"The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

This week has been an interesting one for me (and as I'm writing this it's 11:20am on Tuesday morning). I received a packet in the mail yesterday. A packet that, for the most part, solidified the end of my slightly over three year long stint in the military (you can read more about my experience with the military and eating disorders by clicking here). It was my VA compensation packet. Though I got out during the last week of August in 2010, they have just now made a decision. One that truly validated how I felt I was treated while I was in.

I know, when I was discharged the people in Texas deemed that the military had severely aggravated my eating disorder, but having a second group of people say the same thing? It made it feel less of a fluke or chance and more real... or legitimate.

Anyways, I wound up getting a higher rating than the charts online say they give to EDNOS, but that wasn't what it was about this piece of mail that got to me. It was both the descriptors of my demeanor "absent of emotion" with a "depressed mood" however having "good insight and judgment" that I found intriguing.

If you had asked me as a child what I would be at 23 years old I would have told you that I would be old (among other things), but I don't think I would have said any of those above things. I think I would have said that I would be doing something I love. I may have had an interesting childhood, but I still believed in the power of me. It hadn't been stripped completely away.

(I was pretty BA in my shin guards, right?? Then again... I did play on a boys soccer team)

 When I was a child I thought I could conquer the world. I wanted to be a plastic surgeon, a ballet dancer, a singer, a mad scientist, a fashion designer, a professional athlete... even Amish... Occasionally I would want to be a combination of those things. You know what? I genuinely thought I could be those things. 

Somewhere along the line we forget that we are capable. Through the years people start to whittle away at this firm belief we have in and of ourselves. "You can't do that's" "You did that wrong" "Why can't you ever do things right" start to erode that solid foundation. For some it happens quicker than others... damaging varying as well, but sadly enough I think it happens to a degree to everyone.

As a child we believe that we deserve and should do things we love for a living. We let our imaginations create a future life of possibilities rather than of closed off streets. As we get older we start to let ourselves limit ourselves and let others dictate what our capabilities and rights should be. I hate to break it to you though, but this more highly educated, more life experienced older version of you isn't the correct one... I firmly believe that that child was right.

I'm currently living life differently than I ever have. I'm flowing with the river of life and while it may scare my parents, I am loving this way of doing things. Going with what feels rights in my heart. Trying not to over think things - trying to bring some of the wisdom of my younger me into today's world. Trying to get back the person that I thought I'd be by this point in my life -- my own person. I may not be there yet and it may take awhile, but I think I'm slowly starting to become that person.

ps. psssst! I HIGHLY recommend you check out this post over at Nourishing the Soul. It made me feel quite emotional (maybe even vulnerable and teary eyed) as it struck several chords and stirred up memories, but it also left me hopeful.

The non-complimentarian

"I love your dress!"
"This old thing?"

"You did such an amazing job today"
"I didn't do anything special"

"You are so beautiful"
*thinks to self* hahaha


Sound familiar?

A wine buddy of mine - the darling Kim - and I once had a conversation that made me realize conversations do not have to go that way.

"You know why I love working with you Kim? Because you're consistently nice."
"Thanks Kristie! I am nice, aren't I?"
"and I love that you can let people compliment you."
"Why shouldn't I? I am nice."

In our society through various ideologies accepting compliments have turned into taboo making us all non-complimentarians (how very Zora Neale Hurston of me) in the process. There's this bond that's being formed over this self loathing. Those that don't join in are sometimes pegged as being full of themselves or being of a narcissistic nature.

Here's the thing though. There's a difference in being a narcissist and being a friend of yourself. Kim is not a narcissist, she will be the first to tell you when she makes a mistake - the first. She won't try to hide it or push it onto someone else, but accepts it as part of herself.

Earlier this week I did an interview with Harriet Brown for Psychology Today and I referenced Kim. I was left thinking about the anecdote again last night after Generation Mirror's 1st Spring Fundraiser (sidenote: that's why I posted this Friday, but backdated it...) due, in part, to the amazing people I got to meet there (there is such a difference between a group of eating disorder activists than a group of people... even my friend Erica commented) and I think a key component is this sense of self-compassion. This ability to accept yourself when you are doing something great that is intrinsically you (ie if someone compliments on a piece of artwork you made - YOU made that artwork --- it didn't just happen) and accept that you will make mistakes and to be okay with that. We're not superheroes, we're humans. But both of those things the praiseworthy parts and the mistakes are you. Not just the negatives.



So allow yourself to be complimented. Odds are that woman that told you you were beautiful was not trying to tell you a knock-knock joke.

State Of Love And Trust

Hurray, it's Monday again! For me this is usually the begining to a shameful week, my GP appointments are pretty much every Monday morning and have been every week for the past 2 months. This stops now, because I'll be seeing her every 3 weeks and just continue seeing my care co-ordinator every week instead. This, the disorder, robs you of a life. It steals your social life, right before your eyes - bam - your week is full of appointments with little time to spare.

People often speculate why eating disorders occour; it's thought that people just simply don't eat to keep slim. Personally, I think there's more behind it and so does my counsiller. Maybe not for everyone, but for me it could be about self esteem. Maybe. Researchers come up with all kinds of reasons, from genes to traumatic events which take place in early childhood. Counsilling sessions can be filled tracing back to horrific bullying in high school to an average day out with your family when you were as young as eight. Family histories can be traced back for centuries, digging into the depths of my great great grandmothers natural build and if my mothers sister had an eating disorder too. Then there is the media. The photo's of blatantly airbrushed models we see in probably hundreds of images per week, theories of how to achieve the unattainable size zero printed everywhere in magazines along with the latest fad diet; usually a couple of pound loss with the help of sending your body into starvation mode. The suspicions of relation to childhood abuse and sexual tendancies pops up in an occasional conversation, if you're heterosexual or homosexual is questioned and if you used to play with toy cars or barbies as a child.

Speculation. I was sat in Starbucks yesterday, sipping on my Hazelnut Latte on the sofa, when I noticed a woman sat infront of me just kept starring. Looking me up and down with mixed looks across her face. I was completely baffled, I couldn't concentrate on my book. All i wanted to know was.. what is she thinking? What could possibly be so fascinating about me? Why does she keep glancing my way? Everyone wants to know about other people, everyone speculates and everyone passes judgement in one form or another. That never changes. However, we can change how we cope with this, how we deal and how we accept that this is simply human nature. People are curious. I'm curious. I want to know about other people and I want to know what other people think about me. What i'm trying to say is... we really shouldn't care. We can't possibly know what someone else is thinking unless they just tell us, so why should we let someone elses thoughts consume us? We shouldn't. We should be happy within ourselves. We should look at our bodies and say "Hey.. i like that", regardless of what anyone else will think or say. I think challenging this, challenging your thought process is a huge part in recovery, it has to be tackled at one point or another.

So I challenge you, next time you're walking down the street and you think someone is giving you a look or just starring, instead of wondering what they're thinking, panicing or thinking the worst case scenario.. just stop. Stop the negativity, remind yourself that you are beautiful, maybe they like your shoes, maybe they like your hair, even so.. they're human, they're curious and you are gorgeous. Pick up what YOU want in the supermarket, try on a dress because YOU like it, walk tall.. keep your head held high, live life, care less, enjoy.