Accountability

Accountability. A big, intimidating word. It's a word that has been stuck in my head lately, like a stubborn stain that I can't get out. You see, one thing I've become more and more aware of as my recovery has progressed is that there is no one who can do this except me. And there's where the accountability comes in to play. Because I'm not so good at keeping myself on track, but when someone else is paying attention, it's another story.

This word was brought to my attention again several times over the past week. My dietitian asked me why I still drive 4 hours round trip to see her every two weeks, and the only thing I could think of was that she was holding me accountable for my own recovery and weight restoration. But....that makes me feel weak. It shouldn't, I know, but needing to be held accountable to keep my health makes me feel foolish, immature and, well, fragile.

Then Kat exposed me to her version of accountability on Saturday evening, and I've been thinking about it since. It seemed like such a novel concept to me at first, but when I see my friends experiencing it too....well, it makes me think.

I think this word falls into the broad category of "feeling" and "recovery" words that I don't talk about, and that's why I thought it was so novel. But Kat opening up to me in her vulnerable moment has made me see that it's not a bad thing, that it works to help me form the best possible defence against my eating disorder.

So, you see, accountability is good for me.