Oh Wow, This Is Really Happening Now!

As I said last week, I’ve been doing rather well in my recovery but have been somewhat stuck in limbo for quite some time.

There have been a lot of ‘one step forward, two back’ moments with often a feeling of utter despair and frustration.

Recovery is something I have wanted for such a long time, it’s just seemed completely out of reach for me at times, even with all the determination and support I have.

Until now.

This past week I have more moments of what I like to think of as

‘ Becoming Me’

than ever before.

And it’s these precious moments I want to share with you

~

I stepped out of the doctors the other day after going for my weekly monitoring and was battling with some pretty messed up eating disordered thoughts in my head.

Then I noticed my bus was approaching so, without thinking and what one would do naturally, I ran for it.

It was only as I reached the bus stop did I realise what I just done.

I had run for my bus.

And I didn’t feel like crap for it!

Instead I had felt power and strength in my legs and air in my lungs.

And for once I didn’t miss my bus!

This realisation completely dissipated any stupid thoughts I’d previously had!

~

I sat down with a bowl of strawberries and ice cream the other night and after nearly finishing the ice cream, almost without thinking I went to the freezer to get some more.

I will admit, I stopped at the door and a wee bit of panic set in with old stories playing in my head but after only a few minutes I got the tub out, scooped some out, sat back down, ate it, enjoyed it and carried on with my evening :o)

~

Last night I went back for seconds at dinner with only slight hesitation. Instead of listening to the lies in my head I listened to truth in my body and it was still hungry.

~

Of a morning, instead of feeling groggy and drugged (metaphorically speaking of course!) when I awake, I felt fresh & vibrant, excited about the day ahead.

~

When I look in the mirror these days, although not yet truly happy with what the image I see, I am slowly beginning learn to love me. And I welcome the changes my body is going through.

My eyes have a sparkle to them I’ve not seen for a very long time.

~

And it was as I walked along with my gorgeous dog that I suddenly realised that this is real. This is really happening now. I am really in recovery. Not floating along, just scraping by or stuck in the abyss.

I am becoming me.

I have power in my legs, hope in my heart, strength in my being & fire in my belly.

It feels amazing and I feel fantastic.

And whilst I know that this journey is not yet over, nor will it suddenly become easy, I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and I know I am truly on my way back to life now.

Recovery is a long and winding road but leads to a beautiful destination-

It brings you home.

It is real and it is possible. Not only for me but for you too.

I'll be waiting for you at the front door to welcome you home soon.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Power Within

(photo credit to Pearl's Sentimental Journey and of course MGM Studios) 

"Recall the climax of the movie version of The Wizard of Oz. Glenda, the Good Witch of the North, reminds Dorothy that she is wearing the magic red slippers. Indeed, she has had them on her feet during her entire stay in Oz but has simply not been aware of their power! By clicking her heels, Dorothy can return home at any point. Similarly, we all carry more power within ourselves to effect change and survive tumult than we give ourselves credit for having. Like Dorothy, we must all remember that we wear our own pair of ruby slippers."

-Kathryn Zerbe, The Body Betrayed

Hope you have a lovely weekend and manage to incorporate some "me time" ask what you can do for yourself...

- I plan on riding my bike to the Farmers' Market -

Inspired by Serra -- my happy place.

when i was growing up my happy place was my closet. whenever we moved we usually moved into base housing (a couple of exceptions) which in the 80s and 90s all looked very cookie cutter. So every time we moved my closet was the same. a small rectangle with a wooden shelf at the top. Whenever I would feel unsafe or unsettled I would climb on a nearby desk, dresser, or chair and hoist myself up to that top shelf. sit there. curl up there. and wait it out.

in high school i would go to my walk-in closet when i got unsettled as well... if i was extremely afraid i would lock myself in my bathroom and pretend to take a bath. it made me feel untouchable.

now i am an adult. i live in 1200sf apartment with a roommate and for the first time in a long time i feel safe in my own home. in the process of creating this safe environment, i've also created something else... something Serra discussed her last post -- a happy place.

Without further ado, I bring to you my happy place... my bedroom (no surprise there probably)

 

That is my little wooden piggy bank that I love... I got him at an antique store - I went in to get a nightstand and walked out with a 3 tier stand/jewelry holder and him... The shadow box on the shelf above it (by my wedges) was made for me one Christmas by a friend of mine.

And this is my bed (and part of my nightstand)... it's pretty high up (31" from the top of my mattress to the floor)... and the bedding comes from my all time favorite store - Anthropologie -- the duvet is the Crowned Crane which has little wooden flowers in the middle of all those tucks and the pillowcases come from the love letter set (minus the green pillow case and the dust ruffle which I had to special order due to the insane drop).

Where there is now a pink folding chair will soon be a chaise lounge. I made the curtain... and I strung up twine on the wall and used clothespins to hang up various vintage photographs along with a postcard and two photographic prints. On the middle line I also have various letters and cards that people have written me. Ones that made me smile upon receiving. That drawing depicting the phrase, "love your tree" always makes me smile. Oh and I love wine bottles - too bad you can't see the penguin wine bottle :(

You can tell how high up my bed is in this picture though... What looks like very minimal space due to seeing my bed in the picture (this was taken from the corner of my bed) is actually about 10 feet of empty floor space

My favorite piece of artwork ever. LeilaniJoy is absolutely amazing. I love her interpretation of Swan Lake

This is my happy place, because it's mine and I feel like I created the space in a way. I picked it all out myself (minus a brown wardrobe that my landlady has in the room as a requirement since the room has no actual closet) and let it organically unfold... things were purchased over a duration of time... and my room resulted.

I think creating your own space can allow you to both nurture and to discover yourself. Surround yourself with things that make you happy or remind you of happy times. That make you feel comforted and help to create an environment that allows you to feel safe to be yourself.

Anyways, that's my happy place. Where is your happy place?

Oh and P.S. two things:
1) tomorrow I will be in Chicago for Generation Mirror's first annual spring fundraiser, so expect a REALLY late post! sorry!!

2) Project "Me Time" is going well. Obviously with the trip to Chicago and all.. and I managed to go to the Farmers' Market... and to fit in a date and a hummus making adventure with Chris --- still working on the canopy though...

My Happy Place

hi!

I didnt post last week, i was busy moving house. i was living in central Wellington city, the capital city of New Zealand. I have moved one hour north to the Kapiti Coast. I live right by the beach now

It is incredible how much environmental factors influence behaviour and thoughts. I remember when I got married up here, in February 2009 and we stayed at the beach for a week after, I thought to myself that if I lived up here I could be free, peaceful and rid of this disorder. I felt like I was recovered for that week I stayed up here, before going back home to the chaos. Now I live up here and am breathing the sea air and feeling the open space around me. I don't feel trapped and I don't feel like my past is around every corner waiting for me. Obviously moving here didn't magically cure my ED - that is a work in progress, but I do feel the freedom I was longing for all this time.

A few of the reasons I love being here

• the trees out the front are perfect for hanging chimes and sun catchers in
• at night time, when it is a really windy night, I can't always tell if it is the wind or the roaring ocean i can hear
• there are no high-rises here, the sky is so huge I can see blazing sunsets followed by starry nights and giant rising moons
• my view is of Kapiti island and when I see the sky changing colour I can walk down my street to the beach to catch it
• I can walk to therapy without it being considered excessive
• I have a room just for my fairies!
• there are parks with Pukekos all around me
• the soil is sandy and the grass is springy
• people have Norfolk pine trees on their properties and at Christmas time the streets are red with Pohutuhawa trees
• I have a back yard and a front yard with a big wide deck which is always warm and I can't wait to sunbathe on
• there are high fences that make me feel safe
• I can lay down and feel relaxed and peaceful and calm
• Kapiti island is always changing
• some of my oldest friends live around the corner, and I now live right between my two closest friends. So much closer to my sis.
• Stellar has carpet to roll about on and cupboards to hide in
• I can set up and leave out my sewing machine and learn to sew. I can paint and I have a workshop to smash things and make mosaic madness
• there is so much here to explore. I lived in wellington for 25 years, it is time for somewhere new and a quieter more peaceful life

I have loved the ocean and the beach for so long now. I love how huge and vast the ocean is. It puts life into perspective. It puts my problems and my worries and my anxiety into perspective. It is so calming and so ominous and ever changing. It humbles me and inspires me. This is my safe place, my peaceful place, my happy place.

Where is your happy place? Where do you feel safe or peaceful or loved?

xoxo Serra & Stellar

city sidewalks and self care

In my therapist's office there's this funny little basket. Full of random goodies including a candle that I thank my stars she never burns (it's lavender, which is a scent that I am not exactly friends with - except for one perfume that Anthropologie used to sell), a journal, a fluffy plushie penguin, and other random objects that make her happy.

Her basket is there as an example of a self care box. The point of the box being that when you're in a good mindset, you track down things that you love, calm, and center you and put them in a box for easily accessibility when things are a little bit murkier or you're fighting an urge. That instead of having to go through the steps when you're already in that mindset of thinking of things, all you have to think to do is go to get that box.

The boxes can have candles, lotion, bubble bath, coloring books, nail polish, word searches, logic puzzles, books, playing cards, movies, a game, canned pumpkin (baking helps to calm me), whatever works for you. Consequently making every person's slightly different.

Saturday was an odd one for me as was Sunday. So I opened up a folder on my computer (hello virtual Self Care Box)  entitled, "Things I Love," which is mainly composed of pictures I've taken, quotes I love, a few ebooks, etc. It made me want to go experience something I love a lot... my city. I live in the most dangerous city in the United States supposedly, but I feel safe and secure. So I went on a walk through some of the places I love with my Nikon D80.

What would you put in your self care box?

The Home

There's a man down the street that lives in this old Victorian, covered in vines, and reminding me of Madeline. The turret has a window, but a long time ago the glass pane broke. The man never repaired it, leaving it susceptible to the world outside. Every time it rains the water gets in. Without the glass it lacks the ability to experience and feel the outside without becoming hurt and damaged. As time goes on and more rain comes and goes the water continues to come in. Each drop collecting on the wooden floorboards, forming mold, forming mildew, eating away at that house.

What was once glorious is now falling apart. The porch has seen better days. The man doesn't weed nor does he mow his grass. Times got really tough for the man and he was having problems dealing with it all... all this emotional turmoil building up. A metaphor between him and his home starting to develop. One day a man knocked on his door, offering to help him out in exchange for housing, the old man terrified of asking friends or family for help or assistance, agreed.

At first the guy helped mow the grass and pull weeds... but he got obsessive about it and wound up ruining the yard. The damage didn't end there though. The guy that moved in became so involved and obsessed in the yard that he neglected to take care of or fix the inside of the home - the mildew and mold from the window continued to get worse. That window pane never got replaced. The man did the logical thing and tried to kick the not-so-handyman out. The handyman came back a couple of times, saying he'd changed... that he really could help... the home's owner at this point decided to get help from others to turn his home around - to help with his other problems. The handyman still continued to call, promising his ways of fixing things were the best, but eventually the handyman's pleas fell on deaf ears. That home owner was free to live his own life in his home seeking assistance from others when things became unmanageable for him.

 (both photos were taken by me on a jaunt through my neighborhood)

The man that moved in to help is like an eating disorder and the home is like each of our bodies. Homes house important things like our heart and our mind. Yet, sometimes, we get caught up and do not take proper care. We fail to realize that the body that might cause us grief or be what we perceive to be the reason for self-loathing also does many other things, regardless of its size or its shape - it allows us to hold others, to be held (if it were not there, there would be nothing to hold), it allows us to smell bon fires in the fall, to hear the crackling of the leaves under your feet which allow you to walk, it allows us to show love to significant others in a variety of ways, it allows us live.

You should embrace self love and love the one you're with - yourself.

 "When you ignore your belly, you become homeless. You spend your life trying to erase 
your own existence."  Geneen Roth

(to find out more about the self-love movement visit Voice in Recovery!)  

oh and I still haven't heard from HollyT -- email me if you're reading this!