When people will read this, it will be father's day... I'm a daddy's girl. There's no question about that. I rarely can bring myself to say anything negative about my father and when I do, I usually follow it up with an emotional meltdown to some degree. Sometimes even thinking ill of my father will turn me to shambles. Whether or not I let people know it tears me up inside is another story.
My father and I held a lot of secrets. Secrets that bonded us together... that cause me to maintain my allegiance (at least partially) to this day.
I had my Laura yesterday (I'm writing this on Saturday) and I read a couple of text messages in that session whose contents and the reintroduction of them (by me reading them again - and out loud) caused me to feel dejected by the time I had made it out to my car - it got worse as the night went - probably since after going home and changing I immediately headed to work. As a consequence of never being able to just unwind (and other things), this morning was not a good one... Resulting in me doing something that could have turned out really horridly.
What set this off?
Fear.
In particular feelings that I've left unacknowledged... because they seem foreign and scary, that according to the show My Name is Earl, could use a hug.. or maybe just acceptance or validation
You're probably wondering what this has to do with my father - the past few paragraphs seeming quite dis-contiguous. Well, the text message contents reminded me of a few of the secrets I share with my father. There are all these realities based on these two topics, realities that have resulted in fears. Fears which sometimes become consuming and lead to maladaptive coping skills (whoa - IOP flashback).
So what's the solution here? Something that I'm afraid of... addressing those aforementioned feelings that are behind the fear. I can say with certainty that the solution is certainly not not scheduling an appointment for this coming week... which I must rather sheepishly admit was my gut reaction.. rather facing the fear. Even if that means getting uncomfortable...
While I don't know if I can figure out that appointment situation, I do know that I am going to try to get the day off from work for my next session so that I have time to walk or do something centering afterward instead of rushing off to the next task at hand. I'm also truly going to try to be more open to talking about things. Try. Not just this, but also something else that scares me... a three letter acronym for a treatment method that starts with a D - I'm sure a lot of you can guess it. Why? Because it's important for me to acknowledge that uncomfortableness is a temporary feeling and that by chance the results will be worth it. Accomplishments usually don't happen by always staying within your comfort zones, right? Here's to hugging feelings... and maybe ourselves.
p.s. what are your goals for this new week?
Love. One of the old recovery stand-bys that still pops into my head several times a week: "Discomfort does not equal crisis." Like you, my gut reaction is always to run in the other direction, but when I stay and wait it out, amazingly the fear/ anxiety/ total agony of discomfort PASSES -- which I must admit it never does when I avoid it. Here's to you, the hugging of yourself and your feelings, and the time taken to be gentle in their wake.
ReplyDeleteI remember learning in the hospital that the things that I feared and resisted most mentally were the things that I often needed to confront. Everytime I felt that nagging urge to just not talk about it (hide my feelings, hide the "flaw," hide the fear), I talked about it. Not everything has to be talked about (some things better left in the past), but I think when you can't let it go or work through something on your mind on your own after significant effort, it can be especially helpful to confide with someone you especially respect and trust. They can help open a whole new perspective on the issue(s).
ReplyDeleteAnd the fear is fear of doing; once you've confronted/done what you fear most, you often have nothing left to fear.
My goal for this week? Talk with someone important about something that has been on my mind and affecting my relationship with them. Oh, and read lots of research :)