I said that I’d take up the Thursday slot. I wrote that start post and got really excited for my regular slot.
It’s been two and a half weeks since I last posted for the same reason that I created a website, bought a domain name, bought advertising, got 80 members then stopped posting. For the reason I tell people I have to go to the other end of the campus to them when I really don’t, for the reason I feel paralysed when I’m asked to phone somebody.
But I don’t know that reason.
I don’t. It’s an ingrained part of me now- some kind of persistence on letting people down. It’s a mix of desperately wanting to meet people, to post regularly, to be something- and that awful, all-consuming fear. Fear that I’m not good enough. Fear that I’m not doing well enough, or that they don’t actually like me, or that I’ll say the wrong thing. I have a fear of typing the URL of this blog or my own website into my browser and it can take me weeks to open my emails.
Is it an eating disordered thing? I’d be lying if I said I knew. It’s a strange kind of habit and one that paints me in an appalling light. I’ll put it off until tomorrow, then the next day, and then two weeks have passed and it’s easier to just not do it. Pretend I never got the message or that I’ve been really busy lately.
I wonder if it IS an eating disorder thing- flipping out when faced with responsibility or communicating with people. It is so much easier for a person to remain eating disordered when alone. Restricting, binge eating, fasting, purging, chewing and spitting… they’re not exactly group activities and they don’t make you the life of the party. It’s much easier for me to sit in the corner working out calories than it is to go up and say ‘hi, I’m Jess, how’re you?’
Maybe we need to break out of that. Recovery isn’t just about increasing your intake- it’s about increasing your activities, your life. Going outside and talking to people is terrifying, but necessary. I’m making friends at college- and although it’s taken a little while, every day I see them I feel a little more comfortable. I can stay with them for all of lunchtime now, rather than having to leave for the library halfway through because I feel like if I stay any longer, it’ll get awkward and they’ll start to hate me for being so boring, or strange, or something else. And that makes me happier. When your lives fill with people and conversations rather than push ups and calories, it’s just plain better.
I’m aware that this post is rambly and strange, and I apologise for that. But I also apologise for my previous two posts which were, er… well, less rambly! And a little bit more invisible/empty.
So some final thoughts, I guess: do you find yourself ignoring or shutting out others from a fear of not being good enough? Do you think that, for you, it’s eating disorder based?
PS- I will be back to posting on a Thursday now. Hopefully.