I was going to ask someone to fill in for me this week.
The reasons being is I’m struggling quite a bit right now in my recovery and was feeling as though it ‘wasn’t right’ for me to post here when I’m in such a difficult place. I felt as though I had nothing to offer.
A feeling of “Who am I to speak?”
But then, after giving it a lot of thought, I realised this was irrational and silly. Just because things are not great doesn’t mean I don’t have things to say, insights to share or reasons to hide. I am after all human and I am unwell. Some days will be better than others. Some will be amazing and some will be awful.
But isn’t that so even for the healthiest of people?
Would I advice someone else not to post? Of course not! So long as they were capable and happy to do so.
And isn’t the most important thing that I am continually working towards my recovery? Even as formidable and wearisome as this feels at times.
I asked my Mum what she thought and she said to me “Hanna, why don’t you just be honest” and I thought, “Of Course!” Isn’t that what I’m all about? Isn’t it my eating disorder that wants me to hide, that acts as though there is something to feel ashamed about? I am who I am and I am proud of myself.
I also do not like to let others down and although my fellow bloggers would understand about today and it would not have been a problem to find cover, I would have felt that I was in some way letting myself down.
But only because I love posting here each week, I enjoy reaching out and look forward to sharing. It not only helps me but I have found that my posts have also in some ways helped others.
If just one person takes just a little something away then I am happy.
So, in keeping this short and sweet I guess the point I wanted to make today is that it’s okay to not be okay. There is no such thing as perfect and when life is not going as well as you want, that’s okay too. Life will get better.
If you stumble in your recovery, it’s okay to admit you need more support and ask for help. Then you can dust yourself off, hold your head high and carry on…. I myself have realised I need more support than I have been getting and this is okay too. I am not super woman (although I wouldn’t mind being :o)
So yes, I am struggling but I am fighting and I will never give up.
And there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
We are all human and we are all strong. Be proud of who you are.
With Much Love, Smiles & Support