Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts

Sunday, June 19, 2011

fear.


When people will read this, it will be father's day... I'm a daddy's girl. There's no question about that. I rarely can bring myself to say anything negative about my father and when I do, I usually follow it up with an emotional meltdown to some degree. Sometimes even thinking ill of my father will turn me to shambles. Whether or not I let people know it tears me up inside is another story.

My father and I held a lot of secrets. Secrets that bonded us together... that cause me to maintain my allegiance (at least partially) to this day.

I had my Laura yesterday (I'm writing this on Saturday) and I read a couple of text messages in that session whose contents and the reintroduction of them (by me reading them again - and out loud) caused me to feel dejected by the time I had made it out to my car - it got worse as the night went - probably since after going home and changing I immediately headed to work. As a consequence of never being able to just unwind (and other things), this morning was not a good one... Resulting in me doing something that could have turned out really horridly.

What set this off? 

Fear.

In particular feelings that I've left unacknowledged... because they seem foreign and scary, that according to the show My Name is Earl, could use a hug.. or maybe just acceptance or validation

You're probably wondering what this has to do with my father - the past few paragraphs seeming quite dis-contiguous. Well, the text message contents reminded me of a few of the secrets I share with my father. There are all these realities based on these two topics, realities that have resulted in fears. Fears which sometimes become consuming and lead to maladaptive coping skills (whoa - IOP flashback). 

So what's the solution here? Something that I'm afraid of...  addressing those aforementioned feelings that are behind the fear. I can say with certainty that the solution is certainly not not scheduling an appointment for this coming week... which I must rather sheepishly admit was my gut reaction.. rather facing the fear.  Even if that means getting uncomfortable...

While I don't know if I can figure out that appointment situation, I do know that I am going to try to get the day off from work for my next session so that I have time to walk or do something centering afterward instead of rushing off to the next task at hand. I'm also truly going to try to be more open to talking about things. Try. Not just this, but also something else that scares me... a three letter acronym for a treatment method that starts with a D - I'm sure a lot of you can guess it. Why? Because it's important for me to acknowledge that uncomfortableness is a temporary feeling and that by chance the results will be worth it. Accomplishments usually don't happen by always staying within your comfort zones, right? Here's to hugging feelings... and maybe ourselves.



p.s. what are your goals for this new week?


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

the "a" word -- anger -- {{ self discovery word by word }}

 (image credit: Ashley from NTS)

I know.. I know... I reference Ashley's blog.... Nourishing the Soul... a lot. today is no exception. She started the Self-Discovery Word by Word series where each month a word is chosen to write about... (this month it's hosted by Big Girl Bombshell) I've never participated, telling myself various reasons why not to... however, this month a word popped up that left me feeling unsettled... what was this month's word?

anger.


This word came up this last week during my weekly Laura (which was last Wednesday) and also appeared quite a few times when I was in IOP.

It's a word that scares me. Something about the shape those five letters can take when personified.

When I was a kid, I saw anger. true anger.. and frequently. I'm not saying I never saw love, but I am saying that I saw, heard, and dreamt about what I still believe was an extremely raw form of haunting anger.

Some of those things still scare me and thus I say that anger does.

I was in IOP this time last year (I cannot wait until that phrase will no longer be able to escape my lips... or pass through my fingers via the keys they touch) and Cathy (an amazing art therapist) led us outside with a scale to bash. There were only three of us at this point and outside we went into the back parking lot, laughing along the way at one of the girls' habit of coughing every time she sees a smoker - that walk being no exception as we passed a group taking long drags in the cool summer breeze.


We got out there and the other two started taking the turns with the hammer Cathy brought... I wound up only being able to watch from a distance - standing on the curb near the grass in my dress... the whole situation scaring me and making me feel extremely unsettled. Just watching the others take hammers to these scales I almost started crying, resorting to hugging myself to prevent it... the anger was just so visible. Cathy wouldn't let us go back inside until I had hit the scale with a hammer, but I could barely muster tapping the already broken scale - but I needed us to go back inside the building. Inside where people were more composed. Where things felt more in control. Cathy didn't press the issue further after my love tap to the scale so inside we went again, thankfully

It wasn't the way they were acting outside that had scared me, it was the realization that no one that spirals out of control in rage, starts their rage out of control. It's a seamless transition... one I've witnessed too many times. Recently I felt incredibly hurt by some things... intense emotions... I became so fearful I would act out in anger or mixed emotions and hurt people (emotionally) that I apologized and then isolated myself from them... The whole thing terrifying and upsetting me in multiple ways... fearful that I was dangerously close to trespassing into the land of rage.

Through the years I've held in emotions, even in places I feel secure such as Laura's office, but no emotion have I held in to the degree that I have anger - to the point of mellowing it out so that I honestly don't know if I am experiencing it or anything... only a brief thought that maybe I should be angry.

I've cried and shown up in her office in a daze... but I've never let myself be angry. Truly angry. I've always said there was no point in it. The closest I've come is being pissed off (which as those that know me in real life... takes a lot -- or for me to feel extremely hurt/injured by people on an emotional level as I mentioned earlier)... I'm terrified of hurting others with that anger... I hate hurting people in general, which is another reason why I can and often do abruptly withdraw or shut off after experiencing high intense emotions.

I've held the fear (odd side fact: they say that fear and anger are inversely related) of getting too angry dear for quite some time. Curled up with it. I think the wall I've built with it is finally starting to crumble though.

Reading several case studies has taught me that this is quite a common reality for those with eating disorders, this "thwarted anger" -- with cutting, purging, starving, and other behaviors being ways of getting rid of that anger.

I think becoming more secure with yourself grants you some greater ability to validate your own emotions. To be able to sit with them, because they are yours... and feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are (or so someone I know once told me) - telling yourself that you're not angry, that you're not sad, that you're not anything is invalidating yourself... and you're worth more than that.


what do you do to sit with your emotions in a healthy way? or what can you choose to do?





 day 3: Favorite television show? My So-Called Life... closely followed by Little House on the Prairie (yes, Melissa Gilbert dressed in Calico running down a field Little House on the Prairie). Oh recent you say? Well, I don't have cable.. and have yet to really turn on my television (except for the second or third day in my apartment to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's) so all the tv shows I watch, I watch via Netflix... and I'm going to say In Treatment or Project Runway when it's in season...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Flightless Bird, American Mouth..

Hello m'lovelies! It's Monday again, although I was missing in action last week, my apologies for that. Sometimes recovery, or the road to recovery, is such a bumpy process that you just need to take a step back, you know? I've seen alot of people recently who are struggling with the effects of semi-starvation. It's important to realise the differences between the eating disorder (as it is) and the effects both physically and mentally restriction is having on your body. This is something that I honestly still struggle to cope with believing, but it has served as a great reminder at times when it as really been needed. I first heard about this when a CPN gave me a full copy of this experiment, then I learned it on a recovery course. Knowing these facts have helped, even if it has been just abit, it has helped change my views on certain things. So, here is an in depth explaination of the Minnesota Experiment. I have taken this from medusa as wikipedia is a tad unreliable and from my knowledge, this is the most accurate description of the events. I'd like to give a pre-warning, this post does contain the calorie intake the men were put on, both in starvation mode and re-feeding. Please, if you are sensitive with numbers, take this warning, but it is an incredibly helpful experiment to read.

Probably the most systematic study of the effects of starvation was conducted over 30years ago by Ancel Keys and his colleagues at the University of Minnesota (Keys, Brozek, Henschel, Mickelsen & Taylor, 1950). The experiment, commonly referred to as the Minnesota Starvation Experiment/Study, involved restricting the caloric intake of 36 young, healthy, psychologically normal men who had volunteered for the study as an alternative to military service.

During the first three months of the experiment, the men ate normally, while their behavior, personality, and eating patterns were studied in detail. During the subsequent six months, the men were restricted to approximately half of their former food intake and lost, on average, 25% of their original body weight. This was followed by three months of rehabilitation, during which time the men were gradually re-fed.

Although their individual responses varied considerably, the men experienced dramatic physical, psychological, and social changes as a result of the starvation. In most cases, these changes persisted during the rehabilitation or re-nourishment phase.

An inevitable result of starvation was a dramatic increase in preoccupation with food. The men found concentration on their usual activities increasingly difficult, since they were plagued by persistent thoughts of food and eating. In fact, food became a principal topic of conversation, reading, and daydreams. Many of the men began reading cookbooks and collecting recipes. Starvation subjects became overwelmingly preocupied with food, some collected dozens of cookbooks, some developed a sudden interest in collecting coffee-pots, hot plates, and other kitchen utensils. This hoarding even extended to non-food-related items. Some of the men collected old books, unnecessary second-hand clothes, knick knacks, and other "junk." Often after making such purchases, which could be afforded only with sacrifice, the men would be puzzled as to why they had bought such, more or less, useless articles. (Keys et al., 1950, p. 837)

One man even began rummaging through garbage cans with the hope of finding something that he might need. This general tendency to hoard has been observed in starved anorexic patients (Crisp, Hsu, & Harding, 1980) and even in rats deprived of food (Fantino & Cabanac, 1980).

Despite little interest in culinary matters prior to the experiment, almost 40% of the men mentioned cooking as part of their post-experiment plans. For some, the fascination was so great that they actually changed occupations after the experiment: three became chefs, and one went into agriculture.

During starvation, the volunteers' eating habits underwent remarkable changes. The men spent much of the day planning how they would eat their allotment of food. Much of their behavior served the purpose of prolonging the ingestion and hedonic appeal or saliency of food. The men often ate in silence and devoted total attention to consumption.

The Minnesota subjects were often caught between conflicting desires to gulp their food down ravenously and consume it slowly so that the taste and odour of each morsel would be fully appreciated. Toward the end of starvation, some of the men would dawdle for almost two hours over a meal which previously they would have consumed in a matter of minutes. (Keys et al.,1950, p. 833)

The men demanded that their food be served hot, and they made unusual concoctions by mixing foods together. There was a tremendous increase in the use of salt and spices. The consumption of coffee and tea increased so dramatically that the men had to be limited to 9 cups per day; similarly, gum chewing became excessive and had to be limited after it was discovered that one man was chewing as many as 40 packages a day.

During the 12-week rehabilitation phase, most of these attitudes and behaviors persisted. For a small number of men, these became even more marked during the first six weeks of refeeding.

In many cases the men were not content to eat "normal" menus but persevered in their habits of making fantastic concoctions and combinations. The free choice of ingredients, moreover, stimulated "creative" and "experimental" playing with food, licking of plates, and neglect of table manners persisted. (Keys et al., 1950, p. 843)

Bulimia


During the starvation regimen, all of the volunteers reported increased hunger; some appeared able to tolerate the experience fairly well, but for others it created intense concern, or even became intolerable. Several men failed to adhere to their diets and reported episodes of bulimia followed by self-reproach. While working in a grocery store, one subject suffered a complete loss of willpower and ate several cookies, a sack of popcorn, and two overripe bananas before he could "regain control" of himself. He immediately suffered a severe emotional upset, with nausea, and upon returning to the laboratory he vomited. He was self-deprecatory, expressing disgust and self-criticism. (Keys et al., 1950,p. 887)

During the eighth week of starvation, another subject "flagrantly broke the dietary rules, eating several sundaes and malted milks; he even stole some penny candies. He promptly confessed the whole episode, [and] became self-deprecatory" (Keys et al.,1950, p. 884).

When presented with greater amounts of food during rehabilitation, many of the men lost control of their appetites and "ate more or less continuously" (Keys et al., 1950, p. 843). Even after 12 weeks of rehabilitation, the men frequently complained that they experienced an increase in hunger immediately following a large meal.

[One of the volunteers] ate immense meals (a daily estimate of 5,000 to 6,000 calories) and yet started snacking" an hour after he finished a meal. [Another] ate as much as he could hold during the three regular meals and ate snacks in the morning, afternoon and evening. (Keys et al., 1950, p. 846)

This gluttony resulted in a high incidence of headaches, gastrointestinal distress and unusual sleepiness. Several men had spells of nausea and vomiting. One man required aspiration and hospitalization for several days. (Keys et at., 1950, p. 843)

There were weekend "splurges" in which intake commonly ranged between 8,000 and 10,000 calories. The men frequently found it difficult to stop eating.

"Subject No. 20 stuffs himself until he is bursting at the seams, to the point of being nearly sick and still feels hungry; No. 120 reported that he had to discipline himself to keep from eating so much as to become ill; No. 1 ate until he was uncomfortably full; and subject no. 30 had so little control over the mechanics of "piling it in" that he simply had to stay away from food because he could not find a point of satiation even when he was "full to the gills." . . . Subject no. 26 would just as soon have eaten six meals instead of three." (Keys et al., 1950, p. 847)

After about five months of rehabilitation, the majority of the men reported some normalization of their eating patterns; however, for some the extreme overconsumption persisted: "No. 108 would eat and eat until he could hardly swallow any more, and then he felt like eating half an hour later" (Keys et al., 1950, p. 847).

More than 8 months after renourishment, a few men were still eating abnormal amounts, and one man still reported consuming "about 25 per cent more than his pre-starvation amount; once he started to reduce but got so hungry he could not stand it" (Keys et al., 1950, p. 847).

Factors that distinguished men who rapidly normalized their eating from those who continued to eat prodigious amounts were not identified. However, the important point here is that there were tremendous differences among volunteers in their responses to the starvation experience, and that a subset of these men developed bulimia, which persisted many months after they were permitted free access to food.

Emotional Changes


The strict procedures used to select subjects for the experiment led the experimenters to conclude that the "psychobiological 'stamina' of the subjects was unquestionably superior to that likely to be found in any random or more generally representative sample of the population" (Keys et al., 1950, p. 916). Although the subjects were psychologically healthy prior to the experiment, most experienced significant emotional changes as a result of semi-starvation. Some reported transitory and others protracted periods of depression, with an overall lowering of the threshold for depression. Occasionally elation was observed, but this was inevitably followed by "low periods." Although the men had quite tolerant dispositions prior to starvation, tolerance was replaced by irritability and frequent outbursts of anger. For most subjects, anxiety became more evident.

As the experiment progressed, many of the formerly even-tempered men began biting their nails or smoking because they felt nervous. Apathy became common, and some men who had been quite fastidious neglected various aspects of personal hygiene. Most of the subjects experienced periods during which their emotional distress was quite severe, and all exhibited the symptoms of "semi-starvation neurosis" described above.

Almost 20% of the group experienced extreme emotional deterioration that markedly interfered with their functioning. Standardized personality testing with the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) revealed that semi-starvation resulted in significant increases in depression, hysteria, and hypochondriasis for the group. This profile has been referred to as the "neurotic triad" and is observed among different groups of neurotically disturbed individuals (Greene, 1980). These emotional aberrations did not vanish immediately during rehabilitation, but persisted for several weeks, with some men actually becoming more depressed, irritable, argumentative, and negativistic than they had been during semi-starvation.

During semi-starvation two subjects developed disturbances of "psychotic" proportions. One of these was unable to adhere to the diet and developed alarming symptoms:

"[He exhibited] a compulsive attraction to [garbage] and a strong, almost compelling, desire to root in garbage cans [for food to eat]. He repeatedly went through the cycle of eating tremendous quantities of food, becoming sick, and then starting all over again [and) became emotionally disturbed enough to seek admission voluntarily to the psychiatric ward of the University Hospitals." (Keys et al., 1950, p. 890)

After nine weeks of starvation, another subject exhibited signs of disturbance:

"[He went on a] spree of shoplifting, stealing trinkets that had little or no intrinsic value. He developed a violent emotional outburst with flight of ideas, weeping, talk of suicide and threats of violence. Because of the alarming nature of his symptoms, he was released from the experiment and admitted to the psychiatric ward of the University Hospitals." (Keys et al., 1950, p. 885)

Another man chopped off three fingers of one hand in response to stress.

For a few volunteers, mood swings were extreme:

"[One subject] experienced a number of periods in which his spirits were definitely high. These elated periods alternated with times in which he suffered "a deep dark depression." [He] felt that he had reached the end of his rope [and] expressed the fear that he was going crazy [and] losing his inhibitions." (Keys et al., 1950, p. 903)

Personality testing (with the MMPI) of a small minority of subjects confirmed the clinical impression of incredible deterioration as a result of semi-starvation. "...one man's personality profile [was] initially...well within normal limits, but after 10 weeks of semi-starvation and a weight loss of only about 4.5 kg (10 lb, or approximately 7% of his original body weight), gross personality disturbances were evident." On the second testing, all of the MMPI scales were elevated, with severe personality disturbance on the scales for neurosis as well as those for psychosis. Depression and general disorganization were particularly striking consequences of starvation for several of the men who became the most emotionally disturbed.

It may be concluded from clinical observation as well as standardized personality testing that the individual emotional response to semi-starvation conditions varies considerably. Some of the volunteers in Keys et al.'s experiment seemed to cope relatively well, and others displayed extraordinary disturbance following weight loss. The type of disturbance was quite similar to that described in obese individuals exposed to "therapeutic" semi-starvation (Glucksmaii & Hirsch, 1969; Rowland, 1970).

In the Minnesota experiment, pre-starvation personality adjustment did not predict the emotional response to caloric restriction. Some of the men who appeared to be the most stable reacted with severe disturbance. The fact that people respond so differently and unpredictably to weight loss is clearly relevant to an assessment of those who have dieted below their optimal weight.

Since the emotional difficulties in the Minnesota volunteers did not immediately reverse themselves during rehabilitation, it may be assumed that the abnormalities were related more to body weight than to short-term caloric intake. It may be concluded that many of the psychological disturbances found in anorexia nervosa and bulimia may be the result of the semistarvation process.

Social and Sexual Changes


The extraordinary impact of semi-starvation is reflected in the social changes experienced by most of the volunteers. Although originally quite gregarious, the men became progressively more withdrawn and isolated. Humour and the sense of comradeship diminished markedly amidst growing feelings of social inadequacy:

Social initiative especially, and sociability in general, underwent a remarkable change. The men became reluctant to plan activities, to make decisions, and to participate in group activities. They spent more and more time alone. It became "too much trouble" or "too tiring" to have contact with other people. (Keys et al., 1950, pp. 836-837)

The volunteers' social contacts with women also declined sharply during semi-starvation. Those who continued to see women socially found that the relationships became strained. These changes are illustrated in the description from one man's diary:

"I am one of about three or four who still go out with girls. I fell in love with a girl during the control period but I see her only occasionally now. It's almost too much trouble to see her even when she visits me in the lab. It requires effort to hold her hand. Entertainment must be tame. If we see a show, the most interesting part of it is contained in scenes where people are eating." (Keys et al., 1950, p. 853)

Sexual interests were likewise drastically reduced. Masturbation, sexual fantasies, and sexual impulses either ceased or became much less common. One subject graphically stated that he had "no more sexual feeling than a sick oyster." (Even this peculiar metaphor made reference to food.) The investigators observed that "many of the men welcomed the freedom from sexual tensions and frustrations normally present in young adult men" (Keys et al., 1950, p. 840).

The fact that starvation perceptibly altered sexual urges and associated conflicts is of particular interest, since it has been hypothesized that this process is the driving force behind the dieting of many anorexia nervosa patients. According to Crisp (1980), anorexia nervosa is an adaptive disorder in the sense that it curtails sexual concerns for which the adolescent feels unprepared.

During rehabilitation, sexual interest was slow to return. Even after three months, the men judged themselves to be far from normal in this area. However, after eight months of re-nourishment, virtually all of the men had recovered their interest in sex.

Cognitive Changes


The volunteers reported impaired concentration, alertness, comprehension, and judgment during semi-starvation; however, formal intellectual testing revealed no signs of diminished intellectual abilities.

Physical Changes


As the six months of semi-starvation progressed, the volunteers exhibited many physical changes, including the following: gastrointestinal discomfort, decreased need for sleep, dizziness, headaches, hypersensitivity to noise and light, reduced strength, poor motor control, edema (an excess of fluid causing swelling), hair loss, decreased tolerance for cold temperatures (cold hands and feet), visual disturbances (i.e. inability to focus, eye aches, "spots" in the visual fields), auditory disturbances (i.e. ringing noise in the ears), and paresthesia (i.e. abnormal tingling or prickling sensations, especially in the hands or feet).

Various changes reflected an overall slowing of the body's physiological processes. There were decreases in body temperature, heart rate, and respiration, as well as in basal metabolic rate (BMR). BMR is the amount of energy (calories) that the body requires at rest (i.e. no physical activity) in order to carry out normal physiological processes. It accounts for about two-thirds of the body's total energy needs, with the remainder being used during physical activity. At the end of semi-starvation, the men's BMRs had dropped by about 40% from normal. This drop, as well as other physical changes, reflects the body's extraordinary ability to adapt to low caloric intake by reducing its need for energy. One volunteer described that it was as if his "body flame [were] burning as low as possible to conserve precious fuel and still maintain life process" (Keys et al., 1950, p. 852).

During rehabilitation, metabolism again speeded up, with those consuming the greatest number of calories experiencing the largest rise in BMR. The group of volunteers who received a relatively small increment in calories during rehabilitation (400 calories more than during semi-starvation) had no rise in BMR for the first three weeks. Consuming larger amounts of food caused a sharp increase in the energy burned through metabolic processes.

The changes in body fat and muscle in relation to overall body weight during semi-starvation and rehabilitation are of considerable interest. While weight declined about 25%, the percentage of body fat fell almost 70%, and muscle decreased about 40%. Upon re-feeding, a greater proportion of the "new weight" was fat; in the eighth month of rehabilitation, the volunteers were at about 100% of their original body weight, but had approximately 140% of their original body fat! How did the men feel about their weight gain during rehabilitation?

Those subjects who gained the most weight became concerned about their increased sluggishness, general flabbiness, and the tendency of fat to accumulate in the abdomen and buttocks. (Keys et al., 1950, p. 828)

These complaints are similar to those of many bulimic and anorexic patients as they gain weight. Besides their typical fear of weight gain, they often report "feeling fat" and are worried about acquiring distended stomachs. However, the body weight and relative body fat of the Minnesota volunteers had begun to approach the pre-experiment levels after just over a year.

Physical Activity

In general, the men responded to semi-starvation with reduced physical activity. They became tired, weak, listless, and apathetic, and complained of lack of energy. Voluntary movements became noticeably slower. However, according to the original report,

"...some men exercised deliberately at times. Some of them attempted to lose weight by driving themselves through periods of excessive expenditure of energy in order either to obtain increased bread rations or to avoid reduction in rations." (Keys et al., 1950, p. 828)

This is similar to the practice of some anorexic and bulimic patients, who feel that if they exercise strenuously, they can allow themselves a bit more to eat. The difference is that for the patients the caloric limitations are self-imposed.

Significance of the Starvation Study


As is readily apparent from the preceding description of the Minnesota experiment, many of the symptoms that might have been thought to be specific to anorexia nervosa or bulimia are actually the result of starvation. These are not limited to food and weight, but extend to virtually all areas of psychological and social functioning.

Since many of the symptoms that have been postulated to cause these disorders may actually result from under-nutrition, it is absolutely essential that weight be returned to "normal" levels in order that emotional disturbances may be accurately assessed.

The profound effects of starvation also illustrate the tremendous adaptive capacity of the human body and the intense biological pressure on the organism to maintain a relatively consistent body weight. This makes complete evolutionary sense. Over the hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, a major threat to the survival of the organism was starvation. If weight had not been carefully modulated and controlled internally, animals most certainly would simply have died when food was scarce, or when their interest was captured by countless other aspects of living. The starvation study illustrates how the human being becomes more oriented toward food when starved and how other pursuits important to the survival of the species (e.g. social and sexual functioning) become subordinate to the primary drive toward food.

One of the most notable implications of the starvation experiment is that it provides compelling evidence against the popular notion that body weight is easily altered if one simply exercises a bit of "will power." It also demonstrates that the body is not simply "reprogrammed" to adjust to a lower weight once it has been achieved. The volunteers' experimental diet was unsuccessful in overriding their bodies' strong propensity to defend a particular weight level. One might argue that this is fine as long as a person is not obese to start with; as we point out later, however, these same principles seem to apply just as much to those who are naturally heavy as to those who have always been lean.

It should be emphasized that following the months of rehabilitation, the Minnesota volunteers did not skyrocket into obesity. On the average, they gained back their original weight plus about 10%; then, over the next 6 months, their weight gradually declined. By the end of the follow-up period, they were approaching their pre-experiment weight levels.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...