I had a blog post in mind for this week. I'd planned what I wanted to talk about, I even started writing it a good few days ago.
And then yesterday happened. I had a pretty bad day. My mind was all over the place, I was feeling very low and finding it really hard to keep focused.
To stay in the present.
I found it very difficult to keep doing what I know I needed to do, everything seeming a struggle. But I did, even though my eating disorder was screaming at me all day. I even challenged myself and stepped outside of my comfort zone a few times.
I went up to see my Nanna early afternoon and she was very depressed. She was still in bed, it was 13:30. I spent an hour with her, sat on her bed holding her hand and telling her how much I love her and how much of an inspiration she is to me. I hate seeing her like that. I do worry about her, as she does me.
But that also gave me even more reasons to keep doing the right thing. As exhausting as it is at times.
Come the afternoon, after meeting my Mum in the park and enjoying a yummy ice-cream in the glorious sunshine, I was feeling a lot better. I got back to the house and started to prepare dinner. And then, Bam! Again my eating disorder stepped right in.
I suddenly couldn't decide what I wanted for dinner and started to become very overwhelmed. But, after much pacing of the kitchen (My dog Inca was not impressed) and battling with my inner voice I went with what I'd originally planned.
And it was pretty tasty too.
My plan was to finish writing my post afterwards whilst relaxing. But relaxing wasn't easy and my mind was still wondering. Plus loneliness had kicked in by that point and after staring at the screen and messing abound on the internet until 12:30am I went to bed, hoping the morning would be better.
But it wasn't. It took me an hour to decide what to have for breakfast. I often decide the night before to make it easier but I wanted to see if I could just
'go with it'.
Obviously not wise at this stage of my recovery.
But, I eventually chose and ate it even though it wasn't that enjoyable.
And now, here I sit writing this and probably going on a little too much but all this actually brings me to the point I was going to talk about anyway (we always get there in the end:0)
And that was about learning to look after yourself again and always doing the next right thing.
And doing it continuously.
Recovery is a learning process. Each day you are faced with new challenges, new obstacles, new fears. At times it may seem too hard, too difficult and you may want to simply give up and run away. But where would that get you? And what would that achieve? Nothing but more heartache and more struggles.
I often feel like I'm unable to do this and feel frustrated at myself but in hindsight, isn't the above what life is all about? Yes, I may have an eating disorder which means I have to work doubly hard most days to look after myself but the main thing is I'm doing it right?
We all have 'bad days' and we all face challenges on a day to day basis but we all have the power within ourselves to overcome them.
So long as you have support around you, love in your heart (and life) faith in yourself and others, I believe anything is possible.
Including full recovery from an eating disorder.
No matter how long it takes, I will get there. As will you. You may not always get it right but so long as you keep looking after you and doing the next right thing too, you'll get there.
~
And now, the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. I feel calm, peaceful and once again optimistic.
Today is going to be a good day.
Why?
Because I have the power to make it one.
With Much Love, Smiles & support,
Hanna xx
*I wanted to include this photo this week. Nanna would not be impressed as she hates herself in photos! But I love this one and I wanted to share it with you :o)*
Today's guest post is brought to you by the letter "A" - Arielle Lee Bair of Actively Arielle and of the Freedom Fighters - she's Wednesday which makes her extra cool as that's the date I am over here ;)
Hope, Truth, and Possibility ~ Arielle Lee Bair
When it comes to eating disorder recovery, there are many different kinds of people. There are those who believe in full recovery, those who believe in full recovery – but not for themselves, and those who do not believe in it at all. I think full recovery is possible for everyone. Will it happen for everyone? No. But is it possible? Yes.
There are a lot of factors that influence a person’s ability to recover, but real recovery from an eating disorder happens, and it happens every day. It’s not a matter of beating the odds, but of beating the eating disorder.
When influential folks say that full recovery from an eating disorder is unlikely, I get angry. When they imply that full recovery will happen to one in a million (or some equally incomprehensible number), I get upset. When they focus on all the people who have NOT recovered instead of those who have, I get emotional.
It’s difficult to promote recovery to those struggling with eating disorders when they are constantly being told that the odds are against them. Why bother trying at all? If you are already deemed to be (and doomed to be) a statistic from the start, what’s the point in paying money for treatment/care/counseling or getting support from friends/family/services? Isn’t it all a waste?
The short answer is: NO. Not only is recovery completely possible, it’s also worth every effort. Whether you’re involved with a whole treatment team, simply seeing one therapist, using an alternative support system, or going it alone – recovery is possible, real, and wonderful.
I know this, because I’m a recovered individual myself. It wasn’t always an easy path. I worked hard, used support, created support I didn’t already have, and kept climbing.
Today, I’m happy and healthy in body and mind. I live my every day, a woman who is transformed from the girl she used to be. I think things start to disappear one by one as we recover. I think the more obvious pieces go first. We get to a healthy weight (whatever that is for us and our respective disorders). We let go of behaviors. We stop berating ourselves. We stop looking for perfection. We stop seeing perfection where it doesn't exist. We let go of pain. We let go of the past. We slowly let go of the thoughts, a day at a time, until we realize one day (like I did) that they're not there. They don't accompany me. They don't hide out in my mind waiting to come out if the opportunity presents itself. Call me “fat,” call me “ugly,” call me “stupid,” tell me I "shouldn't be eating all the food" that's on my plate... and I'll still be serene and confident in myself, in my recovery, in my body and my way of life. The change has taken place. I'm okay now. It's a beautiful reality.
I can't promise you that during some terrible, sad, or scary time in my life I won’t for a split second remember how I used to cope. But I can promise you this: I'm done with my eating disorder and I'm done with the thoughts, and if one ever does re-appear in my head, it'll be gone and I'll be on my feet no matter what life throws at me, because I've found the secret. I've learned to stand.
How do I know I’m recovered?
- Because my life doesn't revolve around food, exercise, feelings of hunger, my own image in the mirror, the way my clothes fit, what people say to me regarding appearance or success/failure.
-Because I actually have a life.
-Because when I wake up in the morning I am content, not filled with despair.
-Because I don't have to work at it. It is now natural.
-Because I can help others without being triggered by them.
-Because I live by what I’m writing here.
-Because I like my body.
-Because I even, most of the time, LOVE my body.
-Because I am at peace with issues of my adolescence.
-Because I can eat without over-thinking.
-Because I don't binge or purge or starve myself.
-Because I don't even WANT to binge, purge, or starve myself.
-Because I don't care what the number on a scale says and it used to incredibly define me.
-Because I am a healthy weight.
-Because I appreciate myself instead of hate myself.
-Because I feel free.
I am here in the moment and not afraid to eat, look, live, love. And you can do it too.
The length of time isn't what's important. It can take 3 years or 30 years. The goal is to get to the point where you can say, “I'm free” and mean it. Don't give yourself a deadline. Don't beat yourself up for slip-ups. Just. keep. trying.
Understand my main point: being "recovered" isn't about always being happy 100% of the time—it's about knowing what to do when you're not.
Today, I help others with their eating disorder recovery as an ANAD (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) Support Group Leader, an ANAD Resource Person, and a well-followed recovery blogger and YouTuber.
No matter how many cons there are to your dilemma, one big pro outweighs them all: you getting better, you feeling better, you learning to live life again.
Put more faith in yourself than in your eating disorder. Don’t underestimate your power to move forward and stay there. It all starts with you.
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EDITOR's note by Kat - I just want to thank Arielle for sharing this, I think it's particularly important after that recently published NY Times article (more about that here) as it shows that full recovery CAN happen - Stories of hope are SO important. If you have one you'd like to share, let me know by emailing me, I'll gladly post them as I receive them on either Thursday (until Ashley comes back) or Saturday
Also to announce the giveaway winner as promised -- HollyT won - just email me (you can use the above link) with your address so I can tell the seller what address to ship to =)
