Needless to say my commitments have been awful the past month, I'm incredibly sorry that I haven't posted on Mondays for the past few weeks. I guess recovery wise, life wise, things have been pretty difficult. I come bearing good news, though, things are looking up, i'm feeling rather positive this evening! Anyway, i'd like to share one of my recent journal entries, I feel it was a really positive step forward :)
My life is worth saving.
My life is worth living.
My life is worth honesty.
My life is worth loving.
My life is worth enduring, enjoying and fulfilling.
My life is worth... saving, because why the hell wouldn't it be? I've made more mistakes than i'd like to have in my life, my whole life of 20 years. I've got 20 years ahead of me, then another 20, then maybe if i'm awesome.. another 20. In my life I want to meet a guy, a lovely guy, we'll have our ups and downs but at the end of the day he will be my guy and i'll love him. One day we'll move in together, it'll be bumpy but we'll be together. After that, one night, we'll concieve. I'll take that test, get the plus sign and tell him over dinner. He'll drop his fork in shock, i'm sure, good shock though. He'll come to the scans, he'll hold my hand and we'll find out we're having a girl. Emily, she will be, Emily. We'll raise her in a cottage with white picket fences and an archway laced with roses. We'll have a dog, scottie dog named Baxter.. with a little collar. The rain will fall and the sun will shine, we'll grow old together, we'll be that couple.. the little old pair who walk into town holding hands and complaining about the weather. Also.. about the youth of today. My wedding will be a church wedding, i'll wear a beautiful white dress, have my hair curled vintage style and everyone will admire me for a day. I'll enjoy cake and champagne and dance with my new husband, it will be perfect.
So that is the life I will lead on one condition; giving up my eating disorder. If I continue, i'll lose more weight. If I carry on losing, My stomach will shrink smaller, making it more difficult to digest food, my hair will continue falling out, my teeth will decay until they crumble, the fine hair on my face will continue to grow all peachy fuzzy, i'll become weaker and walking into town will become far more difficult than it is right now. I will find it even harder to get out of the shower in the mornings, my concentration will deteriorate further and my speech will slur more. Oh.. and I can forget ever concieving. The longer my periods are inactive, the less chance I have of ever seeing Emily. Does it sound like i'm over reacting? I have been compared several times to someone with a bmi of 13, due to the significant weight loss over the short period of time. Things may have picked up now, physically, some days. My concentration is a bit better, my speech isn't always as slurred. However.. my chest still hurts and the chills can still become unbearable.
Who said Anorexia was glamourous? I'd like that person to read that and think again before restricting. I wish I knew this before I started, a year a go. This has been going on for over a year. Am I willing to waste another year doing this? No. Do I want to see my family suffer for another year? No. Can I continue living like this? Can you continue living like this? We all think it won't catch up, aslong as we feel fine at the time.. we'll be fine, we're superhuman, we just want to be thin, right? Oh my love.. you are so wrong. It will catch up, it always does. I can't change the past, I can dwell on it but that would be pointless. So instead I can accept responsibility for the mistakes that I have made. I can accept responsibility for the past year, I can own up to what I have done and move forward. I can't change the past, but the future is mine. I can decide how much longer i'm willing to put this pressure on my body and soul. The only person who can begin recovery is myself, unless I'm willing to do this for me and embrace the idea of recovery then it just isn't going to happen. So.. i'm doing this for me because I want a life. I deserve to live. So do you.