Wednesday, June 1, 2011

the process of becoming whole

 (photo credit: me circa 2008 --- wow...)

as I've mentioned before I recently came back from a three day trip to Chicago.  Before I left I was losing weight - enough to get me out of what I truly believe IS my set point range (which is oddly enough right in the middle of what's considered a healthy BMI range for my height --- so I was still within what's perceived as healthy by physicians - I still say take BMI with a grain of salt though hence my mention of set point first) - then I went to Chicago got back on track and came home only to find myself having issues with the thing that I often do... The ability to be here now - thus causing me some problems these past few days.

What was it that Chicago did  to me?

What was it that it allowed me to feel?

I felt whole. I talked with people about life, about the store Anthropologie (holla Kristine from strangeBird), about college to the guy that flirted with me at Starbucks, to proving I can get along on my own by hailing a taxi/running the streets in the morning hours, to proving that friends can be great assets to have along (especially on public transit trains after good pizza -- without purging -- and cosmopolitans), that I could be with myself and be okay with that. That I could be connected with myself while running instead of disconnecting and dissociating. All of these things helped form a WHOLE person, rather than a person whose mind is focused on one or two things only.
We oftentimes think to ourselves that we want to be happy. I don't think that's what I want though... I think I want to retain that sensation I felt in Chicago - that sensation I think contributed to the contentment and then happiness that I felt there. The two concepts (happiness and wholeness) I believe are two completely different ideas.

I think feeling whole is what recovery looks like. Being thankful for those things about yourself that you do have that do allow you to do amazing things, or simple things. Being whole enough to focus on all aspects of your life (including emotions) rather than trying to color them in with black and pretending they don't exist. Being whole felt really good in Chicago. I think I want to do more than just visit that feeling.

I'm not going to say I know how to get there as I don't... I got there in Chicago via a road uncertain to me.... and lost that path upon my return home. I think having the ability to nourish your whole self (and by nature of that staying mindful) is paramount to getting there though.

What do you think is part of feeling whole? Have you ever felt whole before? Am I completely off base?

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