Todays Post Is Brought To You
By The Lovely Georgia; Thank You..
One of the scariest parts of recovery is accepting that you have to let go of the behaviours you’ve become accustomed to – the ones that make you feel ‘safe’.
It’s so easy to try and excuse those behaviours:
“It doesn’t really matter if I weigh my breakfast cereal because at least I’m eating it”
“It won’t hurt to know exactly how many calories are in this piece of fruit”
“I only do x amount of push ups every day because I sit still a lot and I need to do something different”
Those little gems are things I’ve come up with myself. They probably sound crazy to anyone else. Realistically though, I know that if I’m going to get my life back from the controlling, destructive bitch that this eating disorder is I’ll have to stop those behaviours.
What I have to ask myself is “what is this disorder giving me?”
I’ll tell you what mine’s given me.
It’s given me bad low blood pressure that means I often stagger and can’t see properly when I stand up.
It’s given me lanugo on my back and ribs – because every young woman wants to have fur, obviously.
It’s stopped me enjoying everything I used to love and is ruining my relationships with family and friends.
Worth it? No, I don’t think it is. For what is a superficial feeling of ‘safety’ if it will quickly leave you feeling on edge again? What is the use in punishing yourself, be it through restricting, purging or excessive exercise, because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t?
Think back to a time when you were healthy.
I remember I used to look in the mirror and feel powerful; I had a strong, feminine body and I liked it.
Now when I look in the mirror, I see someone ill. She isn’t even really me anymore – she’s a poor man’s version of the woman I used to be. Her figure looks wasted and her face looks hollow.
This isn’t worth it: it’s not worth losing your identity and joy just for the fleeting relief fulfilling a disordered though gives you.
I will be the real me again, and you can be too.
We deserve kindness, health and strength, each and every one of us – but the only way to achieve that is to leave our disordered behaviours behind.
We can do this. It’s time to let go.