Learning to Fly.

I learned how to fly.


I’m still not sure how I ended up in this situation, but at the end of last summer I found myself signed up for trapeze lessons at The Cincinnati Circus Company. Not too odd you say? I beg to differ.


While I don’t have a fear of heights I have an incredibly strong and irrational fear of ladders and anything involving getting from point A to B As I child I never made it up to the ropes courses or flew down a zip line. Even the idea of such an outing would make me worry incessantly and stay home from school or camp.

Nevertheless I have challenged this fear many times as an adult and been able to do things like climb up Half Dome at Yosemite or scale rock climbing walls. These somehow were lesser evils than ladders!

I knew all week that I was going to be making this outing to trapeze school, yet it wasn’t until I saw a ladder lying in the middle of this highway on Saturday, after it had fallen off a truck that I realized I wasn’t going to magically appear at the trapeze platform. There was going to be a ladder involved.

The whole way down to Cincinnati I felt the fear brewing in me. I was secretly hoping for an out. I didn’t want to face the evil metal rungs! We arrived a half-hour early to the rig. That was just enough time for me to stare at the ladder, two stories high and shaky and thin as can be. This was a disaster!

After hooking up our safety belts and a quick flying lesson we were ready to start our ascent to the platform. I was the fourth in our group to go. Kicking off my shoes I started upward. Sweat was pouring down my back, my arms and legs were wobbling. I couldn’t think of anything except reaching for the next rung and moving upwards. Short of falling, down wasn’t an option. I don’t know how long it took, but soon enough I was at the platform. The staff changed around my lines and it was time.


Ready….Hup (the signal to go)!

I jumped.

It was exhilarating, terrifying, surreal, and thrilling all at once. Alive. Nothing existed for those moments besides me and the air. Freedom. Beauty. Life.


This freedom and high is so foreign to the monotony and safety of everyday life. Time is spent looking to the past or to the future. Even the times when we think we are present we can often be found multitasking, either physically or mentally. Flying stops this. There is no opportunity to act in any capacity but in the now. There is a forced return to our instinct and our natural state of being free from that which keeps us tied to the ground.

Flying on a trapeze is an instantaneous explosion of this feeling of all encompassing joy, however similar highs can be found through yoga. It takes much longer and lots of practice, but at times I find myself in this same mindset. Nothing exists besides my breath and my body as I move through the postures. I become one and if I’m lucky this practice can last beyond the mat. Finding this experience can take time and patience, sometimes this patience can be as difficult as facing our fears, such as I did in climbing the ladder.

Life can be lived, day in and day out. The same routines, the same patterns. One can get by this way, however it is truly only getting by. Live your live. Step outside of your comfort zone. Take a risk.

“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

-Elif Shafek

Letting Go...

Todays Post Is Brought To You 

By The Lovely Georgia; Thank You..

One of the scariest parts of recovery is accepting that you have to let go of the behaviours you’ve become accustomed to – the ones that make you feel ‘safe’. 

It’s so easy to try and excuse those behaviours:

“It doesn’t really matter if I weigh my breakfast cereal because at least I’m eating it”

“It won’t hurt to know exactly how many calories are in this piece of fruit”

“I only do x amount of push ups every day because I sit still a lot and I need to do something different”

Those little gems are things I’ve come up with myself. They probably sound crazy to anyone else. Realistically though, I know that if I’m going to get my life back from the controlling, destructive bitch that this eating disorder is I’ll have to stop those behaviours.

What I have to ask myself is “what is this disorder giving me?”

I’ll tell you what mine’s given me.

It’s given me bad low blood pressure that means I often stagger and can’t see properly when I stand up.

It’s given me lanugo on my back and ribs – because every young woman wants to have fur, obviously.

It’s stopped me enjoying everything I used to love and is ruining my relationships with family and friends.

Worth it? No, I don’t think it is. For what is a superficial feeling of ‘safety’ if it will quickly leave you feeling on edge again? What is the use in punishing yourself, be it through restricting, purging or excessive exercise, because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t?

Think back to a time when you were healthy.

 I remember I used to look in the mirror and feel powerful; I had a strong, feminine body and I liked it.

 Now when I look in the mirror, I see someone ill. She isn’t even really me anymore – she’s a poor man’s version of the woman I used to be. Her figure looks wasted and her face looks hollow. 

This isn’t worth it: it’s not worth losing your identity and joy just for the fleeting relief fulfilling a disordered though gives you.

I will be the real me again, and you can be too. 

We deserve kindness, health and strength, each and every one of us – but the only way to achieve that is to leave our disordered behaviours behind.

 We can do this. It’s time to let go.

Love,

 Georgia

Looking After You......

And not giving in to your thoughts.

So, it’s only 5 days to until Christmas, my, has this year flown by for me!

Am I excited?

Yes because I get to spend some quality time with my family.

But I’m also a little anxious too.

You see, for many years now, Christmas time has not been very easy for me. Many with an eating disorder can find the holiday period stressful. A lot of emphasis is put on food and there can also be a feeling of pressure to ‘conform’.

In the past, although I’ve enjoyed being with my family, inside I have often felt frustrated, alone and terrified. Watching those I love let go, eat good food and make merry whilst I tortured and denied myself, not just the food but the experience too.

And then of course there was last year. I spent my Christmas day and New Years Eve in a hospital. My Mum was alone and deeply afraid for her daughter, my Dad pretty much the same (although he at least had his wife with him)

No presents were exchanged, no laughter was had. All in all it was a pretty awful time for all of us.

I clearly remember sitting there, looking at the hospital Christmas tree and thinking;

“No Christmas of mine will ever be like this again”

But I’m not telling you all this to make you feel sorry for me. Nor am I wallowing in what was.

The fact is, this year I am not in hospital. And although not yet fully recovered, I am healthier and stronger.

This year I will be spending it with my family. Gifts will be passed around, there will be laughter and yes, I will be eating yummy food and enjoying the whole experience too!

I’ m not putting pressure on myself however, what will be will be.  It’s not about the food (must be included though!) or the presents, but the company and the fun.

The main thing is I will be there!

And I will look after myself too.

It really is only one day but it is a day I want to look back on and smile.

~

Whatever your plans are this Christmas; please look after yourself as well. Let go if you can and just allow yourself to enjoy being present and apart of the celebrations. Don’t put pressure on yourself to ‘keep up’ with everyone else, it’s not about that. Do what you know is the right thing for you. Don't give into your self destructive thoughts and let your eating disorder dominate your day. 

 Enjoy!

I’ll be thinking of you…

Wishing you an extremely Happy Christmas.

With Much Love, Smiles, & Support.

Hanna xx

PS: Here's a link to Beat: Coping At Christmas which provides some good support and pointers. There's also Something Fishy that's worth checking out too. 

Don't be alone! <3