well that WAS helpful

 (photo credit to Living Life Fully)

I hear people all the time utter the phrase, "well that was UNhelpful"

and it wasn't until I was taking a walk tonight (I really need to quit walking late at night - though I do better maintain my train of thought) that I started to wonder what was helpful... I urge those reading to add to this list in the comments section as I am genuinely curious.

helpful is the kind front desk lady at my therapist's office who always has a smile, remembers me, and speaks sweetly when I call timid about scheduling an appointment.

helpful is when people acknowledge you are there, not part of the scenery, and as a result respect that you have feelings, views, and thoughts

helpful is when someone reminds you that a dress is just a dress and that needing a size smaller (or larger) isn't a necessarily a crisis, but rather needing a size smaller (or larger)

helpful are  the people who know when to push and when to quit

helpful is mourning the past while also toasting to the potential the future holds

helpful can be a smile, an email, or a phone call (particularly from my great aunt)

helpful is the person that's there for you when you're not 100% there for yourself

helpful is the understanding that sometimes pushing away means you want to be pulled closer... maybe even hugged

helpful is when you feel able to cry in front of someone

helpful is when you receive little reminders that you are of worth

helpful is compassionate at time

helpful is feeling validated

helpful is loving me when i least deserve it, because you know that's when i really need it the most

helpful is having meals in the fridge prepared

helpful is someone smiling when you're feeling down

helpful is knowing when to take a break - and knowing it's okay TO take a break

what is helpful to you?

[oh and hula hooping to Adele is ALWAYS helpful ;)  ]

What Do I want?

*I Dedicate This Post To You Linda, RIP

A simple enough question to ask ourselves and one that we do daily. And easy enough to answer, Right? From Personal experience my answer would be no. When suffering from an eating disorder, many of our decisions are taken away from us along with our control and power. We essentially let our eating disorders make most of our decisions for us. Which is ironic really, considering many eating disorders begin when we feel we have little or no control in our lives. Yet even the smallest of choices can become huge and painfully overwhelming.

I've found that recovery is a lot about self discovery and getting in touch with not only who you are but what you truly want in life. It's about listening to your heart to help guide you, your mind to rationalise and help come to decisions and your body telling you what it really wants and needs. It's about reclaiming your power and taking back control of your body, your mind & your soul.

I want to share with you a small extract from my journal in which I describe an example of listening to myself and deciding what I really want...

--------------------------------------

"Just got back from a lovely walk with the gals... The weather was glorious and really warm...

As we walked around the park I observed all the beauty, all the fun, the children laughing, eating ice-cream and playing, the couples lazy around holding hands and it was lovely to see. It did make me a little sad. I thought 'I want some of that' and then I thought, 'Well, one day very soon you will Hanna. One step at a time hey?'

And then I thought "Okay, so what could I do right now to make me happy? What do I want?" And my answer came quickly- 'I want an ice-cream' "Wooaaahhhh..... Hang on there Missy! (My eating disorder pipes up) An ice-cream? Are you stoned?" "Erm nope, just fancy one of life's little pleasures...."

So, I went to the cafe (all the while stupidly nervous) stood in line and waited. They were all out...
*Phew* <<< *Eating disorder wipes forehead* I was somewhat disappointed though.

This just wasn't good enough! And then I saw it. Across the park, gleaming in the sunshine... An ice-cream van!! So, the girls and I set off to get ourselves some of that yummy goodness.

When we got to the van, we again stood in line. Inca was bored by this point and decided to do a big poop on the grassy bank. The mothers weren't happy. (I carry bags, don't worry) Of course I was surveying the menu, trying to figure out which would be 'the safest' and the one with the least calories.... I went for a 'Solero' The ice-lolly with 'only 90cals!' But as I was handing over the money I thought (excuse the language) "sod it!, I want a 'Mr Whippy Ice-cream' (UKers will know what I mean here) So, I changed my order and got one in a cup.

We went and sat on the bench and I slowly began eating it. It tasted nice. This scared me. Then I realised there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. It was an ice-cream and a yummy one at that....

This is what recovery is all about.....

-----------------------------

Something so small and seemingly insignificant to others was not only a huge achievement for me but also very empowering. It really is the little things in life isn't it.

So, do yourself a favour today. Ask yourself "What do I want" And taste just how amazing it feels when you listen to you rather than your eating disorder....

Freedom is a choice and the choice is all yours for the taking!

With Much Love, smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

*As I said at the beginning of this post, I dedicate this to Linda who I sadly found out today has passed. She was a part of our community and a will be deeply missed. Linda was a true fighter and was determined to recover from her eating disorder and also raise much needed awareness. Sadly, she lost her battle before she managed to save herself. Let her passing be a reminder to us all that this disease does kill. Don't waste anymore time...

May You Have peace Now Linda