Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What Do I want?

*I Dedicate This Post To You Linda, RIP

A simple enough question to ask ourselves and one that we do daily. And easy enough to answer, Right? From Personal experience my answer would be no. When suffering from an eating disorder, many of our decisions are taken away from us along with our control and power. We essentially let our eating disorders make most of our decisions for us. Which is ironic really, considering many eating disorders begin when we feel we have little or no control in our lives. Yet even the smallest of choices can become huge and painfully overwhelming.

I've found that recovery is a lot about self discovery and getting in touch with not only who you are but what you truly want in life. It's about listening to your heart to help guide you, your mind to rationalise and help come to decisions and your body telling you what it really wants and needs. It's about reclaiming your power and taking back control of your body, your mind & your soul.

I want to share with you a small extract from my journal in which I describe an example of listening to myself and deciding what I really want...


"Just got back from a lovely walk with the gals... The weather was glorious and really warm...

As we walked around the park I observed all the beauty, all the fun, the children laughing, eating ice-cream and playing, the couples lazy around holding hands and it was lovely to see. It did make me a little sad. I thought 'I want some of that' and then I thought, 'Well, one day very soon you will Hanna. One step at a time hey?'

And then I thought "Okay, so what could I do right now to make me happy? What do I want?" And my answer came quickly- 'I want an ice-cream' "Wooaaahhhh..... Hang on there Missy! (My eating disorder pipes up) An ice-cream? Are you stoned?" "Erm nope, just fancy one of life's little pleasures...."

So, I went to the cafe (all the while stupidly nervous) stood in line and waited. They were all out...
*Phew* <<< *Eating disorder wipes forehead* I was somewhat disappointed though.
This just wasn't good enough! And then I saw it. Across the park, gleaming in the sunshine... An ice-cream van!! So, the girls and I set off to get ourselves some of that yummy goodness.
When we got to the van, we again stood in line. Inca was bored by this point and decided to do a big poop on the grassy bank. The mothers weren't happy. (I carry bags, don't worry) Of course I was surveying the menu, trying to figure out which would be 'the safest' and the one with the least calories.... I went for a 'Solero' The ice-lolly with 'only 90cals!' But as I was handing over the money I thought (excuse the language) "sod it!, I want a 'Mr Whippy Ice-cream' (UKers will know what I mean here) So, I changed my order and got one in a cup.
We went and sat on the bench and I slowly began eating it. It tasted nice. This scared me. Then I realised there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. It was an ice-cream and a yummy one at that....
This is what recovery is all about.....

Something so small and seemingly insignificant to others was not only a huge achievement for me but also very empowering. It really is the little things in life isn't it.

So, do yourself a favour today. Ask yourself "What do I want" And taste just how amazing it feels when you listen to you rather than your eating disorder....

Freedom is a choice and the choice is all yours for the taking!

With Much Love, smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

*As I said at the beginning of this post, I dedicate this to Linda who I sadly found out today has passed. She was a part of our community and a will be deeply missed. Linda was a true fighter and was determined to recover from her eating disorder and also raise much needed awareness. Sadly, she lost her battle before she managed to save herself. Let her passing be a reminder to us all that this disease does kill. Don't waste anymore time...

May You Have peace Now Linda


  1. Very moving and at the same time inspiring blog Hanna. You also are an inspiration to others. You're determination to kick ED out of your life is awesome it really is. You should be proud of yourself and all that you do to recover, and inspire others. I am proud of you (and proud to be your Mum) as I know many others are too. xx

  2. Hey beautiful, the excerpt from your journal about you eating a Mr Whippy on a park bench with Inca made me cry! :) I am so proud of you, you have come a long, long way. Life and recovery iteself don't have to be only a fight or a battle, they can be instead a wonderful and beautiful adventure, as you're discovering. How awesome to taste ice cream as if for the first time ever all over again! You are going to have many, many firsts and all of them, however small, will be a brilliant achievement, another step forward in your wonderful new life. You're like a butterfly emerging from your cocoon, long overdue, the world is at once the same but fantasticlly different and so are you. I love you. Well done for this inspiring blog. Keep at it and know that you are helping so many others as well as yourself. Stay strong. L xxx

  3. TruIt is so sad to hear about Laura. I never knew her, but just seing ED take another innocent life is just devestating :'( my prayers to her family and friends <3

    I find decisions extremely hard. I think I have always felt like this though? Idk, but ED has certainly made it worse. You are right though! Recovery is about trusting myself enough to make the right decisions instinctually :)

    Thanks so much for this amazing inspiration!



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