deserving of care.

 (Emma... hopefully to become my new doggie! Someone to cuddle and care about)

Every year on August 7th, I remind my father to call his sister (my Aunt Kim) on her birthday. I've done this since I was in the 10th or 11th grade in high school... including the year I was in basic training during her birthday. Why? Because I know my dad dearly loves his sister and that that phone call means a lot to her. It shows her that he cares.

I never  tell my aunt that I do this. I don't want to ruin the magic of my father seemingly remembering her birthday each year. I know how special that is as my father sometimes doesn't even call me on my own birthday. I do this because I also care. I want her to have that gift from her brother each year. I know what it feels like (even as recent as my past birthday) to not receive that phone call.

That feeling that my father cares  is one I never want my aunt not to have on her birthday.

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I care about people. I oftentimes deeply care about people (dear, dear Dani comes to mind as does my Great Aunt Joan - both make me smile just thinking about them)... and I also talk about how everyone deserves love and care on here a lot. But at the same time I fight this internal battle with myself, near daily, about that same topic with regards to myself. I hate that I do this... but I do.

While I did not have the worst childhood in the world by any stretch, I did have one that left me ingrained with the notion that I was unworthy. Of love and of care. I truly believe it was a belief that helped me through my childhood (or rather adolescence)..

That belief was a coping mechanism of sorts and it's one that's hard to get rid of.

I brought up that past Laura session in short a couple of times now... and I keep going back to that session, not because I'm angry, but because I'm analyzing what exactly happened (as is my nature). I think something was tested during that hour. Laura said to me that she wanted what was in my car(I had something rather destructive in my passenger seat), because she cared.

The more I think about it, and as someone pointed out to me, I wonder if that's part of the reason for wanting to withdraw.

I've done this before... when something similar happened. Or I felt I was getting "too close" to her by telling her things that I don't speak about to anyone... one of the reasons I think moving will help - some physical distance to counteract things a bit.. not because I truly mind seeing her (except maybe when I'm out running as I occasionally run in merely a sports bra and shorts)

So I'm wondering if it was more than my belief that how she went about something was questionable... but more about the fact that she said that she cared.

That scares me. That scares me to the core. It makes me think about other relationships in my life... and when something incredibly questionable happened recently involving a certain grade of mine (and issues probably largely related to someone caring) it made me feel incredibly overwhelmed. So much that while I was supposed to move this past weekend, I neglected to even pack a single box. I sorted through things to pack. but didn't buy boxes. Didn't do anything of the sort. I also wound up not getting that Westie dog (despite my application being approved and a pickup scheduled... as someone else's needs were clearly greater than mine)

This overwhelming at the possibility that multiple people care about me says that there's some things I need to work on. It also says that while you may understand something (such as the fact that everyone is inherently deserving of love and care from birth) it doesn't mean that you are always readily able to apply it to yourself. Some things you cannot reason, you just have to feel. I think I'll get there though. I think we can all get there.