I had a bad weekend; partly due to circumstance and partly my own doing. Regardless of the cause, though, I found myself in a self-destructive mood.
At first, I was disappointed with myself. I have been making so much progress the past few months, starting to trust myself a little bit and keeping the eating disorder at arm’s length. So how is that I let myself undue all of that in a short time?
I thought back to what I have been learning about myself, right as the self hatred was taking hold. And I took a chance and reached out to Kat, someone I care a great deal about and deeply respect. I asked her why I felt compelled to leave my body, as in some way dissociate from it. Her answer has had a profound effect on weekend.
Kat suggested I stop thinking of my body and my self as separate. She didn’t introduce a novel concept to me, but rather told it to me at the time I needed to hear it most, from a source that I trust. I left that conversation questioning if my eating disorder is in fact intertwined with my DNA, or if I am just choosing to believe that. You see, I have always believed that my self was just being tied down by my body, that I could achieve so much more if I weren’t burdened by the physicality of existing. I know this doesn’t make any sense, but in my mind it was the perfect explanation.
I am now sitting with the uncomfortable feeling of knowing I may not have been right all along, that I AM my body and it is me. This is an overwhelming sentiment, one that I’m not sitting well with. But I am trusting that Kat may have put me on to something important.
This week, I learned a lot of things. The most important of which is that it’s okay to trust someone.