With Change Comes Fear....

But Through Fear Comes Courage....

We all go through changes in life: they are unavoidable.

Some people thrive on them but for many, they can cause anxiety, anguish and fear.

Me, I feel a mixture of emotions.

Even when we are at a place in our lives where we don’t really want to be, the idea of making changes in order to better it can sometimes seem too daunting.

And the work entailed to take the first steps too tiring.

But if we stay where we are, isn’t that just as exhausting?

And if we really think about it, can’t change actually be exciting?

Of course it can!

I feel the more we accept and embrace change, the less overwhelming it can be.

But is that always possible?

I think so.

In recovery, we go through many changes. Some seemingly negative but also many positive.

In body, mind and soul.

And the same goes for life in general too.

People move on, times change, life continually moves forward.

Although not always easy and often extremely scary, sometimes if we just take the time to slow down, observe and breath, the realisation that everything will be okay sets in.

And with the fear that leads up to and through change, comes life and all it’s endless possibilities.

And that’s exciting!

So I guess what I’m trying to say is this-

Although you may feel afraid and unsure about changes ahead, know that you are not alone and although nothing is set in stone,

Your future is bright.

Release the lion within yourself!

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Facing up to Fears

 Edited to add: Check out this awesome post on fear that Ashley from Nourishing the Soul linked to on Facebook (and if you haven't liked her FB, definitely do! Ashley is chock full of good quotes and article links on there, and her blog is a great read as well).

Sometimes when we become afraid of something or someone, we avoid that thing, activity or person like the plague. Trust me on this--I'm a Capital-A-Avoider. If something sucks, I pretend it doesn't exist. This policy is nice when it's stuff I can't really control and doesn't impact my life on a daily level. However, I've learned this policy is pretty terrible way to deal with things like I-Pass violation fees, library fines and seemingly every other service on Earth that charges a fine. The funny thing about fines is that avoidance leads to them--and of course makes them worse. My avoidance of running to the library to return books or to pay that toll fine "I didn't deserve" (Yes, I had an electronic I-Pass with me that didn't function and wasn't mine--hence finding out I had huge, huge fines months later) cause more harm than good.

But what about the stuff that isn't fines? What about my health? What about my happiness? If I tell myself I'm healthy and happy when these questions arise in my mind and leave it at that, I can do that avoidance thing and pretend like that's the truth. And maybe I really think it's the truth, just because I haven't thought about it.

The night before last I went out for a smoke (yeah, that health thing!) and when I came back in, I heard a loud buzzing noise seemingly coming from my hair. I started swatting at it, thinking some sort of huge beetle had somehow followed me in from outside. All the sudden, I feel a sting in the tender flesh of the inside of my upper arm, and I see a huge bee angrily flying all around me. My heart starts beating really hard, my chest tightens, and I barely make it to the bathroom whimpering in fear. I am very, very afraid of bees, and have never in my life been stung (ok, except for a tiny sweat bee when I was 5 years old). At that point in the bathroom, I had convinced myself it was some weird non-dying bee, no! Even worse! It was a hornet, or it was a bee but the stinger hadn't really gotten all the way in me, or...or...or....I hyperventilated. I could still hear the damn thing buzzing outside my bathroom door. I held a towel in my hand and watched the cracks and creases around the door, waiting for it to intrude.

Finally, I worked up enough courage to sprint out of the bathroom, grab my keys and phone in one swoop, and ran outside crying. I called my mother (at about 3 AM her time) and apologized over and over, telling her there was a bee, it was flying everywhere, and it was in my apartment. She could barely understand me, but kept telling me it was probably already dead. A confirmatory peek inside led to mad buzzing afresh, to which I slammed the door and started sobbing again. Could I just pretend the bee wasn't inside? No. And apparently it was attempting to have Shakespearean-esque death throes.

After awhile, I got so sick of standing outside and crying about this stupid bee (and I felt silly too, with my mom on the phone half-asleep, encouraging me to just go in and ice my arm---"BUT I CANT!!! THERE;S A BEE INSIDE OF MY APARTMENT!!!!"). I finally went back inside, found it sitting on the floor (probably dying) and whacked it mercilessly with a towel once I'd buried it in a pile of towels. I carried the dead bee in a towel out to the trash and disposed of it...and good riddance.

Bee incident got me thinking. Sometimes the problems you need to face up to are things you don't ever worry about, rarely think about and don't necessarily recognize as problems. I certainly didn't expect a bee to follow me inside like that, especially at 5 AM. Bees are awake that early? Right? But once the bee had stung me and was buzzing around my apartment, I could no longer ignore it. I had to kill it or wait for it to die, and in my crazed fear it seemed like it was never going to die, anyways. But eventually, I'm standing outside realizing how silly the whole thing is, and I just have to stop avoiding the damn bee. I mean, I thought, the sting didn't hurt -that- bad. My imagination had built up something far beyond the actual pain I suffered--and don't we all do that? Become more afraid of our imaginings than what the reality of the situation usually is?

So with the rest of your day, I challenge you to go out and face your bees. I mean, don't go out and chase bees around--that's just silly and asking to get stung. But when you hear buzzing, ask yourself what it really is, and don't avoid it.

the "a" word -- anger -- {{ self discovery word by word }}

 (image credit: Ashley from NTS)

I know.. I know... I reference Ashley's blog.... Nourishing the Soul... a lot. today is no exception. She started the Self-Discovery Word by Word series where each month a word is chosen to write about... (this month it's hosted by Big Girl Bombshell) I've never participated, telling myself various reasons why not to... however, this month a word popped up that left me feeling unsettled... what was this month's word?

anger.


This word came up this last week during my weekly Laura (which was last Wednesday) and also appeared quite a few times when I was in IOP.

It's a word that scares me. Something about the shape those five letters can take when personified.

When I was a kid, I saw anger. true anger.. and frequently. I'm not saying I never saw love, but I am saying that I saw, heard, and dreamt about what I still believe was an extremely raw form of haunting anger.

Some of those things still scare me and thus I say that anger does.

I was in IOP this time last year (I cannot wait until that phrase will no longer be able to escape my lips... or pass through my fingers via the keys they touch) and Cathy (an amazing art therapist) led us outside with a scale to bash. There were only three of us at this point and outside we went into the back parking lot, laughing along the way at one of the girls' habit of coughing every time she sees a smoker - that walk being no exception as we passed a group taking long drags in the cool summer breeze.


We got out there and the other two started taking the turns with the hammer Cathy brought... I wound up only being able to watch from a distance - standing on the curb near the grass in my dress... the whole situation scaring me and making me feel extremely unsettled. Just watching the others take hammers to these scales I almost started crying, resorting to hugging myself to prevent it... the anger was just so visible. Cathy wouldn't let us go back inside until I had hit the scale with a hammer, but I could barely muster tapping the already broken scale - but I needed us to go back inside the building. Inside where people were more composed. Where things felt more in control. Cathy didn't press the issue further after my love tap to the scale so inside we went again, thankfully

It wasn't the way they were acting outside that had scared me, it was the realization that no one that spirals out of control in rage, starts their rage out of control. It's a seamless transition... one I've witnessed too many times. Recently I felt incredibly hurt by some things... intense emotions... I became so fearful I would act out in anger or mixed emotions and hurt people (emotionally) that I apologized and then isolated myself from them... The whole thing terrifying and upsetting me in multiple ways... fearful that I was dangerously close to trespassing into the land of rage.

Through the years I've held in emotions, even in places I feel secure such as Laura's office, but no emotion have I held in to the degree that I have anger - to the point of mellowing it out so that I honestly don't know if I am experiencing it or anything... only a brief thought that maybe I should be angry.

I've cried and shown up in her office in a daze... but I've never let myself be angry. Truly angry. I've always said there was no point in it. The closest I've come is being pissed off (which as those that know me in real life... takes a lot -- or for me to feel extremely hurt/injured by people on an emotional level as I mentioned earlier)... I'm terrified of hurting others with that anger... I hate hurting people in general, which is another reason why I can and often do abruptly withdraw or shut off after experiencing high intense emotions.

I've held the fear (odd side fact: they say that fear and anger are inversely related) of getting too angry dear for quite some time. Curled up with it. I think the wall I've built with it is finally starting to crumble though.

Reading several case studies has taught me that this is quite a common reality for those with eating disorders, this "thwarted anger" -- with cutting, purging, starving, and other behaviors being ways of getting rid of that anger.

I think becoming more secure with yourself grants you some greater ability to validate your own emotions. To be able to sit with them, because they are yours... and feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are (or so someone I know once told me) - telling yourself that you're not angry, that you're not sad, that you're not anything is invalidating yourself... and you're worth more than that.


what do you do to sit with your emotions in a healthy way? or what can you choose to do?

 day 3: Favorite television show? My So-Called Life... closely followed by Little House on the Prairie (yes, Melissa Gilbert dressed in Calico running down a field Little House on the Prairie). Oh recent you say? Well, I don't have cable.. and have yet to really turn on my television (except for the second or third day in my apartment to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's) so all the tv shows I watch, I watch via Netflix... and I'm going to say In Treatment or Project Runway when it's in season...

Introduction, Change

Why, hello :)


I'm Thursday, or Ashley, whichever you prefer to call me. I could see myself taking a liking to this Thursday thing. Anyways, just a quick introduction here. Kat (Wednesday) had asked me to take part in this blog project, and I happily agreed. I will most likely be posting artwork in the future (yay!) as I am beginning to take up making art again. Today, however, I would like to start with a few words about a choice subject.


Change. I was originally going to post artwork on my first day of blogging (today! woohoo!), but have decided to write instead. In deciding to talk rather than post a drawing, I confronted my fear of change.  I did say informally that I might be posting artwork on the first day, so what if I annoy Kat or one of the other bloggers by changing my mind? But at that point, I realized that I did have good reasons for changing. I did not want to post the particular artwork I had mentioned just yet, and I had some other issues on my mind that seemed of more importance. Of course, being a student, I don't always have time to spontaneously create drawings, which was the case last night. So, in a twist of irony, I had to confront the issue I wanted to talk about on here. I chose to write about change, and by doing so, I let the shackles of the past fall away from my decision making process.


Sometimes we get so used to living in the same patterns and routines that we forget that we can change things.    We become like rats on squeaky wheels, running after a goal that forever eludes us (and having to put up with the obnoxious creaking of the wheel!). When this happens, we often start thinking that our life has to be the way it is, because it is so obviously hurtling in a single direction.


But I want to remind you of something amazing, because I think you already know it and need to remember it.


At any moment you can do something different.


You could take on a new profession. Eat a new food. Go somewhere you've never been. Work on the problems that you want to face.


It's all in your mindset.


You think you can't grow, you stay the same. If you're too afraid to ever try anything new, try anything different, welcome the ambiguity, greyness, and unsureness of life, you will miss out on a lot. You will miss out on meeting people and visiting places that might change you in a very deep and meaningful way.


I see students at school (I'm a third year psych student) who are afraid to talk to professors. I'm going to a small university (20-30 students in a classroom), too, so you would think people would take advantage of that kind of attention. But people come to college with this attitude that they don't need to learn anything, they don't need to challenge themselves, and they certainly don't need help changing (especially from professors!). It's a terrible attitude, because many of these students could have been hard-working, insightful people. They shackled themselves into a repetition of high school, basically. And it's not even intelligence...the importance of this falls away as in college your success is often based more highly on your motivation than your IQ.


Every inhibition you have right now is one you are holding on to. And I'm sure you have some good excuses for not changing, we all have things we could pin our responsibility on. But how is that helping you making your life more fulfilling?


 As a side note, we often doubt our ability to change something in our own lives. There's no reason to be highly critical of yourself when learning something new. Embrace the fact that you have to learn new skills to be anything different than you are now.


 It is not possible for you to wake up an accomplished musician tomorrow morning. Even prodigies have to practice to get to where they are; I've read before that some researchers say it takes about 20,000 hours of practice of an activity to become an "expert" in it. You can't beat yourself up about X, Y, or Z quality of you (I'm not where I want to be in life, I'm not recovered yet, I'm not happy enough, I should be smarter, I should work harder) when you haven't honestly worked on changing that quality! So you need to ask yourself: what do I need to do to change?




So as I begin sharing my journey here, I encourage you to find something that you can change in your life. Remember that the action comes from the mindset, and the person that accepts change and enacts change is the one who grows.


You don't have to like every change, controllable or uncontrollable.


You just have to want to grow, and start seeing the world as an opportunity to learn about yourself.
And there's no limits to what you can accomplish with this mindset. 


Much respect for your human capacity to grow and change,


AS