Pro-ana

This is a potentially controversial post. I like to try and write about things that bother me… it’s cathartic. I like to think that reading what I write could make somebody feel a little more reassured or a little less lonely. I know it’s not the most inspiring writing style, but I like to think it could potentially help somebody.

Anyway. I’m going to make it clear straight off: I am NOT pro- anorexia. I would never encourage somebody to eat less or lose more. I do not believe this illness is a lifestyle choice or a good thing. I really, really dislike pro-ana websites and blogs. They scare me and I think they’re dangerous places. But…

Pro-ana stands for pro- anorexia. Pro-mia is pro- bulimia, and pro- ED is pro- eating disorder. That’s where the simple part ends. Pro-ana has been defined in so many ways now.

At one end of the scale, there’s the twisted sites out to promote anorexia as a lifestyle choice, and give the disease to unsuspecting children. The other end is the ‘support forums’- places that fully support recovery, but are full of girls and boys who currently feel unable to make that step.

So which one is true?

… I used to visit pro-ana sites. A lot. I’m prepared to bet that quite a few people reading this did too.

Did I encourage people to fast or lose weight? No. Did I believe it was a lifestyle? No. Did I want to entice young children into eating disorders? Of course not!

It took a little while before the reality of what I was doing sank in and the ‘honeymoon period’ ended. I think that’s the same for a lot of people. For a while it was new. I was losing weight, I was feeling rewarded, and it was exciting. Yes, I was able to see people with low BMIs and think ‘they are too thin… I’m scared for them’- but I never thought to apply that to myself.

But of course, that changed… it had to. It always does. It stopped being fun. I wasn’t ‘choosing’ not to eat anymore- it physically was not an option. And that was when I turned to those sites the most. I wanted somebody who understood what I was going through, who could appreciate the shitty crappy disordered thoughts. I wasn’t ‘ready’ to recover. I didn’t feel I could. I just wanted to speak to somebody who ‘got’ it, and those sites offered me that chance.

Now I’m a bit wiser, I know there are hundreds of places where you can get that support… thousands, in fact. Helplines, recovery based websites, friends, family. But I didn’t know that then. I clung to pro-ana because that was all I knew.

I’m not denying that there are places that will offer the kind of thing the newspapers like to report about. But I am saying that not everybody is like that. Not every single person who has ever used a pro ana site is out to tell your kids they’re fat. I’d take a risk and say that the majority are not.

Are the sites themselves bad? I believe they’re very, very dangerous. If they were made illegal or all shut down, I would be happy. So yes, I think the sites are ‘bad’. But this is not about the concept of pro-anorexia or the sites that carry variations of its message. This is not even about the people who run them. This is about the people who use them.

I think that most of the people are just plain sad. They’re hurting. Eating disorders hurt. Saying somebody is evil for using pro-ana is telling them they are evil for suffering. It’s lonely, it’s crap, it’s sad. Most of us have been there. That’s why I clung to those sites for so long… to try and make it hurt even a little bit less.

I am NOT saying ‘go on a pro-ED forum if you have an eating problem’. Absolutely not. I wouldn’t advise those sites to anybody. I would encourage anybody who is on them to leave them and seek alternative- and to be blunt, better- means of support. There is only so much help you can receive when surrounded by triggers with every click. The bad definitely outweighs the good.

I think what I’m trying to get across is that it upsets me when people label ‘pro anorexics’ as vile, disgusting trash. I wish they didn’t just take what they read in the newspapers and magazines for granted. Calling somebody who already hates themselves a bad person is going to help how, exactly?

And if you ever associated yourself with that 'pro ana' label- I don't want you to feel bad for that. I don't think you need to feel ashamed of that. I definitely believe you need to keep strong and stay away from those dark corners of the internet- but I don't believe that you are not a bad person for having used them. I genuinely don't.

Hate pro-anorexia all you want. Hate anorexia all you want- I certainly do. But don’t hate the people who just clung to it because it was all they knew they had.

What do you think? Did you ever go on pro-ana sites? If you did- how do you feel, looking back on it now?

Endless love,

Jess xx

PS: if you're currently stuck on pro-ana, google 'recovery forums'. There are lots with varying degrees of 'strictness'. There are helplines and anonymous chat forums that can be useful too. Speaking to a friend or family member can be hard but helpful. If you're of school age, there might be a counselling department you could contact for confidential help. Pro-ana isn't something that makes you a bad person- but it's something that is ultimately only damaging you further.

Anger, Pain, Passion....

And extremely mixed up dreams….

Oh the joy of feelings and emotions!! And boy, I am feeling a lot right now! 

Some very positive; Passion, excitement, happiness and some not so; Anger, sadness and pain.

But you know what? I’m feeling! And that in itself feels great!

You see for so long I was numb and cold. I couldn’t feel anything except the hunger in my stomach and the bitterness in my throat.

At times I wanted to but it all just felt like too much. It was as though I couldn’t handle what us as human beings go through so instead would turn to my eating disorder as a way of escape.

But as I’m coming more into life, and into my body, I’m finally starting to ‘thaw out’ and open the floodgates to emotions locked away for far too long.

The anger I feel is very much directed at my eating disorder.

The sadness I feel is over time, love and life lost 

and the pain from suddenly being so aware of all this.

But at last, the anger is toward my eating disorder and not myself or those I love. 

Yes I’ve lost a lot of time through being ill but I still have so much time ahead of me. 

Love may have been lost too but I’m opening myself up to so much more now.

 Starting with love for myself. 

And yes, it’s painful to become aware of all this but it’s a drive to keep going too... 

There is no way around, only through.

I’ve also been having some extremely mixed up dreams, full of the past, present and future. They have been very vivid and incredibly strong. But I’m actually happy to be dreaming again! My nights have been void of dreams for so long and if there have been any, they would normally be food/anxiety related. 

These ones are bold and beautiful!

~

When you are open, so is life and all its opportunities.

Feel all you need to feel. 

Allow yourself to experience all that comes with recovery, with coming back 

to life!

With much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

Learning to Fly.

I learned how to fly.


I’m still not sure how I ended up in this situation, but at the end of last summer I found myself signed up for trapeze lessons at The Cincinnati Circus Company. Not too odd you say? I beg to differ.


While I don’t have a fear of heights I have an incredibly strong and irrational fear of ladders and anything involving getting from point A to B As I child I never made it up to the ropes courses or flew down a zip line. Even the idea of such an outing would make me worry incessantly and stay home from school or camp.

Nevertheless I have challenged this fear many times as an adult and been able to do things like climb up Half Dome at Yosemite or scale rock climbing walls. These somehow were lesser evils than ladders!

I knew all week that I was going to be making this outing to trapeze school, yet it wasn’t until I saw a ladder lying in the middle of this highway on Saturday, after it had fallen off a truck that I realized I wasn’t going to magically appear at the trapeze platform. There was going to be a ladder involved.

The whole way down to Cincinnati I felt the fear brewing in me. I was secretly hoping for an out. I didn’t want to face the evil metal rungs! We arrived a half-hour early to the rig. That was just enough time for me to stare at the ladder, two stories high and shaky and thin as can be. This was a disaster!

After hooking up our safety belts and a quick flying lesson we were ready to start our ascent to the platform. I was the fourth in our group to go. Kicking off my shoes I started upward. Sweat was pouring down my back, my arms and legs were wobbling. I couldn’t think of anything except reaching for the next rung and moving upwards. Short of falling, down wasn’t an option. I don’t know how long it took, but soon enough I was at the platform. The staff changed around my lines and it was time.


Ready….Hup (the signal to go)!

I jumped.

It was exhilarating, terrifying, surreal, and thrilling all at once. Alive. Nothing existed for those moments besides me and the air. Freedom. Beauty. Life.


This freedom and high is so foreign to the monotony and safety of everyday life. Time is spent looking to the past or to the future. Even the times when we think we are present we can often be found multitasking, either physically or mentally. Flying stops this. There is no opportunity to act in any capacity but in the now. There is a forced return to our instinct and our natural state of being free from that which keeps us tied to the ground.

Flying on a trapeze is an instantaneous explosion of this feeling of all encompassing joy, however similar highs can be found through yoga. It takes much longer and lots of practice, but at times I find myself in this same mindset. Nothing exists besides my breath and my body as I move through the postures. I become one and if I’m lucky this practice can last beyond the mat. Finding this experience can take time and patience, sometimes this patience can be as difficult as facing our fears, such as I did in climbing the ladder.

Life can be lived, day in and day out. The same routines, the same patterns. One can get by this way, however it is truly only getting by. Live your live. Step outside of your comfort zone. Take a risk.

“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

-Elif Shafek

Deserving

I’ve heard a lot of talking recently about deserving. That’s not from just one person- it’s been a mix of things posted on forums and things I’ve heard in real life.

Dictionary.com defines ‘to deserve’ as

1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward,assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation.

So essentially, to have done something that means what is occurring is right, appropriate, just.

I think with eating disorders, that sense of deservingness (apparently a word) gets a bit screwed up along the line. Personally, I like to put this down to two main reasons- obviously there are many more, but here are two ones I believe play a big role:

1) Low self-esteem. If you believe you’re worthless, awful or a bad person, it’s easy to convince yourself that you deserve bad things and don’t deserve the good ones.

2) Bringing worth into matters where it shouldn’t matter. The main example here is believing that food or happiness is something that a person deserves- or does not.

I often hear phrases banded around- ‘I deserve to be miserable’, ‘I don’t deserve to eat’, ‘I deserve to suffer because of my eating disorder’. To take it back to the definition:

‘… because of actions, qualities, or situation.’

Let’s use the ‘I deserve misery’ thing. Really? Why? What horrible, horrific action is it you did that made you so vile, so evil that you deserved to be unhappy forever? I’ve told myself I deserve to be unhappy because I’m attention seeking at times.

… that’s hardly stamping on a puppy.

What’s your reasoning for why you deserve bad things? Trying to be as unbiased as possible, ask yourself ‘just what is it I’ve done that’s so bad that it makes me deserve pain or sadness?’

(For the record, I don’t think there’s anything a person can do to make them deserve either.)

You might be sighing. Going ‘oh, come on. I know I didn’t kill anyone. Maybe I don’t deserve awful things- but I just don’t really deserve good things.’

That’s point two. So let’s roll with the idea that you don’t deserve food. If we assume that’s true: why don’t you?

How exactly does a person lose their right to that? What action is it that crosses the moral event horizon to the point where you are not allowed to put food you enjoy into your mouth on a regular basis?

There are some basic things- food, water, air- that are required for life. They’re the essentials. Food is more than just fuel; of course it is. It can bring comfort or bonding or a little piece of happiness. But at the absolute baseline, it is really fuel. So how the hell can we not deserve the thing our bodies require to run on? Food is not a privilege or an accessory. It’s an essential. Not feeding your body because you ‘don’t deserve it’ is like not filling up your car because it ‘doesn’t deserve’ petrol. You can’t expect your body or that car to work if you aren’t giving them a basic requirement.

And then there’s the idea that you deserve to be in pain or suffer because you have an eating disorder. It was you who chose to restrict or binge or purge, so you chose the consequences. It’s fitting, right? The punishment matches the ‘crime’.

Except that I call bullshit on that one too. These are effects of diseases. Not petty little choices made because we got bored or wanted to fuck around with people- an eating disorder is a disease. It isn’t undefeatable or too much for you to change- not by a long shot- but it’s not your fault.

And if it wasn’t your fault, how can you deserve the punishment?

Sorry for a rambly and potentially very unhelpful post. All the same, I’d love to hear any comments- do you often fall into the ‘I don’t deserve X’ traps? Do you believe that a person can not deserve food? Or is it all just yet another way that our eating disorders try to ruin our sense of self-worth?

Love,

Jess xx

Hang On To Every Reason.....

And Never Let Go…

First and foremost, only you can choose to recover. It doesn’t matter how much others want you to or even beg you to, until you decided to do it for you, it just wont happen.

That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong in having ‘reasons to recover’ other than the obvious ones.

Some day’s I find it really helps to remind myself of these reasons and hang onto them with all my might.

Especially on day’s where I may be struggling somewhat or feeling a little overwhelmed.

Yesterday, for example, seeing my Nanna looking so frail yet still strong and full of love for me gave me the push I needed to eat my afternoon snack.

Later that same day, a simple text from my Mum helped to ease the slight panic I was feeling. It gave me a shove in the right direction (dinner) which in turn gave me the energy I needed to go out singing last night.

When I arrived for my group, there was a ‘Zumba’ class on. It looked like so much fun; exciting and uplifting; the women (and one guy) all looked radiant and full of health.

It reminded me how much I want to not only feel but exude that radiance too. 

All the more reason and motivation to keep pushing forward and getting stronger!

After a fab and invigorating evening of singing, I arrived home quite late. Even though my head was telling me it was far to late to eat a snack, I knew better.

I sat there with it, writing this piece in fact.

After finishing, I realised I was still hungry but was going to go to bed. Then I stopped. How could I possibly write a piece on reasons to recover when I am about to go to bed hungry?

 I am so glad I caught myself.

So you, where my reasons right then J

Whatever your reasons, whomever inspires you or those things that motivate you, Hang on to them and never let go.

And remember- you are doing this for you but the little things all count too.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx