Another week over

Dear readers

I begin writing this, with no idea what to write about. Maybe it will come to me as I go... that tends to be how my life flows!

This week my work sent me to a forum called Creativity in Challenging Times, run by Arts Access Aotearoa. Challenging times being not only the current economic state, the current political party not favouring welfare and community services, the devestation brought by the Christchurch Earthquakes but also the challenge faced by so many people to have the opportunity to express themselves through art. The forum was for groups that run creative spaces for people with limited access to the arts. I work as a social worker in an art studio and day programme for adults with mental health issues. There were other groups like mine there too, along with theater groups, circus, dance and so on. As well as mental health clients represented were intellectual disability groups, physical disability groups, deaf and blind groups, etc etc.

What an amazingly inspiring atmosphere to be in. I was and am still in such awe of the people dedicating their lives to art and bringing art to marginalised people. Art played a major part in my recovery journey and today I feel most at peace when I am painting with my hands or cutting tiles for mosaics or climbing hills to photograph the beauty I find around me. We are all community groups, non profit, all scambling for funding and crossing our fingers for a change of government later this year

One speaker asked us to consider our goals, short term, mid term and long term. What do we want right now or over the next 12 months, and if we were at the end of our lives what would we want to look back at and see that we did - what would make us proud

Over the next 12 months I thought, Id like to continue to help my clients and I would like to keep taking photos and complete my round 2 of a photo a day, and I would like to lose weight

If I knew I was at the end of my life and looked back, what would I want to have achieved? I would like to have dedicated my time to helping other see their beauty and the beauty in life, and I would like to have dedicated my time to making art.

There is a change between those two

Maybe right now I feel like it is of the up most importance to lose the weight I see in my distorted self view and irrationally feel that I need to get rid of, yet at the end of my life it does not even feature as worthy of any kind of consideration. It seems shallow and pointless. So unimportant. Perhaps if I were needing to lose weight because I risking my health through obesity that would be different, but this never ending desperate need to lose weight even though I am at a perfectly healthy weight is a sign that I am not there yet recovery wise and that striving to scratch that itch and chase some silly goals is really not part of a life that I would look back on with pride. If I am to value the health and well being of my clients, I need to also value the health and well being of myself.

I am struggling a bit more this week. My weight has gone up and I feel very uncomfortable about it. I didnt last with the no weighing thing... I gave in and weighed myself and had gained and flipped out. I makes no sense to me, my weight has been stable at my set point for years now. I has only increased a small about, 1kg, and yet it is doing my head in, keeping me awake at night and reawakening old urges to do things I have not done in years and do not want to start doing again. My therapist says she cannot see that I have gained weight. My clothing still fits the same. Why do I care so much? It is so frustrating this disease. I can see the silliness, the irrationality and selfishness in it, but I still cant get this out of my head. Life goes on, that is for sure, and I will carry on fighting because what else is there to do? The breaks in my car failed last week, on the motorway, going 100kmph in 5th gear... I didnt panic, I did what I needed to do in the situation to stay in control, bring the gears down, get away from the traffic flow and eventually stop. I feel more panicked about a 1kg fluctuation than I did about my breaks failing. Now there is some perspective, how skewed my thinking is.

Edited to add more thoughts I had

i have absolutely come to realise that whenever i begin to feel anything, i automatically default to i need to lose weight, how will i lose weight, what did i do wrong today... when i am making art and taking photos or at a concert i feel free and peaceful and excited and in love with the world, but at all other times i am like a zombie duck with the water bouncing off my back... nothing seems to phase me or get me excited or sad, because as soon as i begin to feel anything, i default to my weight. it doesnt matter what my weight is, i want to lose it. if i feel uncomfortable with something, i think about losing weight. if i lack confidence in a situation, i think about losing weight. if something tragic happens, i think about losing weight.

so how do i change the default?

What can I write about next week? Please give me ideas! Ask me anything!!!

(oh yeah I dyed my hair again)

xoxo Serra