Yoga Saved Me.

I first discovered yoga many years ago as an undergrad in college, but at the time it didn't stick.  It wasn't fast enough for me and the thought of looking inside my mind in any real way was utterly petrifying.

We again met up many years later when I was looking to try something new to find relief from the stress of teaching.  I had never tried Bikram yoga and thought I would give it a go.  What did I have to lose?  Even if I didn't like it I figured the calorie torching aspect of it would be a positive and ED loved that!

That was the start of what was to be a journey inside, at first a glimpse that something still wasn't right.  I was forced to face myself when I entered that hot little room and I didn't like what I saw.  At first it was just the exterior, but my rational mind knew that wasn't really it.

The truth was much deeper than that.

Within 3 months of starting a regular practice I turned a corner.  I left my job and entered a full-time day treatment program.  Yoga had offered me a safe way to start to look inside and begin to discover myself.

Without yoga I don't' know that I would have ever come to that point of really being ready to recover.  I would still be in the vicious cycle that had persisted for 14-years.

Yoga is now my life and my passion.  I no longer practice Bikram yoga and wouldn't recommend that style to those in recovery, but I practice and teach almost daily and am working towards becoming a yoga therapist to work with those with eating disorders.

Yoga offers a new way to see the world; a safe place to be Hannah and to be strong and healthy.  It fills the space of sickness and the tunnel vision of eating disorders.  I can see beyond myself and know that no matter what I am more than my body, than food, than any number.

Have you unrolled your mat yet?

Navigating the Grocery Store via The Dandelion Girl

IMAGE CREDIT :: Help For Eating Disorders

"I have never been a good grocery shopper… it might be because I’ve never done it without having an eating disorder as it started prior to me having my driver’s license… As a result I’ve done the eating disorder dance through the aisles many many times. Factor in that grocery stores sell certain pills that I have a history of abusing and it makes a difficult situation sometimes.

Some interesting facts from the interweb:
Dr. Norton conducted an online survey concerning grocery shopping. 125 people with eating disorders responded and the following was discovered:

• 75.2%  debate whether or not to purchase each particular item
• 44.4% find themselves fantasizing about binging on certain foods while grocery shopping
• 30.1% spend more than they can afford on food

Clearly I’m not the only one with difficulties… and so I am going to list some things that I’ve personally found helpful " read more here

 Excerpt taken from The Dandelion Girl

My Happy Place

hi!

I didnt post last week, i was busy moving house. i was living in central Wellington city, the capital city of New Zealand. I have moved one hour north to the Kapiti Coast. I live right by the beach now

It is incredible how much environmental factors influence behaviour and thoughts. I remember when I got married up here, in February 2009 and we stayed at the beach for a week after, I thought to myself that if I lived up here I could be free, peaceful and rid of this disorder. I felt like I was recovered for that week I stayed up here, before going back home to the chaos. Now I live up here and am breathing the sea air and feeling the open space around me. I don't feel trapped and I don't feel like my past is around every corner waiting for me. Obviously moving here didn't magically cure my ED - that is a work in progress, but I do feel the freedom I was longing for all this time.

A few of the reasons I love being here

• the trees out the front are perfect for hanging chimes and sun catchers in
• at night time, when it is a really windy night, I can't always tell if it is the wind or the roaring ocean i can hear
• there are no high-rises here, the sky is so huge I can see blazing sunsets followed by starry nights and giant rising moons
• my view is of Kapiti island and when I see the sky changing colour I can walk down my street to the beach to catch it
• I can walk to therapy without it being considered excessive
• I have a room just for my fairies!
• there are parks with Pukekos all around me
• the soil is sandy and the grass is springy
• people have Norfolk pine trees on their properties and at Christmas time the streets are red with Pohutuhawa trees
• I have a back yard and a front yard with a big wide deck which is always warm and I can't wait to sunbathe on
• there are high fences that make me feel safe
• I can lay down and feel relaxed and peaceful and calm
• Kapiti island is always changing
• some of my oldest friends live around the corner, and I now live right between my two closest friends. So much closer to my sis.
• Stellar has carpet to roll about on and cupboards to hide in
• I can set up and leave out my sewing machine and learn to sew. I can paint and I have a workshop to smash things and make mosaic madness
• there is so much here to explore. I lived in wellington for 25 years, it is time for somewhere new and a quieter more peaceful life

I have loved the ocean and the beach for so long now. I love how huge and vast the ocean is. It puts life into perspective. It puts my problems and my worries and my anxiety into perspective. It is so calming and so ominous and ever changing. It humbles me and inspires me. This is my safe place, my peaceful place, my happy place.

Where is your happy place? Where do you feel safe or peaceful or loved?

xoxo Serra & Stellar

I'm okay. I'm fine. I feel fat.

 (photo credit to nobody-but-me)

Okay, so I had absolutely NO idea what to write about today (for tomorrow)... and I decided I would go for a run. It started sprinkling half-way through my first iPod song... I kept running, when I got about to the halfway point it started pouring,  right when Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" started making its way to my ears my shoulder popped (I've had two shoulder surgeries and so running is a touch and go sport), and by the end of that song it had popped again resulting in walking. It was at this point when it was still pouring that a police officer driving by asked me if I needed a ride and I told him that magical phrase, "I'm okay"

Let's think about this. It's pouring rain, it's thundering, I'm about a fifteen minute walk from my home and my shoulder keeps popping every time I try to run. Yet, I'm proclaiming that I am okay to a police officer who offered me a ride.

This phrase also commonly shows up at the end of my therapy sessions (actually, if I'm being honest, I'd say nearly every session) - "I'm always okay. seriously."

So what did I really mean when I said that to the police officer? I was telling him that I didn't actually have a problem (aka I'm not weak), that I didn't need help (aka I can help myself), and that I did not want to impose on him or put him out.

In saying the phrase a lie is forming - not only between yourself and who you say it to... but also to yourself. You're burying the problem at hand.. ignoring it... hoping it will solve itself - refusing to deal with the issue.  (I also think the phrase can mean that we wish for help to seek us - that we want to know who really cares based on who will challenge that statement)

This burial will present problems later on (me having to walk 15 minutes in the pouring rain) as it will undoubtedly come to a head... Worse yet? These constant lies impact relationships. If you're "always okay" then people assume that you can get through things even when you do muster the courage to approach them with a problem.... this can be devastating... here you need people and are willing to admit it and are being dismissed...

or they know you're not okay and don't know what to do since you won't discuss it. Do you see how this could be frustrating? You're doing X,Y, and Z and yet you're saying everything is okay... repeatedly.

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I feel like I can't complete this topic without addressing "I feel fat" --- "I feel fat" is really suppressed emotions and feelings in the same way that "I'm okay/fine" is suppressed problems. You're not "feeling fat" - you're feeling things that fat represents to you. You're feeling those uncomfortable things. Whether it be frustrated, sad, angry, disjointed, confused, forlorn, exhausted, whatever... you're feeling. and that can feel, unsettling. Especially if you don't have words for those feelings - just that you are... and at that moment fat seems like a tangible stand in.

Next time you say that you're okay, you're fine, or that you feel fat -- take a moment to try to think what you really mean by that -- try to realize what all is going on inside of you and identify those emotions/feelings/etc - I think it can also probably help on the "be here now" front as you're trying to figure out what is happening within you in that moment


Try to get to know yourself, try to get to know those feelings, they are yours' after all.



===========



which brings me to something I'm going to start doing on here... to get to know myself a bit better. I know that might sound odd, but I think self discovery can be a grand thing. Arielle actually inspired this via Facebook --- also, I think this could be a good opportunity for anyone that reads to get to know me so I can break away from this mysterious Wednesday poster persona...


Warning: this may bore you, so I'll always put it at the end of my posts ;)


DAY 01: A PICTURE OF YOURSELF WITH 10 FACTS

10 Facts about Me:

1) I love pretty food... a lot --- make it pretty and I'll eat at least some of it (see the amazing chocolate easter bunny picture)

2) Really big turtles scare me... or rather creep me out - even pictures of them. When I went to Disney World in college, we went to Epcot's Coral Reef restaurant and sat next to an aquarium wall.. unfortunately there was a massive turtle right next to me the whole time. No bueno...

3) I was born in Upper Heyford, England (aka Oxfordshire) and have since lived in Mississippi, Washington state, Kansas, Missouri, Indiana, Arkansas, Texas (2 locations back to back), Illinois, and am now back in Missouri.

4) In the fall, I try to eat something pumpkin every single day.

5) I want to work in a group home some day

6) I have a weird habit of dropping coins on the ground -- I remember how much it would excite me as a kid to find money

7) I only listen to CDs, talk radio, or country radio in my car.... why? I like consistency and I can guarantee the ability to listen to any of those three in any state.

8) I know how to make balloon animals

9)  I keep peppermints in my car for when I see homeless people... I try to give them $1 and a peppermint candy --- when I worked in downtown Indianapolis I remember sharing pizza with my father and a homeless man and how the homeless man told me he hated always having bad breath - I also fully believe in having open hands

10) I honestly think I'm in a better place than I have been in a very long time (and no I don't just mean, because I'm in my amazing bed eating a banana)

city sidewalks and self care

In my therapist's office there's this funny little basket. Full of random goodies including a candle that I thank my stars she never burns (it's lavender, which is a scent that I am not exactly friends with - except for one perfume that Anthropologie used to sell), a journal, a fluffy plushie penguin, and other random objects that make her happy.

Her basket is there as an example of a self care box. The point of the box being that when you're in a good mindset, you track down things that you love, calm, and center you and put them in a box for easily accessibility when things are a little bit murkier or you're fighting an urge. That instead of having to go through the steps when you're already in that mindset of thinking of things, all you have to think to do is go to get that box.

The boxes can have candles, lotion, bubble bath, coloring books, nail polish, word searches, logic puzzles, books, playing cards, movies, a game, canned pumpkin (baking helps to calm me), whatever works for you. Consequently making every person's slightly different.

Saturday was an odd one for me as was Sunday. So I opened up a folder on my computer (hello virtual Self Care Box)  entitled, "Things I Love," which is mainly composed of pictures I've taken, quotes I love, a few ebooks, etc. It made me want to go experience something I love a lot... my city. I live in the most dangerous city in the United States supposedly, but I feel safe and secure. So I went on a walk through some of the places I love with my Nikon D80.

What would you put in your self care box?

The Home

There's a man down the street that lives in this old Victorian, covered in vines, and reminding me of Madeline. The turret has a window, but a long time ago the glass pane broke. The man never repaired it, leaving it susceptible to the world outside. Every time it rains the water gets in. Without the glass it lacks the ability to experience and feel the outside without becoming hurt and damaged. As time goes on and more rain comes and goes the water continues to come in. Each drop collecting on the wooden floorboards, forming mold, forming mildew, eating away at that house.

What was once glorious is now falling apart. The porch has seen better days. The man doesn't weed nor does he mow his grass. Times got really tough for the man and he was having problems dealing with it all... all this emotional turmoil building up. A metaphor between him and his home starting to develop. One day a man knocked on his door, offering to help him out in exchange for housing, the old man terrified of asking friends or family for help or assistance, agreed.

At first the guy helped mow the grass and pull weeds... but he got obsessive about it and wound up ruining the yard. The damage didn't end there though. The guy that moved in became so involved and obsessed in the yard that he neglected to take care of or fix the inside of the home - the mildew and mold from the window continued to get worse. That window pane never got replaced. The man did the logical thing and tried to kick the not-so-handyman out. The handyman came back a couple of times, saying he'd changed... that he really could help... the home's owner at this point decided to get help from others to turn his home around - to help with his other problems. The handyman still continued to call, promising his ways of fixing things were the best, but eventually the handyman's pleas fell on deaf ears. That home owner was free to live his own life in his home seeking assistance from others when things became unmanageable for him.

 (both photos were taken by me on a jaunt through my neighborhood)

The man that moved in to help is like an eating disorder and the home is like each of our bodies. Homes house important things like our heart and our mind. Yet, sometimes, we get caught up and do not take proper care. We fail to realize that the body that might cause us grief or be what we perceive to be the reason for self-loathing also does many other things, regardless of its size or its shape - it allows us to hold others, to be held (if it were not there, there would be nothing to hold), it allows us to smell bon fires in the fall, to hear the crackling of the leaves under your feet which allow you to walk, it allows us to show love to significant others in a variety of ways, it allows us live.

You should embrace self love and love the one you're with - yourself.

 "When you ignore your belly, you become homeless. You spend your life trying to erase 
your own existence."  Geneen Roth

(to find out more about the self-love movement visit Voice in Recovery!)  

oh and I still haven't heard from HollyT -- email me if you're reading this!

Clothes Shopping

The thing that some women dread and some love.

For me, I work in a fitting room at a store where the attendants actually help dress the clientele. I have seen women cry, seen heated arguments between boyfriends/girlfriends and husbands/wives, women excited over outfits, women mocking outfits, but what I've never seen is a woman get excited about her body itself in the clothing.

When women put on something that looks amazing, it's the outfit that's doing the work. For instance, "Jenni those pants make your butt look amazing!" For some reason however, this does not translate to when a garment does not work wonders, "my thighs look huge." Noticed the dropped noun? The noun that the verb had previously belonged to? Now the verb belongs to the body part.... how did that happen?



I think Clinton Kelly (of What Not to Wear) did a very good job of talking about this process, so since I'm a little bit tired from last night/this morning... I'm going to let you read an article I think every woman should read.

Some highlights:

"You have to try on tons of clothes, you have to figure out what works on your body and what doesn't work on your body, and you have to pay attention to trends even if you don't adopt them all, Kelly said.

What's the worst mistake women make when dressing?
Trying to copy another person with a different body type, coloring, style or age. "I tell women: Stop comparing yourself to other women. To look at another woman and pick her apart feature by feature and get down on yourself because your features don't compare to hers is a mistake, especially if you're looking at a photo in a magazine. I know what happens to a woman before and after she's photographed. There's a team of people ... a TEAM of people who make that happen ... hair, makeup, lightning director and then there's the Photoshop guy. They turn a real-life person into an unrealistic person.

 Women have to stop seeing models as examples of perfect beauty.

What are my own thoughts based on my time in a fitting room?

NEVER get upset with yourself if a garment does not fit - bring in a size larger and a size smaller (I almost always suggest people try on a couple of sizes so they can find the one that truly is right for them) - sizes vary a lot (mainly due to branding and cut of the garment) so it's highly probable unless you always buy dresses from that store or that brand that you may need another size... Also I recommend doing this originally. I've found that women are embarrassed to do ask for a different size once in the dressing room and some women refuse to at all...  (don't be embarrassed by the way! it's far better to have clothes FIT you)

That bring me into, buying clothing that fits. Fitting is not loosy goosy. nor is it super tight. It's where it looks tailored, but breathable -- this is another reason I suggest bringing in multiple garments -- wearing clothes that do not fit can lead to a skewed body image. I know that this occurs with all body types. It may feel odd at first if you're not used to clothing fitting well or touching your body, so I definitely suggest easing into it... but in the long run it's a good thing. For me it's made me more connected with my body. I've gotten to know it and understand how to make it look its best with my clothing choices. What clothes make me feel beautiful, because I know I look good wearing them. I NEVER buy anything that's too small with hopes of fitting into it. You should be embracing and celebrating your current body shape when you go shopping.

I am an absolute firm believer that no matter your weight, shape, build, and body type you can find clothes that look great on you by working with you. You are beautiful and you deserve to feel beautiful when you get dressed.

hey everyone, its friday again! thank goodness!

i was reading back through a forum i post on and found a couple of things i wrote or posted over a year ago... back when i was learning to like myself again. i thought i would share these with you. the first is something i wrote about positive vs negative self talk, and the second piece i did not write but when my therapist shared it with me i almost cried.

something i am guilty of and i know many others are too is the negative self talk. the beating ourselves up. the i hate this and that, im a bitch, you know, all the nasty stuff. add the expletives in to suit

but its really not helpful, and like everything practise makes perfect, so the more we do it, the more it reinforces the negative thoughts.

now i know that saying nice or positive things about ourselves often feels impossible and i think thats quite a common issue that goes along with eating disorders.

i said recently to one of my therapists that for me to say i like myself, i like my body, i am a nice person feels so absurd and uncomfortable. it feels like a completely terrible and stupid and unforgivable thing to say that goes against everything i stand for

but we have to start somewhere and keep practising even though it feels so silly. you dont have to actually believe what you are saying, as long as you keep saying it, and replace those negatives with something neutral at least, or even better something positive. i know i can feel impossible to say positive things, im still working on it and my homework from therapy was to start replacing the negatives with neutrals - i hate my body can become im learning to accept my body. i still cant say i love my body, but im trying to stop the negatives

positive self-talk will eventually become reinforced and hopefully become positive feelings...

please people dont tell yourselves you are a bitch or evil or ugly or a pig or deserving of bad things... even if you truly believe these bad things, even if they are at the core of how you feel and its what you sincerely believe about yourselves, remember its not helpful and you have to stop actually saying/writing these things and replace them with something less negative or better yet something neutral or even better yet something positive

practice makes perfect, and as completely insane as it feels, we have to practice positive self-talk in order to reinforce it

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This little story teaches us that, no matter what happens and how we are bashed up, we remain valuable as individuals. Don’t you ever forget that.

The $20 Bill (Story)

Source Unknown

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?”

Hands started going up.

He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you, but first, let me do this.”

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, “Who still wants it?”

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, “What if I do this?”

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

“Now, who still wants it?”

Still the hands went into the air.

“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20,” he said.

“Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.”

“But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.”

“The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special - Don’t EVER forget it.”
_________________

xoxo serra