I had a blog post in mind for this week. I'd planned what I wanted to talk about, I even started writing it a good few days ago.
And then yesterday happened. I had a pretty bad day. My mind was all over the place, I was feeling very low and finding it really hard to keep focused.
To stay in the present.
I found it very difficult to keep doing what I know I needed to do, everything seeming a struggle. But I did, even though my eating disorder was screaming at me all day. I even challenged myself and stepped outside of my comfort zone a few times.
I went up to see my Nanna early afternoon and she was very depressed. She was still in bed, it was 13:30. I spent an hour with her, sat on her bed holding her hand and telling her how much I love her and how much of an inspiration she is to me. I hate seeing her like that. I do worry about her, as she does me.
But that also gave me even more reasons to keep doing the right thing. As exhausting as it is at times.
Come the afternoon, after meeting my Mum in the park and enjoying a yummy ice-cream in the glorious sunshine, I was feeling a lot better. I got back to the house and started to prepare dinner. And then, Bam! Again my eating disorder stepped right in.
I suddenly couldn't decide what I wanted for dinner and started to become very overwhelmed. But, after much pacing of the kitchen (My dog Inca was not impressed) and battling with my inner voice I went with what I'd originally planned.
And it was pretty tasty too.
My plan was to finish writing my post afterwards whilst relaxing. But relaxing wasn't easy and my mind was still wondering. Plus loneliness had kicked in by that point and after staring at the screen and messing abound on the internet until 12:30am I went to bed, hoping the morning would be better.
But it wasn't. It took me an hour to decide what to have for breakfast. I often decide the night before to make it easier but I wanted to see if I could just
'go with it'.
Obviously not wise at this stage of my recovery.
But, I eventually chose and ate it even though it wasn't that enjoyable.
And now, here I sit writing this and probably going on a little too much but all this actually brings me to the point I was going to talk about anyway (we always get there in the end:0)
And that was about learning to look after yourself again and always doing the next right thing.
And doing it continuously.
Recovery is a learning process. Each day you are faced with new challenges, new obstacles, new fears. At times it may seem too hard, too difficult and you may want to simply give up and run away. But where would that get you? And what would that achieve? Nothing but more heartache and more struggles.
I often feel like I'm unable to do this and feel frustrated at myself but in hindsight, isn't the above what life is all about? Yes, I may have an eating disorder which means I have to work doubly hard most days to look after myself but the main thing is I'm doing it right?
We all have 'bad days' and we all face challenges on a day to day basis but we all have the power within ourselves to overcome them.
So long as you have support around you, love in your heart (and life) faith in yourself and others, I believe anything is possible.
Including full recovery from an eating disorder.
No matter how long it takes, I will get there. As will you. You may not always get it right but so long as you keep looking after you and doing the next right thing too, you'll get there.
And now, the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. I feel calm, peaceful and once again optimistic.
Today is going to be a good day.
Because I have the power to make it one.
With Much Love, Smiles & support,
*I wanted to include this photo this week. Nanna would not be impressed as she hates herself in photos! But I love this one and I wanted to share it with you :o)*