let it be me

{ VIDEO CREDIT :: Ray LaMontagne :: Let it Be Me }

It's been a week(end)! First going eastbound, then coming back to my house on Saturday, then going eastbound again.... and now... well... when you read this I'll either be reading Desiderata (my favorite piece of written work... ever) at the wedding of a very dear friend of mine or back at my house making food that can be heated over a fire (or doesn't need heating) to get ready for a stay in a cabin with my doggy over the weekend into next week that will only have electrical outlets... no bathroom or anything of the sort... in the middle of nowhere.

Why the cabin weekend into week? To get in touch with and rediscover myself... and to draw inspiration from the world around me.

I decided over these past few days that I will be making some very large changes in my life - first and foremost with what I am going to be doing the next year or two... and depending on how those years go, with the rest of my life. I'm going to be taking a break from Sociology and just working for awhile. At a job that won't require anything outside the hours that I'm there... so I can devote energy to work towards a goal of mine. Something that feels right within my being.  I mentioned it to my mother and she thinks I can succeed in doing what I have in mind, (something I won't mention on here... yet).

Now what does this have to do with recovery?

Well, what I've discovered about the recovery process (for myself) is that it can give you your perspective back. That sometimes you want to live your life in a way that is you, because you start to value who you are (or learn about who you are). I've lived so much of my life in the ways of others, but now I think it's time to step back and look at things. I love Sociology, Psychology, and Women and Gender studies (I'll admit that trauma studies sometimes is a bit hard for me) - but as I told my mother, in the field of Sociology there are certain viewpoints that are highly consistent amongst those in the field -- viewpoints that I thoroughly don't agree with. I think it could be a very uphill battle for me to continue, as a result.

I've seen the world, I've been in the military, I've lived life frugally and comfortably both as a child (my parents went from not having much at all to being able to buy me everything I wanted...) and as an adult... I've experienced a lot of life events. Consequently,  I have a pretty good idea of what I believe in and don't based upon those experiences and what I've seen. I think that's why I can describe myself as a hippie with Republican tendencies (and a little Reagan on the side) and have that be an accurate representation. Because my ideas and beliefs are pieced together on what I feel inside. I'm neither liberal or conservative. I'm just me. I'm okay with that... and I'm not sure putting myself in the position that I currently am finding myself in (in various Sociological courses) is the right thing for me to be doing, regardless of what I think of the discipline (Sociology) itself.

Besides, instead of observing people living life... I think I might find just as much fun living it.

Recovery isn't about regaining who you once were... but rather finding yourself as you are at present. Let it be me. Let my life be me.

 The last time I was in a wedding - keeping it classy... always ;)

{ photo credit :: Rachel Pierson currently of Alanna Photography }