I considered defaulting on my post this week. I thought about telling Kat that I just couldn't do it. But I thought about it, and realised that this is my cycle. I will work really hard and do everything all at once, for a little while. Sometimes it can last for a long while. Eventually, though, I stop.
I stop doing EVERYTHING all AT ONCE.
(and I may very well have to say this a few more times before I start to actually accept it)
This is going to be different, I have decided. I'm employing an old tool that I was taught many years ago by a good friend: Fake It Till You Make It. So I'm choosing to tell myself that I am stronger than this, that I can beat the eating disorder this time. That I can force myself to go out, to be productive and to excel at life.
There will be recourse, I'm certain. As loud as I yell at my eating disorder, it will yell right back. I have no reason to think that it won't fight back, as it always has in the past. But I'm determined not to give in this time. At least not without a fight.
I don't know if this will work, I've never tried it before, but today I will fake it long and hard. Today, I am choosing to be stronger than my eating disorder.