No, it's not the whole coaching thing (though that does creep me out - something about impeding on her personal time... does not gel well with me), but rather what her suggestion means, or could mean. That I'm failing... at something. What that something is, I'm not certain... but the looming feeling of failing or failure is most definitely present.
But what does that even mean? In this instance I mean? Would I view someone else as a failure in the same position? Just because they had a program suggested to them? That's all it is... a suggestion (albeit one that continues to crop up)
I think sometimes we want so badly to refute our own self imposed label of "failure" that we continue the same behaviors or modes of operation. This is done in an effort to prove that we're not worthy of those (once again self imposed) negative classifications, rather that we just have not succeeded yet. (sounds sort of disordered... eh? or at the very least black/white thinking) What if, however, we're actually not failures either way? For possibly needing a different route (or just benefiting from an alternative) or for having someone suggest it...
What if realizing that there might be viable options better suited out there and considering them (or even deciding to use them) isn't an act of failure, but rather an act of growth? What if a suggestion is just that... a suggestion and doesn't mean anything about YOU as a person, but is just an informed opinion regarding a situation you're currently in?
maybe it's just mindset about the change being asked. maybe these are things that need to be thought about... regardless, they're just some current thoughts of mine. in the words of the lovely missmarymax #reframe
~Kat
P.S. >>>>> On a COMPLETELY unrelated note... it's ridiculously warm out. Make sure you're taking care of yourself and staying hydrated this weekend.
My sister, a chemist, found a way to modify a chocolate chip cookie recipe to enable them to cook safely on the dash of her truck (did you know if your vehicle is a dark color and parked on asphalt in direct sunlight on a day where the temperature is above 90 degrees that the temperature inside your vehicle can be DOUBLE?!?!?) - the cookies won't turn brown as the sugar won't carmelize, but in 3.5 hours you too can have UV cooked cookies... (this is them halfway done) -- apparently they were yummy.
Maybe - just maybe - this is something you would always have benefitted from and Laura suggesting it now is her way of saying, "I trust you to be ready for this." [/reframe]
ReplyDeleteMy vote: just go for it, dammit.
How long have you been listening to your eating disorder tell you that you're a failure if you can't do it alone? Remember, it gets louder as you challenge it.
ReplyDeleteyou are right, this is just another way of doing things, and it is easy to see that from the outside, I see that, and so do others. Of course you aren't a failure! And being able to see that your self as well is a huge tool in recovery. Reading this helped me realize that sometimes, I need to take a step back and see how I would think of myself from the outside perspective :)
ReplyDeleteStay strong, much love!
Scott