Listen to the Mustn'ts

Shel Silverstein

Giving Our Children Their Innocence Back

And How?

I was left deeply saddened, angered and fearful after reading that children as young as five are receiving treatment for anorexia here in the UK.

However, I wasn’t surprised.

After all, how can one expect kids to be happy and confident with their bodies when all they see is ‘perfection’ and ‘size zero’ plastered all over the media and the world around them?

According to figures released, at least 2100 children have had treatment for eating disorders in the last three years, 98 of which were aged five to seven, 99 aged 8 or 9 and 400 where aged ten to twelve. But true figures where not available as many hospital trusts refused to give figures to freedom-of-information requests.

A worrying indicator of just how many children are already engaged in a dangerous battle with their own bodies and an unhealthy relationship with food?

But I’m not here to just talk figures and quote facts when the saddest fact is that these are only numbers given from children that actually received treatment. And only those that received treatment for anorexia, not including all other forms of eating disorders.

Who’s to say how many go unnoticed or unsupported, not just here in the UK but all over the world?

The thought of a child suffering as I and so many close have and still are makes my heart ache. As I write this now, it actually physically hurts to think about it and the tears are once again flowing.

I know from personal experience what it’s like to ‘feel fat’ and deeply unhappy with my body as a child because my eating disorder started to develop at the tender age of just eight.

Back then I don’t recall society being quite so obsessed with body image and there was certainly no such thing as ‘size zero’ but kids were still cruel, models were still far too thin an being small and beautiful was glamorised.

Being a kid should be about living life and having fun. Not standing in front of a mirror questioning everything you were born with.

It should be about enjoying food, experimenting and delighting in new tastes, colours and textures. Not picking at dinner, hiding food or being afraid to eat a chocolate bar.

It should be about enjoying your body and the amazing things it can do, all the wonderful ways it can move and the healing powers it has.

But sadly back then for me and for so many today, it’s already something questioned, feared and often hated.

So how do we go about changing this?

How to we start to make big changes, not only in our society but closer to home? Starting with our own children/friends children/the kids next door?

We as individuals can make a difference.

By setting examples to children, doing our best to act confident and happy with our own bodies (even if we don’t always feel it) being aware of any changes in the way the young around us act/feel/eat etc.

Reassuring them that they are beautiful, no matter what size they are.

Helping them learn to love their bodies and embrace all their amazing qualities, physical and otherwise.

And of course not conforming to this utterly ridiculous belief that beauty is an image that only reflects one of thin and flawless.

On a wider scale, we need more awareness. We need to take a stand against the media and it’s airbrushed images.

We need to protect children.

We need to given them their innocence back.

~

Reading this article yesterday gave me even more drive to recover myself. I cannot change what began for me as a child but I can make a difference to what happens to the children of tomorrow.

I can continue to bite back and once fully healthy, play my part in making big changes.

I spent the weekend enjoying the sunshine; eating yummy foods like chocolate brownies and pizza and spending time with those I love.

All the things I once enjoyed as an innocent child and am now rediscovering as a strong woman.

That is what recovery is all about but more it is also what childhood is all about.

I didn't protect and nourish myself for so many years but I am and can do that now.

For me, for the innocence around me and for the children of the future.

Of your future.

Of My Future.

For my own little bundles of joy that are yet to grace my life (and torment it too no doubt!;)

Let's do this!

With Much Love, Smiles & Support

Hanna xx

Parents Getting it Wrong

 PHOTO CREDIT TO DR. KATHLEEN YOUNG

Author's Note: This post may prove controversial... keep in mind this is just my belief and that this is relating to verbal abuse.

So, I was looking at the post over at Nourishing the Soul that I recommended in my last post  and the last comment stuck out to me... or rather the end of it did.

think this is why I subconsciously chose not to have children – I was so scared to get it wrong like my parents did.

 The part in bold is what I want to focus on. This part was in reference to saying things to children that wind up having negative impact later on in life. Not about physical things, rather the verbal.

The bolded part left me feeling odd. I feel when someone "gets it wrong" the right choice or way is clearly evident and that they have had access to the knowledge to know the difference between the two. When you take a test in school, you're being held accountable for things you are supposed to know. You can get it wrong if you didn't pay attention or chose not to listen to what the right answers are. However, you had access to the right answers before the test. You were given the knowledge you would need to know.

I don't think that's the case with verbal abuse and while I do think wrongs are being committed, I'm not sure it's a case of parents getting it wrong

I don't believe any parents wants to factor into their child having an eating disorder, engaging in self-injurious behavior, having suicidal ideations, being depressed, or anything of the like by saying careless things. I think at that moment in time they're doing what they think will work or is acceptable - resulting in them saying things that might have lingering effects.

Consequently, I don't think placing blame on my parents for getting it wrong will take me any further in my life as I'm not sure that even saying that they got it wrong is fair.

So what do I think the problem is?  

I firmly believe that it is education, or lack thereof.

I think wider spread education of the power of words needs to take place. Wider spread education about the power of any size action needs to take place. I think education in general needs to take place.

We often hear about child abuse. When I used to work at a dental clinic we were all told the signs to look for -- bruises in odd places,  stories of falls by parents that don't match up with the injuries, cowering, among other things --- all things that are linked to physical abuse. Verbal abuse (though it can be just as, if not more so, damaging) gets a lot less talk time. I believe that's where a huge part of the problem lies.

Parents may know that beating their child is wrong from having been told that in school when they're young, by the news, by the media, by activism groups, and by campaign ads, but since verbal abuse is generally not covered by those outlets parents may not truly believe that telling their child they're worthless is a form of abuse. They may wind up changing one out for the other... instead of being physically abusive they may rely on verbal abuse to get their message across...  perhaps even offering up the phrase, "quit crying. You think this abuse? You don't know what abuse is. Keep crying and I can show you what abuse is."

If we start to educate people on verbal abuse, what it entails, and its consequences at least part of the problem will be corrected. I think this education is paramount. Not only for parents, but also for people in general. We all have the power of saying something that can contribute to making someone feel like they are less than. We also have the same power not to... we just have to know that we have this power. That our words do as well.

I'm curious as to your thoughts on this topic.. or rather discussion piece...

"The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

This week has been an interesting one for me (and as I'm writing this it's 11:20am on Tuesday morning). I received a packet in the mail yesterday. A packet that, for the most part, solidified the end of my slightly over three year long stint in the military (you can read more about my experience with the military and eating disorders by clicking here). It was my VA compensation packet. Though I got out during the last week of August in 2010, they have just now made a decision. One that truly validated how I felt I was treated while I was in.

I know, when I was discharged the people in Texas deemed that the military had severely aggravated my eating disorder, but having a second group of people say the same thing? It made it feel less of a fluke or chance and more real... or legitimate.

Anyways, I wound up getting a higher rating than the charts online say they give to EDNOS, but that wasn't what it was about this piece of mail that got to me. It was both the descriptors of my demeanor "absent of emotion" with a "depressed mood" however having "good insight and judgment" that I found intriguing.

If you had asked me as a child what I would be at 23 years old I would have told you that I would be old (among other things), but I don't think I would have said any of those above things. I think I would have said that I would be doing something I love. I may have had an interesting childhood, but I still believed in the power of me. It hadn't been stripped completely away.

(I was pretty BA in my shin guards, right?? Then again... I did play on a boys soccer team)

 When I was a child I thought I could conquer the world. I wanted to be a plastic surgeon, a ballet dancer, a singer, a mad scientist, a fashion designer, a professional athlete... even Amish... Occasionally I would want to be a combination of those things. You know what? I genuinely thought I could be those things. 

Somewhere along the line we forget that we are capable. Through the years people start to whittle away at this firm belief we have in and of ourselves. "You can't do that's" "You did that wrong" "Why can't you ever do things right" start to erode that solid foundation. For some it happens quicker than others... damaging varying as well, but sadly enough I think it happens to a degree to everyone.

As a child we believe that we deserve and should do things we love for a living. We let our imaginations create a future life of possibilities rather than of closed off streets. As we get older we start to let ourselves limit ourselves and let others dictate what our capabilities and rights should be. I hate to break it to you though, but this more highly educated, more life experienced older version of you isn't the correct one... I firmly believe that that child was right.

I'm currently living life differently than I ever have. I'm flowing with the river of life and while it may scare my parents, I am loving this way of doing things. Going with what feels rights in my heart. Trying not to over think things - trying to bring some of the wisdom of my younger me into today's world. Trying to get back the person that I thought I'd be by this point in my life -- my own person. I may not be there yet and it may take awhile, but I think I'm slowly starting to become that person.

ps. psssst! I HIGHLY recommend you check out this post over at Nourishing the Soul. It made me feel quite emotional (maybe even vulnerable and teary eyed) as it struck several chords and stirred up memories, but it also left me hopeful.

lessons from childhood (and dr seuss)

When I was younger...

i believed my father was a superhero

i believed it when i was told i could be anything i wanted to be.

i tried anything despite not being qualified - that word had no meaning to me. if i tried something and failed it just meant i would get to try it again.

i was fearless -- we're talking roller skating down a hill that could rival some of those in San Fran

i didn't think about my body in any way other than that it was what let me do cool things

fear foods were foods that looked gray and splumped onto the cafeteria tray

i thought my mother was beautiful not in spite of her differences, but because her differences were what made her my mom

i knew the power of friendship and trusted it wholly

weight was wait -- and its only association was when you had to wait your turn

i believed in sharing and caring

all of life's problems could be solved by reading a Sweet Valley book

rainbow brite protected me in my sleep in the form of a blanket and when i was scared helped me feel secure by being wrapped tightly around me

feelings weren't right or wrong - i just felt and it was okay to do so

i would get excited to hear the ice cream truck

i was addicted to the game candyland and the idea of that forever happy place that existed even if my house was not happy -- it gave me a sense that there was someplace happy in the world- someplace good where people were truly good - i consequently felt that hope could be found in a board game --- or in anything

dr. seuss taught me that "unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing's going to get better it's not,"  that I would succeed (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.), and that “sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple" which would help me ask the right questions to get to the honest answer.

the world was my playground and it was my job to explore it - finding things other people were too busy to see and overlooked- "You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut."

i neglected grammar and believed putting a heart next to my name made any apology letter better

i thought that hugging was giving another person a piece of you -- the harder you hugged the more you loved them

i listened to my body cues. when i was hungry i ate. when i was tired i slept.

i knew that exercise was meant to be fun

i believed wishes were magic and that it was possible for dandelion seeds to carry dreams and wishes away

i believed that dandelions were flowers too

i got excited at the simple things like discovering the goldfish cracker character has a name (it's finn and his girlfriend is Brooke --- oh wait, that may have been my adult self...)

i was mindful -- very much aware of that moment in time. if i was there with you - i was there with you rather than thinking of something else. if i were playing soccer, i was focusing on that.

i dreamed of the day when i could grow up and eat dessert every night like my father who would have a pb&j sandwich and a bowl of ice cream every night before bed, but after doing a couple of sets of one armed push ups.

i believed in promises and trusted people

my dinner plate was colorful... and i ate bread which obviously didn't kill me

and probably most importantly... i loved myself... i didn't know how not to

oh what my younger self could teach me...

what could your younger self teach you??

p.s... major hugs and well wishes to Ashley (she knows why)