It was recently pointed out to me that I have trouble sitting still. My employees pointed out that I arrive at work at 8 am, and don’t stop moving until at least 6 pm, which got me thinking about all the things I do outside of work, and I realised that there is very little time in a week where I am still. This wouldn’t be a huge problem, except that I am currently attempting weight restoration while avoiding re entering treatment, and constant motion makes it just that much more difficult.
Beyond simple weight restoration, I thought about how this motion impacts other parts of my life. I realised that I use my motion as a definite means of distraction. Just like my eating disorder is a nice tidy excuse to avoid my lacking self worth, my need to be constantly busy helps me avoid the plague of worries that my emotional self faces.
So now I’ve realised this isn’t healthy, at least not for me, that I need to strike a balance (there’s that word again) between being active and busy, and the time I need to myself and to sit. And I asked myself, how do I achieve this? Naturally, I’ve flown myself into the first thing I could think of. A nice, tidy, introductory yoga class one hour once a week. Even when trying to relax, I picked the shortest option, something that I could easily fit into my schedule without having to take anything else out. This is not the point, no, but I’m hoping that a little bit of the stretching, sitting and breathing will spill out into other parts of my life, and soon I will be able to say no to things, to start telling people I need to take a night off and actually rest. Hopefully this small step will lead to broader, larger ones.