The non-complimentarian

"I love your dress!"
"This old thing?"

"You did such an amazing job today"
"I didn't do anything special"

"You are so beautiful"
*thinks to self* hahaha


Sound familiar?

A wine buddy of mine - the darling Kim - and I once had a conversation that made me realize conversations do not have to go that way.

"You know why I love working with you Kim? Because you're consistently nice."
"Thanks Kristie! I am nice, aren't I?"
"and I love that you can let people compliment you."
"Why shouldn't I? I am nice."

In our society through various ideologies accepting compliments have turned into taboo making us all non-complimentarians (how very Zora Neale Hurston of me) in the process. There's this bond that's being formed over this self loathing. Those that don't join in are sometimes pegged as being full of themselves or being of a narcissistic nature.

Here's the thing though. There's a difference in being a narcissist and being a friend of yourself. Kim is not a narcissist, she will be the first to tell you when she makes a mistake - the first. She won't try to hide it or push it onto someone else, but accepts it as part of herself.

Earlier this week I did an interview with Harriet Brown for Psychology Today and I referenced Kim. I was left thinking about the anecdote again last night after Generation Mirror's 1st Spring Fundraiser (sidenote: that's why I posted this Friday, but backdated it...) due, in part, to the amazing people I got to meet there (there is such a difference between a group of eating disorder activists than a group of people... even my friend Erica commented) and I think a key component is this sense of self-compassion. This ability to accept yourself when you are doing something great that is intrinsically you (ie if someone compliments on a piece of artwork you made - YOU made that artwork --- it didn't just happen) and accept that you will make mistakes and to be okay with that. We're not superheroes, we're humans. But both of those things the praiseworthy parts and the mistakes are you. Not just the negatives.



So allow yourself to be complimented. Odds are that woman that told you you were beautiful was not trying to tell you a knock-knock joke.

Feminist Roadtrip Ramblings

So, it's about 9pm at night... I'm having some wine, eating some gjetost, and getting to work on this post a wee bit in advance.

I happened to just get back a lot earlier than expected from a road trip. I did a lot of cool things in an extremely short amount of time (1920s jail museum?!?, Patti's 1880s settlement, rainbow colored bridge, etc), but surprisingly (if you know some of the other stuff I did on my journey) I think the coolest thing I got to see and hear was Dr. Susan Douglas speak.

For those that don't know, Susan J Douglas is the author of multiple novels (most recently of Enlightened Feminism), a professor, a columnist, etc... She's done a lot and continues to contribute a lot to the world of feminism.

And, no... she does not wear camouflage and birkenstocks, have short spiky hair, nor is she unfortunate in the natural beauty department as some stereotypes for feminists would lead you to believe.

She is; however; a mother, a wife, intelligent, well-spoken, and a proponent of derisive laughter.

There were a few key things I feel the need to pass along:

Aspiring to be beautiful is a dumbass thing to do. We are beautiful. Why not aspire to do something great instead?

 When she said this there was definite laughter in the room... but, I didn't find myself laughing... why? Because I began to wonder how many lost hours and brilliant minds we've lost to the intangible treasure of achieving the ideal beauty. Surely if we used all the efforts we use to try to make ourselves beautiful (or acceptable by the media's standards) towards gender equality we would be progressing instead of regressing.

Eve Ensler has said before that she thinks that the media is trying to distract females through these means, distract us from the bigger picture... by making us content with constantly trying to self-improve so we don't look too closely at the bigger picture. So we don't see what's really happening.

Dr. Douglas discussed how music can tell a lot about a society's views and did a little mini timeline...

"I Will Follow Him" to "You Don't Own Me" to music of today where women singers objectified - portraying them as only caring about love while appearing ditzy.

She mentioned how that goes along with how women are currently portrayed on television (on both reality television and in sitcoms) - obsessed with material goods, finding love, looking beautiful, and being catty. This portrayal does a couple of things: tells the world that that's how American women behave AND it tells American women that that's how they should behave... that that's normal. All the while creating a show that draws people to watch, including women, who could be spending their time doing more worthwhile things such as contradicting that very portrayal.

I don't understand why we as females are not supposed to feel okay with ourselves

 There was no laughter after this phrase exited her mouth. Some looked at each other, while others looked down uncomfortably. I can't speak for what was going through anyone else's mind, but I know I was thinking how true that is... but also was wondering WHY that is so true... We greet each other and we rarely say anything good about ourselves.

I work in a fitting room and I can promise you that I hear FAR more often women berating their bodies (and other women chiming in with things about their bodies that they dislike -- I guess to make the first person feel better??) rather than people talking about what they do like... or even not mentioning their body at all.

What if, instead, we pointed out something good about that person's body... maybe the next time they were in the fitting room they would focus on that instead of X... or the body part you mentioned that you loathed as well.


Susan Douglas said a lot of other poignant things, but the last one I want to touch on is this statistic she gave that I for the life of me cannot remember in its entirety... only about what it was...

Anyways: the gist of it was that in the 1970s and 1980s only around 15% (I know it was more than 10%, but less than 20%) of models were 15% or more underweight... meaning 85% (or so) were at a healthy weight. Today, 92% of super models (meaning models that walk during fashion week in the major cities) are at least 15% underweight. That is a staggering change and after her statement there was an audible gasp from the other people at the luncheon - including the lady to my right.

Now, I used to model (nothing amazing, a catalog shoot for Santa lingerie; some portfolio pieces for designers and photographers) and I STILL saw this to some degree, but those stats about just how far we've come... made me truly thin if we've really gone that far at all... if we're exchanging one form of a corset for another... hmmm..... just the thoughts of this feminist roadtrip rambler.

the military and eating disorders

       AND       

PHOTO CREDITS TO MILITARY.COM and COOLESTGADGETS.COM

some people become outraged when they learn that the military is not quick to accept those with eating disorders. past or present. They say it's unfair discrimination. I say it's wise and protective, probably in majority of the cases - and the military is a machine that runs on time... it would take TOO much time to make exceptions for those rare cases so I fully agree with the blanket exclusion.

Before you get angry. Hear me out.

I may not be a health professional (though technically I was one for awhile, but I'll get to that part later) let alone a mental health professional (my mental health knowledge doesn't extend very far beyond a couple of psychology courses and trauma studies courses), but I am something a lot of those that are outraged are not... I am a former member of the military who has an eating disorder.

I don't talk about this very often... especially not in detail. I don't think very many people have ever heard me speak more than just a skirted conversation about basic training and my time in the military. I usually just say it was a poor decision with slight elaboration and then move on.

I keep on starting and stopping writing this, because I want to make sure that I fully explain the military that I experienced.

To give a little background, I engaged in eating disorder behaviors prior to joining. Since I had not been officially diagnosed (though I came close to it in college) and was in denial, I was able to join the Air Force.

I was slightly underweight upon entry and when I shipped off to basic training I was put on an eating waiver... As it was explained to me by my MTI (Military Training Instructor --- aka the boot camp leader) "basically what this little waiver means is that it's my job to make you fat. So eat up little piggy - we'll work it off later"

Let's evaluate this statement.

Let's take the first part: "it's my job to make you fat."

okay... translation for an eating disorder mind (and actually a mathematical mind as well... really): you're supposed to gain weight... gaining weight = making you fat.

Let's take that second part "So eat up little piggy - we'll work it off later"
eating disorder translation: "you're eating. you're a pig. you need to burn it off."

 Where was this said to me?

At a special table in the center of the dining facility. A special little table that was monitored closely (for food intake) by MTIs. They would bring you more food if they felt you hadn't gotten enough to eat... and you were given extra time to eat. Both of those latter things would make the "regular" trainees grow disdain towards you as they were only given about 7ish minutes to eat (no joke).

When I did a four month stint in IOP, eating at a table with other people with similar eating habits didn't really phase me, because it brought me back to basic training... just like eating with the eating waiver kids again. Hahaha.

Anyways I digress (in case you haven't noticed... I tend to do that)

I got done with basic training went off to tech school. Felt a pressure to do well... had personal stuff crop up involving the reason why I left college... and felt the need to get the weight off.

I wound up in the hospital a couple of times for dehydration and once for ipecac. I became underweight again and yet people were still pushing me to exercise more and to perform academically and physically.

It strained me. I wound up admitting I had a problem after my second stint in the hospital for dehydration, but before my venture with ipecac that I thought was going to kill me (I don't think I've ever been that ill in my life. let alone for that period of time... almost a week)

They had me see a therapist, but I was still being pushed to do all these things. I was put in charge of sports day every weekend. By the time I was to depart Wichita Falls, TX I was told I needed to enter a treatment program. The people at Scott AFB (which was to be my new base) wouldn't permit me to go immediately into an intensive patient program upon arrival, rather just an intensive outpatient program. I was given the phone number for mental health at Scott and sent on my way.

I arrived on Scott and was told how much I was needed there, that they were short handed... and I never made that call. Mental health (who was expecting me to call) never called me either. I found out later that my doctor KNEW I was supposed to go into treatment upon arrival. She told me that she wanted to let me form my own consequences. Whatever that means...

I wound up in a career field dominated by men. The female that was there when I got there was on her way out - her replacement was extremely pregnant and we only overlapped for a month or so before she gave birth and a couple of months after.

There was competition, high standards (I was the only person under a tech sergeant at one point when I was the only female back there) because they were used to people higher ranking with more experience... I was given an extremely large work load for an airman, and I caught the running bug.

The running bug was fueled by the military. The guys in my work (I worked in the medical field in dental) wouldn't let me take leave unless I was running -- because they deemed that a "legit" reason.

They would comment and critique my run times.

I felt like I was under a microscope 24/7 as I lived on base.

I would be grocery shopping and people I know would see me and comment on what was in my basket (I switched to a basket after one of the guys at my work commented on my use of a cart... asking me if I really needed one for just one person). I would be at the gas station and would run into people.

It was horrible.

I wouldn't go into the dining facility for that reason (I quit going in tech school actually) - the only exceptions being when I was asked to go to the Commander's lunch there and when I was a cadre for JROTC --- both times I noted and used the scale that was inside the dining facility.

One might wonder why a scale would find a home in a place dedicated to feeding others... well, my answer to that this was an Air Force Base meaning part of which dictates your next rank IS your weight... your physical fitness. In tech school I remember hearing an instructor discuss using laxatives to make his weight.

I had a small waist (considering how much I was running - incredibly small for a female) and after my PT test I had my supervisor's supervisor come up to me and tell me that he was right, that I didn't have the smallest waist in the clinic - that X did by half an inch. It became fodder, everyone I worked with knew my weight and here this male in my chain of command was informing me I did not have the smallest waist in the dental clinic - as if that were some prized position to hold (btw: dental clinics are loaded with females -- albeit not in the dental lab -- so it's not even like I had the second smallest of three people) or that I was close to the danger zone. Danger zone?? Yes. Danger zone... you waist too is a factor in your PT test score... which is part of what is used for your performance report which is a factor in promotions which is a factor in $$$




Anyways, to make this shorter than what it's looking like it could be. The military placed a lot of stress on me. Emphasized weight and being in shape. Got me into running in a hardcore way... and what resulted?

The eating disorder got way way way out of control.

I said something to my supervisor once and he told me to be careful what I said because it could jeopardize HIS career if people thought he wasn't looking out for his troop. I kept my mouth shut.

Things got progressively worse to the point of eating with the purpose of having something to throw up... and to the point of needing additional work done on my shoulder when it came time for the second surgery.

Basically I had surgery one done by an Air Force doctor... he didn't repair my labrum correctly... it was bad. Military told me I could still continue running even when it started dislocating again (I asked specifically)... so I did... and not only wound up with the retorn labrum (from the faulty surgery) but also damaged my rotator cuff and enlarged the capsule to TWICE the size (the latter the doctor said was due to the excessive running).

I was running from something, clearly.


Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore... that's when I saw a therapist that was very unhelpful to the point of pulling out a picture of a friend she had and asking me if I thought her friend was overweight...

it was until I went in there and did a tell all shake/sweat/sob fest whilst smelling like vomit that anything happened... I was in an IOP program by the end of the week.

It was that break from the military that I truly think saved my life.

In the military there isn't compassion. You're not even a last name... or a number... you're the last four digits of a number... your social security number that is.

They want perfection. If you're not perfect you're unacceptable to them.

Even though it's been over a year since I entered treatment.. I wouldn't even want to go back to the military for week... oh wait, I didn't mention that... I got medically discharged from the military - the paperwork started right around the time of me entering treatment. I admitted that it was pre-existing. The people in Texas admitted that they severely aggravated the disorder.




I feel like with jobs there's a few combinations possible...
1) You can love your job, not the like the people
2) You can love the people, but not like the job

Both of those make working a job tolerable

You can also love your job and love the people which makes your job amazing
or you can hate your job and dislike the people which makes your job miserable.

When you're in the military and live on the base your job can quickly become your life (I remember getting recalled --- that's when they call you up and you HAVE to go into work immediately --- at 4am the day after my 21st birthday) so when it's that last possibility your life becomes miserable.

I feel like the military life promotes eating disorders and attracts those with eating disorders or personality traits that make people inclined to develop them.

Statistics would back that up, eating disorders are a LOT more common in the military than in the civilian sector.

I cannot imagine very many people with a history of an eating disorder or predisposition towards one faring well mentally in the military. At all. As someone working in the dental clinic my job itself should not have been stressful - but in the military you're taught that everything is crucial - every mistake could cost lives. I would hate to imagine what it would have been like had I been put in a career field that COULD have truly or directly cost lives.




Sorry this was so jumbled, but it was a lot harder and more draining to write than one might think.

the body police

It's Wednesday already... I must agree with the lovely Kate from Tuesday who pondered where does the week go... Where did the day go for that matter?

Anyways... I was going to write about this song that's been stuck in my head... Pennies From Heaven (if you've never heard it.. you simply must)... but I've changed my mind

This concept struck me whilst at work watching women police their own bodies. That's what they appeared to be doing. Policing their bodies.

It's interesting. I did a radio interview  (you can listen to the archive of it here by clicking on March 7th) on Monday night with a good friend of mine, Erica. I discussed the advertising world (at the very end of the interview) and I've been developing my thoughts on the whole situation.

We're surrounded by the body police. We hear from them on the television. We see their words in magazines. Our friends morph into them occasionally. Strangers can become the body police. However, WE can also be our own body police.

The thing to remember here is that while it's easy to focus on the media, the one instance of the body police that we can truly change is the last one I mentioned. Ourselves.

You may be thinking to yourself that you don't police your own body. I assure it occurs far more often than what we'd think. I'm currently in college and have a job working in a fitting room. I hear women all the time come in and if some article of clothing does not fit them they initially turn to blaming themselves. Now let's look at that sentence structure really quickly. the verb "does" (in this case the negated verb) belongs to the noun "clothing" NOT "themselves". Meaning that it's the clothing that is doing it (or not doing it) NOT the person.

Clothing is cut different ways. Clothing sizes vary from brand to brand. Every woman has a unique shape. Look beyond the clothing. Usually when I have a woman start to berate herself, I offer (or try to) some insight into why that article is not working - I ALSO offer insight into what might work better that still fits their general style. I go out into the store, I grab some items, come back... they try them on - and usually they wind up feeling better. More assured.

However, it's still saddening how quick we are to think that there's a problem with our bodies. I think the media tells us to police ourselves, but if we quit doing it. Imagine what could happen. As Eve Ensler once said, "quit fixing your body. Start fixing the world"

so much energy exerted enveloping the role of the body police. we should really be policing how we communicate with ourselves.

how is your self communication today?

Self-Loathing... Self-Loving

It's the first day! It may take awhile for things to get in sync, so bear with us, but I have a really good feeling about this.

If you haven't already read what we're about or will be then let me fill you in real quick. We're a group of individuals coming together to share a variety of things. Some of us are active in eating disorder activism, some of us are in recovery from eating disorders, some of us know others who are struggling with the notion of self-love, and ALL of us want to share what's helped us, things we love, quotes that made us think, sparks of enlightenment that we've had, and other items such as artwork.

If you're interested in taking a day (or doing a guest post), let us know!
Email us at: recoveringinspirings@gmail.com

On this first day, I share with you something I posted on my journal/blog - I think it's really important though. Important enough to be brought over here.

=^..^=   =^..^=   =^..^=    =^..^=    =^..^= 

Self-loathing. 

The way that the media presents that to us leaves us with the notion that self-loathing is actually a form of character building. That self-loathing can lead to self improvement... and even make us better individuals as a result.

Look at the source of this message though... who in the media is telling us this? It's advertising companies... 

What do advertising companies do? Well, they get paid a lot of money to create advertisements  advertisements trying to convince us that we need to buy things... things to "improve" us... In order to make us want to improve ourselves... they have to make us think that we're flawed.

Here's the thing. We do have flaws. But those flaws make us perfect. We don't need to be fixed... and we don't need to loathe ourselves so some corporations can make money off us insecurities that they're exploiting or helping to create. Self-loathing doesn't build character... it builds them a larger pile of money.

Let's instead focus on doing something else... let's engage in some self-love. How do we engage in self-love?? By not buying into what the media is selling (the ideas that we are not enough without aid, assistance, and improvement). By advocating for ourselves... by loving ourselves... or at least start the process of learning to.

You are the most important person you will ever have a relationship with... make yourself the priority.

The love for oneself should be unconditional. It should hold no stipulations. No criteria to make yourself deserving of love. EVERYONE deserves and is worthy of love. You are no exception.