With Loved Ones & Yourself
I hope you had an amazing Christmas, full of love and laughter- I know I did.
I think I can honestly say it was one of the best I’ve had in years! And although not completely without my eating disorder, it didn’t dominate at all.
I was able to relax, have fun, eat good food, have a few drinks and enjoy spending time with my family. I almost ‘forgot’ at times. But just now I was reminded, when me simply saying I was taking my dog for a short stroll almost brought about an argument with my family.
At first I was enraged! How dare the simple fact that I was going for a walk cause my family to ‘treat me like a child’. To ‘tut’ and ‘mutter’ and say such things as ‘I know why you’re doing it’…
How very dare they!
But as I was ‘stomping’ through the streets a few minutes later, I managed to compose myself a bit, breath and think things over.
You see, I used to use walking my dog as an excuse, a form of punishment; over exercising was a big part of my self-destructive path. And of course those I love had to watch this. Day after day they would witness me exhausting myself and abusing my body. I guess it seemed as though there was nothing they could do at times, short of physically stop me.
Over exercising, starving myself, purging- any form of self-destructive behaviors;
When I couldn’t see the madness, they could.
And it scared them.
So now, if I say I’m not hungry or I’m going for a walk, I guess that fear comes back again. Maybe they start to question whether my dog really needs a pee or if I’m doing it to work off my last meal.
And you know what; I understand. Although not fully, I have never had to watch someone I love slowly kill themselves, I understand.
And I guess these things take time. It will take time to reestablish that trust; in me and my ability to look after myself. For them to understand that I’m no longer yearning to loose weight or hurt myself.
And I also need to fully trust myself too. That if the urge returns, I won’t give in to it. But I am getting more and more confident about that now as time goes on.
This is all part of recovery and so long as that’s where I’m headed, we’ll get there.
Eating disorders are sneaky (they, not you) and cause a lot of pain. They tear some families apart, but it wont mine.
My Mum & I have yet to ‘make it up’ tonight but we will. I know that she still worries a lot and loves me deeply, as do I her.
Problem is we’re both as stubborn as each other!
So next time someone close to you say’s something you may find offending, try to take a minute or so to reflect on the possible reasons why too.
I’ll ‘see’ you in the New Year! Have an amazing one J
With Much Love, Smiles & Support,
Edited To Say Mum & I are absolutely back on track :)