Sometimes it can feel like you're on a sidewalk... in a crowded hallway... next to train tracks... watching yourself go by, right before your eyes.
Here's the thing though. There's no productivity in seeing yourself that way. You're never going to catch that train. That train holds you... but it's the future you. You can't stop it. Instead be in that car.
You can do that by being here now.
Yes. just be here now...
Then you'll always be with yourself... whether you're in that train or not. You'll maintain your faith in yourself, because what's present. what's now can be certain. It's the future that is open for question.
In this moment, what can you feel... what can you see... what can you taste?
what can you appreciate at this exact moment?
My room is messy and disorganized from recent events.. but my bed and comforter are providing me warmth and a feeling of security unparalleled.
Trying to stay in the moment is incredibly hard... I think that's why I'm so adverse to DBT (probably to my therapist's dismay)... but I'm working on it as to be honest, I think she may be on to something with trying to get me to engage in mindfulness... going on walks without my iPod and just taking in what's around me. I've started to do this more.
I have that glorious park across the street and each time I visit, the experience seems different (and I assure you I visit a lot... multiple times daily as of late). Sometimes I run, sometimes I run/walk (doing intervals), sometimes I just stroll, other times I bring a camera. The latter even helps me to be here now, because I'm forced to focus on the present. That very instant. What's happening as I click that button.
I think my therapist knows this because whenever she makes a comment about disconnecting she follows it up with a suggestion of me visiting that park. It's good to have someone that understands how my mind works. What things work for me.
Having a dog for awhile really helped... I am debating moving in September when my lease is up, staying in the general area, but into a place that will allow me to have a dog, even if only one under 15 pounds. That worked for me.
it's just a matter of figuring out what works for you. stretching, pilates, walks... whatever can allow you to be here now. quit running from yourself.
I think in the process of just being here now you can learn a lot, become more self aware.
p.s. I highly recommend checking out yesterday's post by Serra -- I'm really intrigued by what people's answers as to if "Full Recovery" is possible and if so what it looks like are.