Unsure

I am not too great about making my mind up. My tendency is to either say "yes" before even thinking about it, or to say "no" and then end up regretting my decision.

I think in the last few years (since I've come to college), I've veered towards "yessing" everything, afraid to miss out on anything. See, since anything and everything is an "opportunity for the future," it's hard to justify not doing something--even if I don't like it. Granted, there are definitely things I saw "yes" to doing without a doubt about it that I really enjoy; doing research with my professor for the third year this year is one of those things.

For example, I think I joined something like half the clubs at college my freshman year. The ones I didn't join were typically the ones I would have classes or other clubs during. Cut to midterms, and I've lost all motivation for both school and clubs. In pulling myself in multiple directions (to "ensure my future"), I really just pulled myself apart.

That being said, I'm working on embracing a more temperate way of dealing with the activities I engage in. Sometimes, because of my fear of overexerting myself, I don't do anything. And then sometimes I do too much due to my fear of missing out or creating my future. What's in between the two?

Last night, I went to pep band practice. I both wanted to go and did not want to go for different reasons (true ambivalence). I was afraid that I would actually miss out on something I liked (how rare!) but afraid that I would overburden myself with something that wouldn't be worth it (we've had a change in director almost every year due to changes in the music program!).

So I had told myself that I absolutely would not attend...just a few weeks ago when I received an e-mail about the group getting together to practice. And yesterday, I decided that I wanted to make sure. I decided to go one night, make no commitment, and then think on the issue further.

And sometimes that's how you start something big in your life, with a just single decision. And sometimes you don't. Either way, it's dipping your feet in the pool when you've been spending your years diving in and banging your head on a shallow pool bottom.

Either way, it often doesn't hurt to experiment.

If you want to do something but are afraid or unsure about doing it, can you commit to just once?

Because when else are you going to do it?
I'm not sure either.

Make the call, send the e-mail, or letter, or talk to the person, just do it once and see what happens. You'd be surprised what a change of scenery can do for your perspective.


From a new vantage point a little higher up the mountain,

Ashley