let it be me

{ VIDEO CREDIT :: Ray LaMontagne :: Let it Be Me }

It's been a week(end)! First going eastbound, then coming back to my house on Saturday, then going eastbound again.... and now... well... when you read this I'll either be reading Desiderata (my favorite piece of written work... ever) at the wedding of a very dear friend of mine or back at my house making food that can be heated over a fire (or doesn't need heating) to get ready for a stay in a cabin with my doggy over the weekend into next week that will only have electrical outlets... no bathroom or anything of the sort... in the middle of nowhere.

Why the cabin weekend into week? To get in touch with and rediscover myself... and to draw inspiration from the world around me.

I decided over these past few days that I will be making some very large changes in my life - first and foremost with what I am going to be doing the next year or two... and depending on how those years go, with the rest of my life. I'm going to be taking a break from Sociology and just working for awhile. At a job that won't require anything outside the hours that I'm there... so I can devote energy to work towards a goal of mine. Something that feels right within my being.  I mentioned it to my mother and she thinks I can succeed in doing what I have in mind, (something I won't mention on here... yet).

Now what does this have to do with recovery?

Well, what I've discovered about the recovery process (for myself) is that it can give you your perspective back. That sometimes you want to live your life in a way that is you, because you start to value who you are (or learn about who you are). I've lived so much of my life in the ways of others, but now I think it's time to step back and look at things. I love Sociology, Psychology, and Women and Gender studies (I'll admit that trauma studies sometimes is a bit hard for me) - but as I told my mother, in the field of Sociology there are certain viewpoints that are highly consistent amongst those in the field -- viewpoints that I thoroughly don't agree with. I think it could be a very uphill battle for me to continue, as a result.

I've seen the world, I've been in the military, I've lived life frugally and comfortably both as a child (my parents went from not having much at all to being able to buy me everything I wanted...) and as an adult... I've experienced a lot of life events. Consequently,  I have a pretty good idea of what I believe in and don't based upon those experiences and what I've seen. I think that's why I can describe myself as a hippie with Republican tendencies (and a little Reagan on the side) and have that be an accurate representation. Because my ideas and beliefs are pieced together on what I feel inside. I'm neither liberal or conservative. I'm just me. I'm okay with that... and I'm not sure putting myself in the position that I currently am finding myself in (in various Sociological courses) is the right thing for me to be doing, regardless of what I think of the discipline (Sociology) itself.

Besides, instead of observing people living life... I think I might find just as much fun living it.

Recovery isn't about regaining who you once were... but rather finding yourself as you are at present. Let it be me. Let my life be me.

 The last time I was in a wedding - keeping it classy... always ;)

{ photo credit :: Rachel Pierson currently of Alanna Photography }

With Change Comes Fear....

But Through Fear Comes Courage....

We all go through changes in life: they are unavoidable.

Some people thrive on them but for many, they can cause anxiety, anguish and fear.

Me, I feel a mixture of emotions.

Even when we are at a place in our lives where we don’t really want to be, the idea of making changes in order to better it can sometimes seem too daunting.

And the work entailed to take the first steps too tiring.

But if we stay where we are, isn’t that just as exhausting?

And if we really think about it, can’t change actually be exciting?

Of course it can!

I feel the more we accept and embrace change, the less overwhelming it can be.

But is that always possible?

I think so.

In recovery, we go through many changes. Some seemingly negative but also many positive.

In body, mind and soul.

And the same goes for life in general too.

People move on, times change, life continually moves forward.

Although not always easy and often extremely scary, sometimes if we just take the time to slow down, observe and breath, the realisation that everything will be okay sets in.

And with the fear that leads up to and through change, comes life and all it’s endless possibilities.

And that’s exciting!

So I guess what I’m trying to say is this-

Although you may feel afraid and unsure about changes ahead, know that you are not alone and although nothing is set in stone,

Your future is bright.

Release the lion within yourself!

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Facing up to Fears

 Edited to add: Check out this awesome post on fear that Ashley from Nourishing the Soul linked to on Facebook (and if you haven't liked her FB, definitely do! Ashley is chock full of good quotes and article links on there, and her blog is a great read as well).

Sometimes when we become afraid of something or someone, we avoid that thing, activity or person like the plague. Trust me on this--I'm a Capital-A-Avoider. If something sucks, I pretend it doesn't exist. This policy is nice when it's stuff I can't really control and doesn't impact my life on a daily level. However, I've learned this policy is pretty terrible way to deal with things like I-Pass violation fees, library fines and seemingly every other service on Earth that charges a fine. The funny thing about fines is that avoidance leads to them--and of course makes them worse. My avoidance of running to the library to return books or to pay that toll fine "I didn't deserve" (Yes, I had an electronic I-Pass with me that didn't function and wasn't mine--hence finding out I had huge, huge fines months later) cause more harm than good.

But what about the stuff that isn't fines? What about my health? What about my happiness? If I tell myself I'm healthy and happy when these questions arise in my mind and leave it at that, I can do that avoidance thing and pretend like that's the truth. And maybe I really think it's the truth, just because I haven't thought about it.

The night before last I went out for a smoke (yeah, that health thing!) and when I came back in, I heard a loud buzzing noise seemingly coming from my hair. I started swatting at it, thinking some sort of huge beetle had somehow followed me in from outside. All the sudden, I feel a sting in the tender flesh of the inside of my upper arm, and I see a huge bee angrily flying all around me. My heart starts beating really hard, my chest tightens, and I barely make it to the bathroom whimpering in fear. I am very, very afraid of bees, and have never in my life been stung (ok, except for a tiny sweat bee when I was 5 years old). At that point in the bathroom, I had convinced myself it was some weird non-dying bee, no! Even worse! It was a hornet, or it was a bee but the stinger hadn't really gotten all the way in me, or...or...or....I hyperventilated. I could still hear the damn thing buzzing outside my bathroom door. I held a towel in my hand and watched the cracks and creases around the door, waiting for it to intrude.

Finally, I worked up enough courage to sprint out of the bathroom, grab my keys and phone in one swoop, and ran outside crying. I called my mother (at about 3 AM her time) and apologized over and over, telling her there was a bee, it was flying everywhere, and it was in my apartment. She could barely understand me, but kept telling me it was probably already dead. A confirmatory peek inside led to mad buzzing afresh, to which I slammed the door and started sobbing again. Could I just pretend the bee wasn't inside? No. And apparently it was attempting to have Shakespearean-esque death throes.

After awhile, I got so sick of standing outside and crying about this stupid bee (and I felt silly too, with my mom on the phone half-asleep, encouraging me to just go in and ice my arm---"BUT I CANT!!! THERE;S A BEE INSIDE OF MY APARTMENT!!!!"). I finally went back inside, found it sitting on the floor (probably dying) and whacked it mercilessly with a towel once I'd buried it in a pile of towels. I carried the dead bee in a towel out to the trash and disposed of it...and good riddance.

Bee incident got me thinking. Sometimes the problems you need to face up to are things you don't ever worry about, rarely think about and don't necessarily recognize as problems. I certainly didn't expect a bee to follow me inside like that, especially at 5 AM. Bees are awake that early? Right? But once the bee had stung me and was buzzing around my apartment, I could no longer ignore it. I had to kill it or wait for it to die, and in my crazed fear it seemed like it was never going to die, anyways. But eventually, I'm standing outside realizing how silly the whole thing is, and I just have to stop avoiding the damn bee. I mean, I thought, the sting didn't hurt -that- bad. My imagination had built up something far beyond the actual pain I suffered--and don't we all do that? Become more afraid of our imaginings than what the reality of the situation usually is?

So with the rest of your day, I challenge you to go out and face your bees. I mean, don't go out and chase bees around--that's just silly and asking to get stung. But when you hear buzzing, ask yourself what it really is, and don't avoid it.

What You've Never Done

Image cred

There is usually something you think you can't do.

And it's because it doesn't fit into your rulebook, it's something you just don't do.

But I want you to ask yourself, "How can I ever become the person I want to become without doing the things it takes to get there?"

Because to get where you've never been, you have to do what you've never done.

So do something today that breaks your rules...

do something you think --you-- can't do. 

With utter faith in your ability to do so,

Ashley

Self Improvement...or Self Destruction?

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold.If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”

Stacey Charter

Hello all! It's Thursday again, which means we're past hump day but not quite to Friday. And here I am on a beautiful morning, birthday cards, balloon, and (live!) orchid plant surrounding me. I turned 21 on tuesday, woo hoo!

Anywho, something I've been thinking about lately is self improvement. Back in the day, Self Improvement was my full-time job. I scoured the internet and library for ways to improve myself--psychologically, and then physically.

You see, I've always been entranced by this wonderful human capacity for meaningful change. With a thought, with words, with a second, we can turn our whole way of living on it's head. Vegetarian today and carnivore tomorrow? You got it. Homeless today and super-surgeon tomorrow? Stranger things have happened. The singular desire to do something, the whole dreaming thing, can help people to pursue far off goals for months, sometimes even years.

Just the idea of something and the desire to achieve it's reality can push us beyond the limits we set for ourselves. And this is great, lemme tell ya. Lots of people do amazing things with this kind of passion and ability to dream. In a world of hard-work-can-accomplish-anything mentality, the dreamers are often left in the dust of the busy herd pummeling forward in front of them. We need more dreams, I do think. We need more dreamers who are willing to make good on their promises to themselves. I could and will write a treatise on this simple fact, but not right now.

That's because, you see, there's a darker side to this whole improving self thing.

Sometimes, we pursue change single-mindedly for just the point of change and destruction. This is when "becoming a better person" means "the person I am right now SUCKS." How many times do you screw up and tell yourself it's only okay because you'll never do it again and "fix yourself?" How many social missteps lead you to cursing your current self and promising yourself you'll figure people out someday? How many work/school/life mistakes make you feel like a fucking failure, only to lead you to assume you need to drastically change yourself to just get rid of that feeling?

Well...I want to tell you something pretty cool. It's not a big secret or anything, but maybe you forgot it in the shuffle of trying to be more likeable, more pleasant, more sociable, a harder worker, a better student, hell, an all around good person.

I want you to know that you don't need to change a damn thing about yourself.

Ok, ok, you're thinking. Right. So I should keep sleeping in, get fired, eat lots of doughnuts and generally stop flogging myself into the ground to get things done.

And what then? I'm jobless, unhealthy, and lazy.

Oh my. What will you do?

Who knows, really.

But...maybe you'll find the things you really love to do if you stop beating yourself down so much that you can't even hear that voice--the one that says I LIKE (DOING) THIS. Maybe if you stop doing things you hate, because you hate yourself...you can begin to find new things to do, new thoughts to think, and new motivations to live by.

We ALL have the capacity to move and be moved by the things around us--we are born wanting and desiring and this capacity does not diminish. If anything, it becomes stronger with time. But this passion for dreaming and manifesting dreams doesn't develop out of self-hatred. It develops out of an authenticity of self and love of that unique self that is often demolished by the harsh self criticism we place upon ourselves.

Please don't die a slow death through self-improvement.

Maybe you're already perfect.

Maybe you just need to dream a little more...


So today, I challenge you to go out into the wide world and be you. Reject the crap you don't want. Keep the stuff you do. To heck with the convention of improving yourself. Say what you wanna say. Remember everything you do has consequences, and be aware of the consequences, but do not become intimidated by someone elses' perception of how you should be and do not act as if though someday you achieve the shining status of "PERFECT."



As you are and as I am,

Ashley

Mindset

 

IMG Cred 

Quick: decide whether you "agree" or "disagree" with each of these 4 statements:


Agree or disagree:

1. You are a certain kind of person, and there is not much that can be done to really change that.



2. No matter what kind of person you are, you can always change substantially.



3. You can do things differently, but the important parts of who you are can't really be changed.



4.   You can always change basic things about the kind of person you are.


Questions 1 and 3 are fixed-mindset questions. Questions 2 and 4 reflect the growth mindset. Which mindset did you agree with more? You can be a mixture, but most people lean toward one or the other.

(taken from Carol Dweck's book, Mindset)

Did you find yourself identifying more so with the fixed mindset or the growth mindset in this short set of questions? Or did you find yourself ending up with a mixture?

The concept of mindset is a rather interesting one, and perhaps one we are all familiar with. We know that having a bad attitude can ruin your day. Think about a time when as soon as you woke up, things started "going wrong," and you thought to yourself that the whole day would be bad (and it probably was, unless some really good external thing happened to you). Then, think about a time when you woke up in a really good mood and it just felt like it was going to be a good day. Have you had similar experiences where your mindset led you to feel a certain way about a whole day's events?

What if you could control that sense, that mindset, and really just decide that the whole day was going to be good? Sound too good to be true? Well, it might be--unpleasant things do sometimes happen. However, we can control how we react to situations and feel in those situations by altering our mindset, or the way we look at something.

In her research, Carol Dweck (referenced above) compares two mindsets: the fixed mindset and the growth mindset. The person with a fixed mindset tends to look at things as stable and unchangeable, most especially intelligence and skills. If you think you're smart, this is great, right? Nope. This person needs to prove to him or herself that he or she is intelligent or good at something. If a person with this kind of mindset makes a mistake, they often assume they are no longer smart or good at something. And of course, this leads them to not want to take "risks" (e.g. a challenging assignment at work or school) or try new things (e.g. a new, exciting sounding hobby). "That's a stupid assignment," they'll say. Or "I can't do that--I have no idea how to do it, and if I tried it, I'd suck at it and probably end up embarrassing myself." By making a mistake, they prove that they are stupid or incompetent, and therefore won't do things or will delay them due to a fear of failure. Sounds an awful lot like that perfectionism we hear about all the time, dontcha think?

But let's look at how a person with a growth mindset thinks about things. This kind of person thinks that they can become smarter (after all, the debate is out on what intelligence really means, anyways), and that they can learn new things if they try hard at learning them. The person with the growth mindset look at things like a curious child--no question is too "stupid" because people aren't born knowing everything; they become smart and learn by asking "stupid" questions. This kind of person may be wrong, but they look at their mistakes or lapses in knowledge as an opportunity to learn something new. They don't end taking every mistake as a blow to their self-esteem because they understand that mistakes are necessary for learning, in any area of life.

Dweck's research shows brain scan activiation that differs between these two kinds of mindsets. People show activation in areas associated with punishment and reward when in a fixed mindset. There's really something going on up there in that brain, eh! But perhaps the most important thing that Carol Dweck discovered in her research is that we can change our mindset. We can learn how to be more open to making mistakes, and by looking at how our difficulties enlighten us, and using them to learn, we thereby become smarter and more skilled people (defying the fixed mindset person's hypothesis that we just can't change or become smarter!).

I can definitely remember times when the fixed mindset has reigned. Just the other day I had an discussion on theories of intelligence with my boyfriend (ironically!) and got into a bit of a rut arguing with him (logical argument) as I took his criticism of one of my points as a criticism of my intelligence. I told him this, and we worked through it; he had no clue he was having that effect on me, and found my approach to the issue novel and insightful. But the issue wasn't him at all; it was definitely my mindset. The fact that I could have been wrong meant that I could have been stupid and not all-knowing, and not that I had simply overlooked a loophole in my thoughts or that I could learn something from his comments.

What do you all think--have you had times where you've engaged in the fixed mindset or the growth mindset? How did it affect you in that situation? Do you think you could benefit from working on changing your mindset?

I highly recommend you check out Carol Dweck's book here, and potentially consider it as a future read. It'll definitely change the way you think about success and learning, and the research can be applied not only to school and work but also to friendships, relationships, teaching, business, and many other important areas of life (nearly all! after all, life=learning).

Hope ya'll enjoyed!

One Year Ago...

So, it's official. I can no longer say "when I was in treatment this time last year." I don't know exactly why this is a "thing" with me, but it sort of is. A milestone I wanted to hit, but it occurs to me this Saturday morning that the date itself is not that big of a deal... because even without that date I would still be able to say a lot has changed.

This isn't a post about change though, not exactly. More of a post about observations and about life.

Last night I found myself out with seven of the ladies from my work to celebrate Kim (a complete sweetheart that's leaving Anthro) and had a good time. I didn't freak out (and wind up just observing everything), leave early, or anything of the sort... I had genuine fun, talked with numerous girls in the group, and even invited my male friend Des (whom they all loved).

We started inside drinking near the bar and wound up outside by the end of the night once our group had dwindled and even though I was there for 5ish hours it didn't feel like it. I discovered that sometimes when people hear you could possibly need assistance in the future (moving or something similar) they actually volunteer to help you - this may sound very un-novel but I assure for me it was a new thing, I didn't have to drink a lot to be comfortable - in fact I only had 2.5 cocktails the entire night, and that sometimes it's good to go out and mingle with people. Bad past friends does not reflect on current company. The night organically unfolded and we laughed at and with each other and some of us even cried a little. We joked about the past, thought about the future (one of the ladies is going on vacation this next week and when she returns will start riding lessons - something she hasn't done since her younger years), and shared stuff about ourselves the others didn't know.

It was good. a night of really living.

Anyways, I'm about to head out to the Farmers' Market to get my usual standard cookie (or two), but tomorrow will be the post I've been trying and trying to write so stay tuned for that.

My Happy Place

hi!

I didnt post last week, i was busy moving house. i was living in central Wellington city, the capital city of New Zealand. I have moved one hour north to the Kapiti Coast. I live right by the beach now

It is incredible how much environmental factors influence behaviour and thoughts. I remember when I got married up here, in February 2009 and we stayed at the beach for a week after, I thought to myself that if I lived up here I could be free, peaceful and rid of this disorder. I felt like I was recovered for that week I stayed up here, before going back home to the chaos. Now I live up here and am breathing the sea air and feeling the open space around me. I don't feel trapped and I don't feel like my past is around every corner waiting for me. Obviously moving here didn't magically cure my ED - that is a work in progress, but I do feel the freedom I was longing for all this time.

A few of the reasons I love being here

• the trees out the front are perfect for hanging chimes and sun catchers in
• at night time, when it is a really windy night, I can't always tell if it is the wind or the roaring ocean i can hear
• there are no high-rises here, the sky is so huge I can see blazing sunsets followed by starry nights and giant rising moons
• my view is of Kapiti island and when I see the sky changing colour I can walk down my street to the beach to catch it
• I can walk to therapy without it being considered excessive
• I have a room just for my fairies!
• there are parks with Pukekos all around me
• the soil is sandy and the grass is springy
• people have Norfolk pine trees on their properties and at Christmas time the streets are red with Pohutuhawa trees
• I have a back yard and a front yard with a big wide deck which is always warm and I can't wait to sunbathe on
• there are high fences that make me feel safe
• I can lay down and feel relaxed and peaceful and calm
• Kapiti island is always changing
• some of my oldest friends live around the corner, and I now live right between my two closest friends. So much closer to my sis.
• Stellar has carpet to roll about on and cupboards to hide in
• I can set up and leave out my sewing machine and learn to sew. I can paint and I have a workshop to smash things and make mosaic madness
• there is so much here to explore. I lived in wellington for 25 years, it is time for somewhere new and a quieter more peaceful life

I have loved the ocean and the beach for so long now. I love how huge and vast the ocean is. It puts life into perspective. It puts my problems and my worries and my anxiety into perspective. It is so calming and so ominous and ever changing. It humbles me and inspires me. This is my safe place, my peaceful place, my happy place.

Where is your happy place? Where do you feel safe or peaceful or loved?

xoxo Serra & Stellar

"But I want to sink back."

This week I'm going to share a poem I wrote about a year and a half ago, after a complete meal in response to which my whole being, it seemed, my body itself insisted "no! we are trained to reject this!"

I was terrified. I was being asked to change so much. I was being asked to face emotions. I was being asked to give up on the one thing I had focused on, the thing to fix .

I was being told I had to nourish what I spent every day trying to diminish, damage and destroy. I felt nothing but hate and loathing towards myself and especially my body, and I was being asked to nourish it? How could I reconcile that with the fact that the one thing I was surest of in the whole world was of my being a total, unforgivable, constitutional failure?

We've all heard about how eating disorders are about control. So is self-injury. So, frankly, is despair, I think. When life is chaotic and painful, giving up can be something to rely on.

In my personal life a great deal of elements are making me feel like my heart is breaking or broken. I am grateful to say that a lot has changed since I felt myself viscerally torn in two directions, wanting to accept change and hope and wanting to throw it back and run hard and fast away from it. A lot has changed since I wrote this poem. But in the midst of the painful things I am dealing with , I must report that there is, quietly, innocently, convincingly, a little part of me that seems to say "Sink back. You don't have to feel this."

It's amazing how unpowerful that voice is, to tell the truth. I hear it, or rather I think it, and I respond with "Oh no. Not you. I refuse to buy it." But I'm thinking it's really really important to almost magnify that voice, to really swivel around at it and say "Hey! I heard that. That's not an insignificant little thought. That is not something I'm just going to ignore as irrelevant - it is more than irrelevant." I'll refuse to engage with it. I'm not going to argue with it. But I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen, either.

It's got all kinds of little suggestions. The specifics don't matter - I am betting you have one too. So it doesn't matter what it's telling you... it's that it's telling you sink back.

The thought I am having is something like, "If I'm still in pain, if there's so much hell, if I'm having urges at all, maybe I've had about enough of this slogging through horror and I want to go back to what I was building before. Am I really going to give that up?"

It's not so fleshed out because I recognise it and yank it into the light and say hey! you! i know who you are, begone! But that's what it is.

And I guess my message is, I am glad that I am feeling pain right now. I feel heartbreak because my heart's been badly barraged. I want to feel that. I am learning so much, I have learned so much, since I demanded that I accept life rather than rejecting it, and it is the fantasy that I reject. And the more I've said "thanks but no thanks" to that thought inviting me back into the control seat of my own personal barge of the damned, the less powerful it is and the more I feel I really am getting to see the extent of what is revealed by accepting, rather than rejecting, whether we're talking about a meal, a helping hand, or life itself.

Possibility. It was the right choice then and it's the right choice now. I will feel, dammit. Even if that means facing the unknown.

I hope you like the poem. It helped to write, too ... I had so much going on, wrenching this poem out of myself was helpful. I recommend it - after meals, or any time.

-------

--------------------

I do not wish
to reject this.
there's too damn much for me to miss.

...Or maybe I do. maybe I'm through with trying
and failing and old thoughts prevailing -
careful angles, facing discomfort
concessions wrangled, and pacing, I've done far
too much to lose my touch!
to lose this,
such
a home, a world, a play, this girl, her world,
a girl, her world...

But I do not wish to reject this!
I miss the bliss
of something built
for some other purpose than staving off guilt.
staving by starving
saving by harming. no.
there's no girl here
but me and
a wish.

what of this?

Trying and failing, old thoughts prevailing.
trying and failing, old thoughts prevailing.
i think, maybe i want to just sink
into them, drink up
nothing but them. If
they're coming up when i am running from them,
if it's coming up when i am flying from them,
if it's coming up when i'm denying of them
well then,
why?
Why can't i just deny? why
should I even try? let them come! why not, Why?
I mean,
it's clearly a lie
I made up, just to whine,
there's no problem with thoughts that I'm thinking,
they're fine!
You're fat.
And you're mine.

Who said that?

Wait, wait.... "mine" ?

For real? This is fine?
That's not over the line?
Am I really fine with that thought in my mind?

I'm a failure without it. I fail every time.
I won't give it up. It keeps me in line.
yet the
failing and trying
and failing again is my life
people crying because
I failed again, every time, every act,
you have failed, and you're fat.
'cause you're fat.
don't react. you're too much
take it back. everything is an act
there is never a time when i feel genuine
says the thought: 'cause you're mine
'cause you're mine
'cause you're mine.

and there's terror at everything, truth, lies in kind
there's terror at leaving the terror behind. there is terror of food
there is terror sometimes there's been terror at moving an inch
Terror's lying.

Look: behind what is said about
better off dead
in my head
behind that is the crying unsaid.
Look behind that: I'm trying. it's terror again.
but of what?
not of dying. I know that, so then
well,
it's living, I guess.
Which i'm loathe to confess.
Yet with each choice I reject this life I love.. Unless...

Imagine.

To sustain; to retain, to remain and to fly
in the face of the pain that I
welcome except
when I'm faced with the lies.
I hate them, the lies.
Yes, I hate them, the lies, the way that
old refrain that keeps all this the same,
makes me
rely on the pain
comfortably insane
and a liar, for shame.

See? I try and I fail and the old thoughts prevail.
I try? And I fail? And the old thoughts....prevail.

imagine

to be ruled by possibility
to no longer be fooled by faded prophesy.
the weary old words that keep themselves true
and keep me from feeling connected to you.

the idea
of trying and failing
itself
this black-and-white shit is toxic to my health.

it's all a continuum
and these pigeonholes
are the very same lies
that have been in control.

To still be unwell
to still feel like hell
does not negate hope
however hard to tell.

These notions are potions that poison the now.
What would it be like instead to allow?
Trying and failing is nonsense unless I am
clinging to just what's constricted my breath.

I feel like I'm shining a very dim beam
that is threatening my darkness, as thick as it seemed...

And I don't. I don't wish to reject this reveal.
There is too much to miss.
I'm embracing the real.

No,
I do not wish to reject this.
there is far too much
for us all to miss.

P.S. Hold on. Hold on to yourself. This is gonna hurt like hell.

Introduction, Change

Why, hello :)


I'm Thursday, or Ashley, whichever you prefer to call me. I could see myself taking a liking to this Thursday thing. Anyways, just a quick introduction here. Kat (Wednesday) had asked me to take part in this blog project, and I happily agreed. I will most likely be posting artwork in the future (yay!) as I am beginning to take up making art again. Today, however, I would like to start with a few words about a choice subject.


Change. I was originally going to post artwork on my first day of blogging (today! woohoo!), but have decided to write instead. In deciding to talk rather than post a drawing, I confronted my fear of change.  I did say informally that I might be posting artwork on the first day, so what if I annoy Kat or one of the other bloggers by changing my mind? But at that point, I realized that I did have good reasons for changing. I did not want to post the particular artwork I had mentioned just yet, and I had some other issues on my mind that seemed of more importance. Of course, being a student, I don't always have time to spontaneously create drawings, which was the case last night. So, in a twist of irony, I had to confront the issue I wanted to talk about on here. I chose to write about change, and by doing so, I let the shackles of the past fall away from my decision making process.


Sometimes we get so used to living in the same patterns and routines that we forget that we can change things.    We become like rats on squeaky wheels, running after a goal that forever eludes us (and having to put up with the obnoxious creaking of the wheel!). When this happens, we often start thinking that our life has to be the way it is, because it is so obviously hurtling in a single direction.


But I want to remind you of something amazing, because I think you already know it and need to remember it.


At any moment you can do something different.


You could take on a new profession. Eat a new food. Go somewhere you've never been. Work on the problems that you want to face.


It's all in your mindset.


You think you can't grow, you stay the same. If you're too afraid to ever try anything new, try anything different, welcome the ambiguity, greyness, and unsureness of life, you will miss out on a lot. You will miss out on meeting people and visiting places that might change you in a very deep and meaningful way.


I see students at school (I'm a third year psych student) who are afraid to talk to professors. I'm going to a small university (20-30 students in a classroom), too, so you would think people would take advantage of that kind of attention. But people come to college with this attitude that they don't need to learn anything, they don't need to challenge themselves, and they certainly don't need help changing (especially from professors!). It's a terrible attitude, because many of these students could have been hard-working, insightful people. They shackled themselves into a repetition of high school, basically. And it's not even intelligence...the importance of this falls away as in college your success is often based more highly on your motivation than your IQ.


Every inhibition you have right now is one you are holding on to. And I'm sure you have some good excuses for not changing, we all have things we could pin our responsibility on. But how is that helping you making your life more fulfilling?


 As a side note, we often doubt our ability to change something in our own lives. There's no reason to be highly critical of yourself when learning something new. Embrace the fact that you have to learn new skills to be anything different than you are now.


 It is not possible for you to wake up an accomplished musician tomorrow morning. Even prodigies have to practice to get to where they are; I've read before that some researchers say it takes about 20,000 hours of practice of an activity to become an "expert" in it. You can't beat yourself up about X, Y, or Z quality of you (I'm not where I want to be in life, I'm not recovered yet, I'm not happy enough, I should be smarter, I should work harder) when you haven't honestly worked on changing that quality! So you need to ask yourself: what do I need to do to change?




So as I begin sharing my journey here, I encourage you to find something that you can change in your life. Remember that the action comes from the mindset, and the person that accepts change and enacts change is the one who grows.


You don't have to like every change, controllable or uncontrollable.


You just have to want to grow, and start seeing the world as an opportunity to learn about yourself.
And there's no limits to what you can accomplish with this mindset. 


Much respect for your human capacity to grow and change,


AS