Parents Getting it Wrong

 PHOTO CREDIT TO DR. KATHLEEN YOUNG

Author's Note: This post may prove controversial... keep in mind this is just my belief and that this is relating to verbal abuse.

So, I was looking at the post over at Nourishing the Soul that I recommended in my last post  and the last comment stuck out to me... or rather the end of it did.

think this is why I subconsciously chose not to have children – I was so scared to get it wrong like my parents did.

 The part in bold is what I want to focus on. This part was in reference to saying things to children that wind up having negative impact later on in life. Not about physical things, rather the verbal.

The bolded part left me feeling odd. I feel when someone "gets it wrong" the right choice or way is clearly evident and that they have had access to the knowledge to know the difference between the two. When you take a test in school, you're being held accountable for things you are supposed to know. You can get it wrong if you didn't pay attention or chose not to listen to what the right answers are. However, you had access to the right answers before the test. You were given the knowledge you would need to know.

I don't think that's the case with verbal abuse and while I do think wrongs are being committed, I'm not sure it's a case of parents getting it wrong

I don't believe any parents wants to factor into their child having an eating disorder, engaging in self-injurious behavior, having suicidal ideations, being depressed, or anything of the like by saying careless things. I think at that moment in time they're doing what they think will work or is acceptable - resulting in them saying things that might have lingering effects.

Consequently, I don't think placing blame on my parents for getting it wrong will take me any further in my life as I'm not sure that even saying that they got it wrong is fair.

So what do I think the problem is?  

I firmly believe that it is education, or lack thereof.

I think wider spread education of the power of words needs to take place. Wider spread education about the power of any size action needs to take place. I think education in general needs to take place.

We often hear about child abuse. When I used to work at a dental clinic we were all told the signs to look for -- bruises in odd places,  stories of falls by parents that don't match up with the injuries, cowering, among other things --- all things that are linked to physical abuse. Verbal abuse (though it can be just as, if not more so, damaging) gets a lot less talk time. I believe that's where a huge part of the problem lies.

Parents may know that beating their child is wrong from having been told that in school when they're young, by the news, by the media, by activism groups, and by campaign ads, but since verbal abuse is generally not covered by those outlets parents may not truly believe that telling their child they're worthless is a form of abuse. They may wind up changing one out for the other... instead of being physically abusive they may rely on verbal abuse to get their message across...  perhaps even offering up the phrase, "quit crying. You think this abuse? You don't know what abuse is. Keep crying and I can show you what abuse is."

If we start to educate people on verbal abuse, what it entails, and its consequences at least part of the problem will be corrected. I think this education is paramount. Not only for parents, but also for people in general. We all have the power of saying something that can contribute to making someone feel like they are less than. We also have the same power not to... we just have to know that we have this power. That our words do as well.

I'm curious as to your thoughts on this topic.. or rather discussion piece...

the process of becoming whole

 (photo credit: me circa 2008 --- wow...)

as I've mentioned before I recently came back from a three day trip to Chicago.  Before I left I was losing weight - enough to get me out of what I truly believe IS my set point range (which is oddly enough right in the middle of what's considered a healthy BMI range for my height --- so I was still within what's perceived as healthy by physicians - I still say take BMI with a grain of salt though hence my mention of set point first) - then I went to Chicago got back on track and came home only to find myself having issues with the thing that I often do... The ability to be here now - thus causing me some problems these past few days.

What was it that Chicago did  to me?

What was it that it allowed me to feel?

I felt whole. I talked with people about life, about the store Anthropologie (holla Kristine from strangeBird), about college to the guy that flirted with me at Starbucks, to proving I can get along on my own by hailing a taxi/running the streets in the morning hours, to proving that friends can be great assets to have along (especially on public transit trains after good pizza -- without purging -- and cosmopolitans), that I could be with myself and be okay with that. That I could be connected with myself while running instead of disconnecting and dissociating. All of these things helped form a WHOLE person, rather than a person whose mind is focused on one or two things only.
We oftentimes think to ourselves that we want to be happy. I don't think that's what I want though... I think I want to retain that sensation I felt in Chicago - that sensation I think contributed to the contentment and then happiness that I felt there. The two concepts (happiness and wholeness) I believe are two completely different ideas.

I think feeling whole is what recovery looks like. Being thankful for those things about yourself that you do have that do allow you to do amazing things, or simple things. Being whole enough to focus on all aspects of your life (including emotions) rather than trying to color them in with black and pretending they don't exist. Being whole felt really good in Chicago. I think I want to do more than just visit that feeling.

I'm not going to say I know how to get there as I don't... I got there in Chicago via a road uncertain to me.... and lost that path upon my return home. I think having the ability to nourish your whole self (and by nature of that staying mindful) is paramount to getting there though.


What do you think is part of feeling whole? Have you ever felt whole before? Am I completely off base?

State Of Love And Trust

Hurray, it's Monday again! For me this is usually the begining to a shameful week, my GP appointments are pretty much every Monday morning and have been every week for the past 2 months. This stops now, because I'll be seeing her every 3 weeks and just continue seeing my care co-ordinator every week instead. This, the disorder, robs you of a life. It steals your social life, right before your eyes - bam - your week is full of appointments with little time to spare.

People often speculate why eating disorders occour; it's thought that people just simply don't eat to keep slim. Personally, I think there's more behind it and so does my counsiller. Maybe not for everyone, but for me it could be about self esteem. Maybe. Researchers come up with all kinds of reasons, from genes to traumatic events which take place in early childhood. Counsilling sessions can be filled tracing back to horrific bullying in high school to an average day out with your family when you were as young as eight. Family histories can be traced back for centuries, digging into the depths of my great great grandmothers natural build and if my mothers sister had an eating disorder too. Then there is the media. The photo's of blatantly airbrushed models we see in probably hundreds of images per week, theories of how to achieve the unattainable size zero printed everywhere in magazines along with the latest fad diet; usually a couple of pound loss with the help of sending your body into starvation mode. The suspicions of relation to childhood abuse and sexual tendancies pops up in an occasional conversation, if you're heterosexual or homosexual is questioned and if you used to play with toy cars or barbies as a child.

Speculation. I was sat in Starbucks yesterday, sipping on my Hazelnut Latte on the sofa, when I noticed a woman sat infront of me just kept starring. Looking me up and down with mixed looks across her face. I was completely baffled, I couldn't concentrate on my book. All i wanted to know was.. what is she thinking? What could possibly be so fascinating about me? Why does she keep glancing my way? Everyone wants to know about other people, everyone speculates and everyone passes judgement in one form or another. That never changes. However, we can change how we cope with this, how we deal and how we accept that this is simply human nature. People are curious. I'm curious. I want to know about other people and I want to know what other people think about me. What i'm trying to say is... we really shouldn't care. We can't possibly know what someone else is thinking unless they just tell us, so why should we let someone elses thoughts consume us? We shouldn't. We should be happy within ourselves. We should look at our bodies and say "Hey.. i like that", regardless of what anyone else will think or say. I think challenging this, challenging your thought process is a huge part in recovery, it has to be tackled at one point or another.

So I challenge you, next time you're walking down the street and you think someone is giving you a look or just starring, instead of wondering what they're thinking, panicing or thinking the worst case scenario.. just stop. Stop the negativity, remind yourself that you are beautiful, maybe they like your shoes, maybe they like your hair, even so.. they're human, they're curious and you are gorgeous. Pick up what YOU want in the supermarket, try on a dress because YOU like it, walk tall.. keep your head held high, live life, care less, enjoy.