still inching forwards

This post has been very difficult for me to begin. I feel that I should have some sort of message to imbibe upon you, and tried valiantly to come up with something that I could hammer together. But it struck me, as I was doing that, that you deserve more than that. That I might even deserve more than that. So I’m going to talk about exactly what I am feeling, or rather, what I am struggling with right now.

I got back from my ridiculously busy Vegas trip in a bit of a........fog. Things should have been great, I had a fun trip and was very much looking forward to getting back to my own bed, and even to tackling the massive amount of work piled on my desk. We had a great flight home, getting home at about 6 pm, as opposed to the usual 3 am, so I figured things would be great and I’d be ready for work the next day.

This may be more than most want to know about me, but I have Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which means I will more often than not experience a major depression from the time I ovulate until my menstruation begins. I’ve gotten used to this, I know to expect it, or at least am consoled when I notice it. To leave out the rest of the details, I was not expecting this stint of depression and it has not-so-subtly thrown me off. This has had a great effect on me, namely, it has made me less productive.

To stave off my depression, I both take anti-depressants and keep myself busy. Problem is, I was on large amounts of narcotics a few weeks ago and quit the anti-depressants. I do this, from time to time, come up with “good” reasons to stop them, only to return within months. So this morning, I started the drugs again.

And I am using every ounce of attentiveness that I have to keep myself busy. It’s not that I don’t have anything to do; that is never the issue. But I can get quite good at shirking my responsibilities for the short term. I can tell people that I need to sleep in, have a head ache, etc or that I need to go to bed as soon as I get home, and get away with it. In fact, people encourage it, tell me that I work hard and deserve some time off. But I know what this is. When I can’t get out of bed in the morning, I know that I am slipping, and would even go as far as to say that I am not well.

This seems to be a recent theme to my posts. I am increasingly aware of when I am starting to sink a little bit, and increasingly think that is the answer to my recovery. I’m glad to see this consistent awareness in myself, because even though I’m having a bad week, I know that I have not stopped inching my way forwards, all because I’m able to see that this is a bad week, and it’s not normal. That being said, I have a lot of work to do to keep myself on track.