State Of Love And Trust

Hurray, it's Monday again! For me this is usually the begining to a shameful week, my GP appointments are pretty much every Monday morning and have been every week for the past 2 months. This stops now, because I'll be seeing her every 3 weeks and just continue seeing my care co-ordinator every week instead. This, the disorder, robs you of a life. It steals your social life, right before your eyes - bam - your week is full of appointments with little time to spare.

People often speculate why eating disorders occour; it's thought that people just simply don't eat to keep slim. Personally, I think there's more behind it and so does my counsiller. Maybe not for everyone, but for me it could be about self esteem. Maybe. Researchers come up with all kinds of reasons, from genes to traumatic events which take place in early childhood. Counsilling sessions can be filled tracing back to horrific bullying in high school to an average day out with your family when you were as young as eight. Family histories can be traced back for centuries, digging into the depths of my great great grandmothers natural build and if my mothers sister had an eating disorder too. Then there is the media. The photo's of blatantly airbrushed models we see in probably hundreds of images per week, theories of how to achieve the unattainable size zero printed everywhere in magazines along with the latest fad diet; usually a couple of pound loss with the help of sending your body into starvation mode. The suspicions of relation to childhood abuse and sexual tendancies pops up in an occasional conversation, if you're heterosexual or homosexual is questioned and if you used to play with toy cars or barbies as a child.

Speculation. I was sat in Starbucks yesterday, sipping on my Hazelnut Latte on the sofa, when I noticed a woman sat infront of me just kept starring. Looking me up and down with mixed looks across her face. I was completely baffled, I couldn't concentrate on my book. All i wanted to know was.. what is she thinking? What could possibly be so fascinating about me? Why does she keep glancing my way? Everyone wants to know about other people, everyone speculates and everyone passes judgement in one form or another. That never changes. However, we can change how we cope with this, how we deal and how we accept that this is simply human nature. People are curious. I'm curious. I want to know about other people and I want to know what other people think about me. What i'm trying to say is... we really shouldn't care. We can't possibly know what someone else is thinking unless they just tell us, so why should we let someone elses thoughts consume us? We shouldn't. We should be happy within ourselves. We should look at our bodies and say "Hey.. i like that", regardless of what anyone else will think or say. I think challenging this, challenging your thought process is a huge part in recovery, it has to be tackled at one point or another.

So I challenge you, next time you're walking down the street and you think someone is giving you a look or just starring, instead of wondering what they're thinking, panicing or thinking the worst case scenario.. just stop. Stop the negativity, remind yourself that you are beautiful, maybe they like your shoes, maybe they like your hair, even so.. they're human, they're curious and you are gorgeous. Pick up what YOU want in the supermarket, try on a dress because YOU like it, walk tall.. keep your head held high, live life, care less, enjoy.