I was challenged, this past week. My dietician/pseudo therapist has been pushing me the past few weeks, and this week she asked me why I keep coming, and what my reasons are for trying for recovery. And I didn’t have an answer for her.
This isn’t the first time I didn’t know why I was trying, but it is the first time I didn’t know why when I had such dreams and broad plans for my life. Because I do. But that’s another story. I started this relationship with pretty specific goals and plans, but when they didn’t materialize quite as I had expected, I seemed to lose sight of what I am trying for and why I want it. This has left me wondering how I let this happen. How can I have such big plans for my future, but not have any idea why I want them, or how I’m going to get there? I do know what I want to achieve with my life, and I know that to do that, I need to permanently be recovered from my eating disorder, a feat which I believe I am on my way towards. But how can I truly recover without knowing why I’m doing it?
So I have been challenged with creating a list of the benefits of the benefits to recovery, along with my personal reasons for beating my eating disorder. Logically, that sounds like a simple task. Really, I know the physical benefits, I know that mentally I am more able to do what I need to when I’m healthy, and I know that it will benefit the people around me. But I can’t seem to translate those reasons into reasons why I want to get well. Yes, I want my health, but it appears that the benefits to having my eating disorder seem to be outweighing those (literally).
So I’m going to stop thinking about it, stop processing it, and just throw some reasons down on paper with the hopes that the brainstorming that ensues will provide a lengthy list.
To start: one day, I want a family.