sometimes i feel like i know a different god than everyone else...

Image Credit (HERE)

This is not the post I pre-wrote on Sunday for today, but it's the post that's in my head and heart right now.

I usually do not bring up my religious views on this blog in my (semi)weekly posts. However, yesterday I was browsing the Facebook page for the park across the street from me and came across a most unsettling comment regarding the recent PrideFest that's annually held within the luscious tree filled grounds

Oh dear God what is this world coming to? [insert park name here]?

Gay Fest?? Have mercy on our souls.

This comment left me thinking a lot about the God I feel I know. The God I've gleaned from the Bible, from life experiences, from prayer, and from my heart... and it makes me truly wonder if I know a different God than everyone else.

The God I know does not discriminate and the Bible I've read features tolerance as one of the bigger themes. Tolerance... and love. Seeing beauty in everyone. It is these big themes that I think are important to focus on.

The God she's referring to in her comment I am certain is the same one that is part of the divine trinity that includes Jesus. Yet, he seems so different in her context than the one I've come to know and believe in. The Bible outlines sins, yes. But it's not those things that I think people should get hung up on... rather that big picture of tolerance and love that I mentioned earlier. I sin... and a lot more than Jesus (who was free from it) did... so why shouldn't I be at least as tolerant and loving of others as Jesus?

Biblically, Jesus was incredibly tolerant.  When Jesus was on Earth he befriended everyone. He was kind to beggars and drunkards. He showed compassion to Mary Magdalene, an alleged prostitute (I say alleged as there is nothing in the Bible that concretely says she WAS one). He saw beauty within the person. Even within Judas who offered him up for crucifixion.

The Jesus I've read about drank wine and cared deeply about others. He may not have agreed with others' choices, but he would still help them without belittling them. He didn't judge. He informed lightly of his own views and allowed his actions to become the loudest part of his message.  It was his actions that had the biggest impact. His actions that were full of beauty... that showed that he persisted in love. Unconditional love.

This may be a different God than everyone else seems to know, but I'm glad he's the God that I know... I much prefer him to the God referenced in the comment highlighted above.

P.S. by the time this is read it will be a day after the birthday of a fellow blogger... happy belated 21st Ashley (aka Thursday) !!!  Happy Belated Birthday Lovely Lady!

well that WAS helpful

 (photo credit to Living Life Fully)

I hear people all the time utter the phrase, "well that was UNhelpful"

and it wasn't until I was taking a walk tonight (I really need to quit walking late at night - though I do better maintain my train of thought) that I started to wonder what was helpful... I urge those reading to add to this list in the comments section as I am genuinely curious.

helpful is the kind front desk lady at my therapist's office who always has a smile, remembers me, and speaks sweetly when I call timid about scheduling an appointment.

helpful is when people acknowledge you are there, not part of the scenery, and as a result respect that you have feelings, views, and thoughts

helpful is when someone reminds you that a dress is just a dress and that needing a size smaller (or larger) isn't a necessarily a crisis, but rather needing a size smaller (or larger)

helpful are  the people who know when to push and when to quit

helpful is mourning the past while also toasting to the potential the future holds

helpful can be a smile, an email, or a phone call (particularly from my great aunt)

helpful is the person that's there for you when you're not 100% there for yourself

helpful is the understanding that sometimes pushing away means you want to be pulled closer... maybe even hugged

helpful is when you feel able to cry in front of someone

helpful is when you receive little reminders that you are of worth

helpful is compassionate at time

helpful is feeling validated

helpful is loving me when i least deserve it, because you know that's when i really need it the most

helpful is having meals in the fridge prepared

helpful is someone smiling when you're feeling down

helpful is knowing when to take a break - and knowing it's okay TO take a break

what is helpful to you?

[oh and hula hooping to Adele is ALWAYS helpful ;)  ]

The Obesity/Emaciation Connection

I believe that behind both the person who weighs 400 pounds and the one who weighs 85 there is a lot of baggage, and it has nothing to do with their bodies.  - Kirstie Alley

I thought I posted this last night, but alas I find myself typing it again.

Not too terribly long ago I saw the first episode of Oprah's Addicted to Food and while I'm waiting to see a few more episodes before I form an opinion it did leave me thinking.... which is always a good thing. Even more recently I was over at Nourishing The Soul and was reading Ashley's post questioning do fat memories ever fade. Together the two of those things left me wondering a multitude of things... about anecdotes involving friends on the internet, about whether or not having cameras around would be good for treatment (though undoubtedly I imagine having them there outweighs not being in treatment at all), which in turn made me think of prohibitive treatment costs in the United States, and then I also thought of similarities.

What kind of similarities?

The similarities between those that are obese and those that are emaciated.


Aside from the fact that both have been on the rise... both impact millions of people (which right there makes me wonder if there IS a connection)...

If you examine the health effects of both you'll find that they share a lot of the same possible ones (obviously, not everyone that's emaciated or obese will have these, but these are the common ones). Infertility, negative change in blood pressure (extremely low in the emaciated, extremely high in the obese), heart problems, stroke, skin problems, bone problems (recent studies have concluded that obesity is bad for the bones - and osteoporosis for the emaciated), diabetes (type II for the obese, type I for the emaciated), and digestive issues.

The similarities do not end there. Treatment plans for both involve creating a healthy lifestyle and adjusting one's diet. As well as trying to pinpoint a cause for turning food into a weapon used against oneself.

Clothes shopping can be difficult for either party, not having any cute options, or having to find clothing in the children's department.

Having a stigma attached when going out in public is also present in both -- be it laziness that is often associated with the overweight... enough to make anyone self conscious of eating in public or going to a gym; or having people think you have an eating disorder or are "sick" if you're emaciated -- also complicating eating in public and going to the gym.

With all of these similarities why is the plan of attack so different for both?
While there is currently progress being made on banning emaciated models, that's about the extent of action being taken against those that are emaciated.

I worded it that way for a reason... because actions are currently being taken against the obese. If you haven't seen the childhood obesity ads from Georgia:

(photo credit to Huffington Post)

It's clear that there is a war being waged on the obese. Not only with advertisements, but also with taxes (taxation for products including fructose have been proposed as a means of countering obesity) ... extra costs for riding on airplanes... television shows such as The Biggest Loser... and whole campaigns targeted directly at them such as the one above. None of them, however, offering up proposals that deal with nutrition or developing healthy relationships with food.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to be one of the children featured in that ad. A walking example of something Georgia is telling their children they should not be. They're becoming a target for a nearly encouraged barrage of disdain since obesity intolerance is fairly socially acceptable.

Yes, I agree that obesity is not healthy, but I'm pretty sure we all knew that anyway.. before we decided that it was okay to label pictures of kids with a "warning"

I honestly wonder what would happen if we handled this with compassion or education instead of aggression and seemingly hate filled campaigns. I imagine quite a few obese individuals have eating disorders... In various forms such as bulimia, binge eating disorder, compulsive over eating, and ED-NOS (I think we forget anorexia and bulimia are not the only disorders out there and that anorectics don't become emaciated overnight). We should be tackling the question WHY?? instead of tackling the person.. or the food... Neither are the problem. While we're at it, we could be tackling the eating disorder crisis as well as the "obesity crisis" (as they may very well be one in the same) in this very same COMPASSIONATE way.

Just my thoughts... what are yours?

-------------------------


DAY 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
I don't have a picture, but definitely dear Dani.

the mother inside

'

Photo Credit: FilmJournal.com

I used to have a different therapist, but one under the same first name. 

There was a session we had one time where she took out a copy of the Sue Monk Kidd's "The Secret Life of Bees" and read me the following.

"August stepped closer. She kept the pressure steady against my hand. 'All those times your father treated you mean, Our Lady was the voice in you that said, "No, I will not bow down to this. I am Lily Melissa Owens. I will not bow down." Whether you could hear this voice or not, she was in there saying it.' "
"I took my other hand and placed it on top of hers, and she moved her hand free on top of it, so we had this black-and-white stack of hands resting upon my chest.
" 'When you're unsure of yourself,' she said, 'when you start pulling back into doubt and small living, she's the one inside saying, "Get up from there and live like the glorious girl you are." She's the power inside you, you understand?'
"Her hands stayed where they were but released their pressure. 'And whatever it is that keeps widening your heart, that's Mary, too, not only the power inside you but the love. And when you get down to it, Lily, that's the only purpose grand enough for a human life. Not just to love-but to persist in love.'
"She paused. Bees drummed their sound into the air. August retrieved her hands from the pile on my chest, but I left mine there.
" 'This Mary I'm talking about sits in your heart all day long, saying, "Lily, you are my everlasting home. Don't you ever be afraid. I am enough. We are enough." '
"I closed my eyes, and in the coolness of the morning, there among the bees, I felt for one clear instant what she was talking about.
"When I opened my eyes, August was nowhere around. I looked back toward the house and I saw her crossing the year, her white dress catching the light."

This might be controversial to some - the idea of this black madonna inside of everyone, but I think those that find it controversial are taking it too much at it's surface value. 

This was one of my favorite sessions with my last therapist... This understanding I felt we shared when I left that room that you are enough. that everyone is. That there is a voice and a power - a spark inside that may get more faint at times... but that persists. That, in essence, it is a mother inside of you. The mother everyone needs and wants. Everyone does have in fact. Inside of them. That voice that tells them that they are okay. That they are enough. 

The voice that persists in love. 

That voice will never die, you just have to make sure to listen to it... and it will grow stronger. That voice personifies in compassion to others and moreso to oneself...  It is our caretaker, showing us that we can be our own mother. We can provide ourselves with that unconditional love - and that we should do so. What's more is that you can take that mother inside with you wherever you go. Nurture yourself and you nurture that voice.

You may not have had a warm and fuzzy mother as a child. That's okay, because you can be that mother to yourself. You deserve that mother and that mother lies within you. When we get older sometimes we think that we outgrow our need for parents and being parented, but we don't. Part of parenting is that love and nurture and care or comfort. We ALWAYS will be in need of that at moments in our lives.

We all are deserving of compassion and of love. The journey to those things starts with showing it to ourselves. We can love ourselves as though we are our own mothers. We all have that inside of ourselves.

saying, "I have an eating disorder"

I know. The title itself is scary, isn't it?

I remember the first time I uttered that phrase out loud. I was in the military (for people that know me, saying I was in the military seems really weird considering my personality type, but I was - look out for a post about that in the future). I was stationed on a base very close to where I currently live. I spent most of my time in the military denying i had one. Fighting the system that I thought was trying to bring me down... it was bringing me down, but not the portion I was fighting.

I was in a very dark place in my life. I was engaging in behaviors left and right, even at work - especially at work. I took some time off to go do a photoshoot at the Ohio State Reformatory, on my way back I visited a friend of mine at Purdue and while I was avoiding the sandwich on my plate at Panera I knew what I was going to do.

I got back to Scott and I had an appointment with the Psychologist on base on Wednesday and I broke down in her office and told her in not so many words that I did have an eating disorder and that I thought I was killing myself.

I didn't even actually get those words out, not like that anyways, but that was the first time I said something to that effect. It took me eight years to say it and stress that there was a serious problem happening. Eight years. I wound up going into a treatment program the Friday of that same week.

Currently, I've been thrust into this realm of publicity. I am getting interviewed on a weekly basis for doing something that I honestly don't think is a big deal, rather, something that needed to be done. I'm holding a fashion show with a variety of women that fairly resemble a random sampling of the women you encounter daily. Women in their teens to women in their 60s. A mayor of a local town even... Women of varying sizes, shapes, and ethnicities.

A show that I feel needed to happen.

In these interviews I've been trying to be vague when asked the dreaded "why?" question. I recently got an email from a lovely lady at St. Louis Kids Magazine. She wanted to do an interview with me regarding eating disorders, insurance companies, the show, and myself. She said she was willing to edit the article once it was online (she's one of their SmartParenting bloggers). I knew it was the perfect time for me to do it. Why did I finally come out and do it though?

Nourishing the Soul recently posted a link to a scholarly article regarding the stigma of eating disorders as opposed to depression. The findings revealed in the article were not surprising to me. The stigma for eating disorders is much higher in our society. It was this stigma that I knew existed that prompted me to self-disclose. It just happened to be odd fate that the day after the article came out that NTS would post that link on Twitter, fate that left me grounded in my decision.

There is NO shame in having an eating disorder. There is especially no shame in seeking help for one either. I do think that judgment should be used with disclosure, but I also strongly feel that it should not become a dirty little secret.

By not speaking about eating disorders we're helping that stigma stick around. Feeding it. It is not until we talk about it that things can change. It's what we don't see, what we don't talk about, what we don't know for certain that scares us the most. We need to educate and communicate.

I'm going to say that coming out of the eating disorder closet scared me (and still feel slightly odd), but I wouldn't go back and alter that decision. I chose that venue, because the kindness of Nicole (the author) and what I thought would be a smaller reader base (causing the revelation to slowly leak out rather than burst). I also didn't think I would personally get a response...

The day that article came out two of the members of the treatment team from the IOP program I went to emailed me unexpectedly. Compassion and care came. Compassion and care that I wasn't anticipating. Compassion and care that were very very much appreciated and made me wonder... if we showed that sort of care to people that reveal things of that nature (not even just eating disorders), maybe more people wouldn't wait as long to disclose their problems - if I had been able to say them eight years prior - or even a couple of years before I did...

if all of this happened I truly believe the stigma would start to fade away as people would learn in the process.

Educate and Communicate.