Oh Wow, This Is Really Happening Now!

As I said last week, I’ve been doing rather well in my recovery but have been somewhat stuck in limbo for quite some time.

There have been a lot of ‘one step forward, two back’ moments with often a feeling of utter despair and frustration.

Recovery is something I have wanted for such a long time, it’s just seemed completely out of reach for me at times, even with all the determination and support I have.

Until now.

This past week I have more moments of what I like to think of as

‘ Becoming Me’

than ever before.

And it’s these precious moments I want to share with you

~

I stepped out of the doctors the other day after going for my weekly monitoring and was battling with some pretty messed up eating disordered thoughts in my head.

Then I noticed my bus was approaching so, without thinking and what one would do naturally, I ran for it.

It was only as I reached the bus stop did I realise what I just done.

I had run for my bus.

And I didn’t feel like crap for it!

Instead I had felt power and strength in my legs and air in my lungs.

And for once I didn’t miss my bus!

This realisation completely dissipated any stupid thoughts I’d previously had!

~

I sat down with a bowl of strawberries and ice cream the other night and after nearly finishing the ice cream, almost without thinking I went to the freezer to get some more.

I will admit, I stopped at the door and a wee bit of panic set in with old stories playing in my head but after only a few minutes I got the tub out, scooped some out, sat back down, ate it, enjoyed it and carried on with my evening :o)

~

Last night I went back for seconds at dinner with only slight hesitation. Instead of listening to the lies in my head I listened to truth in my body and it was still hungry.

~

Of a morning, instead of feeling groggy and drugged (metaphorically speaking of course!) when I awake, I felt fresh & vibrant, excited about the day ahead.

~

When I look in the mirror these days, although not yet truly happy with what the image I see, I am slowly beginning learn to love me. And I welcome the changes my body is going through.

My eyes have a sparkle to them I’ve not seen for a very long time.

~

And it was as I walked along with my gorgeous dog that I suddenly realised that this is real. This is really happening now. I am really in recovery. Not floating along, just scraping by or stuck in the abyss.

I am becoming me.

I have power in my legs, hope in my heart, strength in my being & fire in my belly.

It feels amazing and I feel fantastic.

And whilst I know that this journey is not yet over, nor will it suddenly become easy, I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and I know I am truly on my way back to life now.

Recovery is a long and winding road but leads to a beautiful destination-

It brings you home.

It is real and it is possible. Not only for me but for you too.

I'll be waiting for you at the front door to welcome you home soon.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Breaking The Cycle- Choosing Life

I wrote up todays blog post last night and was going through it this morning when I realised I actually had something else I wanted to talk about and the title say’s it all. The reason for changing my post came when I’d eaten breakfast and was still hungry but felt unable to have anything more.

I have spent many years hiding away and denying myself life. Not only by depriving myself the food to fuel my life but by being so hard on myself that I’ve been simply unable to enjoy life.

So my question is- when is enough enough? What does it take to finally break free from the vicious cycle your eating disorder entraps you in and start embracing life?

Is it when you are still hungry after breakfast? Is it when you look at your beautiful Mother and see just how tired and worried she is? Is it when you hear the devastating news that someone you knew lost their battle to their eating disorder? Is it when you have a cardiologist appointment because your latest ECG results showed abnormalities?

Whatever it is for you, when it comes grab it and hold onto it.

Next comes the difficult task of actually doing it though. It’s all very well to talk the talk but you need to be walking the walk too. I am guilty of not. I have said many time’s ‘I will do this then’ ‘when x happens, I’ll do y’ but sometimes the fear of change grips you so tightly that you can often feel stuck. Stuck and just going round and round in circles. But after a while you will get dizzy and you will get sick.

The fact is you can keep doing what you’re doing. You can choose not to challenge yourself and ‘play it safe’… But I ask you, why would you do that if what you’ve been doing has been making you miserable, ill and exhausted?

Start small if you need. Every step counts. If you have always stuck to the same food for breakfast, challenge yourself and have something new. Or if you’ve been too afraid to start seeing a therapist, make the phone call you need to start the process.

The more times you challenge your fears, the more steps you take, the easier it will get. And it also feels good! Last week I took myself off to a café and ate lunch alone. Was it scary? Yes… Did I manage it? Yes! How did it feel? Amazing! Will I do it again? You bet! And the food was yummy too :o)

There has to come a point when you step up to your eating disorder, stare it straight in ‘the eye’ and yell at the top of your lungs “I CHOOSE LIFE!” It is your life, it is your future, and it’s time to take it back. As I said in one of my first posts ‘There is so much more to life than this”…..

Recovery isn’t easy. It isn’t comfortable. It is painful. It can be a lengthy process, but it is worth it. This I promise you.

So, step up today, challenge yourself and fight back. Break the cycle- Choose Life!

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got" ~Henry Ford

With Much Love, Smile & Support,

Hanna xx