Recovery Literally Is.....

Walking On Fire

Okay now that may read a little over the top to you but let me explain a bit more :)

Last Friday I took part in a 'Firewalk' raising money for a local children's charity.  We were given  two hours of training before hand and the walk itself only lasted seconds but I have to say, I haven't felt so alive, energised and ecstatically happy in such a long, long time! 

My Family and friends (one of whom had surprised me and come all the way from London) were there to watch it, and I found out afterwards it actually brought a tear to their eyes seeing me too. 

Go back even a few months and there's no way I would have had the energy to have been able to do that and my mind would not have been focused enough either. 

Now, not that I can do firewalks everyday but, it's moments like those that I reaslise exactly why I am recovering. 

Feeling strength in my body, blood pumping through my veins, my eyes sparkling. Laughing with others and dancing barefooted in the dark. Seeing my family so happy and proud made my heart swell and my spirits soar.

Raising money to help the lives of children who are unable to do so themselves.

Having the choice and the energy to do all that!

On the Saturday, I went up to London to Support the first ever B-eat Parade. The turnout was small but I was so, so proud of the young women who had organised it and the others for getting out there, raising awareness and putting a voice to eating disorders- Breaking the silence!! 

Sunday was a glorious day and a friend of mine came over with her dogs. We took them to the beach, she treated us to lunch and the we went for a lovely long walk in the glorious sunshine... 

All in all, an absolutely fantastic weekend!

Today I am full of cold :( But with it, (you can always find an upside!) hope and belief in myself, in others and all that's still to come with recovery.

Instead of pushing myself like I'm known to, I am writing this in bed :) And instead of not eating much with the excuse of feeling ill/not going out, I will eat all I need to in order to fuel my body, nourish it and get better plus more if necessary (or just plain want!)

Why? 

Because I can walk on Fire, I can do anything and;


 I choose Life!! 


And So Can You!






~

I've included a wee video of my walk just incase you wanted a peak :) 

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Needing

So I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth. Things came up and I was busy and I put it off and... I’m just really sorry that I haven’t posted for a few weeks. I will honestly try and be more regular now.

When you’re a kid- let’s say four or five- if you are lucky enough to have come from a caring, healthy family environment, you are told when to eat. Your parents tell you how much to eat, and when to eat it, and when to play and when to sleep and when to get up.

Once you get a little older, you get more freedom. You get some choice in what you do and wear and yes, what you eat. If you want a biscuit, you don’t have to ask anymore.

When you get even older, all of that responsibility is on you. You make lists, shop, cook, eat, wash up. Rinse and repeat. You set the alarm clock and get up, or wake up when you want to. You are in control of your own life.

Unless you develop an eating disorder, and enter recovery.

You spend a lot of time watching the clock tick by, near to crying (sometimes crying) in frustration because you know you need to eat- and hell, you want to eat- but until somebody says ‘you need to get some food now’, you ‘can’t’.

You don’t know what to buy in a supermarket or how much is okay to spend. You don’t know if people will look and snigger and gossip if you buy a bag of crisps.

You don’t even know when to get up anymore. Getting up is having to deal with breakfast. But getting up is a chance to exercise. But getting up is hard when it doesn’t feel like there’s a point.

Eating disorders take you back to four years old, and they take your voice away at the same time. In recovery especially, you might go back to needing somebody else to do things for you. Needing somebody else to tell you what to eat, when to eat, how to eat it.

It’s a bit like relearning, reverting. And of course, for a lot of people who have never had a healthy relationship with food, it’s just plain learning. Learning to eat what you want in the right amounts, learning to not over or under-eat. It’s erasing the strict rules you set yourself and introducing healthy guidelines.

So yes, you might need somebody to tell you how much to eat. You might need somebody to tell you how much exercise is okay.

In recovery, you might just need more. That is okay.

It can be hard to accept that, I think. To accept that you need treating a little differently to most other people. To accept that it’s not just okay, but necessary.

You might feel like that four year old again (or for the first time). You might feel so dependent and needing- and if up until now you’ve relied on yourself and your own distorted beliefs, that can be hard.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that in recovery, you are going to need to rely on people. That is okay.

You aren’t always going to have the answers, or know the right thing to do. That is okay.

You are going to need more help. You are going to have to depend on people. Those things are truly, genuinely okay.

Accepting help and guidance doesn’t make you weak. Just because you feel like a child again doesn’t mean that’s what you’ve become. You are still a strong, independent, vibrant, amazing woman or man or girl or boy. Even if you feel so powerless and dependent inside, you are not.

Making the choice to let somebody else help you is one of the bravest things you can do. Don’t let pride or shame get in the way of that.

Jess xx

That Moment....

That moment when you’re staring at a restaurant menu; your hands are clammy, your heart pounding, your mind is racing.

You are terrified.

That moment when you feel awkward, like all eyes are on you as you desperately try to figure out what would be the ‘safest’ thing to order.

But it’s all so daunting.

That moment when your eyes are drawn to foods you’d really like, you know would taste yummy and  yet that little voice is telling you-

“No, you mustn’t have this, you can’t have that, have you any idea what’s in that!!”

It’s exhausting, it’s painful and it’s miserable.

That moment when the waitress comes to take the tables order and you take the longest, scared of what you may order. What if you slip up and actually order what you want???!!!

When you finally speak you don’t order what you want, what you fancy.

That moment when suddenly, you’re angry!

And you want some answers!

Why did you order that? Do you really want to eat it? Did it tickle your taste buds? Will you enjoy it? Why are you so afraid of a menu, of your own hunger? Why is it that others can order x but not you? Why should you not be allowed to eat what you want?

And what’s stopping you?

That moment when, before you know it, you’re racing to find a waitress. You find yourself asking if it’s too late to change your order?

You’ve changed your mind.

That moment when the food arrives and your table think they’ve brought you the wrong food but you turn to them and say;

“No, I’ve got exactly what I wanted”

And you eat it.  

And you enjoy every last bite.

That Moment is called Recovery

~

Adapted from something I wrote after an experience at the weekended.

What do you want today?

Happy Pancake Day!!

With Much Love, Smiles & Support, 

Hanna xx

When The Fog Clears...

And You Finally See The Madness….

As I’m getting further and further into my recovery, I’m really starting to see the madness that is my eating disorder.

For many years I truly believed it was I who was mad. I couldn’t understand why I did the things I did, 

why I felt so desperate at times.

But then I also didn’t see the utter control my eating disorder had over me. Over my mind and my actions.

I would just accept it was normal for me; that that was how my life was and always would be.

Thank goodness I was so wrong!

You see as I’m getting stronger and my vision is getting clearer, I can finally see and hear the madness without acting out the behaviours.

And although it’s scary to watch, 

it’s wonderful to no longer play such a big part in it.

I say that because yes, I do still struggle; I have my ups and downs. If I didn’t I would be fully recovered.

But although not yet there, this is my journey and that is my destination.

So I guess I just wanted to say to those of you in the early stages of recovery;

Don’t give up!

You are not mad; you have an eating disorder.

And although it may seem that things will never become clear, 

they will.

And to those of you already fully recovered;

I’ll see you soon J

And on this day; Valentines Day-

Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you love you <3

With Extra Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Just A Little Pointer

In A Great Direction....

My head is a little busy day and my thoughts a bit scattered after a busy and emotional few days but also due to lack of sleep.

So, rather than ramble on here, I am going to point you in the direction of this beautiful ladies blog sia jane , where she is also covering Anne Sophie"s (from fightinganorexia) 'Pro-Recovery project month'....

There have been some fantastic posts so far, read and get inspired!  I know I do....

And I'll hopefully have my head screwed on by tomorrow :)

With Much Love, Smiles & Support, 

Hanna x x x

Pro-ana

This is a potentially controversial post. I like to try and write about things that bother me… it’s cathartic. I like to think that reading what I write could make somebody feel a little more reassured or a little less lonely. I know it’s not the most inspiring writing style, but I like to think it could potentially help somebody.

Anyway. I’m going to make it clear straight off: I am NOT pro- anorexia. I would never encourage somebody to eat less or lose more. I do not believe this illness is a lifestyle choice or a good thing. I really, really dislike pro-ana websites and blogs. They scare me and I think they’re dangerous places. But…

Pro-ana stands for pro- anorexia. Pro-mia is pro- bulimia, and pro- ED is pro- eating disorder. That’s where the simple part ends. Pro-ana has been defined in so many ways now.

At one end of the scale, there’s the twisted sites out to promote anorexia as a lifestyle choice, and give the disease to unsuspecting children. The other end is the ‘support forums’- places that fully support recovery, but are full of girls and boys who currently feel unable to make that step.

So which one is true?

… I used to visit pro-ana sites. A lot. I’m prepared to bet that quite a few people reading this did too.

Did I encourage people to fast or lose weight? No. Did I believe it was a lifestyle? No. Did I want to entice young children into eating disorders? Of course not!

It took a little while before the reality of what I was doing sank in and the ‘honeymoon period’ ended. I think that’s the same for a lot of people. For a while it was new. I was losing weight, I was feeling rewarded, and it was exciting. Yes, I was able to see people with low BMIs and think ‘they are too thin… I’m scared for them’- but I never thought to apply that to myself.

But of course, that changed… it had to. It always does. It stopped being fun. I wasn’t ‘choosing’ not to eat anymore- it physically was not an option. And that was when I turned to those sites the most. I wanted somebody who understood what I was going through, who could appreciate the shitty crappy disordered thoughts. I wasn’t ‘ready’ to recover. I didn’t feel I could. I just wanted to speak to somebody who ‘got’ it, and those sites offered me that chance.

Now I’m a bit wiser, I know there are hundreds of places where you can get that support… thousands, in fact. Helplines, recovery based websites, friends, family. But I didn’t know that then. I clung to pro-ana because that was all I knew.

I’m not denying that there are places that will offer the kind of thing the newspapers like to report about. But I am saying that not everybody is like that. Not every single person who has ever used a pro ana site is out to tell your kids they’re fat. I’d take a risk and say that the majority are not.

Are the sites themselves bad? I believe they’re very, very dangerous. If they were made illegal or all shut down, I would be happy. So yes, I think the sites are ‘bad’. But this is not about the concept of pro-anorexia or the sites that carry variations of its message. This is not even about the people who run them. This is about the people who use them.

I think that most of the people are just plain sad. They’re hurting. Eating disorders hurt. Saying somebody is evil for using pro-ana is telling them they are evil for suffering. It’s lonely, it’s crap, it’s sad. Most of us have been there. That’s why I clung to those sites for so long… to try and make it hurt even a little bit less.

I am NOT saying ‘go on a pro-ED forum if you have an eating problem’. Absolutely not. I wouldn’t advise those sites to anybody. I would encourage anybody who is on them to leave them and seek alternative- and to be blunt, better- means of support. There is only so much help you can receive when surrounded by triggers with every click. The bad definitely outweighs the good.

I think what I’m trying to get across is that it upsets me when people label ‘pro anorexics’ as vile, disgusting trash. I wish they didn’t just take what they read in the newspapers and magazines for granted. Calling somebody who already hates themselves a bad person is going to help how, exactly?

And if you ever associated yourself with that 'pro ana' label- I don't want you to feel bad for that. I don't think you need to feel ashamed of that. I definitely believe you need to keep strong and stay away from those dark corners of the internet- but I don't believe that you are not a bad person for having used them. I genuinely don't.

Hate pro-anorexia all you want. Hate anorexia all you want- I certainly do. But don’t hate the people who just clung to it because it was all they knew they had.

What do you think? Did you ever go on pro-ana sites? If you did- how do you feel, looking back on it now?

Endless love,

Jess xx

PS: if you're currently stuck on pro-ana, google 'recovery forums'. There are lots with varying degrees of 'strictness'. There are helplines and anonymous chat forums that can be useful too. Speaking to a friend or family member can be hard but helpful. If you're of school age, there might be a counselling department you could contact for confidential help. Pro-ana isn't something that makes you a bad person- but it's something that is ultimately only damaging you further.

Anger, Pain, Passion....

And extremely mixed up dreams….

Oh the joy of feelings and emotions!! And boy, I am feeling a lot right now! 

Some very positive; Passion, excitement, happiness and some not so; Anger, sadness and pain.

But you know what? I’m feeling! And that in itself feels great!

You see for so long I was numb and cold. I couldn’t feel anything except the hunger in my stomach and the bitterness in my throat.

At times I wanted to but it all just felt like too much. It was as though I couldn’t handle what us as human beings go through so instead would turn to my eating disorder as a way of escape.

But as I’m coming more into life, and into my body, I’m finally starting to ‘thaw out’ and open the floodgates to emotions locked away for far too long.

The anger I feel is very much directed at my eating disorder.

The sadness I feel is over time, love and life lost 

and the pain from suddenly being so aware of all this.

But at last, the anger is toward my eating disorder and not myself or those I love. 

Yes I’ve lost a lot of time through being ill but I still have so much time ahead of me. 

Love may have been lost too but I’m opening myself up to so much more now.

 Starting with love for myself. 

And yes, it’s painful to become aware of all this but it’s a drive to keep going too... 

There is no way around, only through.

I’ve also been having some extremely mixed up dreams, full of the past, present and future. They have been very vivid and incredibly strong. But I’m actually happy to be dreaming again! My nights have been void of dreams for so long and if there have been any, they would normally be food/anxiety related. 

These ones are bold and beautiful!

~

When you are open, so is life and all its opportunities.

Feel all you need to feel. 

Allow yourself to experience all that comes with recovery, with coming back 

to life!

With much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Learning to Fly.

I learned how to fly.


I’m still not sure how I ended up in this situation, but at the end of last summer I found myself signed up for trapeze lessons at The Cincinnati Circus Company. Not too odd you say? I beg to differ.


While I don’t have a fear of heights I have an incredibly strong and irrational fear of ladders and anything involving getting from point A to B As I child I never made it up to the ropes courses or flew down a zip line. Even the idea of such an outing would make me worry incessantly and stay home from school or camp.

Nevertheless I have challenged this fear many times as an adult and been able to do things like climb up Half Dome at Yosemite or scale rock climbing walls. These somehow were lesser evils than ladders!

I knew all week that I was going to be making this outing to trapeze school, yet it wasn’t until I saw a ladder lying in the middle of this highway on Saturday, after it had fallen off a truck that I realized I wasn’t going to magically appear at the trapeze platform. There was going to be a ladder involved.

The whole way down to Cincinnati I felt the fear brewing in me. I was secretly hoping for an out. I didn’t want to face the evil metal rungs! We arrived a half-hour early to the rig. That was just enough time for me to stare at the ladder, two stories high and shaky and thin as can be. This was a disaster!

After hooking up our safety belts and a quick flying lesson we were ready to start our ascent to the platform. I was the fourth in our group to go. Kicking off my shoes I started upward. Sweat was pouring down my back, my arms and legs were wobbling. I couldn’t think of anything except reaching for the next rung and moving upwards. Short of falling, down wasn’t an option. I don’t know how long it took, but soon enough I was at the platform. The staff changed around my lines and it was time.


Ready….Hup (the signal to go)!

I jumped.

It was exhilarating, terrifying, surreal, and thrilling all at once. Alive. Nothing existed for those moments besides me and the air. Freedom. Beauty. Life.


This freedom and high is so foreign to the monotony and safety of everyday life. Time is spent looking to the past or to the future. Even the times when we think we are present we can often be found multitasking, either physically or mentally. Flying stops this. There is no opportunity to act in any capacity but in the now. There is a forced return to our instinct and our natural state of being free from that which keeps us tied to the ground.

Flying on a trapeze is an instantaneous explosion of this feeling of all encompassing joy, however similar highs can be found through yoga. It takes much longer and lots of practice, but at times I find myself in this same mindset. Nothing exists besides my breath and my body as I move through the postures. I become one and if I’m lucky this practice can last beyond the mat. Finding this experience can take time and patience, sometimes this patience can be as difficult as facing our fears, such as I did in climbing the ladder.

Life can be lived, day in and day out. The same routines, the same patterns. One can get by this way, however it is truly only getting by. Live your live. Step outside of your comfort zone. Take a risk.

“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

-Elif Shafek

Deserving

I’ve heard a lot of talking recently about deserving. That’s not from just one person- it’s been a mix of things posted on forums and things I’ve heard in real life.

Dictionary.com defines ‘to deserve’ as

1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward,assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation.

So essentially, to have done something that means what is occurring is right, appropriate, just.

I think with eating disorders, that sense of deservingness (apparently a word) gets a bit screwed up along the line. Personally, I like to put this down to two main reasons- obviously there are many more, but here are two ones I believe play a big role:

1) Low self-esteem. If you believe you’re worthless, awful or a bad person, it’s easy to convince yourself that you deserve bad things and don’t deserve the good ones.

2) Bringing worth into matters where it shouldn’t matter. The main example here is believing that food or happiness is something that a person deserves- or does not.

I often hear phrases banded around- ‘I deserve to be miserable’, ‘I don’t deserve to eat’, ‘I deserve to suffer because of my eating disorder’. To take it back to the definition:

‘… because of actions, qualities, or situation.’

Let’s use the ‘I deserve misery’ thing. Really? Why? What horrible, horrific action is it you did that made you so vile, so evil that you deserved to be unhappy forever? I’ve told myself I deserve to be unhappy because I’m attention seeking at times.

… that’s hardly stamping on a puppy.

What’s your reasoning for why you deserve bad things? Trying to be as unbiased as possible, ask yourself ‘just what is it I’ve done that’s so bad that it makes me deserve pain or sadness?’

(For the record, I don’t think there’s anything a person can do to make them deserve either.)

You might be sighing. Going ‘oh, come on. I know I didn’t kill anyone. Maybe I don’t deserve awful things- but I just don’t really deserve good things.’

That’s point two. So let’s roll with the idea that you don’t deserve food. If we assume that’s true: why don’t you?

How exactly does a person lose their right to that? What action is it that crosses the moral event horizon to the point where you are not allowed to put food you enjoy into your mouth on a regular basis?

There are some basic things- food, water, air- that are required for life. They’re the essentials. Food is more than just fuel; of course it is. It can bring comfort or bonding or a little piece of happiness. But at the absolute baseline, it is really fuel. So how the hell can we not deserve the thing our bodies require to run on? Food is not a privilege or an accessory. It’s an essential. Not feeding your body because you ‘don’t deserve it’ is like not filling up your car because it ‘doesn’t deserve’ petrol. You can’t expect your body or that car to work if you aren’t giving them a basic requirement.

And then there’s the idea that you deserve to be in pain or suffer because you have an eating disorder. It was you who chose to restrict or binge or purge, so you chose the consequences. It’s fitting, right? The punishment matches the ‘crime’.

Except that I call bullshit on that one too. These are effects of diseases. Not petty little choices made because we got bored or wanted to fuck around with people- an eating disorder is a disease. It isn’t undefeatable or too much for you to change- not by a long shot- but it’s not your fault.

And if it wasn’t your fault, how can you deserve the punishment?

Sorry for a rambly and potentially very unhelpful post. All the same, I’d love to hear any comments- do you often fall into the ‘I don’t deserve X’ traps? Do you believe that a person can not deserve food? Or is it all just yet another way that our eating disorders try to ruin our sense of self-worth?

Love,

Jess xx

Hang On To Every Reason.....

And Never Let Go…

First and foremost, only you can choose to recover. It doesn’t matter how much others want you to or even beg you to, until you decided to do it for you, it just wont happen.

That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong in having ‘reasons to recover’ other than the obvious ones.

Some day’s I find it really helps to remind myself of these reasons and hang onto them with all my might.

Especially on day’s where I may be struggling somewhat or feeling a little overwhelmed.

Yesterday, for example, seeing my Nanna looking so frail yet still strong and full of love for me gave me the push I needed to eat my afternoon snack.

Later that same day, a simple text from my Mum helped to ease the slight panic I was feeling. It gave me a shove in the right direction (dinner) which in turn gave me the energy I needed to go out singing last night.

When I arrived for my group, there was a ‘Zumba’ class on. It looked like so much fun; exciting and uplifting; the women (and one guy) all looked radiant and full of health.

It reminded me how much I want to not only feel but exude that radiance too. 

All the more reason and motivation to keep pushing forward and getting stronger!

After a fab and invigorating evening of singing, I arrived home quite late. Even though my head was telling me it was far to late to eat a snack, I knew better.

I sat there with it, writing this piece in fact.

After finishing, I realised I was still hungry but was going to go to bed. Then I stopped. How could I possibly write a piece on reasons to recover when I am about to go to bed hungry?

 I am so glad I caught myself.

So you, where my reasons right then J

Whatever your reasons, whomever inspires you or those things that motivate you, Hang on to them and never let go.

And remember- you are doing this for you but the little things all count too.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

The Illusion

It is misconception that people who suffer from eating disorders are easy to spot; emaciated, drawn, pale, lifeless, and lying on a couch all day. The majority of people with an eating disorder actually look relatively “normal” the majority of the time, residing at a seemingly normal or even higher weight and carrying out the activities of daily life: work, friends, and of course working out. The imagined ideal of an eating disorder can only be maintained (I shouldn’t use maintained here since it is always in flux at this juncture) for a short period of time and if prolonged can and will lead to death. Chronic eating disorders don’t survive in this state.

The side effect I want to discuss however isn’t the physical side, but rather the mental side that exists throughout the life of a chronic eating disorder.

The Illusion.

I lived, if one can use that word, in this state for the better part of my eating disorder, slipping in and out of it from time to time, but staying in this phase throughout the majority of my mid to late twenties. To the outsider I maintained a full life of school, work, dating and friends, but inside I continued to crumble. I was holding up the weight of my illusion, piling it on more and more each day, holding up this inauthentic facade.

Perhaps it would have been easier to strap a billboard to my back.


I kept trying to convince myself that I was engaged in life since after all I had all the outward signs of it, but each night I returned home utterly exhausted and unhappy. I pushed for more in all realms: more work, longer workouts, and more dates with different men. I believed that somewhere one had to hold the key to myself since for some reason I kept failing at this thing call life.

I judged myself by others, comparing my life to those I barely knew, the friend of a friend on Facebook, those I passed by on the streets, perhaps seeing their full lives of relationships, work, travels, family, and children. I had to make myself feel better, flipping it to the exterior and feeling like a success in that yes I perhaps was thinner, worked out more and had more control, when in truth I was the one spiraling out of control and winding deeper into my illusion.

Life became what I did rather than what I was.

Human doing instead of human being.

Constant doing has the effect of flattening years together, barely able to distinguish one period of time from the next. Alcoholics and those with other addiction disorders often report similar experiences. They emerge into recovery with a hazy fog of what they have been through. Perhaps this is the bodies way of lessening the pain of the loss of so many years, the loss of opportunity, and the loss of life. A discussion of this using the terms loss can seem negative, but I don’t view it that way. As I've written before, I don’t regret any of what I have been through. It is a part of my life and allows me to view the world in different ways, putting me in a unique position to help others.

I continue to move through recovery, two steps forward, one step back, a dance with life I happily and authentically engage in, simultaneously painful and joyful, all the while dancing away from my illusion.

On being weird

A friend of my mother’s came around today with her daughter, who’s still at secondary school. I get back from college at around half five and usually have my snack straight away, but I didn’t want to eat in front of them, so it was agreed they would leave at 6PM. So they came around, Mum picked me up, and I chatted to her daughter for a little while.

When I checked the clock, it was 6.08PM. I started to panic a little. I glanced over at the kitchen where they were but they seemed deep in conversation. 6.15PM. I got up and paced a bit. 6.20PM. I went through to the kitchen and put my coat away- the woman didn’t even look around. 6.30PM and Mum is trying to politely get her to leave and she is going ‘oh, is that the time? I didn’t notice. Did I tell you about what happened with my colleague the other day?’

I was nearly in tears. I was thinking that it was a hour later than usual and she hadn’t gone yet and she was going to be here forever and it would be so much easier to just say ‘I’m not eating!’ She did eventually, very slowly, leave. I was nearly in tears again, telling Mum ‘I’m really sorry and I know I’m crazy and weird but I get strange about time and it’s really late and we’re off schedule and that scares me a lot’. She was very understanding and sympathetic.

Back when I was healthy I would have come in, eaten whatever the hell I wanted and not cared if they didn’t leave until 9PM. Back when I was relapsing, I would have kept them around as long as possible to avoid eating. But now I’m in recovery, I suddenly have no idea what to do. Am I supposed to be flexible with eating times? Yes? But then it’d be like 7PM and I’d have to eat a lot of food in three hours. So do I go straight to dinner? But I usually eat late so that would be wrong too.

Maybe it’s OCD, maybe it’s anorexia- I think it’s a little of both. But either way, flexibility when it comes to eating is not an option for me. I eat this amount at this time. Any attempts to change that terrify me. Breakfast later, dinner out, lunch early- for some reason, I panic. I don’t know what’s coming or what’s happening and I can’t plan it out and I get very anxious. I think quite a lot of people can relate to that.

But I do think that with recovery, there’s a certain element of ‘whatever gets you by’. Only ever eating with a book to distract you might not be normal- but if that gets in food that you wouldn’t be eating otherwise, I think that in the short term it’s okay. At the start of my recovery, I’d choose what I wanted to eat the day before, similar to the menu forms they give out in hospital. That’s sure as hell not normal, but it relaxed my anxiety a lot. Eating at set times and knowing what I am going to eat makes the whole thing less daunting. The panic lessens and I can eat more easily.

I’m not saying ‘taking laxatives is fine if it calms you down after eating’. Of course I’m not. Replacing disordered behaviour with disordered behaviour is like saying ‘I used to steal DVDs, but now I’m completely fine because I only steal computer games’.

What I am saying is be gentle with yourself. Some of your behaviours around food may not be 100% normal- but it’s small steps, you know? You don’t become a completely socially acceptable eating person overnight. Don’t let shame over coping strategies let you slip back into easier, disordered ways.

Whilst there’s no denying that those behaviours may hold you back and it’s a good idea to work on letting go of them, I do personally believe that if it helps you to stop engaging in disordered behaviours like restricting, purging or binging, then it’s okay to be a little weird.

Of course, you might disagree, and that’s okay. So what do you think? Is flexible eating difficult for you? Do you think a strict routine and other coping strategies are a help or a hindrance?

Jess xx

I Lost Another Day Today....

I don’t know where it went. 

One minute it was 6am, the next it’s time for bed.

I’m trying to trace my footsteps, along the path my day may have gone. But nothing’s very clear right now;

 I’m not feeling particularly strong.

I know I saw some people; I may have spent some time.

 But ask what conversations were had, my mind goes blank, my thoughts blurred, my heart unsure.

If another were asked if they saw me, they may be quite confused too. I expect there answer would be “yes in body, but her sparkle, her spirit, her mind, just weren’t there"

 Nothing felt real, words quite untrue.

I wondered round in circles, not knowing my left from my right. 

One second I was treading ground, the next floating above it all, struggling to keep afloat.

I kept thinking I needed to do something, be somewhere, but couldn’t place exactly what or where. After what could have been minutes or hours, my brain seemed to simply not care.

You know it’s really quite scary, to loose a day like that.

 But to watch it happen and feel so powerless, can have an extreme and difficult impact. 

~

This was written after a day of falling back into the tight grip of anorexia. 

The effects are obvious, the feelings strong.

 It's not a day I want to repeat.

And it's not a day I have to either.

Today is a new day. 

You can always start anew. 

Sometimes you simply have to.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support, 

Hanna xx

Letting Go...

Todays Post Is Brought To You 

By The Lovely Georgia; Thank You..

One of the scariest parts of recovery is accepting that you have to let go of the behaviours you’ve become accustomed to – the ones that make you feel ‘safe’. 

It’s so easy to try and excuse those behaviours:

“It doesn’t really matter if I weigh my breakfast cereal because at least I’m eating it”

“It won’t hurt to know exactly how many calories are in this piece of fruit”

“I only do x amount of push ups every day because I sit still a lot and I need to do something different”

Those little gems are things I’ve come up with myself. They probably sound crazy to anyone else. Realistically though, I know that if I’m going to get my life back from the controlling, destructive bitch that this eating disorder is I’ll have to stop those behaviours.

What I have to ask myself is “what is this disorder giving me?”

I’ll tell you what mine’s given me.

It’s given me bad low blood pressure that means I often stagger and can’t see properly when I stand up.

It’s given me lanugo on my back and ribs – because every young woman wants to have fur, obviously.

It’s stopped me enjoying everything I used to love and is ruining my relationships with family and friends.

Worth it? No, I don’t think it is. For what is a superficial feeling of ‘safety’ if it will quickly leave you feeling on edge again? What is the use in punishing yourself, be it through restricting, purging or excessive exercise, because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t?

Think back to a time when you were healthy.

 I remember I used to look in the mirror and feel powerful; I had a strong, feminine body and I liked it.

 Now when I look in the mirror, I see someone ill. She isn’t even really me anymore – she’s a poor man’s version of the woman I used to be. Her figure looks wasted and her face looks hollow. 

This isn’t worth it: it’s not worth losing your identity and joy just for the fleeting relief fulfilling a disordered though gives you.

I will be the real me again, and you can be too. 

We deserve kindness, health and strength, each and every one of us – but the only way to achieve that is to leave our disordered behaviours behind.

 We can do this. It’s time to let go.

Love,

 Georgia

Five Ways to Make the Most out of Therapy

(I'm late! I had exams, sorry- stress! Thank you so much for all of your comments on posts- they're amazing to read.)

I’ll be honest here: therapy is not always easy. I’ve spent a good proportion of my therapy sessions huddled in my chair, knees up and hugged to my chest, eyes down and refusing to talk. I’ve walked out of a fair few sessions too.

About half a year ago I started seeing my current therapist, and for one of the first times I’m actually getting something out of therapy. I’m making more progress now than I ever have before. Now, you might have never been to a therapist or you might have been to thirty. I suppose this is more aimed at people that are new to this whole scary ‘therapy’ thing, or who have kind of given up on it. Either way, I thought I’d just share a few things that have helped me out.

1) Find a therapist you like.

Due to various people coming and going, I’ve seen over fifteen therapists in 18 months. I’ve had to stop seeing a few for various reasons. Sometimes personalities clash. Sometimes techniques don’t quite work with you. And sometimes they’re just… without meaning to put anybody off, there are therapists out there who probably shouldn’t be doing their jobs. You may have encountered a few- be they rude, ignorant or triggering.

But for every one of them, there’s one hundred committed, kind, non-triggering people. You are fully entitled to ‘look around’.

But: make sure you think about why things aren’t working with the person. Is it genuine? Or is it just because they’re making you think about things you don’t want to? Make sure your eating disorder doesn’t use this as an excuse.

2) Experiment with different techniques.

I know people who freeze up completely when talking, but can do a lot of good work in art therapy. Or people that cannot stand family therapy, but found DBT helped them out of a relapse. It varies. Don’t think ‘I tried therapy and it doesn’t work’ because one method didn’t help. There are hundreds of methods and everybody is different in what helps them and what doesn’t. Try different things- you never know what mind end up helping.

But: again, don’t let this be an excuse. Don’t stick with one method because you don’t have to think about the hard stuff. Therapy should be as easy as possible- but it also needs to be useful, and that means you are going to have to do some difficult things.

3) Try non-verbal communication.

Give your therapist a letter, send them an email, draw something. I managed to get something very difficult across in the form of a typed letter, because I knew I’d find it too challenging to say out loud. And it worked. Sometimes writing something is a lot overwhelming than speaking words out loud.

But: by this, I do absolutely NOT mean ‘lose weight’ or ‘self-harm’. Using your body to ask for help will never work- people aren’t mind (or body) readers. It might seem clear to you why you’re losing weight, but if you don’t tell them what’s going on, they’re never going to know or be able to help.

4) Talk about what you want to talk about- don’t just nod along

Like I said, therapists can’t mind-read. If there’s an issue that you’d like to talk about, tell them. Say at the beginning of the session, ‘something’s come up this week that I’d like to talk about’ or similar things. They are there for you. It’s fine if they plan sessions or have ideas of their own- but nobody knows what will help you the most better than yourself.

Equally, you can say no. If they say something like ‘do you think you’re behaving this way because of X?’, you are fully entitled to go ‘no, I don’t think that’s right’. It is okay to say you don’t think something would help. Like I said, not everyone is the same. It can be very difficult to tell your therapist that you don’t think they’re right, but there is absolutely no point in agreeing with something that isn’t true for you.

But: Again, don’t just use this to avoid hard issues. Don’t just go ‘you’re wrong’ to anything that might indicate you need to change things. Take the time to fully consider what they’re suggesting before you decide whether or not it would help.

5) Give yourself, and it, time.

It might take a while to build trust. Don’t just go to one session and go ‘it was shit, so unhelpful, couldn’t say a thing, she was a bitch’. I’m not judging you if you do that, by the way- I’ve done that. But the truth is that it’s quite unusual to be able to open up fully to a person as soon as possible. Things get easier with time, and this isn’t an exception to that rule. Each session you might find that you can push things a little further, and get a little more feedback in response. Just because you can’t ‘get it’ at first doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, or that you’re ‘beyond help’.

But: don’t stay around in something that isn’t working for too long. If it’s been a good few sessions and you’re still getting nowhere- why are you staying? Is it honestly to give it a chance? Or is it just because it’s easiest?

Good lord, I write essays, don’t I? Hopefully the list format breaks things up a bit. I know this hasn’t been the most amazing post and it’s late, so I’m sorry- it’s been a busy week.

Anyway- do you see a therapist? If not, why not? What experiences have you had- best and worst?

Love,
Jess xxx

Coming Into Your Body...

And Becoming A Woman Again

An eating disorder takes so much from you, from your life. 

It engulfs your body, mind and spirit.

 It strips you bare and leaves you vulnerable and numb. 

It takes away your womanhood and leaves you in a childlike state,
 physically and mentally.

What comes with recovery and with becoming well again is your chance to reclaim your body. 


To  embrace it and all the wonderful lumps, bumps and curves that come with it.
(Yes, you read right! ;)

But what comes with the wonders of womanhood is also the pain.  It’s not an easy process and it can be very difficult and scary.

For so long, your eating disorder has made you feel unworthy, uncomfortable in your own skin, undeserving of enjoying your body.

But it is your body. 


It is the one you entered this world in and the one you will leave behind.
 It is pure energy, your vehicle.

And not only does it need nourishment but love, care and pleasure too.

Your body is nothing to be feared. 
It is not your enemy. 


Being a woman is such an amazing and powerful thing, the female form one of such beauty.

Why continue to punish it?

Possibly easier said than done, I know, but not impossible.

Find your strength, lean on your support and come into your body again.

Be proud of who you are!

With much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

 

PS: Guys, this comes from a female perspective but all the above applies to you too. You are a strong and beautiful man! :)