Recovery Literally Is.....

Walking On Fire

Okay now that may read a little over the top to you but let me explain a bit more :)

Last Friday I took part in a 'Firewalk' raising money for a local children's charity.  We were given  two hours of training before hand and the walk itself only lasted seconds but I have to say, I haven't felt so alive, energised and ecstatically happy in such a long, long time! 

My Family and friends (one of whom had surprised me and come all the way from London) were there to watch it, and I found out afterwards it actually brought a tear to their eyes seeing me too. 

Go back even a few months and there's no way I would have had the energy to have been able to do that and my mind would not have been focused enough either. 

Now, not that I can do firewalks everyday but, it's moments like those that I reaslise exactly why I am recovering. 

Feeling strength in my body, blood pumping through my veins, my eyes sparkling. Laughing with others and dancing barefooted in the dark. Seeing my family so happy and proud made my heart swell and my spirits soar.

Raising money to help the lives of children who are unable to do so themselves.

Having the choice and the energy to do all that!

On the Saturday, I went up to London to Support the first ever B-eat Parade. The turnout was small but I was so, so proud of the young women who had organised it and the others for getting out there, raising awareness and putting a voice to eating disorders- Breaking the silence!! 

Sunday was a glorious day and a friend of mine came over with her dogs. We took them to the beach, she treated us to lunch and the we went for a lovely long walk in the glorious sunshine... 

All in all, an absolutely fantastic weekend!

Today I am full of cold :( But with it, (you can always find an upside!) hope and belief in myself, in others and all that's still to come with recovery.

Instead of pushing myself like I'm known to, I am writing this in bed :) And instead of not eating much with the excuse of feeling ill/not going out, I will eat all I need to in order to fuel my body, nourish it and get better plus more if necessary (or just plain want!)

Why? 

Because I can walk on Fire, I can do anything and;


 I choose Life!! 


And So Can You!






~

I've included a wee video of my walk just incase you wanted a peak :) 

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

That Moment....

That moment when you’re staring at a restaurant menu; your hands are clammy, your heart pounding, your mind is racing.

You are terrified.

That moment when you feel awkward, like all eyes are on you as you desperately try to figure out what would be the ‘safest’ thing to order.

But it’s all so daunting.

That moment when your eyes are drawn to foods you’d really like, you know would taste yummy and  yet that little voice is telling you-

“No, you mustn’t have this, you can’t have that, have you any idea what’s in that!!”

It’s exhausting, it’s painful and it’s miserable.

That moment when the waitress comes to take the tables order and you take the longest, scared of what you may order. What if you slip up and actually order what you want???!!!

When you finally speak you don’t order what you want, what you fancy.

That moment when suddenly, you’re angry!

And you want some answers!

Why did you order that? Do you really want to eat it? Did it tickle your taste buds? Will you enjoy it? Why are you so afraid of a menu, of your own hunger? Why is it that others can order x but not you? Why should you not be allowed to eat what you want?

And what’s stopping you?

That moment when, before you know it, you’re racing to find a waitress. You find yourself asking if it’s too late to change your order?

You’ve changed your mind.

That moment when the food arrives and your table think they’ve brought you the wrong food but you turn to them and say;

“No, I’ve got exactly what I wanted”

And you eat it.  

And you enjoy every last bite.

That Moment is called Recovery

~

Adapted from something I wrote after an experience at the weekended.

What do you want today?

Happy Pancake Day!!

With Much Love, Smiles & Support, 

Hanna xx

Hang On To Every Reason.....

And Never Let Go…

First and foremost, only you can choose to recover. It doesn’t matter how much others want you to or even beg you to, until you decided to do it for you, it just wont happen.

That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong in having ‘reasons to recover’ other than the obvious ones.

Some day’s I find it really helps to remind myself of these reasons and hang onto them with all my might.

Especially on day’s where I may be struggling somewhat or feeling a little overwhelmed.

Yesterday, for example, seeing my Nanna looking so frail yet still strong and full of love for me gave me the push I needed to eat my afternoon snack.

Later that same day, a simple text from my Mum helped to ease the slight panic I was feeling. It gave me a shove in the right direction (dinner) which in turn gave me the energy I needed to go out singing last night.

When I arrived for my group, there was a ‘Zumba’ class on. It looked like so much fun; exciting and uplifting; the women (and one guy) all looked radiant and full of health.

It reminded me how much I want to not only feel but exude that radiance too. 

All the more reason and motivation to keep pushing forward and getting stronger!

After a fab and invigorating evening of singing, I arrived home quite late. Even though my head was telling me it was far to late to eat a snack, I knew better.

I sat there with it, writing this piece in fact.

After finishing, I realised I was still hungry but was going to go to bed. Then I stopped. How could I possibly write a piece on reasons to recover when I am about to go to bed hungry?

 I am so glad I caught myself.

So you, where my reasons right then J

Whatever your reasons, whomever inspires you or those things that motivate you, Hang on to them and never let go.

And remember- you are doing this for you but the little things all count too.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Letting Go...

Todays Post Is Brought To You 

By The Lovely Georgia; Thank You..

One of the scariest parts of recovery is accepting that you have to let go of the behaviours you’ve become accustomed to – the ones that make you feel ‘safe’. 

It’s so easy to try and excuse those behaviours:

“It doesn’t really matter if I weigh my breakfast cereal because at least I’m eating it”

“It won’t hurt to know exactly how many calories are in this piece of fruit”

“I only do x amount of push ups every day because I sit still a lot and I need to do something different”

Those little gems are things I’ve come up with myself. They probably sound crazy to anyone else. Realistically though, I know that if I’m going to get my life back from the controlling, destructive bitch that this eating disorder is I’ll have to stop those behaviours.

What I have to ask myself is “what is this disorder giving me?”

I’ll tell you what mine’s given me.

It’s given me bad low blood pressure that means I often stagger and can’t see properly when I stand up.

It’s given me lanugo on my back and ribs – because every young woman wants to have fur, obviously.

It’s stopped me enjoying everything I used to love and is ruining my relationships with family and friends.

Worth it? No, I don’t think it is. For what is a superficial feeling of ‘safety’ if it will quickly leave you feeling on edge again? What is the use in punishing yourself, be it through restricting, purging or excessive exercise, because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t?

Think back to a time when you were healthy.

 I remember I used to look in the mirror and feel powerful; I had a strong, feminine body and I liked it.

 Now when I look in the mirror, I see someone ill. She isn’t even really me anymore – she’s a poor man’s version of the woman I used to be. Her figure looks wasted and her face looks hollow. 

This isn’t worth it: it’s not worth losing your identity and joy just for the fleeting relief fulfilling a disordered though gives you.

I will be the real me again, and you can be too. 

We deserve kindness, health and strength, each and every one of us – but the only way to achieve that is to leave our disordered behaviours behind.

 We can do this. It’s time to let go.

Love,

 Georgia

I Am Not ED......

2011 Was a year that was very much dominated by my eating disorder.

It affected my health, my relationships, my body, mind and soul.

My eating disorder seemed to be all that was thought and talked about, by others and myself.

It played a major role in the breakdown of my relationship to a man I was very much in love with.

It brought tears and pain to those closest to me.

It nearly killed me.

It stole 2011 from me and it defined me.

But you know what?

I am not ED.

I am Me.

I am Hanna Angell.

Yes, I have an eating disorder. Yes, it is a part of me but it is not I.

And this year, it will no longer play the main role in my life story.

Yes, I will fully recover in 2012 and I will go on to help others do the same;

For this is one of my passions in life.

But it won’t become all that’s talked about.

 And it most certainly will not take center stage.

2012 is going to be an A.M.A.Z.I.N.G Year.

Happy New Year To You,

Make yours a truly wonderful one too!

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Re-establishing Trust

With Loved Ones & Yourself

I hope you had an amazing Christmas, full of love and laughter- I know I did.

I think I can honestly say it was one of the best I’ve had in years! And although not completely without my eating disorder, it didn’t dominate at all.

I was able to relax, have fun, eat good food, have a few drinks and enjoy spending time with my family. I almost ‘forgot’ at times. But just now I was reminded, when me simply saying I was taking my dog for a short stroll almost brought about an argument with my family.

At first I was enraged! How dare the simple fact that I was going for a walk cause my family to ‘treat me like a child’. To ‘tut’ and ‘mutter’ and say such things as ‘I know why you’re doing it’…

 How very dare they!

But as I was ‘stomping’ through the streets a few minutes later, I managed to compose myself a bit, breath and think things over.

You see, I used to use walking my dog as an excuse, a form of punishment; over exercising was a big part of my self-destructive path. And of course those I love had to watch this. Day after day they would witness me exhausting myself and abusing my body. I guess it seemed as though there was nothing they could do at times, short of physically stop me.

Over exercising, starving myself, purging- any form of self-destructive behaviors;

When I couldn’t see the madness, they could.

And it scared them.

So now, if I say I’m not hungry or I’m going for a walk, I guess that fear comes back again. Maybe they start to question whether my dog really needs a pee or if I’m doing it to work off my last meal.

And you know what; I understand. Although not fully, I have never had to watch someone I love slowly kill themselves, I understand.

And I guess these things take time. It will take time to reestablish that trust; in me and my ability to look after myself. For them to understand that I’m no longer yearning to loose weight or hurt myself.

And I also need to fully trust myself too. That if the urge returns, I won’t give in to it. But I am getting more and more confident about that now as time goes on.

This is all part of recovery and so long as that’s where I’m headed, we’ll get there.

Eating disorders are sneaky (they, not you) and cause a lot of pain. They tear some families apart, but it wont mine.

~

My Mum & I have yet to ‘make it up’ tonight but we will. I know that she still worries a lot and loves me deeply, as do I her.

Problem is we’re both as stubborn as each other!

~

So next time someone close to you say’s something you may find offending, try to take a minute or so to reflect on the possible reasons why too.

I’ll ‘see’ you in the New Year! Have an amazing one J

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Edited To Say Mum & I are absolutely back on track :) 

Yoga Saved Me.

I first discovered yoga many years ago as an undergrad in college, but at the time it didn't stick.  It wasn't fast enough for me and the thought of looking inside my mind in any real way was utterly petrifying.

We again met up many years later when I was looking to try something new to find relief from the stress of teaching.  I had never tried Bikram yoga and thought I would give it a go.  What did I have to lose?  Even if I didn't like it I figured the calorie torching aspect of it would be a positive and ED loved that!

That was the start of what was to be a journey inside, at first a glimpse that something still wasn't right.  I was forced to face myself when I entered that hot little room and I didn't like what I saw.  At first it was just the exterior, but my rational mind knew that wasn't really it.

The truth was much deeper than that.

Within 3 months of starting a regular practice I turned a corner.  I left my job and entered a full-time day treatment program.  Yoga had offered me a safe way to start to look inside and begin to discover myself.

Without yoga I don't' know that I would have ever come to that point of really being ready to recover.  I would still be in the vicious cycle that had persisted for 14-years.

Yoga is now my life and my passion.  I no longer practice Bikram yoga and wouldn't recommend that style to those in recovery, but I practice and teach almost daily and am working towards becoming a yoga therapist to work with those with eating disorders.

Yoga offers a new way to see the world; a safe place to be Hannah and to be strong and healthy.  It fills the space of sickness and the tunnel vision of eating disorders.  I can see beyond myself and know that no matter what I am more than my body, than food, than any number.

Have you unrolled your mat yet?

Looking After You......

And not giving in to your thoughts.

So, it’s only 5 days to until Christmas, my, has this year flown by for me!

Am I excited?

Yes because I get to spend some quality time with my family.

But I’m also a little anxious too.

You see, for many years now, Christmas time has not been very easy for me. Many with an eating disorder can find the holiday period stressful. A lot of emphasis is put on food and there can also be a feeling of pressure to ‘conform’.

In the past, although I’ve enjoyed being with my family, inside I have often felt frustrated, alone and terrified. Watching those I love let go, eat good food and make merry whilst I tortured and denied myself, not just the food but the experience too.

And then of course there was last year. I spent my Christmas day and New Years Eve in a hospital. My Mum was alone and deeply afraid for her daughter, my Dad pretty much the same (although he at least had his wife with him)

No presents were exchanged, no laughter was had. All in all it was a pretty awful time for all of us.

I clearly remember sitting there, looking at the hospital Christmas tree and thinking;

“No Christmas of mine will ever be like this again”

But I’m not telling you all this to make you feel sorry for me. Nor am I wallowing in what was.

The fact is, this year I am not in hospital. And although not yet fully recovered, I am healthier and stronger.

This year I will be spending it with my family. Gifts will be passed around, there will be laughter and yes, I will be eating yummy food and enjoying the whole experience too!

I’ m not putting pressure on myself however, what will be will be.  It’s not about the food (must be included though!) or the presents, but the company and the fun.

The main thing is I will be there!

And I will look after myself too.

It really is only one day but it is a day I want to look back on and smile.

~

Whatever your plans are this Christmas; please look after yourself as well. Let go if you can and just allow yourself to enjoy being present and apart of the celebrations. Don’t put pressure on yourself to ‘keep up’ with everyone else, it’s not about that. Do what you know is the right thing for you. Don't give into your self destructive thoughts and let your eating disorder dominate your day. 

 Enjoy!

I’ll be thinking of you…

Wishing you an extremely Happy Christmas.

With Much Love, Smiles, & Support.

Hanna xx

PS: Here's a link to Beat: Coping At Christmas which provides some good support and pointers. There's also Something Fishy that's worth checking out too. 

Don't be alone! <3

let it be me

{ VIDEO CREDIT :: Ray LaMontagne :: Let it Be Me }

It's been a week(end)! First going eastbound, then coming back to my house on Saturday, then going eastbound again.... and now... well... when you read this I'll either be reading Desiderata (my favorite piece of written work... ever) at the wedding of a very dear friend of mine or back at my house making food that can be heated over a fire (or doesn't need heating) to get ready for a stay in a cabin with my doggy over the weekend into next week that will only have electrical outlets... no bathroom or anything of the sort... in the middle of nowhere.

Why the cabin weekend into week? To get in touch with and rediscover myself... and to draw inspiration from the world around me.

I decided over these past few days that I will be making some very large changes in my life - first and foremost with what I am going to be doing the next year or two... and depending on how those years go, with the rest of my life. I'm going to be taking a break from Sociology and just working for awhile. At a job that won't require anything outside the hours that I'm there... so I can devote energy to work towards a goal of mine. Something that feels right within my being.  I mentioned it to my mother and she thinks I can succeed in doing what I have in mind, (something I won't mention on here... yet).

Now what does this have to do with recovery?

Well, what I've discovered about the recovery process (for myself) is that it can give you your perspective back. That sometimes you want to live your life in a way that is you, because you start to value who you are (or learn about who you are). I've lived so much of my life in the ways of others, but now I think it's time to step back and look at things. I love Sociology, Psychology, and Women and Gender studies (I'll admit that trauma studies sometimes is a bit hard for me) - but as I told my mother, in the field of Sociology there are certain viewpoints that are highly consistent amongst those in the field -- viewpoints that I thoroughly don't agree with. I think it could be a very uphill battle for me to continue, as a result.

I've seen the world, I've been in the military, I've lived life frugally and comfortably both as a child (my parents went from not having much at all to being able to buy me everything I wanted...) and as an adult... I've experienced a lot of life events. Consequently,  I have a pretty good idea of what I believe in and don't based upon those experiences and what I've seen. I think that's why I can describe myself as a hippie with Republican tendencies (and a little Reagan on the side) and have that be an accurate representation. Because my ideas and beliefs are pieced together on what I feel inside. I'm neither liberal or conservative. I'm just me. I'm okay with that... and I'm not sure putting myself in the position that I currently am finding myself in (in various Sociological courses) is the right thing for me to be doing, regardless of what I think of the discipline (Sociology) itself.

Besides, instead of observing people living life... I think I might find just as much fun living it.

Recovery isn't about regaining who you once were... but rather finding yourself as you are at present. Let it be me. Let my life be me.

 The last time I was in a wedding - keeping it classy... always ;)

{ photo credit :: Rachel Pierson currently of Alanna Photography }

the house that built me

(credit :: Miranda Lambert - The House that Built Me)

As you read this I will be at my parents' home. It is these walls that inspire this post.

When we are exposed to an environment we often leave our mark. Be it with the paint we put on the walls, the floors we lay down, the carpet we choose (or perhaps the stain we will later imprint upon it when we knock over a bottle of nail polish). However, the environment also makes a mark on us... in the memories we associate with that space... the secrets those walls hold... the moments that have somehow become ingrained in both our foundation and in the house's. It's why certain scents can transport you back to that place and space in time and why sometimes just opening a door can take down a barrier you hadn't fully realized was present.

From my 5th grade year until I was in the military my parents lived in a house on the water. A modest 1800 square foot home that for a long duration of their stay there was shared by my parents, my sister and I, and our two cats. When I left for college in Fall 2006, I pretty much never came back except as a visitor. My sister came back home the summer of 2007 and stayed for nearly two years, but not me. When I left I had no plans of returning... except for the occasional visit. I drifted away from that home... hoping even the memories would not follow me. While they did become less prominent in my everyday life, every time I would come back home again and walk through those doors a wave would come over me. Leaving me feeling consumed. It felt nearly impossible to not fall into the role that I had always held within those walls. Roles I had been assigned and roles I had assigned myself. Roles that seemed to demand certain behaviors and that left me emotionally drained... watching myself like an actor on the stage.

As I said earlier, my parents left that home. At the time my mother was upset with me, so I cannot tell you exactly when they moved as I don't know... I didn't know until a relative mentioned it to me. Despite downsizing themselves - going from two children, two pets, and themselves to merely themselves - they wound up moving into a larger 3200 square foot home within the confines of a subdivision in a neighboring town. When I walk into their home now while the people themselves sometimes bring me back to feeling like the little girl of my past, it's not a role that I feel forced into. I now recognize the potential choice of whether or not I will embody the past.

Was that choice always there (as an adult)? Yes. However, it wasn't as easy or clear to see in their former home. Those choices were still definitely there though, just masked by the intense emotions that seeped out of the space and into the core of my being.

This past week in DBT, the talk of coaching calls came up as none of us seem to be too keen on them. Coaching calls essentially exist upon the belief that you can know better, have discussed what things would be good to calm you down or center yourself - to stop or prevent engaging in eating disorder behaviors, but in a moment of intense emotion you can need help. While the thought of coaching calls still freaks me out - and makes me really uncomfortable - I do now better understand their purpose.

In our lives we have these spaces, such as my parents' old home, that are negative for us. These spaces can be anywhere. They can be a space in the physical sense, in the sense of time, or even just mental head space. Sometimes you need a reminder that there are choices in front of you. That just because you've always done X, Y, or Z in this situation doesn't mean that those are the only options out there. Coaching calls in DBT are those reminders... and sometimes just calling someone is one of those choices.

With Change Comes Fear....

But Through Fear Comes Courage....

We all go through changes in life: they are unavoidable.

Some people thrive on them but for many, they can cause anxiety, anguish and fear.

Me, I feel a mixture of emotions.

Even when we are at a place in our lives where we don’t really want to be, the idea of making changes in order to better it can sometimes seem too daunting.

And the work entailed to take the first steps too tiring.

But if we stay where we are, isn’t that just as exhausting?

And if we really think about it, can’t change actually be exciting?

Of course it can!

I feel the more we accept and embrace change, the less overwhelming it can be.

But is that always possible?

I think so.

In recovery, we go through many changes. Some seemingly negative but also many positive.

In body, mind and soul.

And the same goes for life in general too.

People move on, times change, life continually moves forward.

Although not always easy and often extremely scary, sometimes if we just take the time to slow down, observe and breath, the realisation that everything will be okay sets in.

And with the fear that leads up to and through change, comes life and all it’s endless possibilities.

And that’s exciting!

So I guess what I’m trying to say is this-

Although you may feel afraid and unsure about changes ahead, know that you are not alone and although nothing is set in stone,

Your future is bright.

Release the lion within yourself!

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

You Are Not Perfect.....

And That’s Okay!

This is what I’ve been reminding myself this past week and I guess I’m now saying it to you.

You can chooses to disagree with me if you want,

That’s okay too.

But here’s a few things I think-

You will make mistakes in life, some good (yes that is possible), some bad and some plain stupid.

But it’s through these mistakes that you learn and grow.

You will, at times, get lost and choose the wrong path in life.

But if you listen to your heart you’ll always find your way again.

You will fall in love only to have your heart broken.

But love happens for a reason and it’s because of this love that you grow stronger.

And your heart will heal to allow love again.

You will sometimes feel like you’ve made ‘the wrong’ decisions.

But if you hadn’t have made them, how would you know? And who’s to say the other choices would have been better?

You will sometimes upset or anger others.

But, if these ‘others’ hold meaning in your life, they will forgive you. And it’s the times you bring them light and laughter that matters most.

You may one day get a haircut or colour that you truly hate.

But your hair will grow back, colours can be changed and the pictures are always fun to look back at.

You will have days where everything seems to go wrong and you feel nothing but frustration.

But what’s a day when you have the rest of your life ahead of you? And you will find your smile again.

I am not perfect. Life is not perfect.

But who’d want to be? And life would be boring if it were!

This post may not be perfect.

But you know what?

That’s okay!

It came from within and that’s good enough for me.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx