, this month a word popped up that left me feeling unsettled... what was this month's word?

anger.


This word came up this last week during my weekly Laura (which was last Wednesday) and also appeared quite a few times when I was in IOP.

It's a word that scares me. Something about the shape those five letters can take when personified.

When I was a kid, I saw anger. true anger.. and frequently. I'm not saying I never saw love, but I am saying that I saw, heard, and dreamt about what I still believe was an extremely raw form of haunting anger.

Some of those things still scare me and thus I say that anger does.

I was in IOP this time last year (I cannot wait until that phrase will no longer be able to escape my lips... or pass through my fingers via the keys they touch) and Cathy (an amazing art therapist) led us outside with a scale to bash. There were only three of us at this point and outside we went into the back parking lot, laughing along the way at one of the girls' habit of coughing every time she sees a smoker - that walk being no exception as we passed a group taking long drags in the cool summer breeze.


We got out there and the other two started taking the turns with the hammer Cathy brought... I wound up only being able to watch from a distance - standing on the curb near the grass in my dress... the whole situation scaring me and making me feel extremely unsettled. Just watching the others take hammers to these scales I almost started crying, resorting to hugging myself to prevent it... the anger was just so visible. Cathy wouldn't let us go back inside until I had hit the scale with a hammer, but I could barely muster tapping the already broken scale - but I needed us to go back inside the building. Inside where people were more composed. Where things felt more in control. Cathy didn't press the issue further after my love tap to the scale so inside we went again, thankfully

It wasn't the way they were acting outside that had scared me, it was the realization that no one that spirals out of control in rage, starts their rage out of control. It's a seamless transition... one I've witnessed too many times. Recently I felt incredibly hurt by some things... intense emotions... I became so fearful I would act out in anger or mixed emotions and hurt people (emotionally) that I apologized and then isolated myself from them... The whole thing terrifying and upsetting me in multiple ways... fearful that I was dangerously close to trespassing into the land of rage.

Through the years I've held in emotions, even in places I feel secure such as Laura's office, but no emotion have I held in to the degree that I have anger - to the point of mellowing it out so that I honestly don't know if I am experiencing it or anything... only a brief thought that maybe I should be angry.

I've cried and shown up in her office in a daze... but I've never let myself be angry. Truly angry. I've always said there was no point in it. The closest I've come is being pissed off (which as those that know me in real life... takes a lot -- or for me to feel extremely hurt/injured by people on an emotional level as I mentioned earlier)... I'm terrified of hurting others with that anger... I hate hurting people in general, which is another reason why I can and often do abruptly withdraw or shut off after experiencing high intense emotions.

I've held the fear (odd side fact: they say that fear and anger are inversely related) of getting too angry dear for quite some time. Curled up with it. I think the wall I've built with it is finally starting to crumble though.

Reading several case studies has taught me that this is quite a common reality for those with eating disorders, this "thwarted anger" -- with cutting, purging, starving, and other behaviors being ways of getting rid of that anger.

I think becoming more secure with yourself grants you some greater ability to validate your own emotions. To be able to sit with them, because they are yours... and feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are (or so someone I know once told me) - telling yourself that you're not angry, that you're not sad, that you're not anything is invalidating yourself... and you're worth more than that.


what do you do to sit with your emotions in a healthy way? or what can you choose to do?

 day 3: Favorite television show? My So-Called Life... closely followed by Little House on the Prairie (yes, Melissa Gilbert dressed in Calico running down a field Little House on the Prairie). Oh recent you say? Well, I don't have cable.. and have yet to really turn on my television (except for the second or third day in my apartment to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's) so all the tv shows I watch, I watch via Netflix... and I'm going to say In Treatment or Project Runway when it's in season...

Breaking The Cycle- Choosing Life

I wrote up todays blog post last night and was going through it this morning when I realised I actually had something else I wanted to talk about and the title say’s it all. The reason for changing my post came when I’d eaten breakfast and was still hungry but felt unable to have anything more.

I have spent many years hiding away and denying myself life. Not only by depriving myself the food to fuel my life but by being so hard on myself that I’ve been simply unable to enjoy life.

So my question is- when is enough enough? What does it take to finally break free from the vicious cycle your eating disorder entraps you in and start embracing life?

Is it when you are still hungry after breakfast? Is it when you look at your beautiful Mother and see just how tired and worried she is? Is it when you hear the devastating news that someone you knew lost their battle to their eating disorder? Is it when you have a cardiologist appointment because your latest ECG results showed abnormalities?

Whatever it is for you, when it comes grab it and hold onto it.

Next comes the difficult task of actually doing it though. It’s all very well to talk the talk but you need to be walking the walk too. I am guilty of not. I have said many time’s ‘I will do this then’ ‘when x happens, I’ll do y’ but sometimes the fear of change grips you so tightly that you can often feel stuck. Stuck and just going round and round in circles. But after a while you will get dizzy and you will get sick.

The fact is you can keep doing what you’re doing. You can choose not to challenge yourself and ‘play it safe’… But I ask you, why would you do that if what you’ve been doing has been making you miserable, ill and exhausted?

Start small if you need. Every step counts. If you have always stuck to the same food for breakfast, challenge yourself and have something new. Or if you’ve been too afraid to start seeing a therapist, make the phone call you need to start the process.

The more times you challenge your fears, the more steps you take, the easier it will get. And it also feels good! Last week I took myself off to a café and ate lunch alone. Was it scary? Yes… Did I manage it? Yes! How did it feel? Amazing! Will I do it again? You bet! And the food was yummy too :o)

There has to come a point when you step up to your eating disorder, stare it straight in ‘the eye’ and yell at the top of your lungs “I CHOOSE LIFE!” It is your life, it is your future, and it’s time to take it back. As I said in one of my first posts ‘There is so much more to life than this”…..

Recovery isn’t easy. It isn’t comfortable. It is painful. It can be a lengthy process, but it is worth it. This I promise you.

So, step up today, challenge yourself and fight back. Break the cycle- Choose Life!

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got" ~Henry Ford

With Much Love, Smile & Support,

Hanna xx