Over it?

I’m...over my eating disorder? I’d love to be. I would love to be able to say those words with confidence, with a loud voice. As for right now, it’s a whisper, and more of a wish than anything. I do dream of being free from my eating disordered thoughts and compulsions. Truly free. There are even days I think it can happen. But that is scary to say (think?). Which makes me think I’ve still got a long ways to go.

I would love to walk into a grocery store without worrying about who will see me buying food, or what food to buy, what I like, which food has fewer calories than its neighbour, which might fill me up for longer, etc. Hell, I would love to think about walking into a grocery store without those anxieties. And I would love to not think bathing suits are the devil’s work. Or to be able to walk past a diet pill isle of a drugstore without a second thought. Yes, there are many things that would change if I were over my eating disorder. And most of them, I welcome.

But what about the ones that I “need”? I love (hate) the fact that I have my eating disorder, sometimes. It’s good knowing that I have it tucked into my back pocket, knowing that it will keep me safe. Or keep my company. Or do anything else that I need. And yes, I know that it doesn’t actually do those things. It can’t. It often does the opposite. But it has woven itself into my life such that it still fools me every now and then. Those times just happen to by my times of greatest need.

The eating disorder has been so tightly woven into my self, into my very DNA, in fact. It seems inextricably entwined into the very bits that are me, I have forgotten what is me and what is the disorder. I do not know where I end and the disorder begins. And any attack on it feels like an attack on myself. How did I let this happen? I may have given up answering that question. At least for now. How do I get out of it? That is the question which I am presently interested in.

I have consulted many on it, professionals and others. I have spent a great many hours thinking about it. And spent a great deal of time in “self care” activities, hoping the answer will come to me. So far, all that I have come up with is that by living my life, I am ever so slowly inching my way towards being over my eating disorder. I can’t promise that that is a true answer, that when it happens (and today is a day I believe it will) this is how I will feel. But I do know that this is what I currently believe to be the most true answer to what I am seeking.

One day, I will be able to say, with confidence, that I am over my eating disorder.

..............

It has occurred to me that I have been regularly posting here for a few weeks, but have yet to introduce myself. Why I find it easier to reveal myself to (some) complete strangers than people I actually know...well, that’s the topic of a future post, perhaps. But here goes. I’m 25, an age that I truthfully never thought I would reach. I graduated with my B. Sc. in psychology a year ago, minors in biological sciences and chemistry. Contemplated a double major in biochemistry. I really have very little faith for my major, I find it ridiculously easy, almost mundane. Yet I chose to do my honours thesis on social psychology, more specifically, on the impact of a more positive self esteem on body image and disordered eating in grade 4 students. Actually, that project was the reason I chose to stay at home to finish my degree instead of leaving moving to a bigger school for the biochem part.

That leads to where I live. I live in a city of just under 100 000 in Alberta, Canada. Smack in the middle of oil country, aka hickville. But I love it. Yes, I will complain about the weather (a lot). I mean, it gets really effin cold here in January. But I love my country, my province, my city. My entire immediate family lives within a 5 min drive from me, and much of my extended family lives within 2 hours. I really like that. I’m the oldest of 5 kids, the aunt to 4 and have 16 cousins, so that’s saying something.

I have chosen not to continue on with my education. Partly because I would have to leave the city, partly because I have a major I do not respect, but mostly because I have chosen to work in the family business. My dad is a second generation owner of a small jewellery store, I started working there when I was 12 and am now manager. And boy do I use my psych degree at work. I love the fact that I get to be a part of some of the happiest moments of people’s lives. I LOVE finding or designing the PERFECT engagement ring for someone. Anniversaries and new babies are pretty special, too.

I’m a fiscal and social conservative, and have been raised in a small, private Christian school. Becoming an adult has made me realise just how important my faith is to me, and how it now helps me make life decisions. But I don’t always talk about my faith. So it might not come up very often, though I welcome discussion about it.

Sorry for the overload of information. I’m finding myself in a point of my life where I am actually starting to get a little, tiny bit proud of what I can accomplish.