As I said last week, I’ve been doing rather well in my recovery but have been somewhat stuck in limbo for quite some time.
There have been a lot of ‘one step forward, two back’ moments with often a feeling of utter despair and frustration.
Recovery is something I have wanted for such a long time, it’s just seemed completely out of reach for me at times, even with all the determination and support I have.
This past week I have more moments of what I like to think of as
‘ Becoming Me’
than ever before.
And it’s these precious moments I want to share with you
I stepped out of the doctors the other day after going for my weekly monitoring and was battling with some pretty messed up eating disordered thoughts in my head.
Then I noticed my bus was approaching so, without thinking and what one would do naturally, I ran for it.
It was only as I reached the bus stop did I realise what I just done.
I had run for my bus.
And I didn’t feel like crap for it!
Instead I had felt power and strength in my legs and air in my lungs.
And for once I didn’t miss my bus!
This realisation completely dissipated any stupid thoughts I’d previously had!
I sat down with a bowl of strawberries and ice cream the other night and after nearly finishing the ice cream, almost without thinking I went to the freezer to get some more.
I will admit, I stopped at the door and a wee bit of panic set in with old stories playing in my head but after only a few minutes I got the tub out, scooped some out, sat back down, ate it, enjoyed it and carried on with my evening :o)
Last night I went back for seconds at dinner with only slight hesitation. Instead of listening to the lies in my head I listened to truth in my body and it was still hungry.
Of a morning, instead of feeling groggy and drugged (metaphorically speaking of course!) when I awake, I felt fresh & vibrant, excited about the day ahead.
When I look in the mirror these days, although not yet truly happy with what the image I see, I am slowly beginning learn to love me. And I welcome the changes my body is going through.
My eyes have a sparkle to them I’ve not seen for a very long time.
And it was as I walked along with my gorgeous dog that I suddenly realised that this is real. This is really happening now. I am really in recovery. Not floating along, just scraping by or stuck in the abyss.
I am becoming me.
I have power in my legs, hope in my heart, strength in my being & fire in my belly.
It feels amazing and I feel fantastic.
And whilst I know that this journey is not yet over, nor will it suddenly become easy, I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and I know I am truly on my way back to life now.
Recovery is a long and winding road but leads to a beautiful destination-
It brings you home.
It is real and it is possible. Not only for me but for you too.
I'll be waiting for you at the front door to welcome you home soon.
With Much Love, Smiles & Support,